I found myself taking this kiss further, crossing lines with him we’d never crossed before. Liam pulled away from me breathlessly, his hard eyes staring back in mine with concern before he grabbed my hand and led me over to a rickety old ladder by the front door.
He went ahead of me, cautiously testing each step before reaching the top and turning around to signal my turn. I quickly followed, anticipation burning straight through me. He led me over to a queen-sized bed and pulled down the blankets to let me in, watching my reactions carefully. He wasn’t going to push me further than I wanted to go tonight.
After I climbed under the thick quilted comforter, he followed, nestling his body against mine just as we did before. This time we lay together chest to chest. Nervously gnawing at his lip, he finally spoke in a whisper.
“We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for. We can just lie here together if you want.”
Tender words coming from beneath such a tough shell. He was a walking contradiction, attempting to live up to the reputation that others created for him instead of being the gentle man he truly was.
I don’t want that. I was damaged from Cooper, that much was obvious. The ripple effects his attack had on my life were still chasing after me, angrily holding on. If there was one thing I knew would be compromised by my rape, it was the ability to trust others with my body. But somehow, I trusted Liam, and there wasn’t anyone else I wanted to get through it with.
“Okay.”
I leaned into his mouth, stealing his lip away from his teeth and sucking on the blood that his nerves drew. His hands cautiously roamed my body, leaving a blazing trail in their wake.
In a daze, I reached between us and unbuttoned his pants, then I slipped my hand into his boxers and gripped his length. I moved my hand against it to create a friction that caused everything in him to stiffen against me almost immediately. The action earned a soft hiss from Liam’s lips. He was allowing me to take the reins tonight, handing over a power I’d never possessed in the past, even before Cooper the Dog.
I was drunk on it.
Each time he moaned against my mouth or his body reacted to my touch, confidence flooded my chest. I tugged at the hem of his shirt until he pulled it off, exposing the colorful marks his skin served as a canvas to display. Each one was sprawled across his body, mimicking watercolor brush strokes. Thick black lines crossed through each bright color, contradicting them and forming into loose, beautiful shapes. The harsh black and soft colors represented the two sides of his personality perfectly. I continued stroking him as I nipped and licked at his neck, his chest and his mouth.
Eventually, I gained enough momentum to slide down his body, leaving a trail of kisses behind as I brought my face to his erection. Heat pooled into my center. I had to squeeze my legs together to stop myself from bursting right then and there. I wanted this to last, and there was no way I was going to embarrass myself with an orgasm at the mere sight of him.
Before fear and self-consciousness took over, I ran my tongue along the side of him, finally reaching the tip and pulling it deep into my mouth. Liam moaned again, and I felt him twitch against the inside of my cheek. His hands were fisted at his sides, too afraid to continue touching me.
He was too long for my entire mouth to cover him, so I placed my left hand at the base and moved it up and down with my lips, slightly squeezing and sucking.
“Fuck,” Liam mumbled, and I smiled against him. “I’m going to finish if you keep doing that,” he warned.
I pulled back, not wanting to end our fun before it began. He would get enough opportunities to finish tonight anyway.
My inner vixen laughed seductively.
I scooted back up the bed and met his mouth with another lust-filled kiss. He was completely naked beside me while I was still fully clothed. Realizing this, he finally unclenched his fists and moved his hands toward me to tug at my leggings, easily sliding them down my legs and exposing my plain cotton thong. I made a mental note to buy new underwear the second we got home.
Next, he lifted my shirt over my head before cupping both my breasts, placing his mouth over and nipping at the left one while pinching my right nipple with his fingers. My head flew backward, the heat from his breath and coolness from the air creating a contrasting sensual effect that had my back arching into him for more.
Once he was satisfied with his work on my top half, he slowly made his way down to my pooling center. Pushing my thong to the side, he swiped his fingers over my slit, sending chills throughout my body. As one finger slipped inside of me, a quiet moan escaping his lips at my wetness, I was instantly ripped away from the moment thrown into the past.
