I lay leaning with my head against the seat, my legs spread out in front of me and my arms crossed over my chest.
“Honey, you need to go home and get some rest,” Mom said.
“I’m not leaving,” I replied with my eyes closed.
“Lucas, they don’t know when she’s going to wake up,” she reminded.
“I heard the doctor.”
“Lu—”
“Mom,” I argued, narrowing my eyes at her.
She sighed and nodded. “I’m going to go get some coffee, do you want anything?”
I shook my head no.
She leaned over and kissed my forehead, whispering, “She’s going to be okay.”
I wouldn’t believe that until she opened her eyes and looked at me. Dylan and Jacob had been going back and forth between Alex and Austin’s rooms. It had been three days and neither one of them woke up yet. Austin was in much worse shape than Alex. He flew out the windshield. The doctors had put him in a medically induced coma after they operated on his brain with the hope that it would help the swelling decrease. He suffered severe trauma to the head, he had several broken ribs, burns and deep cuts on his face and chest from the airbag and windshield.
Alex’s brain was swollen from her head busting the window. No operation was needed since it was slowly decreasing on its own. Her trauma wasn’t as severe as Austin’s, but she was still in a coma. The doctor said she would wake up eventually. We just had to be patient. She had four stitches on her forehead and two on her lip. She suffered minor cuts on her face, her arms and around her body. She was bruised everywhere, along with a few broken ribs.
Her alcohol level was .16 while Austin’s was .092, the doctor said they were lucky to be alive.
It was just a waiting game now.
My body was exhausted, but my mind wouldn’t stop reeling, I couldn’t sleep even if I wanted to. I would remember that phone call from my mom for the rest of my life, like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.
“Alex is hurt. She’s in the ICU. The doctors say… Austin is in surgery. They were drinking… he hit a tree. They were rushed to the emergency room… you need to come home…”
Dylan and Jacob heard the news by the time I got off the phone with my mom and we all took the next flight out. People talk about having an out of body experience. You see it everywhere, on the news, in the paper. It seems surreal until it happens to you. I moved in an autopilot state of mind, I just needed to get to her. I needed to see her, hold her, and talk to her. I felt like if I did, everything would be all right.
As long as we were together.
When I saw her, covered in bruises, eyes closed, tubes coming out of everywhere and sounds blaring loudly from the machines, that will forever haunt me, I wanted to breakdown. I wanted to switch places with her. I wanted to make her wake up. The only piece of mind I held onto was that she was strong. She would fight. No matter what, she would come out swinging.
I taught her to.
We all did.
What blew my mind was that Alex was drunk in the first place. She never drank, it was so out of character for her. Something must have happened and I hated not knowing what that was. I was pissed at Austin for getting in the drivers seat when he had been drinking. He knew better, and I subconsciously held him accountable for Alex being in this situation in the first place. I tried like hell to not let that influence my anger toward him, but I couldn’t help it. He was supposed to take care of her.
What the fuck was he thinking?
“Hey,” Jacob whispered, walking into her room and coming toward me. “You been in to see Austin lately?”
“Yesterday.”
“Lucas…”
“Don’t,” I snapped.
“We’re all upset with him, but shit happens. He would never put Alex’s life in danger or his. He was stupid and irresponsible, he’s paying for it now.” He eyed Alex’s bed, machines surrounding her with sounds that told us she was alive. Which was ironic since the beeping noises made me realize the severity of the situation. At least that is how I felt.
“And so is she,” I added, making him turn back around to face me.
He begrudgingly nodded and followed it up with a long deep sigh. He knew I was right but couldn’t admit it.
“You going home to sleep?” he asked.
“Are you?” I countered.
He nodded again in understanding, putting his hands in his jean pockets, leaning against the wall with one foot over the other.
Waiting.
That’s all we did.
My mom walked in with Alex’s mom and Lily by their side. She was thirteen now and reminded me so much of Alex at that age. She dressed like her, put makeup on like her, was spunky like her. Half-Pint was her hero, and I couldn’t have been happier for her to follow anyone else’s footsteps.
“Hey, Kid,” Jacob greeted. Lily wrapped her arms around his waist, as he tugged her into his side. He placed his ball cap on her head. She was always stealing it from him and I knew he put it on her to make her feel better.
