Pulling up to the lush apartment building, I twisted the key in my Jeep’s ignition to shut it off. Being in this parking lot brought me back to a simpler time, days before my attack. Cara and I toured the complex with an eager leasing agent leading us around, listing off the amenities and amp-ing us up even more.
We’d settled on moving here and left the agent with promises of returning with the deposit to secure our new place. Two days later, we went out to celebrate and Cooper attacked me, shaking my world upside down and destroying me in ways I was still finding out.
Cara moved forward with the apartment, opting for a one-bedroom instead of the two-bedroom we were initially attempting to reserve. I’d never visited her before, but she sent me her address in excitement when she first moved in. I was such a terrible friend then, I didn’t even bother to respond to the message and congratulate her.
Although the drive over calmed me down a bit, my rage was still in full swing. The scorned woman I kept hidden away was out for blood and she wasn’t going away this time until she got it. I had no choice but to appease her. I jumped off my seat and started toward Cara’s front door.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, surprise apparent in her features and dripping from every word. She wasn’t happy with my visit.
Pushing my way past her and into the apartment, just as she would have done to me, I looked around to make sure we were alone before turning back toward her and responding. “We need to talk,” I said with a confidence I’d been lacking since before.
Cara was thrown off, her face scrunched up in disbelief as I made myself comfortable in her space, plopping down on her stiff couch before she finally responded. “Suddenly you want to talk?”
She looked sober, and I was grateful I wouldn’t be trying to mend a friendship with a zombie. Hallelujah. There was still hope for us left.
“I’ve wanted to talk to you for a long time, Cara. I just didn’t know how to put what I had to say into words.”
My voice sounded different now, stronger than it had ever been. I didn’t care what her response was, I just needed to talk. Secretly, I hoped this newfound confidence I’d gained would stick. Being the victim was getting old. Without any more hesitation, I pushed out the words I’d been dying to say. “A few months ago, when you left me at the club for some random guy, I was raped.”
Admitting that it happened was liberating. Uttering that powerful word aloud lifted a small weight off my chest, allowing slightly more air to enter my lungs as I geared up to speak more.
Her forehead creased in concern before she gently sat on the couch next to me, giving me her full attention.
I continued without a response, explaining the night and how it’d affected me ever since. I told her about why I acted the way I did at my parents’, and Liam’s role in helping me onto the road to recovery. The truth spilled from my mouth easily, and I felt like a fool for waiting so long to let it out. This was different than my mother trying to steal it from me, the police station forcing it out, or Liam simply knowing because he was there. It was my choice to open to her and let it out. To finally get my side of it explained.
“How did he know what happened?” Cara asked when I paused, attempting to block the emotions I was overcome with from my admission.
I realized how my story was falling all over the place and was grateful that she managed to keep up so far. I cleared my throat, trying to ignore the burning unshed tears that persisted.
“He was out that night with the man who attacked me. It was his coworker… or friend. I’m not sure what they were. He didn’t approach me until a few months later, and when he did I was terrified of him. Liam told me about how Cooper—that's his name—had been watching me and he insisted on sticking around in case he came back. Then, one night he did, and Liam fought him off until the police came and arrested him. He almost died trying to save me,” I explained.
I wondered if Liam had been seeing Kelsey in the beginning, and I interfered with their relationship the same way I was accusing her of doing to me now. There was so much I didn’t know, the mystery of it all continued to fuel what was left of my anger as I recalled the past few months with Cara.
“I shouldn’t have attacked you the way I did. You were just an easy target for me. Someone I could place the blame on without admitting I was a part of the problem.”
Pausing to take a breath, I fought another battle with my unshed tears. Cara patiently sat beside me while I gathered myself again and then continued.
“I couldn’t take being silent anymore, and our argument was one of the first times I felt anything since my attack, so I ran with it. It was wrong. I’m so sorry, Cara,” I apologized, searching her face for any sign that she would forgive me.
Cara wiped at her eyes, clearing them of tears I hadn’t even noticed she was crying. “I’m sorry I was too wrapped up in myself to even realize any of this happening to you, Luna. I can’t believe you went through it all by yourself.”
