We spent the rest of the summer riding our bikes and getting into trouble. My thirteenth birthday was a few days ago and I hated making a big deal out of it. I wasn’t much for being the center of attention, unless I was on a wave, riding it on my surfboard. The adrenaline in my system beat out the anxiety of being watched in my mind. I was definitely an adrenaline junkie, but I hopelessly tried to keep it on lock down. Alex wanted to do everything I did and there was no telling her she couldn’t do it. She swore that was my personality, not hers.
But the truth was, we were one and the same.
She waited until we were alone to hand me my gift. Since our parents were the closest to each other, she was constantly staying late. Sometimes they even stayed overnight from drinking too much and shooting the shit. I had bunk beds in my room, I slept on the bottom and the top was hers. She always wanted to sleep on the bottom, but I wouldn’t let her. I knew the beds were sturdy and nothing would happen, but I still couldn’t get over the fear that if it broke it would crush her.
And I’d never let anything happen to her.
As I rode my bike, I remembered the look on her face when I opened my present. She sat on my bed with her legs crossed and the nervousness oozing off of her. It was a picture of her holding up my surfboard, dressed in my board shorts and gray Quicksilver t-shirt I’d given her. She posed in a funny yet adorable way. When I smiled and raised my eyes to her she said, “It’s so you don’t have to look at them magazines anymore.”
“Come on, Half-Pint, pedal faster like we taught you,” Austin shouted from a distance, taking me away from my thoughts. It didn’t matter how fast she pedaled, she would never be able to catch up to us. Her legs were much shorter than ours.
Again, she was just a girl.
“I am!” she yelled back, out of breath.
I peered behind me and saw her still far behind, so I decided to stop and wait for her on the side of the street. A bright orange flower by my foot caught my attention.
I reached down and tore it from the ground.
She halted right beside me, panting. “It doesn’t matter how fast I pedal, I can’t catch up with you boys,” she sadly whispered, bowing her head. I knew it took a lot for her to admit that and I hated seeing her look so defeated.
It wasn’t in her nature.
I placed the flower under her nose and her eyes brightened, quickly replacing the sadness. Gazing up at me with joy for something so minuscule. She grinned and grabbed the flower from my fingers, tucking it behind her ear.
Right then and there, I learned that it was all about the little things when it came to her.
“Come on.” I nodded toward her feet.
She took another exaggerated breath and started to pedal down the road with me alongside her. We rode in comfortable silence for a few minutes, going a lot slower now and I started getting a bit bored. I let go of my handlebars and balanced on the bike with my arms out to my sides to maintain my stability. I leaned my body to the side to hold my bike in place, as we were taking a curve.
“Show off,” she teased.
I smiled, she was partially right. I always tried to impress her, when you’re that young you don’t understand the reasons behind it. You just do it. By the time we made it down to the river the guys were already in the water, horsing around. I helped her off her bike and securely placed it next to mine, locking them together around a tree. I grabbed her hand and she followed close behind me.
The woods were murky and muggy. It rained that morning and left a humid atmosphere in its wake. They weren't too far from where we had parked the bikes, but you needed to be careful where you stepped. I knew Alex would tread where I had, without even having to tell her to do so, it was always that way between us. When we were older, I realized that we had this unspoken bond that neither of us understood or talked about and it was only then that I wished we had.
The closer we drew to the river, the louder it became. The trees finally cleared off and all that was left was a field of water with trees surrounding it. It smelled awful and part of me doubted that Alex would actually go into the river. I knew better than to ask her, though.
“I know what you’re thinking, Lucas Ryder, and I’m going to punch you.”
I spun around, meeting her deep glare. “It’s not gonna hurt even if you do.”
She punched me anyway.
“Come on, you slowpokes, hurry it up already,” Austin called out from the tire swing, hanging off of it like a monkey.
Dylan and Jacob were already in the river rough housing, seeing who could hold the other under water the longest and gasping once they came up for air. I took off my shirt and shorts, throwing them onto a tree branch by the water. I wore my black one-piece bathing suit while the boys were wearing swim trunks with no shirts on. I wanted to wear that too, but my mom was adamant that I needed to wear what little girls wore. I hated my bathing suit but they never paid me any mind that I wasn’t dressed like them.
