“So, tell me something about yourself that no one knows,” he inquired.
“Hmm…”
“Not even Lucas,” he added.
“Now that’s a hard one, there isn’t anything Lucas doesn’t know.”
“I find that hard to believe.”
“Why is that?”
“Because you’re here with me. That tells me there’s a lot that Lucas doesn’t know about you. If he did, you wouldn’t be here.”
I nonchalantly shook my head. I wasn’t ready to let him in like that, not this fast. I could lie to you and tell you it was because I didn’t trust him, but that wasn’t it. Cole was as sincere as they come. Over the years, our friendship would develop in ways that would have him replacing Lucas.
The truth was…
I wasn’t prepared to let that happen so soon.
I shrugged and he accepted my silent request by not pressuring me to give him more than I already had.
“Let’s talk about you,” I reiterated, challenging him to see if he would let me in right from the start or if it would also occur over time.
“I’m an open book, ask me anything.”
Well that answers that.
“You said you didn’t have many friends. Why is that?”
“Starting off with the big guns, eh?”
“Maybe.”
“Alright.” He nodded. “Duly noted. This last year was my first year at a real school, well a private school anyway. Before that, I was homeschooled. My parents wanted me to have the best education, so I wasn’t surrounded by kids my age unless I was going to charity functions or stupid shit like that.”
“That sounds sad.”
“I could say the same to you.”
I was taken aback. “To me? I have lots of friends.”
“Do you? Because I’ve only met or seen you with four.”
My eyes moved all around me, contemplating what he insinuated.
“I told you, we’re more alike than you think. Something tells me you already knew that, too. Or else you definitely wouldn’t be here.”
I glanced over at the side of his face and he appeared deep in thought.
“Cole.”
He turned to face me.
“I think I’m going to like us being friends.”
“I know I’m going to want us to be more,” he simply stated.
“Duly noted.” I grinned followed by a quick nod. “I’m hungry. Let’s go get lunch.”
He trailed close behind me and I knew he wanted to grab my hand, I could sense it. I think that’s why I kept them folded over my chest. I didn’t want to give myself the option.
Of letting him.
It didn’t take long for us to get to my parents’ restaurant. I showed him a few more sites on the way there and we laughed the entire time, enjoying our banter and not taking the seriousness of our conversation from the lighthouse with us.
I saw them as soon as we walked into the restaurant and I should have known better. I did it to myself. Again it had me contemplating whether I did it on purpose or not. Subconsciously wanting to hurt Lucas.
“Half-Pint,” Dylan hollered, waving me over to their table. Aubrey sat beside him. Jacob was next to her with Macy, a girl he had started seeing. Across from them were Austin and some girl I had never seen before, but right in front of Dylan sat Lucas with Stacey firmly wrapped around his arm. I swear she held him tighter when she saw me.
“Come on,” I said to Cole, who immediately grabbed my hand, leading the way to their table. I watched Lucas’ glare go from him to our interlocked hands.
To be completely honest, I was shocked as hell, too. Cole knew everything without me ever having to tell him, and I learned it at that very moment.
If he could see it and he had just met me then why couldn’t Lucas?
“Hey,” I greeted to everyone, averting my eyes from Lucas whose scowl burned a hole at my side.
“Well… well… well… lookie here, our Half-Pint’s on her first date,” Jacob announced, smiling as big as the Cheshire cat.
“It’s not—”
Cole wrapped his arm around my shoulder pulling me into his side. My hand instinctively went to his chest, while he kissed the top of my head as if he had been doing it our entire lives. At that moment, it felt sincere and loving, almost like it was one of my boys doing it. I loved the feeling it gave me, providing a comfort that I was safe from anyone just like with them.
“It’s not going to be the last either,” Cole interrupted, taking me away from my thoughts and continuing to bait Lucas.
That much I did know.
“It’s alright, Half-Pint, I can feel your anxiety from here. Your mom already informed us that we’re to be nice to Cole and that you were on a date. Can’t say I’m not hurt that you didn’t tell us yourself,” Dylan exclaimed, dramatically placing his hand over his chest.
Aubrey slapped him on the back of the head. “You leave her alone, Dylan McGraw! Or else you’re going to have to deal with me, and we both know that you won’t win that,” she chastised.
I couldn’t love Aubrey more than I had in that second.
“Alex, why don’t you join us, let the boys here get to know Cole,” she added.