“Hi,” she softly spoke.
I smiled at her when she looked at me.
“Are you okay, Lucas?” she questioned. Concern and worry evident all over her face.
“I’ve been better.”
She bowed her head with sympathy, it didn’t matter what I told her. My baby sister was intuitive, just like Alex.
“Lily is exhausted. Can you take her home?” Mom asked, pulling all of us away from our thoughts.
“I can’t leave, Jana,” Mom whispered low not wanting to disturb her, even though she wasn’t paying any attention to us. She sat on Alex’s bed holding her hand.
As much as I didn’t want to leave Alex’s side, I knew she would want to have my mom at her mom’s side right now, they were like sisters, she needed her.
I was about to open my mouth to say something but Jacob beat me to it. “I’ll take her home,” he stated.
“You sure? Robert is on call and he won't leave the hospital until something happens with Austin or Alex. Do you mind staying over? Lily can’t be—”
“Mom,” Lily interrupted, looking embarrassed.
I immediately contemplated what the embarrassment was from. Jacob watched her get her diapers changed.
He pulled away from her before I could give it any more thought and peered down at her. “It’s okay, Kid, it’s more for my benefit. I don’t like to sleep in a house by myself.”
She grinned, knowing he lied but appreciated it nonetheless.
“Thank you,” Mom mouthed.
He winked at her, as Lily came over to give me a hug. My mom kissed the top of her head and Lily wrapped her arms around Jacob as they walked out of the room together.
I leaned back into the chair and closed my eyes. I had a blinding headache from my lack of sleep. I didn't know when I passed out. I think I was more in and out of consciousness than anything else, but when I slowly opened my eyes wiping off sleep I found Alex staring at me.
I instinctively jumped out of the chair and was over to her in two strides, grabbing her hand and kissing all over it. “Half-Pint, oh my God! You’re awake.”
Our eyes locked, both of us trying to focus and taking everything in.
“Water,” she muffled, pulling me away from my need to ask her a million and one questions.
I kissed her hand one last time and ran to the door, opening it. “I need a doctor! She’s up!” I yelled to my mom, Jana, and the doctor who were standing at the nurse’s station.
I told them she asked for water as they made their way into the room. I stood in the back to allow them more space, even though I wanted nothing more than to still be sitting by her side holding her hand. He proceeded to check all her vitals and ask her lots of questions. She seemed disorientated and confused, she didn’t remember the accident or getting into the car. He continued with questions she would know the answers to and she passed with flying colors. I didn’t get a chance to talk to her before she passed out again. The doctor said it was all completely normal for coma patients to seem out of it and her memory would most likely come back with time.
It had been the longest four days of my life, but I finally breathed a sigh of relief that she would be all right. So I sat back down in the chair.
And once again…
Waited.
Thank God I was being discharged, it had been a week since I woke up. The entire team cleared me, including neurology who had been watching me like a hawk. I didn’t remember anything. It was crazy how your brain could do that, just block out several hours of your life. Maybe it was a good thing that I didn’t remember. When Austin woke up three days ago, he seemed way more disoriented and confused than I was, but the doctor said that was normal, since he had been in a coma for a week and then again from the surgery. He would have some wicked scars. They were keeping him for several more weeks, and I could tell he was over it and wanted to go home as much as I did. He had months of recovery and rehabilitation to come.
I was one of the first people to see him when he woke up, and even though he said he didn’t remember anything, the way he looked at me told me otherwise. I didn’t call him out on it, but when he asked everyone to give us a few minutes, much to Lucas’s dismay, he hugged me and just started bawling.
It was then I knew I was right.
I repeated over and over again that it wasn’t his fault, and that it didn’t matter. We were alive and I loved him no matter what. His breakdown spoke for itself, he didn’t listen to any of the comforts I tried to provide.
It spoke volumes.
I let him cry for as long as he needed. He appeared better when he was done. I told him girls were going to obsess over his scars and now he was really going to look like a bad boy with a record to prove it. I saw laughter in his eyes, but I couldn’t get a smile. He asked me what I remembered and I told him I had no recollection of the accident. He apologized several times, saying he would never put me in danger, and I knew that. He didn’t have to say it out loud. I reminded him every time.
Lucas hadn’t left my side since I woke up. He needed to go back to school, but he said he spoke to all his professors and they knew what happened.
