I usually hated Sunday mornings. Everyone dressed in their Sunday best to attend service at the only church we had in town. I dressed in my usual black slacks and gray button down with a tie firmly knotted around my neck. I was already hot and we hadn’t even left the house yet. Thank God I didn’t have to wear a suit jacket. It was way too hot outside. Alex always called me to make sure that I was awake so I didn’t have to face my mom's wrath about not getting up on time and not taking service seriously.
She didn’t call that morning.
I contemplated whether to call her or not but decided against it since I would be seeing her soon anyway. The car ride was inexplicably slow and I sat next to my baby sister Lily, she was eight and for the most part never really annoyed me. I thought about Alex the entire way to service.
Her face.
Her lips.
Her eyes.
“Lucas, you listenin’?” Lily asked, taking me away from my thoughts.
“Hmm?”
“I said, are you alright?”
“Yeah I’m fine.”
“You sure? You’re actin’ funny.”
“I’m good.”
“Okie, I thought maybe you were coming down with the same thing Alex got.”
That made me turn to look at her. “What?”
“Half-Pint.” She rolled her eyes, thinking that’s the reason I was confused.
“Yeah, I know. What are you talkin’ about?”
“She looked like you do last night. I thought maybe—”
“You saw her last night?” I interrupted.
“Yep. Mama and me were at the restaurant when her and the boys showed up. She looked really down like she got sick or something. Her mama took her home and we went with them. She usually at least tries to play with me, but this time she didn’t say a word, she just went right to her room and went to sleep. Mama and Mrs. Collins were making tea and she asked me to take her up some medicine and water.” She hesitated for a few seconds distracted by the kids running out of their cars to service.
“Lily.”
“Oh.” She shook her head. “Her face was all red and her eyes were watery. She said she didn’t feel good, but it looked like she was crying to me. Just sayin’.”
The wind was knocked out of me and I was finding it hard to breathe and gather my feelings on what Lily had innocently shared. I caught my mom’s eyes from the rearview mirror, and for a moment I thought she knew. The knowing look on her face made me tear my gaze from hers, not wanting to answer any questions that were imminent in her stare. I stepped out of the car first and they all followed, slowly treading behind them, looking around for Alex. She usually waited for me at the front entrance so we could walk in together and sit with the boys in the back.
She wasn’t waiting for me, and it only added to my anxiety and apprehension of what the hell happened.
I immediately found her when I walked in, except she wasn’t sitting with the boys. She sat with her parents, beside her mom, but that’s not what shocked me. What stunned me was that she wore a light yellow dress and her hair was down. I don’t think I ever saw her hair down unless we were in the water, and even then she quickly piled it on top of her head with a hair tie. The long shiny dark waves flowed swiftly down her back and I found myself wanting to run my fingers through it to feel if it was as soft as it appeared to be.
How had I just realized her hair was so long?
Once I found my footing I made my way to the boys who were all staring as intently at Alex as I was. They all looked my way and I shrugged, answering their confused stares that I didn’t know what was up either. Service ended and we all gathered outside, waiting for her family. She was the last to walk out behind them and I exhaled a breath I didn’t realize I held until I saw her.
She looked…
She looked like a girl.
Not just any girl, a beautiful girl.
“Half-Pint—”
“Alex,” she corrected me.
“Excuse me?” I countered.
She smiled at all of us, picking up our jaws from the floor.
“My name’s Alex,” she simply stated, smiling.
“Since when?” I asked, not knowing the girl in front of me. She even sounded different.
“Since birth,” she sassed, looking at only me.
Dylan cleared his throat, bringing her stare back to all of them. “You look nice, Alex.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. Why was I the only one pissed off about this?
“Thank you,” she replied, blushing.
The rest of the boys followed suit, acting as if our lives hadn’t just changed drastically. They fawned over her like they would any new girl that would come around us. Except this wasn’t a new girl, this was our Half-Pint. I didn’t care what she wore or who she pretended to be. I knew who she was on the inside and on the inside she was mine. The shark tooth necklace that still hung around her neck proved my point. It helped ease my desire to drag her away and call her out on this bullshit.
I backed away from them not wanting to make a scene, but mostly I backed away from her. The more I looked at her the worse I felt. It was a continuous, unforgiving feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had done something wrong, and it caught up with me. I’d never felt like that before, and all it would take was for her to look at me for one second, for one damn second and she would see it.
We all went back to her restaurant, exactly the way we had every Sunday. The Collins’ provided a huge Sunday spread, being their busiest day of the week, bringing in people from South Port, the next town over. Everyone told Alex she looked beautiful, grown-ups, old people, shit even boys from our school.
I hated it.