I heard Lucas take off from behind me, jumping head first into the river. I knew that there were alligators swimming among them, and I silently prayed they couldn’t smell my fear. Lucas came up from under the water and whipped his hair back away from his face with a sudden jolt of his neck. He swam closer to the bank waiting for me.
“Did you know gators only come out into the open when they feel threatened? Otherwise they scurry away from the chaos and noise,” Lucas said out loud for all of us to hear, but truly it was just for me.
I smirked and tottered through the grass, my feet sinking to the bottom of the river. Lucas swam in a bit and jerked his head to the side. It was a silent agreement for me to hang off his back. I smiled and swam up behind him, putting my arms around his neck and my legs around his torso. He paddled us out to the rest of the boys and we stayed like that for the entire day.
***
School was back in full swing and my birthday was a few days away. I was about to be eleven. It was my last year in elementary school — one more year and I would finally be back in the same school with my boys. They were in seventh grade and Austin in sixth. Their bodies started to fill out and they ate more than ever. Our parents constantly complained about how they couldn’t keep them fed. Lucas’s mom started stocking the pantry with peanut butter, Ritz crackers, and raisins. I loved them individually, but he would pile it all together on a cracker and eat it. I swear the boy lived off of it. Pizza Rolls, Hot Pockets, Pop Tarts and Sunny D were also some of their favorites. Drinking milk by the gallons became a thing of the norm, always chugging it right from the cartons, much to our mothers’ disapproval. I had watched them get slapped so many times on the back of the head that I started to do it, too. Their voices started to change and began getting deeper which made it hard for me to recognize who I talked to from day to day.
There were also girls that started to hang out with them and I hated that, too. It was probably what I hated the most about them growing up and being so good looking. The older we got, the more the girls flocked around them. In my mind, they weren’t anyone else’s, especially some stupid girls. They were mine and I didn’t want to share them. I expressed my possessive feelings to them often and they always laughed me off and reassured me that I fussed over nothing.
All the girls looked completely different from me. They wore makeup, dresses, and their hair was always down and blowing in the wind. They appeared to be Barbies, looking like the girls that I had seen in their magazines. I would catch all of their wandering eyes anytime one of those girls stepped foot around us.
Even Lucas.
And I definitely hated that more than anything. “Hey, Luke,” some big boobed blonde said, walking toward us on the beach.
We were sitting near my parents’ restaurant, and she wore the tiniest bikini I had ever seen. I subconsciously glared down at my worn out t-shirt that happened to be two sizes too big on me, and my jean shorts that went down past my knees. I begged my mom for months to let me buy a few pairs, even though they were technically boy cargo shorts. I didn’t own any girl clothes. I loathed them as much as I did those stupid girls.
“Lucas, my name’s Lucas, not Luke,” he replied, as I peeked up through my lashes.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she flirted, sitting beside him on the sand.
I played with the sand out in front of me, piling handfuls of it on top of each other, pretending that I wasn’t listening to every word they were saying.
“Are you ready for Mr. Smith’s test tomorrow?”
He shrugged, watching me from the corner of his eyes.
“Oh! Well, I’m ready for it. Maybe I could help you. I wouldn’t mind. I’m very good with numbers.”
He started piling sand on top of each other with me, interlocking his with mine, our fingers brushing up against each other.
“Nah, I don’t need any help,” he simply stated, tearing down my sand tower and grinning at me with a satisfied look on his face.
“Are you sure?” She leaned over and pressed her gigantic boobs on his arm. She smelled like the honey my mom put in her tea.
Why would anyone want to smell like food?
I now hated that smell.
“I’m sure.” He brushed her off.
She made some comment about also being good at Chemistry. I didn’t understand what she implied, but Lucas grinned like a fool. When she walked away, he bumped his shoulder with mine.
“I think one of her boobs are as big as my head,” I blurted while watching her confidently stride away from him, swaying her hips with each step she took.
How did she walk like that?
He burst out laughing not following my gaze that was promptly placed on her perfect body.
Would I ever look like that?
“I think you might not be too far off from that one,” he admitted.