“I’m not sitting in that,” I said, looking at Lucas who was behind the wheelchair.
“Why are you being so stubborn?”
“I don’t need it. I can walk.”
“The doctor—”
“I don’t care what the doctor said, Lucas, I just want to get the hell out of here. I never want to see a hospital again.”
“Yeah… you and me both.”
“I’m going to go say bye to Austin. Come on.”
“I’m good.”
“Why are you purposely staying away from him?” He wasn’t being subtle. I had noticed it immediately, it was like he wanted him to know.
“I’m not. I said bye to him last night.”
“You’re lying! You haven’t left my side.”
“I’m not arguing with you, Half-Pint.”
I gently folded my arms over my chest, not wanting to give any inclination that I was in pain and my ribs hurt. “Great, seeing as I have no intention of arguing with you, you’re coming with me.”
“Alex,” he warned.
“I know why you’re acting this way. I’m not stupid.”
He smiled, folding his own arms over his chest, mocking me. “I am fully aware that you’re not stupid.”
“It wasn’t his fault,” I stated not being charmed by his antics. “It was an accident.”
“An accident he caused.”
“He didn’t tell the tree to come out of nowhere, Lucas.”
He shook his head with a hard, grim expression. “No, you’re right, he didn’t do that. He just drove drunk as shit and raced his car through the woods. That makes it much better.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Tell that to the cops, Alex, because he’s in some deep shit after he gets discharged from the hospital. He will be lucky to ever drive again before he’s twenty-one.”
“Exactly, Bo, he’s already paying for his bad judgment. I got into the car, he didn’t make me,” I justified. “He doesn’t need to be held accountable by us.”
“I can’t help it. If something worse would have happened to you—”
“But it didn’t. I’m fine. I’ll be fine,” I argued.
“Tell that to your scars and your ribs, Alex.”
I rolled my eyes and placed my hand on my hip, a small smile spread across Lucas’s face, but he quickly covered it up.
“I could show you hundreds of scars from growing up with you boys. So please try something else because that weak excuse isn’t going to work on me. Didn’t you once tell me that scars are awesome and that they tell a story?” I reminded him, cocking my head to the side.
“Half-Pint, you were crying like a baby and it was the first time you got stitches. I had to tell you something,” he half-laughed.
“You’re coming with me to say bye. You’re going to smile and give him a hug. You will also be nice to him when he gets discharged. You’re going to go back to normal with him, and if you don’t, I’m going to be extremely disappointed.”
“Alex…”
“Do it for me?”
He took a deep breath, stepped aside and guided us toward the door, letting me win, but who knows for how long.
Things were awkward between Lucas and Austin. He was aware that Lucas was furious with him for being so reckless and blamed him for the accident. I couldn’t help thinking about what he told me at the pier before the party.
We were a lot alike.
The boys got to spend the next few days with me, but Dylan and Jacob had to go back to school. I couldn’t handle all three of them hovering over me, so with their parents help they were able to go back. Lucas, on the other hand didn’t care what his parents or I said. He always did what he wanted. He stayed through the weekend.
When I turned on my phone and the computer I had hundreds of text messages and emails from Cole. My mom said he was worried sick, and that he wanted to take the next flight out, but she let him know it wouldn’t help my recovery to have another person waiting around. She kept him updated and that seemed to appease him. Lucas stepped out of my bedroom growling something under his breath when he saw that I called Cole. I told him what had happened, trying to lessen the gravity of the situation. He said he wanted to take the next flight out to see me but changed his mind when I told him I was fine and I would see him over the summer. He sent an obscene amount of roses, chocolate, and a big Snoopy, which was my favorite cartoon from my childhood, surprised he remembered this from one of our conversations. Lucas threw Snoopy in the back corner of my closet, saying there wasn’t enough room for him and the stuffed animal. Then he took the roses out of my room, saying that the smell wasn’t good for my recovery, followed by throwing away the chocolate because I didn’t like any of those flavors anyway. I let him have his way. I didn’t want to argue with him. As much as I told everyone I was fine, I wasn’t. I was exhausted and emotionally drained from having everyone in my face over the last few days.