Dylan didn’t correct her, which I found odd. He never let Aubrey have the last word. I wondered if they had fought about this before, I always knew Aubrey had my back, but I never guessed how much until we were older.
“Maybe another time, I’d like to have Alex to myself on our first date and all,” Cole responded, making all the girls swoon at the table.
“I thought it wasn’t a date,” Lucas chimed in out of nowhere. All eyes moved to him except his were directly pointed at me, and I connected with his intense glare. It made my heart pound and my mouth dry. I prayed that Cole couldn’t feel my body shudder, but when he held me firmer, I realized he could.
“At least that’s what you said this morning. Twice, I believe,” Lucas goaded, only looking at me even though it was meant for Cole.
I didn’t know what to say, and everything I wanted to reveal would only embarrass Cole and he knew it. It was always a tug of war between them.
“Bo,” I warned in a pleading tone.
I grinned, knowingly eyeing Cole. “Just repeating your words, Half-Pint. Don’t want Cole to get the wrong idea.”
The tension radiating between us was too much to bear and everyone at the table could feel it. For the first time, I didn’t give a flying fuck if the boys suspected something. If he thought he could lay a claim on her in front of me and expect me not to call him out on it, then he had another thing coming.
“Is this your girlfriend, Lucas?” he asked, smiling at Stacey.
And the motherfucker went there.
She giggled. “Hi, I’m Stacey, we don’t need to put labels on things to know how we feel about each other.” She kissed my shoulder.
Cole nodded, mockingly. “Right… nice to meet you, Stacey.” He then turned to Alex. “I think you said you were hungry, let's go feed you, shall we?” He looked back toward the table. “Nice seeing you all again.”
“I’ll see you guys later,” Alex half-whispered, being led away by the fucking douchebag. I wanted to punch that smug pretty boy face once and for all.
Nobody said anything about the altercation, it’s almost like they knew better or something. I tried not to watch them for the rest of the day, but I couldn’t help myself, my eyes gravitated toward them. Every time he grabbed her or touched her I wanted to hurt him. His hands were on her constantly, and at times I thought she tried to back away but couldn’t for very long. She liked his advances on her and that’s what killed me the most. She knew I was there.
Was she purposely trying to hurt me?
Had I done that to her with Stacey?
In my mind, the answer was always no, but what if she saw things differently? How did I not notice that?
I hadn’t seen anyone ever have an effect on her as he did, and I hated him even more because of that. She was attracted to him and the easy manner they had with each other made me sick to my fucking stomach. She wasn’t allowed to have that connection with anyone but me because in my mind and heart I never had it with anyone but her. It was always her. She had to know that.
How could she not know that?
So I patiently waited till it was my turn and there would be no holding back my goddamn tongue this time. I would tell her how I felt and what I wanted. I was over playing these fucking games where we thought about everyone else, except what we wanted. I didn’t care about the consequences of my words or my actions. In the end, I would have her and that’s all that truly mattered to me.
When they left, I stayed around for a bit and then dropped off Stacey. Giving him plenty of time to take her home and for her to get to our abandoned house. I just knew she would be there. She had to be. That was the point of us. I ran up the porch stairs ready to bare my heart and soul with her. Ready to take her in my arms and tell her that we were done with the bullshit.
That I loved her.
That I always loved her.
That I would always love her.
When I shoved the door open, it made a loud banging sound off the receding wall and I swear it mimicked my fucking heart. It gutted me and almost brought me to my knees. She wasn’t there. I looked everywhere and there was no sign of her being at our abandoned house at all, it wasn’t like I had missed her or anything, she was just never there. I couldn’t fathom how that was even possible, especially after our afternoon encounter.
Did she not care anymore?
Was I that easy to replace?
The more I thought about it, the worse it fueled my anger and temper. The worse the hurricane that lived inside of me built, becoming something unstoppable and unforgiving. It took me right along with it. I couldn’t control it. The thought of them being together and her not caring about me anymore raged inside of me, it seared to the point of pain. Hours went by and still no sign of her. She didn’t rush to see me like I assumed she would. I wasn’t even on her mind.
Cole was.
Finally I exploded. Since I couldn’t hit him, I punched the wall as hard as I fucking could. The drywall crumbled all around my wrist, blowing a hole directly in the wall. When I pulled my hand out, it hurt like a son of a bitch. I shook off the pain and wish I could tell you that I felt better, but I didn’t.
I felt worse.
The blood from my knuckles slid down my arm and when I heard a loud gasp from behind me. I didn’t have to turn to know who it was, but I did.
