I was at a teammate’s party. The whole team, a lot of cheerleaders, and some other people that had nothing to do with football had turned up. The house, as big as it was, was packed with writhing bodies, music thrumming through my bones, and alcohol around every corner.

Alcohol wasn’t great for training. It did horrible things to your body, and hangovers were shitty when you needed to train, but everyone was in a good mood. It was the start of the season, and we were looking at a great year of football ahead of us.

I wasn’t in the mood to party. The only reason I went was because Hanson asked me to go with him. Lacey was at home with the baby, and he didn’t want to get smashed with the others. I also stayed in control.

“So, what are you doing to do, now?” Hanson asked after I told him what happened with Sadie. He’d seen the articles, and he could relate completely.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. She doesn’t want to talk to me at all. I tried calling her. She’s not even answering.”

Hanson nodded slowly and sipped his beer.

“Maybe just give her some time.”

I sighed. “Time was all I had to give her. With the amnesia, I couldn’t give her anything else. But now, even time seems to be slipping through my fingers.”

Hanson and I stood on the second-floor balcony that looked out over a main living room with double vaulted ceilings and full-length windows that were too tall for any curtains that could be opened and closed. People were dancing in the living room, bodies mashing against each other, grinding, feeling the pulse of the music.

“Did you see the news today?” I asked.

Hanson hadn’t mentioned anything, but I wasn’t sure if he was just trying to be nice.

He nodded. “I did. I wasn’t sure what to say about it.”

It was big of him. The news had another story about me and Sadie all over it, about how we called it quits so fast. Where the hell did they get this kind of information? It was ridiculous how fast news came out.

Being famous was great, but no one respected my privacy, and sometimes that really got to me.

“I have to say, man, I don’t know how you did it with Lacey back in the day,” I said.

Hanson had had so many news stories appear about him, stories that were about him and other women when they weren’t even true anymore. It was a miracle him and Lacey managed to make it work, after all.

“It helps that she’s a PR rep. She knows how to handle bad publicity and what to do so that they print good stuff, too. Like that charity.”

I grinned. Lacey had made Hanson part with an obscene amount of money so the press could start linking him with good deeds instead of bad. He’d looked so damn uncomfortable in a suit, if it hadn’t been so very necessary for his image, it would have been funny.

I sighed. Lacey had been forced to spend time with Hanson, even though she hated his guts half the time, because his image was her job. I didn’t have the luxury of Sadie being around me all the time so I could win her over, even though she didn’t want it.

All I wanted to do was be with her. I didn’t even expect anything other than friendship anymore. She’d been such a big part of my life when the accident happened. I just wanted some of that back.

“I think I’m gonna head home,” Hanson said when he finished his beer.

“So early?” I asked.

Hanson nodded. “The party sounded like fun, but now that I’m here, I realize how my priorities have changed. I’d rather be with my family.”

I understood what he meant. He clapped me on the back and left.

I wondered if I should leave, too. I wasn’t feeling the party. But the alternative, sitting at home, alone and miserable, thinking about what I’d lost, seemed so much worse.

No, in that case, I wanted to stay here, maybe have another beer.

I had more beer. Another and another and another. I liked the feeling that came with it. I couldn’t feel my body anymore. When I walked, my legs did their thing, and I was just along for the ride. I felt light and airy, and for my size and build, that was a big deal. And my head swam in a nice way. Nothing that bothered me before was so serious now, and the alcohol surged in my veins, making me happy. Sort of.

I still had Sadie on my mind. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to be with her. I knew I was drunk, and drunk dials were never a good idea. But I didn’t exactly know how to stop myself, and right then, trying to call her again sounded like a great idea.

When the phone starting ringing, I was hopeful. She hadn’t answered before, so I was already creating a message to leave in her voice mailbox when she answered.

“Sadie?” I asked, not sure if it was her, or if the machine sounded very lifelike.

“Brian,” she said. “Where are you? It’s so loud.”

“Just hang on a moment,” I said, making my way out of the house, getting away from the music. I stood in the garden, far enough that music was just a dull thud in the background. There were a few people around me, people making out in the dark and one guy just lying on the grass, eyes closed. I wasn’t sure if he was passed out.

“Is that better?” I asked.

“Yeah. Are you at a party?”

I groaned. “You could call it that. It’s fucking terrible, though.” I put my hand over my mouth, realizing I’d cussed. “Sorry.”

“Why are you calling me?” she asked, and I could hear exasperation in her voice.

“I just wanted to hear your voice,” I said. “I know you want me to leave you alone, and I will. I just, well I’m not really doing that, am I?” I sighed. “Sorry.”

“You keep apologizing,” she said.

I shrugged. “Yeah. I have a lot to be sorry for.”

“Like what?” she asked.

I groaned. God, where did I start? I was sorry for everything that had happened between us, everything that I couldn’t do to help her. I didn’t say that.

“For bugging you the whole time,” I said.

She hesitated a moment. “You’re not bugging me,” she said.

“But you don’t want it. Whatever you want to call it.”

My head spun slowly, the garden turning around me. I sat down on the grass. The grass was clammy, and I knew it would soak through my pants. I didn’t really care.

“I didn’t say that, Brian,” she said. “I just said I couldn’t do it.”

I frowned. “Why are you being so nice to me now?” I asked.

“How much have you had to drink?” she asked.

Not nearly enough, I thought. I counted on my fingers.

“Five, I think,” I said. “But I’m fine. I’m just a little unbalanced, but it’s no big deal.”

She chuckled. “The last time you said something was no big deal my picture was posted all over the internet.”

Really?

“But I meant it,” I said. “It should have been no big deal. I didn’t want that for you.”

She hesitated again. “I know,” she said.

“I’m think I should go,” I said. “I need to go home and sleep it off, I think.”

I got up, using one hand to push off the grass, and I lost my balance, falling to my knees again. I grunted and finally got up.

“You’re not driving, are you?” she asked.

“I’ll be fine,” I said. I turned around. I couldn’t remember where I parked my car. I didn’t remember coming in one, actually.

“You’re not driving, Brian,” Sadie said, and it wasn’t a question this time.

“I don’t think my car is here anyway,” I said. “I’m planning to call a Lyft.”

I patted my pockets. “Apparently my wallet isn’t here either.”

Shit, did I lose it somewhere? I didn’t usually drink, so this was a lot for me.

I sighed. “Can you come get me?” I knew I was pushing it. I was asking a lot from someone who asked me to leave her alone. “Just to drop me home. You can totally say no. I can get a lift from someone I think.” I glanced toward the house. Everyone was drunk in there. I didn’t think I would get a lift from anyone here and arrive home in one piece.

“I’m on my way,” she said, even though I expected her to tell me to piss off. “Where are you?”

I tried to explain to her and had to repeat myself three times. Maybe I wasn’t as straightforward about it as I thought.

“I’ll be there in a bit,” she said when she finally had it down. “Don’t do anything stupid while you wait.” She hung up.

“Sadie?” I asked into the phone, realized she had hung up. I stared at the screen. What counted as stupid? Drink more? Because I wanted to do that.

I went inside and order another beer.

I would only drink until she arrived. Whatever was left, I would leave, I promised myself. It was like food for the road or something.

Even in my inebriated state, I was nervous about seeing Sadie again. Alcohol couldn’t dull the thudding of my heart when I thought about getting to be with her again.