I hated the attention she was getting. I hated the stares that were suggestive and not very subtle. I hated the dress she wore and I hated that she smelled so damn good that all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her and never let her go.
How could I feel that way? We were so young.
But mostly I hated the fact that she ignored me. She wouldn’t meet my questioning eyes and I was sincerely about to lose my shit. My temper was looming, and I was ready to drag her out onto the beach and yell at her.
Why did I want to yell at her?
I didn’t eat a bite of my food and when she asked for a glass of water with lemon instead of cherry coke that we always drank I seriously almost yelled at her from across the table.
Was she provoking me?
“Lucas,” Jacob called out from beside me. “Come with me outside.”
I stood, still glaring over at her, but everyone seemed to have her attention but me.
“What the hell is your problem?” he questioned, as soon as we were away from prying ears.
“Nothin’, what’s your problem?” I argued, needing to take my anger out on someone.
He put his hands out in front of him in a surrendering gesture. “I’m not the bad guy here. But it would take a fool not to realize that you’re pissed off about Alex.”
“Her name’s Half-Pint.”
He narrowed his eyes at me, stepping closer. “Listen to me because I will only say this once. She’s growing up, Lucas. Did I think it would happen this quickly? No. I thought we would at least have one more year. But we’re all changing too Lucas, and she’s always wanted to be one of us. She doesn’t want to get left behind. Does it suck? Yeah, it fucking does. I’m not gonna lie to ya, but this is her way of doing that. Come on give her a break. She looks great. I’m happy for her, we all are. Now lock up your shit and be happy for her, too.”
“Don’t tell me what the fuck to do, Jacob,” I gritted out.
He jerked back. “You’re actin’ like you’re jealous, Lucas.”
“I’m not,” I simply stated.
“Good,” he merely replied back.
We stood there squaring off, neither one of us backing down. If Jacob thought he could pull that big brother shit on me, he was dead wrong and had another thing coming. It may work with Alex but not with me. He didn’t need to be telling me what to do when he had no idea what the hell occurred in the first place. This wouldn’t be the first time that Jacob pulled this bullshit on me. I would get used to it throughout the years, the older we got, the worse it became. Dylan and Austin wouldn’t be that far behind either, all jumping in on something that was none of their fucking business to begin with.
She didn’t need protection.
Especially not from me.
“What’s going on?” Alex questioned, drawing us away from our intense exchange and making us both turn to face her.
I went home that night after seeing Lucas with Stacey and looked at myself in the mirror, and for the first time in my life I didn’t like what I saw.
I didn’t look like any of those girls that hung around the boys, not even close. I wasn’t girly like them. I didn’t move like them, I didn’t even talk like them. I was on the other end of the spectrum, the one that put me in the “Little Sister” box. After I picked apart everything I wasn’t in comparison to what they were, what they offered, I lay down in my bed and tried not to think about Lucas and that girl.
The way he touched her.
The way they moved in sync with one another.
The way he kissed her.
The sounds she made echoed in my head. It vibrated so damn loud that all I wanted to do was scream to drown out the noises. I couldn’t get it to stop and it didn’t want to. It illustrated what Lucas made her feel, the way he touched her with such determination and abandonment made me sick to my stomach. It appeared as if they were made for one another, both of them touching parts of their bodies that made me blush just thinking about it.
Why did I have to be such a little girl?
Why did I have to be so young?
I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt the tears falling down the sides of my face. He hadn’t done one of those things with me.
Not one.
I thought our kiss meant something. I didn’t understand how to play those games, how to say one thing and act another. Maybe that’s what boys did? Acted one way with you in private and then another one out in public.
That’s not Lucas, is it?
The confusion and unanswered questions pegged me, engulfing me like the waves of the ocean, taking me under and not allowing me to breathe until the traitorous waves were ready to let me go. The exact same ones Lucas rode with such purpose and resolve. The irony was not lost on me. I lay in bed with nothing but my thoughts, they were coming one right after the other, it was a non-ending assault of torturous questions and what ifs and I couldn’t get a break in between. One would form before the other even fully surfaced.
I drowned in them.
If things couldn’t get any worse my lower abdomen cramped, a new, unfamiliar pain enveloped my core. I went to the bathroom and right there before my eyes was the evidence of my very first period.
“Oh no…” I breathed out. “Mama! Mama!” I screamed.
She ran into my bathroom and behind her was Lucas’s mama.
“Oh my God, honey, what’s the matter?”
And then I broke down. I was emotionally spent, and there were no hiding the fervent feelings that were boiling all around me waiting to erupt like a volcano. I started bawling. The tears were uncontrollable and it was all too much to bear. I cried for everything that happened, and for everything I didn’t understand. I cried for the feeling of deceit, and the loss of an emotion, that I desperately wanted to hold onto. The memory that hung around my neck stung, it burned badly, leaving behind a trail of sadness, despair, and betrayal.
