My boys were gone.
Lucas was gone.
Though Austin remained. A huge part of me was gone, too.
My innocence.
My virtue.
My virginity.
Half-Pint left with my boys. Brown eyed girl left with my Bo.
They left yesterday, and I could barely look at myself in the mirror today. There was no going back for me. I already felt lost and alone without them, without him.
I couldn’t believe I lost my virginity like that. I couldn’t believe I gave it to him so easily. I couldn’t believe it was gone.
Like them.
Like him.
Alex… Alexandra… she remained.
With a choice that I made…
With a guilt that I inflicted…
With a hurt that I caused…
With a regret…
That would forever haunt me.
“What the fuck, man?” Jacob badgered. “Come out with us.”
“I’m all right,” I yawned into the couch, channel surfing.
“Are you fucking kidding me? Jesus Christ, Lucas, we’ve been here for almost four months and all you do is watch TV and go to class.”
I shrugged.
He took a deep breath, leaned over and turned off the TV.
“What the fuck?” I shouted.
“Exactly! What the fuck?” he repeated with his arms out in the air. “What’s your deal, man? You don’t want to do shit. We’re in college! A fraternity! Chicks throwing their pussy at you without you even giving them a second glance! What’s your problem?”
“Right now? You,” I stated, not amused.
“What happened to the Lucas from high school? The one who fucked any girl that would spread her legs for him?”
“I’m over that.”
“No shit.”
I sat up, shaking my head. “What do you want from me? I don’t get involved in your business. Do I tell you not to go out and bring home the randoms you do every night? No! I mind my own goddamn business, the same exact way you fucking should.”
“At least someone’s getting laid around here. Between Dylan fucking moping around everywhere and you with your…” he pointed at me with his hand. “Who the fuck knows, I’m dying of boredom. These are supposed to be the best years of our life.”
I arrogantly smiled with wide eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t get that memo.”
He narrowed his eyes at me and crossed his arms over his chest. “This is about Alex isn’t it?”
“Don’t talk about shit you don’t know,” I scoffed.
“I miss her, too. We all do.”
I wanted to say it was different for me. I wanted to say he didn’t understand. I wanted to say I loved her. I wanted to say a lot of things.
Mostly I wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up.
“You’re going to see her in a few weeks, we will be home for Thanksgiving break.”
Nothing mattered anymore. We both lived two separate lives now, her fears becoming our reality.
“Do you think she’s sitting around as miserable as you?”
I hope so.
“When was the last time you talked to her?”
“A few weeks ago,” I muttered. We didn’t talk that often. It was easier that way.
“And what?” he added.
“She said she was fine.” And for the first time I believed her. “How often do you talk to her?” I found myself asking.
He shrugged, shaking his head. “A few times a week.”
Ouch. I tried to pretend that didn’t hurt like hell.
“Lucas, I know you and her have—”
“Don’t,” I ordered, not ready to hear what he had to share.
He cocked his head to the side and sighed. “Don’t what? What am I not supposed to say?”
“What you’ve known all along.”
We both stared at each other for I don’t how long, time just seemed to a stand still.
“I love you, Lucas. I love her, too. You’re my family. She’s like a little sister to us, she always has been. Do I need to remind you of that?” he scorned in a tone I didn’t fucking appreciate.
I leaned forward, sitting my elbows on my knees. “You mean more than you already have?” I challenged.
He jerked back. “That’s not—”
“It’s not?” I interrupted.
“No. It’s not.”
“Could have fooled me.”
“What, Lucas? You think you’re good enough for her? You think we didn’t see the bags under her eyes? The way she looked at you from across the room when all you did was flaunt your pussy party in front of everyone. You think that’s what love is? I sure as hell don’t. She’s a good girl, she always has been. She doesn’t need your shit, she also doesn’t deserve it.”
I sat there speechless. I couldn’t form the words that I wanted to express so deeply. It wouldn’t change anything. The damage was already done.
He nodded, knowing he got to me. “Exactly.”
