“He loves me and I love—”
“You love the idea of him. You love that it’s comfortable. You love that he’s always been there, like a sad fucking kitten that you fed one time and wouldn’t go away.” He stepped toward me and I immediately stepped back. Which made him stop and cock his head to the side. “Scared of me?”
“Of course not.”
“Then why won’t you let me touch you? Is it because you know everything I said was true? And the second I put my hands on you, you’ll know who you really belong to?”
“That’s not fair.”
“I never said life was fair.”
“I hate it every time you say that.”
“It doesn’t make it any less true, because if it were, you’d be the mother of my son and that ring on your finger would have been placed there by me.”
My chest rose and descended with each word that fell from his lips.
“Let me touch you, Alex. Let me prove to you that everything I say is true.”
He came at me but this time I expected it, so when my back hit the wall he instantly caged me in with his arms. His face mere inches away from mine, I felt him everywhere. All at once, his scent, his body, his eyes, his mouth, even though the only thing that touched me was his arms.
“Tell me to leave, Alex. Tell me to go. Tell me you don’t love me. Tell me that you don’t wish it were me that you went to bed with every night and woke up to every morning. Tell me that every time you hold my son you don’t envision him as being yours. Ours. Tell me you don’t want this and I swear I’ll leave you alone. I’ll let you marry Cole and live happily ever after. I swear to you on my son that I will walk out of here knowing that you’re no longer my brown eyed girl.”
“Lucas,” I warned in a voice I didn’t recognize.
“Call me what you really want to.” He placed his forehead on mine, bringing his arms closer to frame my face. “Call me Bo,” he groaned in a tone that made my stomach flutter and my body warm. His mouth so close to mine that I could feel him breathe on me. As if testing me he licked his lips, slowly, provoking me.
Proving to me that he was right.
I shut my eyes. I had to. The realization was too hard to admit and I knew he could see it in my eyes.
He knew me.
“Bo,” I panted, my breathing mimicking his. “Please…”
“Please what, baby?” he rasped as if he hung on by a thread. Waiting for me to say the magic words that would set both of us free.
Except not the way he hoped.
“I’m getting married. I’m engaged to another man. I came here today to close the door to us, not to open it again.”
It was like a bucket of cold water being poured down his body, he instantly backed away from me. I felt the loss of his warmth, his love, instantly. The damage was done, and the look on his face made me question what I had just done.
Was I making the right choice? I couldn’t hurt Cole. I loved him. Didn’t I?
I stepped toward him but now it was his turn to back away.
“Lucas…”
He sadly smiled. “I have no one to blame but myself. Maybe the better man did win and at the end of the day, as long as you’re happy that’s all that truly matters.”
I forced back the tears that wanted to escape. I would not cry. I was supposed to be happy. Cole makes me happy.
Then why do I feel like I’m dying?
“There’s nothing left to say. I wish you all the happiness in the world, Alexandra. You deserve it more than anyone I know. I will always, always, fucking love you. No one can take that away from me, not even you.”
I blinked away the tears. I couldn’t hold them in any longer.
“Congratulations.” He took one last look at me and left.
I turned around and looked at the hole in the wall.
It now mirrored my heart.
I never expected her to not invite me to her engagement party. I just never thought it would happen so fast. Six months went flying by.
I didn’t believe it until I saw it with my very own eyes.
How fucking stupid am I?
I saw my mother helping with the engagement party.
I saw the engagement invitation when I held it in my hands.
I saw the date.
I saw their names.
I saw them walking into her parent’s restaurant together, her in a white dress, firmly wrapped around him.
I saw it all.
It was only then I truly believed it. It was only then that it seemed real. After that everything took a turn for the worst. They say God doesn’t give you more than you could handle, they say when it rains it pours. They say everything happens in threes.
The cancer.
My son.
Alex getting engaged.
I thought that was the end, but it wasn’t. Every day after the engagement party my mom got worse, it had been four months. There was no mistaking it anymore. No wishful thinking or praying.
She was dying.
The doctors reaffirmed that she didn’t have more than a few more weeks to live, give or take. My dad called in a few favors and he had one of his alumni take over his patients. He closed his office for the time being. He said he wanted to spend every last second with his wife. My baby sister was beyond devastated. She had always been so positive and cheerful, making lemonade out of lemons and all that shit. To have her breakdown in my arms as we stood around hearing the doctors tell us that her fight was over, that they did everything they could do. All that was left was to make her as comfortable as possible from here on out. They informed us like they had done for a million other families before us, as if it had been rehearsed with no index cards, and they memorized every last word. Every last detail.
