Copyright © 2017 by Juliana Conners; All Rights Reserved.

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It's three in the morning and I can't sleep because I'm so horny. I know it's wrong, and bad, and ungodly, and unholy, but I can't help it. I know it's all of this stuff because my father, the pastor of Born Again Baptist Church, tells me that God says it is.

I've always tried my best to be a good pastor's daughter. I was Bible Quiz Champion all through Sunday School. An avid and enthusiastic youth group member throughout middle and high school. And I was even a teen missionary, traveling to El Salvador to help build an orphanage on a work team and then to Uganda on an Africa Choir team.

Following the rules and being a good girl has been driving me insane. I'm nineteen years old and I've never had sex. To be honest, it's not even for lack of trying. I've dated some guys but because they're super religious and/or scared of my father, they haven't wanted to touch me.

Sure, I'm an adult now but I live with my parents who pay for my college tuition. I go to a small Christian school close to my hometown. I'm majoring in business so that I have money of my own and not need to rely on my parents so much.

The business program at my school isn't great. It's mostly for people who want to own Christian bookstores or soup kitchen charities. But it's the best I've got as it's the only place my parents would pay for me to go— they like to keep me under their wing still. 

I'll never be able to leave the nest— or fly the coop— while I still need my parents to pay for everything, so that's why my plan is to be financially stable. Only then can I get away from my parents' crazy rules and my image as the squeaky clean pastor's daughter who boys are afraid to date.

It all started with Kevin Kearns, my first boyfriend, three years ago, when I was sixteen. That was the first time I was allowed to date but it had to be group dates only, and to this day, that's the still the rule that I have to follow. ("As long as you're under my roof, you'll follow my rules," my dad always says.)

We went to a PG movie— the only kind I was allowed to see— and then the ice cream parlor. Kevin held my hand under the table and we played footsies. He kissed me in the parking lot and then went home with his friend Dean while my friend Jane drove me home.

When I got home, my parents were in bed and I was in seventh heaven. I'd had my first date, my first kiss and everything had gone perfectly. I knew my dad would kill me if he found out that Kevin had kissed me, but what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him, right?

I couldn't be more wrong about everything. Of course, my dad knew all back then, just as he always had and always will. Later that night, I got a Facebook message from Kevin.

Kevin: I had a great time with you tonight.

I couldn’t wait to write him back.

Sarah: I had a great time with you too!

Kevin: I loved kissing you, it was so hot.

At this, I'd blushed, but I'd wanted to hear more about how hot he thought I was. I'd certainly thought it was hot when Kevin kissed me as well.

Sarah: Yes.

Kevin: Will you let me touch your boobs?

Woah. It had been a rather blunt question, and it hadn't even sounded like Kevin. Up until that point he'd been a perfect gentleman who had barely even used his tongue when we kissed. I figured he'd gotten braver behind the computer screen. And I liked it.

I felt free, liberated. I'd been thinking about sex, wondering what it was like, how it would feel. I knew I wasn't supposed to have such thoughts but I couldn't seem to stop them.

Finally, I could explore my baser nature with a like-minded individual. Who knew Kevin was secretly as horny as I was? I knew my answer before my fingers typed it out.

Sarah: Yes.

As I wrote it, my palms felt sweaty just above the keyboard. My heart raced as I awaited whatever he was going to say next.

Kevin: What else will you let me do to you?

The answer to that question felt obvious to me as well. I didn't even have to hesitate, even though I knew I should have.

Sarah: Whatever you want.

I waited anxiously for his answer. Would he want to meet up right then? Maybe I could sneak back out. Or would it more of a long and drawn out tease, where we would take things a little further each time after our group dates until we couldn't stand it anymore and finally we would feel as if we would just die if we didn't get into Kevin's car and drive to the area known by everyone in school as Make Out Point?

But no answer from Kevin ever came. Instead, there was a knock on my door.

"Sarah, we need to talk."

It was my father.

Holy crap.