The next day, I walked straight through the door of Luna’s bakery without knocking, beelining toward my usual chair, and sat. My greeting was a rough grunt. I was tired as hell after the night I had with Cooper and a full day of work on top of it. I hoped she would have gone home before I got there, but still ended up feeling the familiar excited jolt that shot through my abdomen when her Jeep was parked in its spot behind her place.
My feelings toward her were conflicted, changing each night I sat and talked with her. It was fucked up.
She was damaged, her soul scarred up and tattered from the shitty luck life had dealt her, just as mine was. The difference was that her scars were fresher, and small pieces of humanity remained inside her that I had lost years ago. I wasn’t sure if I hoped she would find a way to climb out of the rut she was dug into or come down further into the shitty depths with me. I figured time would tell, so I continued meeting with her every night at the bakery.
Sensing my mood, she offered me a stiff nod and went back to roughly kneading the dough she was working on before I interrupted. I leaned back in my chair and scrolled through messages and nudes on Snapchat from easy girls trying to hook up, my eyes drooping more with each minute that passed by. Realizing that approach wasn’t working at keeping me awake, I stood on sore legs and paced the floor in front of my wide-eyed companion.
“You look like crap,” Luna commented, keeping her head down.
“Thanks,” I muttered, watching the tiles pass by my feet.
They were a gray-colored stone that would be too hard to stand on all day without causing soreness in your back and legs. Glancing over toward Luna’s tiny feet, I realized she didn’t have an anti-fatigue mat like we kept in the shop. I made a mental note to pick one up for her.
My pacing stopped suddenly. Why the fuck do I care if she has an anti-fatigue mat?
I didn’t. I shouldn’t.
I’d still get her one, though.
What the hell?
“What happened to you?” she asked, breaking up the argument in my head. Her eyes held a concern for me I hadn’t seen in years.
“Long day,” I responded curtly, immediately regretting my tone when she pursed her mouth in a stubborn frown. “Dealing with some bullshit at the shop.” Taking a step opposite of her toward her island, I further explained, watching her reaction closely. I was a cold-hearted dick, but I didn’t like it when she was upset on my account. Something about this girl got to me deeper than anyone I’d ever met.
Luna just nodded, dropping her eyes back down to the dough she was still working on. She was too used to my moody behavior.
“Do you need help?” I heard myself ask, grabbing the corners of the small workspace and leaning my body against it to take the weight off my tired legs. I needed something to do to keep me from collapsing on the floor next to her.
She slowly lifted her head, eyes narrowed in suspicion as she considered the seriousness of my offer. Once she was satisfied that it was genuine, her eyebrows slightly rose as she directed, “Grab that bin and bring it over here.”
Her finger pointed to a tall garbage can sitting next to the closed door that led to the storefront. I dragged it across the floor to her, setting it up right beside her body, noting that it reached all the way to her hips.
In one swift movement, she forcefully pushed the mound of dough she’d been working on off the counter into the garbage, and it landed with a loud thump. A scowl formed on her brows as her thick lips pulled into another pout.
“What the hell?” I asked, peeking into the can at the unsalvageable lump. It was now covered in a foreign blue material at the bottom of the trash can.
Her hands flew up to her face, two fingers rubbing each of her temples while she paced the floor like I just had, fighting some internal battle in her head. When her eyes lifted from her shoes back up to mine, they were shiny and bloodshot from unshed tears.
“I can’t do this anymore,” she whispered, wrapping one arm around her middle in a closed-off stance so she could rest the other elbow on it.
Her teeth gnawed at her thumb, continuing the struggle against herself.
“I can’t keep pretending to be someone I’m not and lying to everyone I love. I thought I could survive this—I was wrong.”
The last word came out in a sob and her hands covered her eyes, her body doubling over to hide her face from mine. Without thinking, I closed the distance between us in two swift steps and wrapped her tiny body into my chest.
We stood together wordlessly while she cried in my arms, soaking my shirt with her hot tears as I rocked our bodies back and forth the way Grams always did when I was a kid. It was the only comforting gesture I could think of, from the only comforting figure I’d ever had.
“What happened?” I asked when she pulled away, digging into her eyes with her fists.
She had black shit smeared all over from the makeup she was wearing before, her face swollen and red. My arms stayed wrapped around her in an awkward hug.
She still looked as beautiful as ever.
Fuck. Where did that come from?
“I feel paralyzed. I’m stuck between the girl I used to be and the empty person I’ve become and I’m numb to it all. I’m lost. Why did this have to happen to me, Liam? Why did he have to destroy my life?” she cried out, her words an imaginary knife that jabbed into my chest and gutted it.
I was born into the emptiness I felt—raised to lack feelings or show emotion. The bedtime stories Mom read to me at night were twisted nightmares, centered around me being the villain that destroyed everything. My entire existence was a reminder to the people surrounding me that I stole every hope they had for a positive future. The blood that ran through my veins was poisoned and anyone who got too close could feel the effects. People like me were the ones who deserved things like what Cooper had done to Luna, like what my own father had done to my mother.
She deserved a happy life, filled with excitement and joy. Not the curse that was struck on her, condemning her to the misery I was so familiar with.