It was the first time Lucas had ever hurt me, and I hated that more than anything else. All the other stuff I could endure, but knowing that he caused me pain.
The boy I grew up with.
The boy I loved.
The boy that promised me he would never hurt me.
My best friend. My boy. My Bo.
Lucas…
“It’s okay, Alex, calm down,” Mama coaxed. She helped me finish in the bathroom and then we walked into my room.
Mrs. Ryder sat on my bed. “Congratulations. Welcome to womanhood,” she celebrated.
I leaned into my mom, needing the support and comfort.
“Is this about my boy, Alex?”
I looked up at my mom and she nodded in reassurance. I lowered my head, shrugging.
She sighed. “You know your mama and I have actually been talking about this for a very long time.”
I immediately looked up at her.
“Yes. That’s right.” She nodded. “This isn’t much of a shock to us. My boy has been smitten with you since the moment you were born. I remember when your mama was pregnant, he would go up to her belly and say that it was his baby in there.” They laughed, no one had ever told me that before.
“He loved you before you were even born, Alex. He just knew you were going to be a girl. Every time we corrected him he would vigorously shake his head saying girl. He’s growing up, honey, you both are. I know it may hurt now, and you may not understand what is happening, but it’s part of life. You both need to try new things, make new friends, go places, be teenagers. Let other people in besides those good ol’ boys of yours. You’ve been attached to those boys since the day you were born, just like they are to you. Life is too short for you to ever question that something better could have come along. Do you understand?”
I sadly smiled, wiping away my tears. “You don’t want Lucas and I together?”
“No, honey, I don’t want either of you to settle down until you know what else life has to offer, and if one day you find your way back to each other then you know. You know it’s for sure. There will be no doubts and no regrets.”
I lowered my head. “Yeah,” was all I could say.
“Now,” Mama interjected, picking up my chin. “Enough of this crying, Alex, I think today is a great day.” She clapped her hands. “You want to know why?”
“Why?” I chuckled.
“Let’s celebrate! Because you’re a officially a young woman and I think that maybe you should consider—”
“Being a girl,” I interrupted.
They beamed and we spent the next hour giving me a makeover.
I never imagined I would get the reaction that I got from the boys. They all seemed pleased and satisfied, almost as if they’d been expecting it to happen.
Except Lucas.
I ignored him, mostly because I didn’t know what to say or what to make of his overbearing demeanor toward me. It burned a hole in my side and I wasn’t going to let him affect me when I felt so pretty. This was all new to me, especially that reaction. I watched Lucas and Jacob from afar, and I could see both of their pissed off faces from where I sat at the table.
“What’s going on out there?” I asked Dylan.
He shrugged. “Guy stuff.”
I scooted my seat out.
“Half-Pint, don’t get involved.”
I walked toward them before the last word left his mouth.
I felt their hostility as soon as my sandals hit the sand. “What’s going on?”
They both spun, facing me.
“Nothin’,” Jacob announced, his attitude calming.
“It doesn’t look like nothin’.” I paused, taking in Lucas’s heated composure but not toward Jacob, toward me. “What?”
The glares in his eyes were intimidating to say the least, and all it did was add to the confusion that had been brewing between us. Except this time Jacob witnessed it. At least I thought he did. I could feel his pissed off stance and he wasn’t even touching me. Everything was directed at me. The eye of the storm was right in front of me, and his stare held mine until he couldn’t anymore and then he receded, walking away from me for the first time. Which did nothing but enrich the hurt in my heart.
“Stay away from him till he calms down, Half-Pint.”
I glanced at Jacob. “What’s wrong with him?”
“Don’t worry about it.” He grabbed my chin, locking my gaze with his. “You look really pretty.”
I smiled. “Thanks. I feel, I don’t know, different I guess. I’m still one of you. You know that right?”
He smiled back at me. It comforted me in a moment of pure chaos. Lucas had taken his hurricane with him, but this time Jacob held me down and I wasn’t dragged along with him. It wouldn’t be that way always, and somewhere along the way I learned to appreciate it when I could.
“Of course. Except now you’ll be much nicer to look at.”
I punched him in the chest.
Laughing he said, “Ah! There she is, finally making an appearance under all that hair.” He put his arm around my shoulder. “Come on, let’s go finish eating.”
I spent the rest of the day with the boys, minus Lucas. No one talked about the fact that he wasn’t around. Dylan walked me home and before I opened the door, I felt him. The wind picked up, his presence was all around me. I didn’t have to turn around to know that he waited for me, and he had been waiting for me for a long time.
That night would lead to many more firsts that only added to our complicated love.