Alex lunged into action, grabbing a towel from the floor and wrapping it around my hand. “Oh my God, Bo, what were you thinking?” she fumed.
I forcefully pulled my hand away from her touch. It burned, fueling only the fire inside of me. The already burning flames didn’t need more gasoline. She had to feel them. They surrounded us in a fit of despair and desperation.
She raised her stunned eyes to my face.
“What the fuck do you care?”
“What?” she half-whispered, stepping back.
I should have left. I should have never spoken to her the way I was about to, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to hurt Cole, and since I couldn’t do that, I did the next best thing.
I hurt her.
I wanted to ruin the memory of her fucking date with him at all costs. I had no excuse for it, other than the fact that I was young and stupid. I had too much time to think about them, too much time to dwell on how much I fucking hated him. Too much time to focus that she wasn’t here, when she was supposed to be, and too much time to concentrate on her not being here for me.
For us.
She was with him. It gripped inside and all around me.
I could see it, feel it, and breathe it in.
I suffocated in the knowledge that I felt her slipping away from me, right from my grasp that I held so tightly around her heart. It hammered in my core, from my head down to my toes, leaving nothing but a loss of what I thought we were to each other. It made me believe things that I prayed not to be true, but every time I wanted to express the sincerity of what I felt to be real, of what I wanted so badly, I remembered them laughing and flirting blatantly in front of me and I drowned in an emptiness of resentment and fury. Adding to the facts.
I couldn’t take it out on Cole.
I couldn’t take it out on myself.
I couldn’t take it out on the boys or our families.
All that was left was her.
She stood before me exactly where she belonged, and all I was about to do was push her further away.
The exact fucking way I always had.
It was just too much. I didn’t know any better. I reacted and it formed into chaos, so much fucking confusion I couldn’t see straight. I never meant to say things that would make her cry.
Or maybe I did.
I don’t know.
“You heard me. Where’s Cole, Alexandra?”
“Bo…”
“Don’t. Where were you?”
She bowed her head.
“ANSWER ME! Where the fuck were you? I’ve been here for hours waiting for you. What, Alex? Am I not important to you anymore? Do I not matter now that Cole is around?”
She shook her head, still not looking at me. “That’s not true,” she muttered, only pissing me off further.
“At least look at me when you’re lying.”
She immediately raised her teary eyes to me and they glimmered with a burn I had never witnessed before, and for the first time I didn’t want to comfort her. I didn’t want to ease the worry that was clearly written across her face. All I wanted to do was add to it.
“Did you do it to hurt me? Because if that’s what you wanted then you succeeded.”
“I would never hurt you, Lucas, you know that. You’re upset and you’re being mean.”
“I don’t give a fuck what I’m being. You knew what you were doing today and then not being here when you knew I would be waiting. Explain that. Who’s being mean now, huh?”
She frowned. “That’s not true.”
“Then prove it. Stop seeing him.”
She shook her head again. “That’s not fair. He’s my friend.”
“You don’t even know him,” I roared.
“I know enough. You have Stacey—”
“Fuck. Her.”
“You already do that!” she shouted back at me. “Did you do that today, Bo? Huh? Did you have sex with her today?” Tears fell down the sides of her beautiful face and it was now my turn to bow my head.
“Exactly! You can’t have it both ways. It’s not always about you. I have never told you what you could or couldn’t do. How dare you make me feel bad for having a friend? I didn’t do anything with him. We didn’t even kiss. You were so torn up about it, Bo, that I bet the first thing you did when you left my house was go sleep with Stacey! How is that fair to me? How has that ever been fair to me?”
“Because I don’t fucking love her, Alex! I love you!
I jerked back, winded. “Then you have a real awful way of showing it.”
His eyes widened with more fury that should have scared me, but it didn’t, it was the exact opposite. If he wanted to have it out with me then he didn’t get to play this card on me, I wouldn’t deal with his double standard rules.
“I fuck her! That’s what I do, and I have more emotion in a goddamn handshake with you than anything I do with her. She knows it. I’ve never lied to her and I’ve never lied to you about it either. She’s. Just. A. Fucking. Girl! How many damn times do I have to remind you of that?”
“Do you think that makes it any easier for me? That it magically makes it better because you don’t love her or care for her? No, Lucas, it makes it worse. I don’t want to lose my respect for you, but when you say stuff like that, I do! You sound like a guy and that’s not who my best friend is,” I honestly disclosed.