He reached his hand between my legs and stuck his finger inside of me, quickly pulling it out and inserting it into his mouth. My traitorous body reacted to his touch and I wanted to puke. How could I be so disgusting?
“Mm mm, see you don’t really want me to stop.” He flashed a huge, calculating smile at me and grabbed his erection in his hand. He shoved his length inside of me, a cry of pain erupting from my mouth at the force of it. That only encouraged him and his smile grew larger.
“That’s it, baby! Scream for me.”
“Luna? Luna! What happened? Fuck, I’m so sorry. I’ve pushed you too far. I told you if you’re uncomfortable, we can stop. I didn’t mean to push you. Shit.” Liam’s voice was distant at first, moving closer to me as the memory of Cooper faded away and I was brought back to the present.
I blinked my eyes until he came into focus, my body curled in a ball at the head of the bed while Liam sat on the opposite end with his hands held toward me, his eyes twisted up in concern.
No, this wasn’t how this was supposed to go.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, embarrassed heat flooding my face.
Aside from the nightmares I had every night, I’d never experienced something like that awake.
“What happened?” He cautiously eased his way closer to me on the bed. I must have looked like a rabid animal with the way he was regarding me.
I shook my head, my brows furrowed. “I don’t know, really.”
It was stupid, and I felt like a fool trying to explain.
As soon as you stuck your finger in me, I was brought back to the night with my assaulter just like I am every night in my dreams.
The dizzying thoughts swirled around in my head. Aside from Cooper, I’d never had a man touch my body like that during sex, and the realization brought back another pang of embarrassment.
How many women has Liam been with in the past?
Self-doubt reared its ugly head. Not only was I damaged goods, I was so far out of his league, I wasn’t even sure we were playing the same game. What was I thinking, getting involved with him? I probably looked like a child trying to seduce him earlier.
I shivered when he finally sat next to me and pulled the blankets over our naked bodies. He reached his hand over to touch mine but paused to silently ask permission before I nodded, and then he surprised me by pulling my entire body flush with his.
“I’m sorry I scared you,” he mumbled, nuzzling his head into my neck.
“I don’t know what happened. One minute I was here, with you, and the next I was back in my car, with him.”
I used the blanket to soak up the tears that were still falling from my eyes. And why the hell am I always crying in front of him?
“I didn’t want him to ruin it for us like this. I hate him so much. I didn’t want him to have this power over me, but he does. I can’t get the memories of that night out of my head.”
He pulled his head from my neck and shifted us, so he could tuck me into his chest as he hugged me closer, shushing me as I cried.
“It’s okay, don’t cry. It’s not your fault.” He ran his fingers through my hair, massaging my scalp, and the comfort that brought me was just enough to ease up my tears.
The entire exchange was more tender than anything I would imagine Liam was capable of doing, yet he handled it all so naturally.
“How am I ever going to get past this?”
Desperation seeped into every word. How am I going to hold on to you?
“What he did to you was serious, and it really wasn’t that long ago. I should have known better than to push you tonight.”
He held his hand up to my face to stop me when I began to protest.
I had initiated tonight, thinking I was this sexy vixen who could seduce my way out of PTSD.
“It’s not going to be easy to get past this, but I’m here with you, every step of the way, no matter how long it takes. Can I ask you to do something for me?” He paused, looking at me to respond.
I nodded wordlessly.
“Please don’t pull away from me when this happens. Don’t let him take all the happiness and pleasure out of your life. You’re going to have more moments like this, moments where I do or say something without knowing that will remind you of him, and you’re going to feel the same way you did tonight. Just, please don’t cut me out.”
When I looked up at his face, I finally saw what I had been missing before—fear. He was just as afraid of this as I was, and my reaction to him must have been intimidating. When it came to my attack, we were both feeling around in the dark, but I had the advantage of time and my eyes were already adjusted to the darkness. He was still blind.
