I always wondered if there was a higher power out there, guiding us into the right direction. I was raised Catholic, although when I became old enough to question those views, my parents allowed me to explore other beliefs. It wasn’t until I was nineteen and completely lost in the world that I considered we were alone; that there wasn’t some magic man in the sky or powerful being that controlled our every move. Maybe things just happened to us because we were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and it was up to us to make our own fate. That was when I opened Lunar Creations.
Since that night with The Dog, my views slightly shifted again. I’d been convinced there actually was some powerful universe, and it must have hated me. I had to have done something that really pissed it off and now I was paying for it. The past year had been penance for my horrible, damaged soul to pay for its wrong-doings. That was the only explanation for it all.
The Dog’s friend sat down at the consultation table and I wanted to puke. I knew my nerves would not be able to take much more of this. If he stayed any longer, I was positive I would spontaneously combust. His presence brought on a wave of terrifying emotions I hadn’t felt since the night in my Jeep and I was realizing how blissful that emptiness was. Now it was all over, and I was filled to the brim with negative emotions swimming around my head, nearly overflowing onto the floor at my feet.
The same thoughts circled my mind as he sat across from me. If I could have powerful attacks with zero emotions attached, what would they be like when I could finally feel things?
“I’m not afraid of you,” I lied.
I was terrified of him, but I wasn’t going to let him see it. His friend was probably waiting in the alley behind the bakery for us. I wouldn’t let them get off on my fear ever again, though, so I kept my stare hard.
“And I’m not baking your mother a cake.”
He sighed and shook his head, his menacing blue eyes trying to look directly at mine from underneath dark, furrowed brows. I avoided them.
“I know what Cooper did to you that night. It was fucked up, and I feel responsible. I wanted to make sure you’re okay.” His lips pulled into a weak smile, one that clearly made us both uncomfortable. He wouldn’t fool me with his fake sympathy. The tender words he spoke contradicted everything about him.
“I’m fine… Now, can you leave?”
I didn’t trust him. Silently, I did a mental sweep around the store, looking for movement. I was waiting for it all to blow up in my face again, unsure that I would be able to take any more.
I realized now that he said The Dog’s real name, Cooper. That name was fit for a dog.
He looked up at the ceiling, rubbing his eyes with closed fists before bringing them back down to me. His long sleeves creeped up his arms and I noticed colorful tattoos peeking through on his wrists when he lifted his arms further to brush his fingers through the unruly hair that sat on top of his head. His appearance screamed danger, igniting a spark inside me that had my legs nervously shaking, ready to take me as far away from him as possible.
Once again, his words were a contradiction to the threatening vibrations that wafted out of his pores.
“Yeah, I’ll leave.”
After a few awkward seconds ticked by, he remained in his seat. I lifted my chin to show confidence and did my best to strengthen my stance to really finish off the look. I don’t think he bought it, though, and if I was being honest part of me was happy that for once, someone could see through my tough shell.
“I just want you to know that someone is here for you,” he said as he stepped away from me.
His blue eyes bore into mine and he seemed genuine, despite the subliminal messages the rest of his body was sending. I wouldn’t be stupid enough to believe him, though.
“So, I’m supposed to trust some strange guy who stalked me and showed up at my place of business? I don’t even know your name.”
I walked over to the windows and closed the blinds, preparing to get out of there as soon as he left. If I was lucky, my presence in the window would draw the attention of the people on the street and I could gain witnesses to whatever crime this man was about to commit toward me.
“No, you’re not supposed to trust me. But you should know someone has your back. My name is Liam.”
He held out his hand for me to shake and I looked at it with distaste, walking past him to lock up the cash register.
“Well, Liam, you can clear your conscious because I don’t blame you for what happened. I don’t blame anyone but myself. So, go on home, bake a Betty Crocker cake for your mother, and tell your friend he has nothing to worry about with me because I haven’t even given him a second thought.”
Lie, lie, lie. But I doubt he caught on to it. I thought about Cooper the Dog every day and he’s invaded my dreams every night since it happened. I barely slept anymore, and when I did I woke up coated in sweat in the middle of a panic attack.
“He’s not my friend, and if there is anyone who shouldn’t be blamed for that night, it’s you. I was there. You weren’t asking for any of it and you sure as hell didn’t deserve it. You shouldn’t have even been in that club in the first place. I hope you know that.”
Liam stood up from the chair and walked to front door. He turned the lock to secure the door and flipped the ‘CLOSED’ sign over. My heart jumped into my throat and I backed up to the wall behind me, my pulse speeding up and strumming blood into my ears, deafening me.
Liam noticed my reaction and held his hands up in defense.
“It’s five o’clock, time to go home. I figured I could walk you out to your car before I leave. If you don’t want me to, I can just go out the front.”