It felt so good to finally be able to say that. I had been hiding it from myself for so long.
“I hate to break it to you, Half-Pint, but I am a guy. I know my reasoning may suck for you, but that’s all I got. I want you to stop seeing him. He’s an asshole and he’s using you. He’s leaving in a few weeks. What do you think he’s going to do when he goes back home? What, Alexandra, you think he’s going to stay faithful to you? You’re smarter than that.”
I sadly smiled. “Am I not worth it, Lucas? Am I not worth someone staying true to me?”
He breathed out. “Don’t twist my words. You know I didn’t mean it like that.”
I stepped back, needing to get away from him. “I don’t know what you mean anymore, and maybe I never did. For your information he’s my friend. I won’t use him like you do Stacey. I’m not like that and I never imagined you would be either.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Life’s not fair,” I threw his own words back at him. I wanted to leave and I think he sensed it because he gripped my wrist, tugging me closer to him.
“Let go of me.”
“Fuck no. You’re just going to run. Where you running to, Half-Pint?”
“You’re being unreasonable.”
“No shit. I’m aware that I'm an asshole, I’m aware that I’m giving you a double standard, I’m aware of it all, but I don’t give a shit. I can’t do this with you anymore. This back and forth shit between us is too much and I’m over it, so choose, Alex, choose a side and fucking stay there.”
“That makes no sense. He’s my friend!”
He pulled me closer till our faces were an inch apart. “What. Am. I?” he asked with conviction.
My mouth opened to say something, anything, but I couldn’t find or form the words. They weren’t spilling out of me as they were before.
He shook his head, aggravated. “Don’t make me ask you again,” he warned through gritted teeth.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I honestly replied.
“I want the truth. What am I to you?”
I should have told him. I should have laid everything out for him. It could have changed everything, but it infuriated me that he didn’t know what he meant to me and that he had to ask in the first place. How could he not see what Cole could? Was he that blind? He knew I loved him, we said it to each other all the time. I wanted to be with him, he had to know that, too. Right?
I blamed him for so many things that happened between us, and so many things that didn’t. If I would have told him, it may have changed so many other things that still hadn’t happened between us.
But I didn’t.
I was upset.
I was hurt.
I was confused.
I wanted him to hurt. Exactly how I had. The pain overruled reality. In fact it won in the end. I did the only thing that made sense to me, in a moment that was driven purely by the emotion of an almost-fifteen-year-old girl.
I looked him straight in the eye and said, “It’s complicated.”
In a matter of seconds, I witnessed so much emotion pass through his gaze and clarity for what was to come seemed to quickly follow. His guard came up: a reaction I had never seen before directed right at me, and a wall so thick that it crippled me in ways that immediately had me regretting my words. I wish I could have taken them back, but I couldn’t, and a huge part of me didn’t want to.
Try understanding that because I didn’t.
He immediately let go of my wrist, and I instinctively stepped back and away from him.
He lifted his chin and stood taller in a proud and malicious manner. “Is that right?”
I reluctantly nodded. I couldn’t back down. I was too far gone. If I did then he would have won, and I was exhausted from him constantly winning all the time. All I wanted this to be was a give and take, but instead it turned into a power struggle.
“Then that answers that,” he simply stated, causing my body to internally shudder. He could have seen it if he wanted to, he could have seen past the lies and the façade I desperately tried to portray. At least in my mind he could, and it made me question the sincerity of our friendship, of how much he genuinely knew me, or was I what he needed to see?
I wanted to ask him so many things. I wanted to know what he thought, what he felt, I wanted to know what he wanted from me…
It was as confusing as it was consuming.
Plain and simple.
“We’re best friends, Bo,” I reassuringly stated, but not sure for who.
He nodded, looking toward the door. I hated that he expected me to leave, or maybe he just wanted me to go and couldn’t say the words out loud. It hurt my heart in ways that made me think I would never recover.
“I’ll see you tomorrow. You’ll come for lunch at the restaurant?”
All he did was shrug, making me feel worse.
“Okay,” I half-whispered.
I don’t know how the tables turned and how we went from one thing to another. I never understood how that always ended up happening. I guess old habits die hard. I had taken one last look at him before I turned to leave.
“I’ll drive you. It’s late,” was the last thing he said to me.
As we drove away, I couldn’t push away the feeling that things were never going to be the same between us. Even though he drove me home, it didn’t give me any solace to our current situation.
And I realized that this might have been the last time that we would found refuge in our abandoned house.