“I promise,” I finally said, pulling him into a light kiss.
We lay frozen together, soaking in the heat of each other’s bodies to ease the terror we were both feeling. My instincts told me not to lose him, that I would need this man in my life if I wanted to get through this impossible time. I just wasn’t sure what I could do to hold on to him the way I should. Self-doubt drowned me, reminding me the remains of myself hardly made up a person and eventually, Liam would realize I had nothing to offer him.
My plan was to hang on to him for as long as I could, taking everything he gave me until he realized I had nothing to offer back. But the longer time went on, the more I fell for him. I couldn’t lose him. Watching him walk away would break me. So, I had to make a new plan. I had to find a way to make myself whole enough to keep him. Liam was my lifeline and without him, I would easily drown.
●
I woke up to darkness, my chest heaving in another panic attack. The memory had returned to my dreams and twisted them into nightmares, reminding me I was never too far from my fears. The bed shifted, sending a terrifying chill down my spine before I saw the glint of his eyes, sleepy concern etched across his face. We didn’t speak. I simply leaned in toward him and placed my lips against his in a tired kiss, thanking him for everything. As always, he reciprocated without restraint.
Frustration took over me as a thought entered my mind. I wanted Liam so desperately, and I allowed Cooper to get in the way of having him. The only way I would ever get past what he did to me would be to push through the fear and allow Liam to replace the negative memories with good ones. This night wasn’t just about us making love for the first time. It was about me taking the first real steps in my healing process and breaking through the barriers I had put up the night I was attacked by Cooper.
I couldn’t let my rape define me. I was sure there were far more productive ways to getting past it. Therapy, for one, you crazy bitch, I thought. But I was stuck on getting what I so desperately craved that night: closeness to the man I was falling for. I’d remain unhinged until I found it.
He was hesitant at first, not allowing me to take our kiss further than we had just hours before. My temporary insanity wasn’t having that, so I greedily reached between us and grabbed his length in my hand, stroking it with the newfound confidence I was floating on.
Liam hissed out a breath, pulling his mouth from mine as he rasped, “I told you, we don’t have to do this tonight, Luna. I’ll wait as long it takes for you to be comfortable.”
Shifting our bodies so I could lift my leg over his and straddle his lap, I shook my head against his lips, still gripping him in my hand.
“I want this. Tonight. And I don’t want to let anything get in the way anymore. If you’re willing to help me through it, I want to take this step with you.”
That was all it took for his restraint to dissolve, and his lips were back on mine. Diving in head first, we reentered the cloud of lust we had fallen into before, only this time, I was fighting harder than ever to keep Cooper and everyone else out of it.
I lifted my body off his and stood up on the mattress on my knees, struggling awkwardly to finish what we had started earlier and pull my underwear down. Liam jumped in to help, reaching over with expert hands and swiping them off without any problems. Anxiety swept in again, reminding me of his experience and making me feel conscious of my lack thereof. I roughly pushed it away, swallowing down any self-doubt and insecurities.
Liam reached into his wallet and pulled out the foil wrapper, arching his brows to give me another chance to back out before it was too late. Determined to make it through this, I smiled reassuringly at him, covering his mouth with mine once again. He took the hint and pulled his lips away, ripping the wrapper open before rolling the condom onto himself in record speed.
I knew I might find having him on top too similar to the position Cooper had me in, so I climbed back over his legs and straddled his body. My heated center hovered over his long erection, begging to finally meet. He placed his large hands on each of my hips and held me up as I guided him into me, slowly easing back down.
My entire body ached from him stretching through it, forcing me to adjust to his generous size. The position we were in allowed him access to reach deeper, and eventually the pleasure from our bodies rubbing together outweighed the pain that persisted. The stinging sensation had my mind briefly leaving our tender moment as memories from my night with Cooper fought their way through.
Stubborn tears trickled down while I accommodated him, and Liam’s eyes were scrunched in concern at the war I was clearly fighting in my head. As if he was trying to read my thoughts, he carefully watched my face for the moment it all became too much.