“Do you like her?” I asked, not being able to look him in the eye.
“She’s nice,” was all he replied.
“She seems like she likes you.”
He smiled. “Lots of girls like me.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Do you like me, Half-Pint?” he teased, standing up and clearing off the sand from his board shorts.
I rolled my eyes again. “No. I love you.”
It wasn’t the first time I had said that to him. I would say it to all of them. It was never a big deal…
Until it was.
I nodded and held out my hand to pull her up. “I love you, too,” I repeated, bringing her toward me.
We had been saying I love you to each other for God knows how long and I meant it every time I said it to her.
“She’s just a girl,” I stated, holding her in place by her shoulders in front of me.
She cocked her head, lifting her eyes to me with an inquisitive stare I didn’t recognize.
“What am I?”
I smiled. “One of us. You’ll always be one of us, Half-Pint.”
“Good.” She nodded, seeming pleased by my answer and reassurance.
“Now! Today is the day…”
“For what?”
I spun her to face the ocean, leveling myself behind her. “You’re going to surf.”
She shook her head. “Nah, I’m not ready yet.”
This was the only thing that she never showed any interest in. We lived on the east coast, Oak Island was known for sharks swimming near the shoreline, getting lost in the inlet chasing their prey. They didn't scare me. I’d been around them for what seemed like forever and it went hand-in-hand with surfing. We’d lost count of how many times we’d seen one. It was a natural occurrence for me to be sitting out on my board watching them somewhere in the ocean.
I grabbed my board, giving her the familiar stern look that meant I would get my way, with or without her consent, even though I wanted the latter. She took a deep breath, rolling her eyes as she removed her shirt and shorts that left her in her black one-piece bathing suit she hated so much. I personally thought she looked adorable, especially when her hair was up in pigtails.
“You weigh nothing, it will be so easy for you to ride a wave, and then you will understand the feeling of being one with the water.” I thought I could feel her shaking her head behind me or maybe I just knew she’d be doing it.
“That makes absolutely no sense.”
“Exactly! It’s hard to describe, there is nothing like it and it’s time you experience it. I have spent a ridiculous amount of time on the beach, teaching you how to keep your balance on the board and how to pop up once the wave hits.” I dragged her to the shoreline.
“I don’t want to, Bo.”
I laid my board on the water. “I would never let anything happen to you,” I stated, locking my eyes with hers, knowing that she could see the sincerity in my stare.
Gawking from me to the board and back at me again, she finally sighed, “Okay.”
I strapped the leash around her ankle, as she positioned the upper half of her body in the middle of the board. I gave the fin a little push and she started to paddle out into the waves. I stood there, my arms crossed over my chest with my feet planted in the water, as the receding waves pulled the sand from beneath my feet. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t fixated on watching her tiny butt, more than her effort on paddling out against the current. Her bathing suit rode up her cheeks, making it easy for me to do so.
I didn't think much about it, being that young. I just chalked it up to normal boy hormones.
She paddled past the break and awkwardly tried to sit up on the board, still trying to maintain her balance and not flip over. She sat there for a bit once she was comfortable. Dragging her legs back and forth in the water, enjoying the way it felt on her feet and in-between her toes. She started drumming on my board, swaying her body side-to-side, her lips moving, singing Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison, I was sure, I sang it to her constantly. Completely oblivious to anything around her, including when she should be catching a wave, but I couldn’t help the huge smile that crept on my face.
She always had that effect on me. I loved her carefree, childlike personality, making lemonade out of lemons wherever she went. She captivated me all the time, enveloping me with her mannerisms and demeanor that was just plain Alex. A part of me knew she was aware of it, the effect she had on me. It didn’t matter what she’d be doing, my eyes followed her everywhere, constantly waiting for her to do something else that would make me fall in love with her just a little bit more.
I thought it was normal…
The feelings I had for her. I thought all the boys felt that way, assuming she had a gravitational pull on all of us. I learned later that I was wrong.
I couldn’t have been more wrong had I tried.
She finally paddled for a few waves here and there with no luck and I saw it before it happened, a shark skimming through the waves. I knew if I yelled for her to paddle in she would freak the hell out and probably flip my board, ending up in the water.
