Cole flew back to California the next morning and I decided to stay a few more days, much to his disapproval. I hadn’t seen Lucas since the funeral. It had been four days when I knocked on his door to no avail. I knew he was home, because his truck was parked outside.
“Lucas?” I announced, opening the door and shutting it behind me.
I slowly walked inside, taking in all the pictures on his wall. I was in several of them, so were the boys, Mason, and our families. I smiled when I saw the picture I had given him for his thirteenth birthday and then again when I saw the one from my prom.
“Hey,” I greeted as I made my way into the living room, his back to me as he sat on the porch. He took a sip of his beer, bringing it back down to his lap.
“Lily says she hasn’t seen you since the funeral, she’s worried. She gave me your address after I told her I would come and check on you.”
“I’m not a child, Alex. I don’t need you to babysit me.”
“I know that. I’m worried about you, too.”
He took another few sips of his beer, placed it on the table and came inside. He looked like he hadn’t slept or showered in days. “What are you doing here?” he rasped in a lifeless tone.
“I just told you. I’m worried about you and wanted to make sure you were okay.”
He sat at the edge of the couch. “How are you doing?”
“Don’t worry about me, how are you?”
He blew out a puff of air. His expression told me I should have known this. What was coming, what he was about to say, but I wasn’t. I never thought it would come to this or maybe I did and I just chose to ignore it. Sweep it under the rug that now held all of our truths.
“I’ve been worried about you since you were born. How the hell do you propose that I just stop? You want me to just turn it off, shut it off like a light switch?”
I didn’t answer with words, only with my eyes. I couldn’t answer that question any more than Lucas could turn off the way he worried about me. His eyes held mine and I noticed a slight shake in his head. An internal fight was clear on his face. “What are you doing here, Alex?”
I didn’t know how to answer that either. “I already told you. I love you, Lucas. Why are you talking to me like you’re still not my best friend?”
He grimaced, covering it quickly. “Go home, Alex. You need to go home.”
“I am home.”
“No. You’re not. Your home isn’t here anymore. Not in this town. Not in the abandoned house. Not here with me.”
I stepped back, needing more space between us, even though we were already a room length away from each other. “Why are you trying to hurt me?”
“For the first time I’m trying to do the opposite. All I’ve ever done is hurt you, with my words, with my actions. I can’t do this to you anymore. I need to let you go.”
“What?” I frowned, confused and scared. Why did I feel scared?
“This.” He pointed in between us. “What we’ve been doing since we were kids.”
“Lucas,” I coaxed, desperately wanting him to stop what he was about to say, but knowing he wouldn’t.
“Go home, Alex. Go home to your fiancé. Go home to California. That’s your home now. I’m your past, and you have to let me go. Cole’s your future. He’s your priority now. Stop worrying about me. I’m not your concern anymore. Cole is. He’s going to be your husband, it’s time you put him first.”
“That’s not what I’m doing. I love Cole but you’ll always be my best friend, Bo.”
“You can’t have it both ways. It’s not fair to him, to you, or to me. I can’t continue to be selfish anymore. I’m not trying to hurt you, Alex. I swear it. I promise you. I’m trying to let you go so you can marry the man you love, so you can have a future with happiness. No more sadness. No more chaos. No more hurricane. No. More. Me.”
I sucked in a deep breath, trying to steady my mind. My heart.
“Go home, Alex. Please. Go home to Cole. You’re his. Not mine.”
I wanted to fight with him. I wanted to tell him that it wasn’t true. His words devastated me, but not because they weren’t true. They gutted me because they were true, every last one of them. I thought about the years of us playing this back and forth game, the truths, the lies, and the secrets, one right after the other. Which caused a domino effect of confusion, hurt, and of pain and sorrow. Of love and hate.
I loved Lucas, but there were also times I hated him. For what he did and didn’t do, but when I pictured my future with Cole I never imagined my life without Lucas being in it. I never realized the severity of me saying yes to his proposal. “I do,” meant goodbye to my past. Goodbye to the memories, to the love, to the best friend I had known all my life. To the only other man I’ve ever loved.
I do was the end of Lucas and the beginning of Cole.
How had I not realized that earlier?
I couldn’t bring myself to say it, so I just turned around.
To go home.
***
“Hello, it’s me!” Lily answered with her standard greeting on the phone.
“Hello, it’s you!” I replied with mine. “How are you? How’s Nashville?”
“Best decision I ever made.”
Lily had dropped out of college after her mom died. She stayed in Oak Island for a few weeks after her funeral and literally packed up her bags and moved to Tennessee. The years of singing and playing the guitar paid off, she got a job at a bar as a bartender and one day they heard her randomly singing. She was now the entertainment two nights a week.