“It’s like I’m drowning. I’m splashing around, begging for someone to notice and save me. But they’re all just standing around and pointing, blaming me for not knowing how to swim,” her tired voice continued through labored breaths.
I knew exactly how she felt. I’d felt that way every day since I was fourteen and Grams died.
“When will it end, Liam? When will I return to the person I was, so everyone around me can stop acting like I’m some strange abnormality?”
Her bloodshot eyes stared into mine, waiting for an answer I couldn’t give. I was still trying to figure that out.
“I don’t know.” I shook my head, my eyes darting between hers.
Our closeness allowed me to study them further, and for the first time I saw specks of green, yellow, and orange swimming around amongst the chocolate brown. Her gaze moved around my face like leaves blowing around on a cold autumn day.
I don’t know, but maybe we can figure it out together.
“I’m sorry I’m such a bumbling mess. You’re the only person who knows what happened that night. I’ve just had a rough day. I’m sorry,” she continued apologizing, taking a step away from me and leaving a cold absence in her place.
I shook my head at her, my lips set in a grim line.
“Why won’t you tell anyone else?”
I’ve wanted to ask the question for weeks, wondering why she kept such a huge secret to herself for nearly eight months when it was clearly more than she could handle. It was part of the reason I showed up for her each night, offering an opportunity for her to lay her problems out on me. I wasn’t the talking type, but I would be there to listen whenever she needed me to be, absorbing the negativity I was accustomed to living in. We’ve broached the subject once before and she came up with some lame ass excuse about not wanting to hurt the people she loved.
“I told you, it would destroy them,” she said, earning an eye roll from me. “What? They don’t deserve to have their daughter and friend ripped away from them. If I can’t handle it, how could they?”
“Oh, but you deserve to keep it bottled up so much you break down in front of a strange guy you met a couple months ago?” I challenged without thinking, caring a little too much for my own comfort. I needed to take a step back from the situation.
Her eyebrows pulled together in fury, her fists balling at her sides. Good. A reaction.
“Fuck you,” she spat out, pointing a stubby finger in my face. “I’ll keep it to myself next time.”
Her cheeks and neck turned crimson while her arms folded over her chest defensively. She was embarrassed and outraged. I chuckled at her tantrum, only serving to piss her off even further. Her eyes darkened and before I could lift my arms to block her, she reared back and slammed a tiny fist into my chest, knocking the air out of my lungs for a moment.
“Fuck,” I heard my voice boom, bouncing off the stainless-steel appliances that surrounded us.
I took a step back, glaring at her incredulously while I rubbed at the tight knot her outburst left on my chest.
Luna’s hands went up to her face, covering her mouth in shock as she yelled, “Oh my God! I’m so sorry. I don’t know where that came from! Are you okay?”
She stepped toward me and her fingers poked at the sore spot, pushing my hand away.
“I’m fine,” I whispered, leaning into her touch.
The knot was throbbing, but her proximity had me too distracted to feel it. Our bodies were close again, gently brushing against each other with every labored breath we took. I stared down at her face, willing her eyes to look up at mine.
I don’t know what I was doing. The interaction was too intimate, too deep compared to what I was used to. I hated physical contact, dreaded it in all forms. That came with being a victim of abuse, although I’m not sure if I would categorize what Mom did to me as abuse. I’d allowed it, and it didn’t take long for me to grow much larger than she was. If I wanted it to stop, I could have always just blocked her. Yet I never did.
I’d obviously been close to other women—sex was hard from an arm’s length away—but the connection I shared with Luna felt personal. It was charged with something unfamiliar that made me want to run away and lean all my weight into it at the same time.
Slowly, her autumn eyes made their way up, lingering on my lips before connecting with mine. Her hand rested lazily on my chest while mine hung at my sides, too afraid to move and break the intense, fucked-up spell we were both under. Finally, I leaned my face down, quickly brushing my dry lips against her swollen Cupid’s bow, sending sparks down my arms and legs. Luna must have felt them too, because she jumped, urging her face further into mine as she opened her mouth and let me in, deepening the exchange.
Our first kiss was laced with sadness and despair. I wished I could pull all the darkness out of her and make her happy and light again. I wanted to make her forget about what had happened and see herself the same way I did—as a beacon, guiding me out of the depths of darkness I’d lingered in for most of my life. But I knew that wouldn’t make anything better. Luna spent too long trying to forget what had happened, and it was starting to catch up to her. I just needed to be there with her while it all came together in her head, and she found the courage to move on from her past, however long that took.
When we pulled away, I searched her face for any indication of the remorse or regret I was feeling. I was grateful to find the small, satisfied smile that sat on her lips instead.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
My chest tightened at her words, and I could barely muster up a response. Instead I opted for silence. In the short time we’d known each other, she had planted herself so far into my deranged soul, I couldn’t see straight when she was around. She had no idea that she had been the light I’d been waiting on to enter my dark reality for as long as I could remember. She was the one pulling me out of the depths of my own despair, the depths I’d been lying dormant in for my entire life.
I had wondered before if she was willing to join me down there, but I hadn’t taken the time to see what she was doing while I waited. She was pulling me up toward her, offering a helping hand that I was sure I didn’t deserve.
When she decided to face her fears and begin her return to the person she was before that night, I hoped she could find a place for me somewhere, because I wasn’t capable of surviving without her anymore.