I had a feeling my mom would never let me leave the house again and my dad wouldn’t let me drive for a while. Or at least be in anyone’s car. Our parents were the best of friends. They were all upset and disappointed with Austin for the accident, but we were young and they remembered what it was like, at least that’s what they said.
“Do you want me to get you something?” Lucas asked for the tenth time.
“No. What I want is for you to stop doting on me. When do you leave again?” I teased, knowing he left tomorrow morning and secretly dreaded it.
“I know you’re full of shit,” he reminded as if reading my mind and I chuckled at the thought.
I glanced over at him as we lay in the center of my bed. “Thanks for being here.”
“Where else would I be?” he stated as a question though it wasn’t.
I once again beheld the ceiling. “You remember when we were kids and we used to come up with images on the ceiling texture.”
“I remember a lot of things.”
“Yeah, your stupid dinosaurs always ate my bunnies. I don’t understand why your images were so aggressive.”
He was quiet for several seconds and the silence unnerved me. Then he finally said, “I’ve never been so scared in my entire life, Half-Pint. I didn’t know fear like that was even possible.”
My eyes fell to my chest from the magnitude of his words. I knew this conversation was inevitable, but as more time went on I believed, no, I hoped that it would vanish. Be lost in the hurricane that surrounded us constantly. I had been avoiding it for as long as possible. I didn’t want to hear about what he felt. It hurt too much. I wanted to pretend nothing happened, add it to the pile of regrets, fights, and feelings to sweep under the rug.
“I don’t think I would have been able to—”
“I’m fine,” I firmly stated, but it didn’t matter. I could feel his intense and penetrating gaze on me, it flowed throughout my entire body, pumping right along with my blood and circulation.
“I wouldn’t have been able to live without you, Alex.”
“Don’t say stuff like that, Bo,” I murmured loud enough for him to hear.
“It’s the truth.”
“I’m trying like all hell to not be pissed at Austin, but I can’t help it. I’m sorry, Half-Pint. It’s going to take time for me to get over it.”
“It’s not his fault,” I reminded yet again.
“I don’t see it like that. You weren’t the one looking at your body that appeared lifeless. You weren’t the one picturing a life without you. You weren’t the one praying to every God known to man to let you be okay and not take you away from me.”
Silence.
I could hear my heart hammering in my ears and I swear he could, too.
“I can’t promise you that everything will be alright between Austin and me, but I can tell you that I will try.”
I nodded, my mouth dry.
“Alex, I think about that night all the time.”
My eyes widened in realization of what he declared and I found it hard to breathe, my broken ribs adding to my difficulty to find a steady rhythm. He wasn’t talking about the accident. My mind shifted through hundreds of images of that night at our abandoned house and everything that followed. I forcefully shut my eyes, trying to block out the images that replayed in my mind constantly. Wishing I could forget about it like I did the accident. I would have given anything for that to happen. I didn’t want to talk about that.
Not now.
“I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry I—”
“Lucas,” I anxiously interrupted. “Let’s forget about that, okay? I can’t not right now.” It would lead into too many questions that I wasn’t prepared to answer.
Not ever.
“I just want you to know that night, it meant everything to me. I don’t ever want you to feel that I didn’t want—”
“Please.” I sat up, moving as far away from him as possible, hoping that the distance between us would affect him as much as it did me. Meeting his eyes with nothing but anguish and uncertainty in mine, I repeated, “Please.”
His eyebrows lowered, causing his eyes to narrow at me. “Why?” he asked, instantly standing up.
“Not now.” I backed away.
“I don’t understand. I’m trying to tell you that I didn’t want—”
I placed my hands over my ears like a child and peered down at the ground, blocking out the memories that haunted my everyday existence. “Please, Lucas, I’m begging you. Not now!” I shouted, losing the battle to remain calm.
He immediately engulfed me into his sturdy, comforting embrace, his arms caging me in his safety that I desperately craved. I hugged him as tight as I could, damned be my broken ribs, trying to provide the same reassurance that he gave me.
“Okay, I didn’t mean to upset you,” he whispered, kissing the top of my head. “I love you.”
I took in his words…
I was terrified that he would never look at me the same way.
I was terrified that he wouldn’t think of me the same way.
I was terrified he’d find out the truth.
I was terrified to hear him say…
I hate you.
Which is why we couldn’t talk about that night.