“Have you talked to—”
“No. I changed my phone number remember? He’s not going to ask Lucas for it and I already made you pinky swear that you wouldn’t tell him. Not that he’s—”
“He’s asked.”
“Oh…” She was quiet for several seconds. “Oh well. That boat has sailed to the Caribbean and isn’t planning on coming back. Jacob who?”
“Lily…”
“What? He’s the dickwad that brings his girlfriend to our Christmas party and flaunts her in my face. Then he has the audacity to try to be my best friend at my mom’s funeral.”
“Then why did you have sex with him?”
She gasped. “I told you that in secret and it was never supposed to be repeated. Now go wash your mouth out with soap. It was a moment of weakness. I don’t like him anymore.”
I rolled my eyes, shaking my head.
“I don’t want to talk about him anymore. As a matter of fact… I don’t want to talk about him ever. Let’s send him to that island where girls send their mistakes to. Bye Felicia.”
I chuckled, hearing her say it with attitude and picturing her jolting her head around.
“Let’s talk about your wedding! When the hell are you going to start planning it? It’s been six months since my mom passed. I think it may be time for you to jump back into the swing of things. She would want you to be happy.”
“I know.”
“How’s Cole?”
“He works a lot. He’s got four cases that are going on now, so I haven’t really been spending much time with him.”
“So, not much has changed since I talked to you a few weeks ago.”
“Not really.”
“Why don’t you show up at his office naked?”
“Oh my God.”
“What? Not like naked, naked, that would be weird. I meant like wear a coat and be naked underneath. Guys like that. Just sayin’.”
“It would be easier if I had a job, then I wouldn’t be bored all day and waiting for him to come home.”
After Cole proposed he told me I should quit my job and concentrate on trying to find something I really wanted to do. I helped getting his office and business off the ground but there wasn’t much for me to do there anymore. I mentioned to him that I started looking for another job and by the look on his face he didn’t like it. He said he loved me being home, waiting on him, and once we had a baby… I stopped him after that.
“Have you talked to my brother?”
“You know I haven’t.”
“Right. I guess it’s for the best, dad said he’s been dedicated to Mason, his company and the house he bought, seems like he's always repairing something.”
“A house?” My heart sped up. He wouldn’t… Would he?
“Yeah.”
“What house?”
“I don’t fucking know. Some house on the water in Oak Island, I guess it’s been vacant for years and it went up for auction. He bought it and is fixing it up.”
I had to sit down. My legs couldn’t hold me any longer. “Oh my god.”
“Oh shit! I gotta go. I’m going to be late for work. Talk soon. Love you.”
“Lily! Wait, Lily!” I yelled into the phone but the call had already ended.
I looked around the room every which way as I called my mom.
“Hey, honey.”
“Mom!” I shouted not being able to control my emotions.
“What? Oh my God, what’s going on? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Lucas bought a house?”
“Umm, yeah what? Is that why you’re calling?”
“Yes. No. I mean… I don’t know. Where is this house? Have you seen it? When did he get it? Is he living there? Is it his or is he planning to flip it?” I asked all in one breath.
“Whoa, honey, calm down.”
“Mom, please tell me.”
“Okay, umm the house is on the water. It’s been vacant for years. They put it up on auction. It was all over town, I mean they had at least seventy people bidding for it that morning. Your dad says he paid way too much for the property, but you know him he’s going to do what he wants.”
“Holy shit,” I breathed out with my hand on my chest.
“Alexandra Marie Collins,” she scolded.
“Is he living there?” I asked, not paying her any mind. “Mom, is it his?”
“Honey, of course it’s his. Why would he buy a house that’s not his? He’s living there. He’s been living there for the last few weeks. What is going on? I don’t understand. It’s just a house, Alex.”
“No, Mom. It’s not just a house. It’s way more than that. I gotta go.”
“Alex—”
I hung up at the exact same moment that Cole walked through the front door.
“Hey, Darlin’.”
With wide eyes I stared at the wall in front of me. I couldn’t move. I could barely breathe. I concentrated on just that.
“Is everything alright?” I think he sat down beside me. “Alexandra.”
“Cole…” I whispered in a voice I didn’t recognize. “Why do you want to marry me?” I finally asked, needing to know. I still hadn’t looked at him. It was easier to stare at the wall in front of me.
“What kind of question is that? I love you.”
“I know that.”
“Then why are you asking?”
“It’s a simple question don’t you think?”
“I gave you my answer. I love you, that’s it, Darlin’.”
“Okay, then why do you love me?”
“Is everything alright? You’re starting to scare me.”
“Cole, please answer the question. Why do you love me?”
“I… I… don’t… Jesus… Alexandra. I love you, that’s why.”
I peered down at my ring. “Do you know that I don’t wear jewelry?”
