The drive that should have taken over two hours ended up only being around an hour and a half. My nerves were wound up tight and I repeatedly caught myself pushing the old engine of my truck over one hundred miles per hour before finally letting off the gas and slowing back down to legal speeds. Stolen glances toward Luna told me she hadn’t even noticed, but she seemed to finally be calming down.
When Lynn rang my phone earlier, asking me to arrive for dinner an hour sooner than we originally planned, I didn’t even think twice about it. In hindsight, I should have realized then that something was going on. Instead, I quickly showered and got dressed, unfamiliar nervousness weighing heavy in my stomach at seeing Luna again and meeting her father. I’d never done this before. Parents never wanted to meet me, and I sure as hell never let a woman get close enough to think I wanted to meet their family. I was treading in unfamiliar territory, trapped in a game I never wanted to play.
I arrived at their modest colonial home right on time, not even noticing that Luna’s Jeep wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Her parents exchanged pleasantries with me while dinner was cooked, and I relaxed as soon as I recognized her father as a regular customer of the auto shop. I felt the awkwardness of an unspoken conversation between Lynn and Sal but ignored it and carried on anyway. We were just exchanging stories about Uncle Joe when Luna came bursting through the door, surprise and confusion etched onto her face.
I realized immediately that it was a set-up and she had no idea her mom had changed the time. The bullshit Lynn spewed about Luna running late was all a lie, and I was fuming at the innocent act she tried to play. Still, I willed Luna to look at me and when those beautiful autumn eyes finally met mine, I did my best to calm her without words. Her shoulders relaxed, and we carried on with thick tension still hanging in the background.
All hell broke loose when her friend from the bar arrived. In the small space, I realized the blonde looked familiar to me. I knew her from somewhere outside of my interactions with Luna, I just wasn’t sure exactly where.
The situation was fucked up. I knew it, Luna knew it, and I don’t think it took long for her parents to realize it as well. It was infuriating that they would do something so dramatic to their own daughter. As if anyone has ever responded positively to an intervention. Did these people think life read like a reality TV show? Had they ever seen someone who was damaged like Luna and me up close enough to realize that words and traps would do nothing to help? It felt like we were on a completely different planet than them.
I shoved down my own emotions and focused on the girl in front of me who seemed to be spiraling out of control with no one reaching out to save her. I decided to take her to the only place I knew that could calm her down and give us a moment alone to process before we blew through that house like twin tornados.
I navigated my old truck up the long dirt driveway, trees surrounding on both sides, guiding us toward the tiny cabin at the end and the small lake behind it. My own personal paradise.
“You aren’t going to kill me out here, are you?” Luna finally spoke from beside me just as I shifted into park, looking off at the lake. I slowly shook my head in response as she added, “I’m not even sure I’d mind at this point.”
My gaze met hers before I watched her eyes drop to her hands. “Don’t say that,” I whispered, grabbing her left hand and holding it tightly.
The urge to touch her was foreign, but I felt it every time she was near. Her entire body was so small compared to mine, so innocent and untouched. I wanted to wrap her up and protect her from everything bad in the world. Never mind the fact I represented everything bad in her world.
After a moment of thoughtful silence, she pulled away and jumped out of the truck, walking up to the cabin. I followed, searching my key ring for the right one to let us in. When I finally found it and pushed the door open, I saw Luna’s mouth drop and she helped herself inside, taking in the scene before her.
She had a way of owning every space she entered, and I knew the second I saw her, standing in the middle of my grandparents' tiny slice of heaven that I would never be able to come back here without her beautiful, shocked face entering my mind.
The A-frame cabin itself was small and modestly decorated. The walls were lined with pine and the furniture was old and dusty from lack of use. The entire back wall was made up of glass windows overlooking the peaceful lake I spent every summer of my childhood on. An old ladder leading to the loft sat beside the front door.
“It was my grandparents’. They left it to my mom and uncle when they passed, but they don’t have much time to make it out here anymore. I usually come here for peace and quiet when the real world gets to be a little too much,” I explained, knowing she would understand exactly what I meant as she sat on the couch facing the lake.
“It’s beautiful. Thank you for bringing me here.”
Her eyes were far away in thought, staring off into the distance. I took the seat next to her and grabbed her hand in mine again, flipping it over to trace the lines in her palm. She allowed the contact, and the trust she had for me got my heartbeat kicking up. I’d worked so hard to earn that and now that I had it, I wasn’t going to do anything to ruin it.