I took one last look at him, leaned back into the couch, and turned on the TV.
“Hey,” Austin greeted from behind me. I turned to face him.
“Hey.”
He sat down next to me on the bench at the pier.
“Whatcha doin’ over here by yourself?”
“I don’t know. Sometimes I come here to think.”
I hadn’t seen Lucas or the boys since Christmas break. They were coming home for spring break in a few weeks, except it was college spring break not high school. So who knew how much time I would get to spend with them. I was excited nonetheless. We hadn’t talked about what happened before he left for school. Not one word. It was like it didn’t happen, except it replayed in my mind like a broken record. Apparently he didn’t have the same problem, but to give him the benefit of the doubt, Lucas always had the ability to hide things better than me. I hoped this was the case.
“About Lucas?”
I immediately looked over at him, stunned and dismayed.
He reassuringly smiled with an arched eyebrow and a mischievous look on his face. “It’s okay, Half-Pint, I’m not Jacob or Dylan. All I want is for you to be happy with Lucas, with Cole, shit even with a chick if that floats your fancy.”
I chuckled. “No girls.”
He laughed. “A guy can dream, right?”
I grinned, nudging him with my shoulder. “How long have you known?”
“Long enough.”
I nodded with understanding as I turned to look back out over at the water.
“The boys—”
“I know. In all fairness though, they’re just looking out for you. It’s what we’ve always done. It’s not coming from a bad place.”
“I know.”
“I don’t think you do, I know you, Alex. I’ve known you as long as I’ve known them. You and Lucas have always had a special bond. When I was a kid, I used to be jealous of it, not because I wanted you in that way or anything, you’re like my little sister and that applies to all of us. Except you and Lucas complete each other. You balanced each other out in a way that we all do for one another, but you had your own dynamic going on.”
I nodded in understanding. I felt like he wanted to say more to me and I didn’t want to ruin it by talking.
“I’ve always felt like the odd man out with the rest of the boys, I’m the youngest. I guess that’s why I try to do everything to the extreme. I need to make up for it or something.”
“Austin,” I murmured, completely surprised and taken aback. “I never knew you felt that way.”
“I’m good at hiding things, we have that in common. The boys have never made me feel like that by any means. It’s still there though. You know Lucas always tells me that we’re a lot alike, and I never understood what he meant until they left,” he paused, reflecting on what he was about to say to me. “Both of us wanting to be one of the boys.”
I gazed at the side of his face. “I’ve never thought that about you. Not ever.”
“And I’ve never thought that about you, but it doesn’t change the fact that you felt that way, does it?”
“No,” I half-whispered.
He sadly smiled and bowed his head for a few seconds, only looking back up when he was ready. “I graduate in a few months.”
“Three months,” I stated. I knew because I counted down the days until I would really be alone. It was a ticking time clock in my head.
He glanced at me, smiling, and it eased the worry I felt in my heart.
“You going to miss me, Half-Pint?”
“Always,” I bellowed, my eyes blurring.
He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his chest, kissing the top of my head and letting his lips linger. “I will always be here for you, it doesn’t matter where I am. I will always take care of you, and I will always love you. You’re my Half-Pint,” he vowed, his voice breaking.
I sniffed. “Ditto.”
“One day we won’t care what the boys think about us or what we do. On that day, we will both be extremely happy.”
I wanted to say I was happy, but I would be lying. It broke my heart that for all these years he had felt this way and I had no idea.
Did the boys?
“So… it’s Saturday night and Charlie’s throwing one of his raging parties. Let’s go,” he demanded, standing up and reaching his hand out for me. “No.” He shook his head before I could answer.
“I don’t want to hear your bullshit excuses about this or that. You will have fun with me. You will drink. You will dance. You will party. And that’s a fucking order.”
I giggled and rolled my eyes. “Okay.”
We spent the next several hours enjoying the night. It was the first time I could ever remember truly letting loose and experiencing being a teenager in high school.
I laughed.
I drank.