“Of course you do. That necklace. You never take it off.”
I shut my eyes. I had to. “I haven’t worn that in years.”
“What?” He reached for my neck not finding it. “Well, fuck. What does it matter?” he muttered.
“I’m going to ask this one last time and please, please, be honest with me. Why do you want to marry me, Cole?”
“I’ve waited so long for you. I mean you know that. You’re mine.”
“I’m your prize,” I murmured loud enough for him to hear.
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.”
He immediately stood, hovering above me. “What the fuck? Are you testing me? What is this?”
“What if I don’t want to stop working? What if I don’t want to be a stay at home mom?”
“Alexandra, why are you making problems? I want you to live like a queen. I provide for you and you take care of the home. Those are our roles. I grew up in a house where all my parents did was work. I don’t want that for my kids.”
I looked up at him. “My?”
“You know what I meant.”
I cocked my head to the side with a questioning gaze.
“What? Jesus Christ, I have let you mope around here for months. Not given you any grief for the fact you’re mourning a mother that’s not even yours. We haven’t picked a date for our wedding, and we barely even talk about it. And now I come home to this shit? You have got to be kidding me!”
“Wow, Cole.”
“She wasn’t your mom. I get being sad, but your mom is still alive. Come on.”
I buried my head in my hands. “She was like a mother to me. I can’t believe you just said that.”
“Darlin’…”
“Don’t call me that. Not now.”
“I love you. We’re together now. I want to move on with our lives. I want to get married, I want to have kids, I want—”
“What about what I want?”
“I thought that’s what you wanted, too.”
“That night, Cole. The night we had sex for the first time. Did you know?”
“Know what?”
“Did you know I was a virgin?”
“Of course I did.”
“No, not right before it happened. I’m talking about the day before or the month before. Did you know before taking me into your room that I was a virgin?”
He sighed and I knew my answer.
“It doesn’t matter. I have you. We’re getting married. It doesn’t change anything. I won. You’re mine.” He sat down beside me, rubbing my back. “Right?”
I faced him, knowing what I had to do. “I can’t marry you, Cole.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything. But I can’t marry you. I should have never said yes. I should have never gone back to your house with you. I should of… I can’t change the past, the only thing I can change is the future, and I can’t marry you.”
He shook his head. “You don’t mean that.”
“I do. I’ve never meant anything more in my life.”
“I love you.”
“I know, but is it because you’re in love with me?”
“I don’t understand the difference.”
I sadly smiled. “You will one day when you meet that person. I’m not her, Cole. You think I am, but trust me, you would know what the difference is.”
“It’s him, isn’t it?” he questioned with a hard edge in his tone.
I bowed my head. “I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t believe you’re doing this. I’ve spent years waiting for you. Pining over you like a lost puppy. Standing on the sidelines. Shit,” he sighed. “I want to hate you. I want to hate you so fucking bad right now, but I can’t. All these years, since we were kids I’ve known. You don’t look at me the way you do him. You don’t smile the same way. You don’t laugh the same way. I thought… I thought that it didn’t matter. You would grow to love me, and every time you would say it to me, I swear I tried to believe it. Except that look in your eyes, the one that was for him, I never even got a glimpse of it. Not one time.”
Tears fell down my face. “I’m so sorry,” I repeated the only thing to be true.
“I never understood your bond, the connection that you hold between each other. It makes no sense to me. Not one bit. I thought I was the better man for you, knowing in my heart I never was. How fucked up is that? I fought for you, knowing I would never win. Knowing I was wasting my time, but I didn’t care. I wanted to have you in anyway I could. I don’t know if that’s love or fucking stupidity.” He stood, walking over to the window and I stayed where I was.
There was nothing I could do to comfort him. To make it all right. I hated that I hurt him. I hated that I led him on. It wasn’t fair to him, none of this was.
“I never wanted to hurt you, Cole. I swear to you on my life that I never wanted to cause you pain. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you’re hurting right now. You don’t deserve it. You’ve been nothing but an amazing man to me, a friend that I needed. I love you. I do. I mean that. But at the end of the day… I have to do what feels right in my heart and it’s not us. I’m so sorry. I will treasure every moment we’ve spent together. I promise you that.”
We were silent for I don’t know how long. He turned to face me with a look I had never seen before. “We’re both to blame. I guess it’s one of the reasons I’m drowning myself in work. You haven’t looked at me the same since the funeral, and I guess it’s why I kept my distance. A part of me knew this was coming. I just thought if I ignored it, it would go away. I could make it go away.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“There’s nothing left to say. I’ll move my things into the guest bedroom until you figure things out.” He walked toward me and sat in front of me on his heels, wiping the tears away from my face. Both of us knowing…
This was truly.
The end.