After a few beats of silence, I finally spoke. “I’m sorry for what they did to you back there. I never knew you before the attack, but sometimes I feel like I get a glimpse of the old Luna and understand why you have so many people who care about you. They’re probably afraid they’ll lose you.”
She wiped away at a stray tear on her cheek, never taking her eyes off the water in front of us while she replied. “I feel like I’ve lost me. But a surprise attack isn’t going to bring that girl back and scare this one away. This is who I am now, and it doesn’t seem to be enough for anyone.”
“You’re perfect exactly the way you are,” I insisted, lifting my finger to her chin to pull her face toward me, forcing her eyes to lock with mine. “You’re so strong for surviving what you have. And you’re selfless for trying to take the burden on alone to protect everyone you love from knowing your ugly truths, but it’s okay to let someone take the weight off your shoulders sometimes. You don’t have to carry this on your own. If they really love you, they’ll be able to help you move on and bring that amazing girl back to life. Until you’re ready to reach out to them, though, I’ll be here for you.”
I don’t know where the words came from. I was the last person to give pep talks—the last guy who defended fucked-up family members. People stayed away from me, sensing the danger I posed to their lives and fearing the deadly look my eyes held. I was the Grim Reaper. One touch from me and your life was over. Even the Reapers knew it.
Regardless of the truth behind the theory, my own mother pounded it into my head every day since I was born. I believed it. But Luna didn’t shy away, and she wasn’t afraid. She leaned into me, placing a trust in me I hadn’t held since Grams died.
Her eyes roamed my face, spending extra time on my lips as she processed what I’d said. Realization of what she was doing crossed her features and she looked down at her hands shyly before speaking.
“Sometimes I wonder why this had to happen to me. Why did Cooper choose to ruin my life that night? And sometimes, when I’m feeling especially low, I wish it had happened to Cara instead. I curse the universe, or God—or whoever the hell is in charge—and try to rationalize her deserving it more than I do. Doesn’t that make me a horrible friend? How can I have a relationship with someone who I secretly believe deserves such terrible things to happen to her? I don’t deserve her. And even if I thought I did, she’s too far gone for us to make anything work. I can’t save her when I’m barely holding on myself.”
I watched her in silent understanding while she spoke her thoughts out loud. I could tell she wasn’t finished.
“We were supposed to move in together. Two days before the night with Cooper, we fell in love with an apartment and started the process of leasing it out. Afterward, I couldn’t follow through with it. I hated her too much. So, I went behind her back and rented one out by myself.” She paused, blinking back tears I wished she would just let fall.
“After it happened, I was just waiting for someone to notice something wrong with me, so we could have one of those moments of honesty that you see on TV, where the victim feels comfortable enough with someone to tell them their story, and then afterward they feel like a weight has been lifted off their shoulders.” She let out a humorless laugh, rolling her eyes to the ceiling.
“But those moments never came for me, and eventually it was like I was blatantly doing things just to force someone, anyone to notice that I was suffering, and that I needed help. I had a game of tug-of-war inside of me where one side was screaming to be saved and the other side was snuffing it all out. Once I realized no one was coming to my rescue, I wanted to continue as if nothing happened, to fool them into thinking I was still okay. But it was impossible… Cooper broke something inside of me that night and I knew I wasn’t getting it back. Apparently, they were all more perceptive than I gave any of them credit for. They just decided to go behind my back to deal with it.”
Silence fell between us. I was grateful that she opened up for me, but I knew I couldn’t provide her with the help she so desperately needed. My own mother tried to get me killed. I had no words of wisdom to share, no constructive advice that would help her get through this difficult time. I didn’t take the task lightly, though. If she could see through the thick veil that was placed over my body to scare everyone off and recognize the desperation that lay beneath, I could try my best to be what she needed.
As silent tears began streaming down her face, I placed my hands on each of her cheeks and gently leaned into her lips. The kiss started light but easily changed into something rough and destructive. She poured her anger into it, taking it all out on me because she knew I could handle the blow, and I absorbed every ounce of it.
I knew I didn’t deserve the tender kisses we’d shared before, and I didn’t deserve the woman who was giving them to me. The violent nature of this kiss suited me better, awakening something inside me that had lain dormant since the day Grams died—love.