I danced.
I did everything Austin ordered me to do. I loved him even more than I did because of it. I never thought that could even be possible.
“Stop walking so fast,” I rambled, holding onto Austin’s hand.
“Stop walking so slow,” he replied, slightly slurring.
“Hurry your asses up!” Someone yelled from in front of us.
“Where are we going?” I asked, already forgetting what he told me.
“The cops are coming, the party is being relocated.”
“Oh yeah,” I laughed.
He opened my car door for me and closed it when I was firmly seated inside. He jumped into the driver’s side, throwing the car into reverse, and my body jerked forward from the momentum.
“Turn the music on,” I heard him say.
I had a hard time finding the knobs, my vision blurry and unclear.
“Half-Pint, you’re drunk,” he chuckled right along with me.
“I love this song!” I shouted when I found the station I wanted. I started to dance around in my seat, while Austin banged on the steering wheel, dancing right along with me. We stopped at a red light or maybe it was a stop sign.
I leaned back into my seat and lazily looked over at him. “I love you, Austin. I love you so so so much.”
He looked over at me. “I love you more. I will always take care of you and don’t ever fucking forget that. Now put your fucking seatbelt on.”
“Oh yeah,” I sloppily grabbed the strap behind my head as the car started to move again. “It won’t go in the buckle,” I giggled.
“Here.” He took it out of my hands. “Grab the wheel.”
“Mmm kay.” I tried to hold onto it, but the road looked really fuzzy. “Austin, I don’t think I should be doing this.”
“I’m almost done.”
I looked down for a second. At least it seemed that way. “You need to put your seatbelt on, too,” I hiccupped.
“Done.”
I smiled and faced forward, as he grabbed the steering wheel again. I went back to dancing around and so did he.
“Austin, you pussy, can’t you drive faster than that,” the car next to us shouted. I squinted my eyes to see who it was.
“If I beat you to the woods, you pay for all the beer.”
“You’re on!” Austin yelled back.
“I don’t think—”
“Hey, what were the rules?” he reminded with a huge smile on his face, he appeared so happy. I still hurt from the conversation we had earlier that I didn’t want to dampen his spirits. If he felt anything like how I felt in the last few years, then he deserved this as much as I did.
“To have fun,” I beamed.
He turned the radio up louder, and the car accelerated faster. I danced around, trying to pretend that I didn’t feel the car starting to recoil from the dirt and grass, making my body jolt around all over. I had waited a few minutes before I pressed my hands against the dashboard, trying to hold my body steady from the impact around us.
“Slow down!” I finally yelled.
“We’re almost there!”
My stomach felt queasy, I wasn’t having fun anymore. I felt scared, so I turned down the music. “You’re going too fast.”
“Relax we’re fine.”
It didn’t feel fine. I didn’t feel fine. Panic started to take control and a huge lump in my throat made it hard for me to breathe. I gasped in and out, my chest rising and descending at rapid speed as I took in our dark and dim surroundings. The cars headlights only illuminated a few feet out in front of us, making it hard to know where to go next. Austin swerved left and then right, and for a second I thought he may have lost control of the car, but when I saw the clear path ahead of us I finally exhaled out a sigh of relief.
Except it was too soon.
A tree lay out in front of us a few feet ahead, probably as a result from the last few hurricanes.
“AUSTIN!” I screamed bloody murder. It vibrated throughout the entire car as he looked over at me with regret and sorrow spread all over his handsome face. He slammed on the brakes, but it was too late. We were in Gods' hands now. I instinctively placed my arms over my face to provide a false sense of protection that we would be okay. I swear on everything that was holy I felt Austin’s arm pressed up against my chest, trying to hold me in.
Choices…
Everyone had them.
The good.
The bad.
The right.
The wrong.
The moment I heard our car crash into a tree my life was forever changed...
Like the accident, my life was on a collision course of choices and like that I had to make a choice.
I put on my seatbelt.
He didn’t.
The moment I realized that.
Everything. Went. Black.