So I waited, dreading the reaction from her that I knew would come. She sat back up and not even a minute later the shark bumped the board with its nose. It hit hard enough to make her aware of what was going on, what had happened. Even from the shoreline I could see her panicked expression. I ran out into the waves, far enough to where she could hear me.
“Half-Pint! Lay on the board and hold onto the sides and let the white water drag you back in!” I watched for the right wave and time. “Do it now!”
She immediately did as she was told. I waited until I could grab the nose of the board and helped her in. I could see the tears falling down the sides of her face before we were back on land and I knew I was in trouble. Alex didn’t cry.
Ever.
“I told you! I told you I didn’t want to go out there! Why would you do that to me?” she bellowed, yelling at me in an unfamiliar tone before she was even off the board.
“Half-Pint, I’m sorry. Calm down,” I reasoned, grabbing her arms to help her off the board while trying to comfort and hold her up at the same time.
“No! You didn’t listen to me! I’m so mad at you! Let go of me!”
I held her tighter, pulling her toward me. “Half-Pint,” I coaxed. “You’re okay. I’m sorry. I would never hurt you. I would never let anything happen to you. You know that, please. I’m sorry,” I apologized with desperation and frustration filling my eyes and voice.
She thrashed in my arms, desperately wanting to pull away from me and it broke my heart.
“Lucas Ryder, let go of me! Let go of me this instant before I kick you where the sun don’t shine! Do you hear me? I want nothing to do with you! Now let go!”
I tried not to laugh, amused with her banter and feisty spirit. “No, not until you forgive me.”
She screamed, heaving back far enough that I had to grip her wrists. “Stop screaming.”
“Then let go of me!” she argued through gritted teeth near my face.
“Are you going to forgive me?” I replied not backing down.
“Hell. No.”
“You stubborn lil’ thang.” I jerked her forward, closer to my face and she lost her footing.
She wouldn’t stop fighting while I just held onto her, barely breaking a sweat or using any of my strength. She knew her efforts wouldn’t matter. She would never be able to overpower me and get away. I was bigger, she wouldn’t be able to go unless I wanted her to, and I knew that pissed her off more than anything.
“Stop being such a girl,” I simply stated.
Her eyes widened, gasping loudly. “Oh my God! Let go! Let go before I really hurt you. I’m not kidding, Lucas!” she yelled out directly in my face.
Thank God the beach was secluded or we definitely would have attracted a crowd. Her parents’ restaurant wasn’t far from us.
“You and what army, Alexandra.”
And then she screamed again. She screamed so damn loud you would think I was killing her. My ears felt like they were bleeding and I worried that someone would hear her and then shit would really hit the fan. If my mom knew I let her go out on my board, she would have my ass. Our parents were always grateful that she didn’t care for surfing, saying it was enough to worry about those treacherous waves and me. She was violently whipping around and screaming bloody murder, if I used any force, then I could hurt her, and I definitely didn’t want to do that. Before I gave it any thought, I did the only thing I could think of to shut her up.
I yanked her toward me.
And I kissed her.
He kissed me.
His lips touched mine.
Our mouths became one.
My eyes tightly shut, my heart stopped beating, and all the fight in me was gone. His grip moved from my wrists to my hands. Holding them. It wasn’t one of those movie kisses that we watched on TV, but it was enough to have me paralyzed from the sudden feel of his lips on mine. I had no clue what to do, so I awkwardly froze from the unexpected turn of events in the last few seconds. My mind wasn’t even wandering, it went blank as if my body wanted to live in the moment and be with him. We just stood there, neither one of us moving with our mouths glued to each other. Encased in nothing but bewilderment and something else?
Something I couldn’t put my finger on…
Something that had me weak in the knees and dizzy in the head…
Something I’d never felt before but wanted to hold onto…
We were waiting…
For what?
Who the hell knows.