I shook my head at him and relaxed a little, grabbing my coat and heading for the back room to shut off all the lights. I didn’t realize how terrified of men I had become until Liam entered the front door; didn’t even realize I could feel any emotion anymore, but it made sense that fear was the strongest one nudging its way to the front.
He took my lack of response as permission. I still couldn’t shake that this was a set-up for round two, but I still stupidly found myself leading him back through the kitchen. As we walked out the back door, I tried to go on like he wasn’t even there, using every ounce of energy I had to ignore his looming presence behind me and focus on my surroundings to find inconsistencies.
The alley was still filled with other cars from the employees of the shops next to me and I was grateful that we closed an hour before they did, so I knew I was never too far away from people who were willing to help. I walked up to my Jeep and placed the bag I was carrying in it. Liam stood behind me silently as I did so.
“Let me give you my number in case anything happens. I don’t live far from here and it would give me some peace of mind. You don’t have to use it, or even give me yours.” His voice came out rushed and unsteady now.
It was a small relief to know I wasn’t the only ball of nerves between us. He handed me a business card with his cell phone number scribbled onto the back. It was to an automotive shop with a local zip code.
I feigned indifference to his offer, silently hoping this wasn’t a set-up. That he wasn’t in on it with Cooper. Something about him told me there was a slight chance he was one of the good guys, and that maybe he could help me through whatever battles I’d been fighting in my head since my night with Cooper.
“Whatever. Tell your friend to stay away from me,” was all I said before getting into the driver seat and slamming my door shut. Liam gave me a curt nod through my window and walked away toward the main street.
As I drove to my apartment, a terrifying thought entered my mind. Liam’s business card was for a repair shop I had seen before, less than ten minutes away from my bakery, and he mentioned working with Cooper. All this time I thought I was staying under the radar and my attacker was just a stone’s throw away, silently watching me. I physically shuddered at the idea and practically ran the distance from my car to my building.
●
Three more weeks had passed, and I still saw no signs of Cooper despite Liam’s random visit that had fearful thoughts creeping into my mind, imagining every negative possibility, regardless of how ridiculous they may have sounded.
Does he know something about Cooper’s intentions that I don’t? Should I be more afraid?
Liam made it a point to stop by the bakery on nights that he saw me working late to help me to my car, and his protective behavior left me feeling paranoid. Around my family, I remained an un-cracked shell, careful not to reveal any clues that something was off. It was the silent moments I shared with Liam that I felt my layers falling away. The night he gave me his business card, I lay awake in bed and flipped it around in my hands for hours before finally breaking down and programming his personal number into my phone on the off chance I would ever have to use it. Three days after his first visit, I was caught off guard when he showed up around 6:00 p.m. the second time.
“I saw your car was still here on my way home from the shop,” he explained after knocking on the back door and scaring me right out of my skin, interrupting the mindless trance I always found myself in as I worked. “I just wanted to make sure you were still okay.”
My face was twisted with the mix of emotions that crossed in such a short period of time. It took a few beats of silence before I reined them all in and formed words. “Yeah, I’m fine. I was just finishing up.”
“Okay, I can help you,” was his response, pushing past me to stand in the middle of the kitchen before he raised his eyebrows expectantly, as if to say, let’s get to it then.
We barely spoke when he was there and while it was admittedly a comfort I didn’t know I needed, I was still weary of his presence. I was left reeling, wondering what brought the icy man into my life and why he felt the need to watch over me. Each time Liam pounded on the back door and walked through it as if he owned the place, the wall I kept between us crumbled a little more.
I was grateful for him, simply for having the knowledge of what had happened without forcing me to relive it, and for being the shoulder I could lean on should I feel the need. I never did, but it was comforting all the same.
The day after my attack happened, I ordered some self-defense-at-home videos and watched each one through until the end. I tried out the moves they showed on a rubber workout dummy I kept stored away in my closet. I didn’t want my parents or Cara to catch on to anything that had happened, so I added it to the long list of things I was hiding from them. Surprise visits had become Cara’s thing and I wasn’t ready for her to accidently stumble upon my secrets.
The training made me feel a little more confident and gave me the skills I needed if I were to be attacked again, but they only touched the surface. About two weeks after I ordered the videos, I enrolled in a Krav Maga course that allowed me to practice with actual people. I paid cash for the sessions and enrolled under a fake name to protect my identity.
To say I was paranoid was an understatement. On the surface, I looked healed and calm. I was capable of being around the people I once loved without wanting to fade into a million little pieces and float away.
I waited for him to mention what had happened or at least push me to seek professional help like I knew Cara or Lynn would. I knew he picked up that my mom had no clue about it when they occasionally passed each other in the store although he never mentioned it to me. I wasn’t even sure why he still showed up, night after night.
His face always remained blank while he ignored my awkward jokes. Eventually, I realized Liam wasn’t the type of person to push someone to fix themselves, because doing so would make him a hypocrite—after all, he was broken, too. So we sat together, two halves of different people, stubbornly refusing to become whole again.