I stayed strong because everyone around me, including my father who I had never seen shed one tear before, broke down. The sounds of despair spilling from his mouth made me want to crumble just thinking about it. My mom held him in her arms, like she had done so many times for me as a child, expressing soothing words of comfort that were just a bunch of bullshit. Nothing would be okay after this.
Not. One. Damn. Thing.
I had yet to cry. I hadn’t let what I felt brewing deep inside surface. I couldn’t allow it to take over. If I did it wouldn’t stop. It would take me under and God knows when I would come up again, so I kept going. Concentrated on work, Mason, and my mom. Ignoring everything that collapsed around me.
My family.
My faith.
My love.
I became God’s personal entertainment. At least that’s how it felt.
“Mom,” I muttered, standing at her bedroom door. It became difficult to see her with her eyes closed and not imagine she was gone. She looked gone. No longer the woman who I recognized as my mother, all that was left was the sickness that was taking her away.
“Baby,” she murmured like it hurt for her to speak. The machines precisely placed around her only adding to the truth.
I sat on the edge of her bed and grabbed her hand. I don’t know what came over me, maybe it was the fact that I knew this would be one of the last times I would speak to her, maybe it was the fact that I knew I needed to say goodbye, or maybe it was just the fucking fact that I knew the end was near. I hunched over, laying my head on top of her still beating heart and bawled like a baby. I sobbed, over and over again. My chest ached and my throat burned. I hyperventilated, sucking in air that wasn’t available. She rubbed my back, never once trying to stop my crying or preventing my emotions from running wild.
“I don’t know how I’m going to live without you. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to go on. Please… please… God… don’t take her away from me,” I bellowed in the misery that lay beneath me.
“I will never leave you, Lucas. I will always be here for you. Just because you can’t see me, it doesn’t mean that I’m not here.”
“It’s not fair. It’s not fair that this is happening.” I wept for what seemed like hours. Time didn’t stand still. Every second that passed was less time I would have with her and that’s what killed me more than anything.
“Everything is going to be okay. I know it doesn’t seem like that now. I know it may not seem like that when I’m gone, but I promise you. I swear to you that everything will be okay.”
I sniffled, sitting up and she wiped away my tears.
“I love you. I loved you since the moment I found out I was pregnant with you. You lived inside me for nine months, Lucas, the bond that we share is unbreakable. I’ve heard your heartbeat from inside my body that can never be broken.”
I nodded because I couldn’t find the words to express how much I loved her.
She placed her hands on the sides of my face. “Listen to me because I will only be able to say it once. Your bond with Alex has so much strength.”
“Mom.” I tried to pull my face away, but she held me as firm as her weak hands could.
“Everything happens for a reason and I swear to you that me dying is for a greater purpose. Do you understand me?”
I nodded even though I didn’t.
“You have to be strong for your dad and for your sister. They’re not as strong as you. You have to be my big, Lucas.” She hadn’t called me that since I was a child and the sentiment almost had me breaking down yet again.
“Promise me that you can do that for me.”
“I promise.”
“Promise me that you will try not to mourn me and that you will go on with your life. That you will be happy because you know that I’m always with you.”
“I promise.”
“Promise me that you will accept any other woman that comes into your father's life.”
I shook my head no. “Don’t ask me that.”
She took a deep breath and said, “Maybe your father was meant to have two soul mates. I don’t want him to be alone. Please, Lucas, tell me that you will.”
“Okay. I will do it for you.”
“I am so proud of you and the man that you have become. I love you so much, so, so, much.”
“I love you, too.”
She pulled me in for a tight embrace. I hugged her for as long as I could. For every memory, for every promise, and for every new memory she would miss. When I drew away, she stared behind me, and it had me turning to follow her gaze.
Alex stood in the doorway with her arms over her chest, and a look of pure sorrow and grief on her face. Fresh tears pooled in her eyes. She looked so tiny, so delicate, and fragile. She reminded me of the little girl that she once was. Not the twenty-three-year-old woman she was today.
“I came as fast as I could. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come sooner.”
“Is Cole with you?” Mom asked, but something told me she already knew.
She shook her head. “He just opened a new firm and he couldn’t take time off, he wanted—” she wavered and I recognized that face immediately, which is exactly why she stopped in the first place.
She didn’t want me to realize…
That she was about to lie.