“There was no way for you to have known without me telling you,” I excused, waving her off with my hand. I wanted to reach out and hug her but didn’t feel comfortable enough to do it yet. “I felt like my world had changed so much and I was holding on so tightly to what I had before that it was impossible for anyone to have noticed what was going on. It was unfair of me to have expected you to see it when I was trying so hard to cover it up.”
She shook her head at me, finally giving up on wiping her tears and allowing them to fall freely down her cheeks, leaving tiny little dots on her dark shirt. “I’m your best friend. I should have seen it,” she disagreed.
“I didn’t make it easy on anyone.” I hesitated with my next words. The confidence was slowly leaving me, and I felt the scorned woman from before curling back into her shell.
Pushing against the urge, I said, “I can’t shake this feeling that something is wrong with you, though, Cara. You’ve been acting so different, and if I was a better friend I would have addressed it sooner. What happened with Preston?”
Eyes dropping to her lap—a nervous trait we both shared—she remained silent for a few beats. I recognized the indecision to speak the truth or lie and pretend everything was okay. I let her work through it, though, because I knew better than anyone else that no one could push her to tell her story prematurely. She had to be willing to share it.
“I’m not sure if you remember me talking about a guy I hooked up with a few months back… without protection,” she started, looking at me for confirmation.
When I nodded, she continued, “Well, I ended up getting pregnant. When I first found out, I was horrified, and like an idiot, I decided to ignore it. I continued with life as I always did: drinking and partying every weekend and working myself to exhaustion throughout the week. Eventually, my hormones started to kick in and I warmed up to the idea of being a mom. I scheduled a long overdue appointment, and I was so excited to meet the little guy or girl.” Cara smiled sadly through tears, taking a deep breath.
“When I got there, they couldn’t find a heartbeat. After being given the run around and getting admitted into the hospital, they informed me I miscarried and scheduled me for an emergency DNC. It all happened so fast, I didn’t even have time to call my dad and tell him I was in the hospital.” She paused, wiping away at more tears that were making their way down her face.
The last of the fury melted away while she spoke, leaving behind a sad heap that was sobbing right alongside her best friend for everything they’d endured alone in the past year. When she pulled herself together enough to speak again, Cara continued.
“I just felt empty, you know? I was this monster that had selfishly killed her own child, and I spiraled because of it. Preston was just a placeholder. He was there, and I was sad, so we hooked up a few times before his wife found out and I lost my job. I started taking painkillers after the procedure but realized they numbed more than just my physical pain.
“I never meant to abuse them. It was just that when I ran out of refills, I needed more. I ended up taking anything that was put in front of me just to stop myself from thinking about what could have been. Eventually, Preston went back to his wife, and I reached a crossroads. My dad threatened to send me to rehab if I didn’t stop, and I knew I wasn’t far enough gone to need that, but if I continued like I was, it wouldn’t be long before I did.”
She kept her eyes trained on her hands, rolling her phone around in them nervously. Just as she did with me, I patiently waited for her to gather herself enough to continue.
“The day Preston moved his things back home, I flushed the rest of the pills he left me and joined a support group for women who’d lost their children. When I started talking to other people, I realized how good I had it and how stupid I had been to throw everything away like I did. One of them even got me a new job, and I’ve been doing pretty well ever since. I still think about what I could have had all the time, but it stings a little less to know I’m not the only one who’s gone through it.”
She was smiling through her tears now, and it was clear that her experiences changed her just as mine had. The difference between us was that while I was still lost at sea, gasping for air, Cara had found her lifeboat and made it back to shore. I desperately hoped that when it was all over, I could finish my story with a strong ending the same way Cara could.
“I can’t imagine how you survived that alone,” I finally said, squeezing her hands in mine. “I wish I had been there to support you.”
“You’re here now,” she replied, pulling me in for the hug I had been waiting for.
Once we gathered ourselves up and the tears subsided, Cara asked me to tell her more about Liam. The mere mention of his name had my swollen eyes burning again. I fought through them harder this time, not allowing any more tears to fall as I gushed about the man I loved to my best friend.
Afterward, I told her about him kissing Kelsey and confessed my insecurities about their relationship. She reassured me, confident that after everything I’d told her about him and the way she witnessed him act toward me, Liam was head over heels in love with me. I left out his family’s secrets, though, and the crimes he’d been committing for the Reapers. It felt like telling Cara about it would be putting her life in danger, and I wasn’t willing to risk losing her again.