One night, when we were alone in the kitchen, he pushed me to pick at the wound and rehash the night that had brought us together. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I had anticipated.
“Can I ask you a question?”
Liam’s voice broke the silence that surrounded us, and I jumped from the sudden interruption, almost forgetting he was there, dutifully protecting. I was finishing up cannoli filling for the next day and he patiently waited in a chair across from me.
“You just did,” I mumbled sarcastically, not taking my eyes off the creamy white filling in front of me as I separated it into three different bowls.
I grabbed a package of crushed walnuts and started pouring them into one of the mixes, slowly folding them in while I waited for his response.
He ignored my sarcasm once again. I felt his eyes burning on my face before he asked, “What happened to the friend who was with you that night? I haven’t seen her come around here and I’m assuming you left alone. Does she know what happened?”
I finally looked up and found two strikingly beautiful oceans of dark blue searching my face for answers. I debated evading his question. I didn’t owe him anything. But I had wanted to talk about Cara’s part in my attack since it happened. I wanted to pick someone’s brain to see if I was crazy for resenting her for what had happened to me. Maybe Liam’s twisted mind could validate my negative emotions.
I sucked in a breath.
“Cara and I always went out on weekends to unwind. I did that through people-watching and hanging out with my best friend... She does that through sex with random men.” I looked him in the eyes as I spoke, closely watching his reaction to my blunt statement.
I wasn’t going to dance around the facts with him to be polite, especially not about this. He remained unfazed, as always.
“Anyway,” I continued. “She found her conquest early that night and ditched me pretty quickly. I was alone for about an hour when I left. She has no idea what happened, and I intend to keep it that way.”
I gave him a stern look to drive the point home. Don’t think you’re going to convince me to.
“Why did you end up in that club? There are a dozen other ones that are closer and in safer neighborhoods.”
The hard, dispassionate look he usually wore was gone now, and in its place was genuine concern. I didn’t understand why the question piqued his interest so much, but I answered anyway.
“Cara knows the owner. She gets us discounts on drinks.”
We’d gone there for years, since before we were even of age. I had no idea what her relation was to the owner of the club and I’d never once questioned it. Unlimited free drinks were enough for me to turn a blind eye and have a good time, especially when I should have been in bed or studying. I trusted Cara enough to believe she wasn’t putting us in harm’s way. Until that night.
His dark eyebrow quirked up. He didn’t like my answer, but I could tell he wouldn’t ask me to explain further. I watched the conflicting thoughts pass through his face until he was back to his regular, neutral mask.
“Don’t you think you would feel better if you talked to someone who was there that night?”
I scoffed, dramatically rolling my eyes. “Isn’t that why you’re here, Stalker?”
I used the nickname I knew got under his skin as a weapon. It was often thrown over my shoulder when I left him each night he walked me out to my car to let him know I still didn’t trust his intentions. I watched his face tighten and continued before he could respond.
“If I tell Cara, she’ll just make a big deal about it and blame herself. And then my parents will find out and I’ll never be able to put it behind me. They don’t deserve that kind of stress. I just want to forget it happened and move on.”
Liam didn’t miss a beat and he loosened the tightness in his lips as they cracked into a smirk. “Don’t you blame her, though? Isn’t there some sort of girl code about leaving a fellow girl behind to get laid?”
His playful expression quickly faded when he saw my own face fall and realized that was exactly the problem: I did blame her, and I struggled with that fact.
“You wouldn’t be wrong. What happened to you isn’t Cara’s fault, but you shouldn’t have ever been in that situation in the first place. Your mom knows something is wrong. If you owe her anything, it’s an explanation. She’ll understand; don’t write everyone off so quickly.”
I finished folding the mini chocolate chips into the third bowl of cannoli filling and started walking it toward the large fridge before I responded with my back to him. I had to pull myself together. He validated my feelings toward Cara, and I felt some comfort in that, but I didn’t want him to see how deeply it affected me.
“Maybe so, but it’s in the past and I want to keep it there. My life is just fine with no one knowing.” I plastered on a fake smile and closed the fridge, wiping my hands on my apron before pulling it off. “I think I’m finished here. We can get going now.”
As much as I had wanted that to end the conversation, Liam wasn’t going to let me get away with the last word. “I think you deserve to be doing better than just fine.”
He pushed his body off the counter and reached for the tote bag I carried home each night to balance my books and track transactions for the day. Then, he held the back door for me to walk through after I armed the building, acting as if nothing happened.
As I watched him move confidently through the door, my chest swelled in appreciation. I was so grateful for the light his pouty, sullen attitude had been providing me with during the darkest time of my life, and while I was fighting an internal battle every moment we spent together, he was breaking down my resolve with ease. I shoved the feeling down and searched my soul for the distrust I felt for him when we first met. I wouldn’t allow myself to get close to him the way he wanted me to, regardless of how he made me feel.