I pushed through, fighting to stay in the bubble with him so I wasn’t slung back in time to the night that ruined my life. I stubbornly focused on allowing this one to repair me.
When he was all the way in and I was sure I would explode at the sensation, we paused, taking in the victorious triumph. Peppering his face with grateful kisses, I quietly assured Liam I would be okay. His hands squeezed my hips again, an animal awakened within him.
He pulled down at my sides, encouraging me to move while he slid in and out of my opening. His mouth was on my breasts, lapping at each one and paying special attention to both nipples equally until they were raw with pleasure. Before long, I was intoxicated by his scent, the primal instincts pushing out the rest of the negativity that remained and burning my body with its hot flames.
When he lifted his eyes back to mine, Liam’s oceans pulled me into their current and enveloped me in comfort. My eyes had adjusted to the lack of light and I could see that his were dark—black, even. There was a storm brewing on shore, so the waters were preparing to be doused in rain. He slipped his hand down between my legs, carefully watching my reaction as he massaged my center with his thumb, bringing on another wave of hot pleasure.
When he was satisfied that it wouldn’t send me into another panic attack, he continued rubbing his hand against me, covering my mouth with his. He sucked and nipped at my lips as our bodies slid against each other in pure ecstasy.
I’d never experienced anything like it. No man had ever taken the care or time to bring on that kind of pleasure for me and the mere idea that Liam—thIS intimidating, closed-off man—was considerate enough to do so had me falling for him all over again.
It was euphoric. I wanted it to last forever and end at the same time. As we each approached our respective breaking points, small moans escaped my lips, disappearing into Liam’s mouth while our tongues danced against one another. The tingling began in my fingers and toes, rapidly making its way through my body and busting into my center.
As I was hit with the red-hot release, I felt Liam’s body quiver beneath me and knew he was experiencing his at the same exact time. Like a volcano erupting, I threw my head back and allowed the loud moan that was trapped in my throat to release while he pulsed inside of me, encouraging my orgasm to continue far beyond anything I thought it could. When I slowly returned to Earth, Liam caught my swollen lips back into one more tender kiss before pulling away.
“That was incredible,” he mumbled, making no moves to pull himself out of me. I felt our juices pooling between us and blushed, further darkening my already pink cheeks. “I love you so much,” he breathed out in a heady sigh.
I wasn’t sure if he meant to say it. It was so out of the blue, so unlike him to admit to feeling something like that—to feeling anything really—that I was stunned. We’d only known each other for a few months.
But the haze from our orgasms and closeness of our bodies had me responding, “I love you too,” through a shy smile before pecking him on the lips.
I’d never let go like that in front of a man before, and the memory of my animalistic reactions to his body embarrassed me. That, and now that the lusty haze was lifted, I realized I was sitting stark naked on top of him, baring all my imperfections. But then, within one split second, the weight behind these realizations hit me straight in the chest, knocking the air from my lungs as if they were a physical entity.
The insecurities I felt were there because for once in what felt like forever, I felt attached to my own body enough to be conscious of them.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, his mouth turning in a deep frown. “Are you okay?”
Shaking my head, I avoided his eyes, so I could explain without cowering away. “I’ve never experienced something like that before. I’m just a little embarrassed.” And elated, but I planned to keep that to myself.
Liam chuckled, creating a beautiful throaty sound that filled the air between us and danced its way into my heart. He hugged me a little closer to his body when I crossed my arms to cover my breasts.
“That was the sexiest thing I’ve ever witnessed. Don’t ever be embarrassed by it. You’re amazing,” he assured, kissing my burning cheeks.
We fell asleep again naked in each other’s arms, desperately trying to hold onto what we had before it slipped through our fingers. The only way I could mentally separate my attacker from my savior was to push through the memories of Cooper and allow Liam to replace them, repairing myself in the process, and I felt like we took a huge step in the right direction.