The first preseason game was always the best to watch. None of the key players took part. It was a perk we got as the stars of the show. Instead, we watched the game along with the spectators and enjoyed it the way normal fans did.

I sat next to Coach Rudi, and we watched the B team players get their asses kicked.

Coach laughed when one of them got tackled into the ground like the guy was plowing the dirt with him.

“I love it when I can pick off the weaklings,” he said. “These games are my favorite.”

I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to laugh about it or not.

“Was that what you did with us?” I asked.

Coach laughed again. He was in his element, loving every moment. “You know it. But you were good from the start. There was no way I was going to lose you or Hanson or some of you other dickheads.”

Dickheads. Nice to know we were appreciated.

The game was okay. They didn’t have a lot of skill. It was mostly raw talent. Even though they played their best, they still lost.

I didn’t matter, though. It was a preseason game. Our games were the ones that really influenced the league, and it was a month and a half before we really got into it.

Hanson appeared next to me.

“Lacey is taking Liam to her mom tonight. They’re not coming back until tomorrow, and the boys want to hit the town. Are you coming?”

I shook my head. “I’m not in the mood to party tonight.”

Hanson pulled a face. “Come on, how often do I get to just let loose? It will be fun, like old times. Minus the women for me. What do you say?”

I smiled at him. “Maybe just a drink or two,” I said.

I had mentioned to him that Sadie and I were still talking, but, I had purposefully done it while we were in the weight room and he was in the middle of a hard rep. I hadn’t wanted to go into details or let his well-intentioned but perhaps off the mark advice cloud my head. I still had no idea what to think about where Sadie and I stood. 

Hanson and I got dressed and headed out. When we arrived at the party, it was loud, the crowd squeezing against each other. Half of them were already drunk.

It wasn’t my scene tonight at all. I had a lot on my mind. This used to be the thing I did all the time. I dressed up, went out, and tried to psych myself up about finally really hitting it off with a woman— which I never ended up doing, but I guess at least it had always been nice to have some hope. Tonight, I wanted to go home. I wanted peace and quiet, and maybe to mindlessly browse the Internet.

“I’m going to split,” I said to Hanson, not even an hour into the night. I had barely touched my drink.

“Come on, dude,” Hanson said. He was already a few drinks in.

“I’m tired,” I said.

“Pussy,” Hanson accused me. But then he nodded and said, “You know what? I think I can understand where you’re coming from.”

I waited for him to elaborate, which Hanson always does. He likes to have all the attention on himself.

“This kind of life just isn’t very fun when you have someone you love,” he said.

I looked at him, wondering if he was going to ask for more agonizing details about Sadie and me, but of course his focus was still on himself. Or maybe he shifted it back there, so as not to make me uncomfortable.

“Before I met Lacey, this is all I wanted to do. But it’s lost its luster. I don’t want to be with any of these girls, I don’t even want to look at them. I actually miss Lacey and our little man, can you believe it?”

“Yes,” I told him. “But don’t worry, I won’t call you a pussy like you just called me.”

We laughed, and I clapped him on the back to show him I was just kidding. I was sincerely happy for him, and I’m sure if I had a baby, I’d miss him too.

After that, we requested a Lyft and we both left. I wasn’t in the mood to party and obviously neither was Hanson.

When I got home, I changed into comfortable clothes. I decided I was in need of a good old fashioned read, rather than some stupid Internet thread full of bad news, or people fighting over what the bad news meant.

I found a book, a legal thriller, and sat down in my living room. I paged to where I’d left my bookmark. I read the same page four times without taking anything in. I closed the book and sighed. I leaned my head back against the couch and closed my eyes.

Sadie was on my mind. Her face flashed before me, and she was as beautiful as ever. Her gray eyes were unique, her smile curled in a delicate face, a face that I’d known for so long I couldn’t forget about her, even if I wanted to.

When we were at Blue Collar and she’d told me about the memory, it had been the first time that I’d hoped again. I had given up until then, but the way she’d looked at me when she’d told me about it awoke something in me.

And she had said that that wasn’t the first time, although it had been the one that stuck so far. If it happened before, it could happen again. More memories could come back, and they could last for real. This could actually be something.

I couldn’t stop ruminating about the fact that she’d also said that she’d forgotten the previous memories. What if something like that happened again? What if she remembered me to a point where I became something in her life again, only for her to forget me again?

I didn’t think I would be able to deal with that a second time. When she’d told me she couldn’t do this, after brunch, I should have listened. Maybe I couldn’t do it, either. My lingering doubts were one reason I hadn’t told Hanson just how deep things had gotten between Sadie and me. I didn’t want to look like a fool if everything fell apart again soon.

Logically, I knew I should leave it in the past. But her eyes, her face, when she’d told me, had looked the way she’d always looked when we were kids. The old Sadie had peeked through at me. The girl I’d fallen in love with back then wasn’t gone. I had the feeling she was hiding behind a curtain that had been drawn, and no one knew that it was all still there. Somewhere. So, emotionally, I couldn’t do what I knew I should.

Was it just wishful thinking that she could remember me now or at least not forget me again? Maybe. The doctor had told me that her memories might never return. It might not be hiding. Maybe it was just all gone, never to be found again. If that was the case, I was fine with it. I didn’t need her to remember me although that would sure be nice. What I needed, though, was for her to not forget me again.

But she was remembering things now. Something was still in there. Something she could access.

I shook my head, trying to get my thoughts straight. This woman was everywhere my mind wandered. I couldn’t think about anything else, and no matter how many times I told myself that it would be better to walk away, I knew that there was no way that I could.

The only reason I had done it the first time was because she’d asked me to. If that was what she wanted, that was what I would give her. But she had texted me to ask for dinner. I hadn’t pursued her. It had been all her.

That was something, right?

I picked up my phone and opened the texts from her again. I used to read over everything she had ever written or typed to me when we were kids, too. I was a romantic sap, hopelessly in love. Was I playing with fire?

I looked at the time. It was ten already. Quite late to be texting, but I couldn’t just leave it. A part of me figured I should have left it all alone. A bigger part urged me to tap on the screen, and a text took shape.

Do you want to have a drink with me tomorrow? Just to get to know each other.

I hit send, and my stomach was suddenly tight with nerves. What if she said no? What if it had all been just to figure out what she was thinking? But I couldn’t do this to myself.

I would wait until the morning for her reply. It might be too late now. Then, I would know. A whole night of waiting wasn’t as long as I’d waited for her until now, but it could be just as torturous.

My phoned beeped a moment later.

I’d love that. Time and place?

I smiled and replied. It was happening. She wanted to see me again.

The part of me that still had hope was glad it had won out. And I added even more hope to it— the hope that Sadie and I could have everything we used to have. It was beyond great, and even if she couldn’t remember it, I wanted to give it to her again.