As if reading my mind he pulled away first, and I quickly followed suit. Our eyes slowly opened at the exact same time and I saw something in his I’d never seen before. They were dilated, and the sapphire blues that I had become so accustomed to and loved throughout the years were gone. They were replaced with two big, black rings that held so much emotion that it was overwhelming, and yet I didn’t know what it meant. But there was also a familiarity that was still present, and it calmed the confusion that was rapidly forming in my mind. That alarmed me more than anything else. It scared me that momentarily I didn’t know the boy standing in front of me.
Still a little part of me, a small part of my heart, it soared for the first time.
I removed one of my hands from his, and lightly touched my lips. I was breathless as I swiped my fingers back and forth on the top and the bottom. They felt so different.
I felt so different.
Why?
He watched my every move with an intense glare that had me gasping for breath while trying to understand what had just happened between us. Unspoken questions ricocheted but stayed unvoiced. His stare so penetrating, so consuming that I couldn’t break it. I couldn’t move my eyes from his. They were glued together just as our lips had just been. With air slowly returning to my lungs, it restored blood flow into my unbelievably fast beating heart that I swear he could hear.
Or maybe it was his that I heard?
I watched him swallow deeply and profusely, and then his lips parted like he tried to catch air that wasn’t circulating fast enough so he needed to open his mouth to breathe. He slowly reached up and touched his own lips, repeating the same gesture he’d seen me do, mimicking me in every way. But right after he removed his fingers he did something completely different, he licked his lips.
I think my heart may have burst. It was now lying on the sand in between us for him to see, secretly hoping it was beside his. Right then and there I knew I wanted that feeling to stay forever. I wanted to bundle up whatever emotion coursed through me, and that stare that was just for me. Bring it home with me, and bottle it up, where I could cherish it and relive it whenever I wanted to. A futile hope, that for just one second I may have had an effect on him and it wasn’t an illusion.
It was real.
For a young girl…
That meant everything.
I was about to be eleven years old in a few days and I had known Lucas all my life, but it was the first time I truly felt something different, something more than just friendship for him, and I knew it was very much mutual. Even though what I felt for him, what we felt for each other, it wouldn’t be defined till a few years later. This is where it all started.
Our first kiss was our beginning and in some ways our end.
This is where our complicated love began.
“Why did you do that?” I whispered, our frenzied gazes still locked.
He shrugged. “Your eyes look funny,” he murmured, confirming my thoughts.
“So do yours,” I breathed out, swallowing the saliva that had pooled in my mouth. “Now what?”
He shrugged again.
Well if he didn’t know what to do and I didn’t know what to do?
Then what?
“Why did you kiss me?” I blurted, needing to know.
“To get you to hush up.”
“Oh.” I lowered my eyes that mirrored his. Maybe I read it all wrong.
I kicked the sand below my feet for a few seconds, neither one of us talking, but his hand grabbed mine with the other one still tightly entwined.
“Alex.”
As soon as I heard my name I raised my eyes to him. He never called me by my name. With our gazes once again connected, his eyes still dark and daunting, but a warm, loving smile now appeared on his face, making my heart skip a beat. He tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear, leaving a deep fluttering feeling in my belly.
“Are you still mad at me?”
I shook my head no, unable to find the words to express what I felt.
“Good,” was all he replied.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you,” I said, changing the subject but not dismissing the emotions that now lay between us.
“I’m sorry that shark hit my board.”
“It’s not your fault.”
He nodded. “You know I would never let anything happen to you.”
I smiled. “I know.”
“You did a really good job, though.”
“Not really,” I chuckled.
“I think you singing Brown Eyed Girl attracted that shark to come see you.”
I slanted my head to the side, my curiosity eating me up. “How do you know that?”
“You’re my brown eyed girl.” He grinned. “Come on, Half-Pint, I’ll walk you back to your house. It’s getting late.”
“Okay.”
He grabbed his board and we walked beside each other, barely talking the entire hike back to my house. He normally waited until I was on my front porch to leave. My house was three stories high and had a wooden deck leading to the front door. I slowly opened the door, but before I stepped into the foyer, I found myself doing something I never had before.
I turned around.
He was still there, watching me.
I shyly smiled and he waved goodbye. I ran up to my room, closing the door behind me, leaning against it. I caressed my lips one last time and then…
I licked them.
The same fluttering feeling I felt that entire afternoon stayed with me for the rest of the night.