Chapter 2 – Mandy
“Are you insane?” I demanded of Jared. “Do you have any idea how illegal that is?”
“I’m cleaning it up,” he insisted. “You see, it’s the smell that gets people. You have to clean up after you cook.”
“Jared, you’re not thinking straight!” I insisted. “If you’re caught, the cops will take the house! They’ll take everything. Your poor grandma will lose everything she’s helped you out with in life.”
“No, the cops won’t find out,” he assured, unconvincingly. “And if they do, Grandma won’t get caught up in anything. I would just—I would just tell them it was me.”
“We have to throw this stuff away,” I said, determined. “You have to get help. For your own sake, and for the good of our relationship. I can’t stay with you anymore, if you’re…doing meth. And making meth.”
I couldn’t even believe we were having this conversation. It seemed I was in a bad dream. Or an episode of Breaking Bad. I had barely even tried pot. This could not be my life.
Except it was. I had to face it. And change it. Because apparently Jared wasn’t planning to. Suddenly, all the lonely nights made a lot more sense. I hadn’t wanted to admit it, but Jared must have been deep into drugs for far too long. It had finally just spiraled beyond his control, and gotten so bad I had to notice it, even if I hadn’t really been ready to face it.
When I picked up the baking sheet, Jared immediately rose to his feet. His eyes were riveted on it; like Gollum watching the Precious.
“Oh, my God! You’re a meth addict!”
“No-no-no, baby, I just test the product. I’m not a customer.”
As if to prove he didn’t need it, Jared got back down to scrubbing the floor.
“You see, most dealers know not to try it,” he explained. “But I’m not like most dealers. It doesn’t bother me. And if I stay up a few nights, so what? I get so much done!”
“We are through,” I told him, wondering why the hell it took me so long to get to this point. “We are done!”
Jared just laughed. He stopped scrubbing the floor and got to his feet. He shook his skinny finger in my direction.
“You? You’re gonna find another place? Where? When? I’ve been payin’ the bills! How do you think we still have Internet?”
“Sue Ellen, that’s how,” I spat at him. “And that’s why I was looking for a job. So I could support myself and not have to depend on her, or you. How long have you been doing this? How did I not see?”
“A week or two or six,” he said, dismissing my concerns. “You know how it is.”
“No, I don’t know how it is. You can’t do this, Jared! Do you want to get us put in jail?”
“I don’t normally cook here,” he explained. “I got a place out in the woods, but the cops found it. So, I had to come here. Just this one time. To fill my orders.”
“Fill your orders? You moron! That’s where you’ve been escaping to? The woods, to cook? And the cops have already found you…”
“No, no, no,” he sputtered. “They only found the shack. I didn’t leave nothin’ behind they could tie to me.”
“Oh, you’re just so sure!” I said, as sarcastically as possible.
“Uh huh.”
“While you were high on meth, you’re positive the cops didn’t find any fingerprints or hair fibers or any other evidence because you’re just so careful when you’re high!”
Now I was channeling Rebel Wilson. Not that she would ever be dumb enough to shack up with a guy who cooked meth, and take so long to realize it. But if she would ever find herself in that situation, I’m pretty sure this was how she would react.
I was losing it on Jared. He started to shake a little. He looked so frail. I remembered a time when he was thinking of getting a motorcycle. I was worried at first, but then I thought he’d be strong enough to handle a bike, even with me on it. He used to be strong. Strong when he held me.
Now, looking at him, it was like looking at a shadow of his former self. I felt like I could push my hand right through his chest if I had wanted. He had sold the motorcycle, and now I realized it was probably to support his drug habit.
“What has happened to you, Jared? Do you even see yourself?”
“Me?”
“Yes, you. You used to be a proud person. You used to have dignity. A job!”
“Oh, don’t give me that shit about a job, Mandy. They laid me off, and you know that.”
“Yeah, and what did you do? You just sat around the house drinking down your unemployment checks.”
“Hey! I tried to get my job back,” he yelled. “But they said there were cutbacks. That’s just what rich people do! They screw it to people like us.”
“I have a job, Jared,” I reminded him. “At least, if I hurry up and get there for my first day, I do. After weeks and weeks of searching, I have a job. That’s what it takes now. The job market is tough!”
“You gonna throw that in my face now?”
The light went out in Jared’s eyes. I really felt in that moment he was giving up. He couldn’t take that his girlfriend had a job and not him. When he worked, he had been supportive of me. He had even looked over my resume and helped me improve it.
Now, looking at him, I couldn’t even imagine Jared pulling it together for an interview. He was just a mess. Sitting back on the floor, he started scrubbing again, half-heartedly.
“You used to be supportive of me,” he said bitterly. “You used to help me.”
“I can’t support this, Jared,” I sobbed. “This is the dark path. The Abyss! You need rehab.”
“People don’t get clean in rehab,” he scoffed. “It’s just a scam, Man.”
“Are you even listening to yourself? Do you hear how crazy you sound?”
I couldn’t tell if he was serious or if he actually believed that rehab was a scam. I needed to do an intervention on him, but who could I get to do it? He had systematically alienated all his friends this past year. Even the friends that tried to help him get work had given up. It wasn’t going to work anyway unless Jared wanted to get clean.
“You can’t throw that away,” he insisted. “We need the money!”
“I just got a job!”
“Look, forget that,” he suggested, trying to be nice. “Just stay here. Smoke with me. We can do it together.”
“Oh, my God, no!” I shouted. “Why would you drag me down like that? I thought you loved me.”
“Drag you down? See! You do think you’re better than me.”
Jared look so hurt. So betrayed. Despite my better instincts, I tried one more time to save him.
“Jared, you don’t have to live like this,” I pleaded. “You can get clean. With my job, I can pay the bills. You just need to stop now, okay? Can you do that?”
Jared looked back at me, but his eyes were lost. It was like he couldn’t focus. It was as if he’d forgotten who he was. I knew right then and there that I had lost him. He was a drowning man and I couldn’t let him pull me under the riptide with him.
“Just stay with me. Today?” he begged.
I threw the baking sheet into the trash can, but I knew he’d retrieve it.
“Goodbye, Jared. I really am done for good. I’ll be leaving tonight after work.”
“Ha,” he scoffed. “Yeah, right. Where you gonna go without me? Without my grandma’s house to live in?”
“Look who’s concerned about his poor grandma now,” I spat back at him. “And I’ll figure it out. I’m a lot more self sufficient than you think. And, if you cook here again, I’m calling Sue Ellen and the cops.”
I got into my car. It was a cramped Hyundai Accent from 2002. Jared used to fix it up for me, but it had started running rough a year ago. I was driving on borrowed time, or until I could manage to come up with the money to fix it.
In the car, I cried for a bit. Jared and I were over, even if I had to linger here for a few weeks until I managed to find another place to live. I had been talking tough, out of anger, but I had no idea how I could find somewhere to live tonight. Maybe a motel, if I could afford one.
I had been too blind to see that the situation was so dire, and had failed to make adequate plans. But from now on, I was determined to be more prepared. I would look up motels and apartment complexes on my lunch break, and hopefully figure something out.
I took a few sips from my coffee, let the car warm up and fixed my makeup. This job was all I had now, and I had to make it work for me.
“You can do this, you can do this,” I chanted, with renewed vigor, summoning up more courage than I had had in the shower earlier, before my relationship and my life had fallen apart before my very eyes.
But, let’s face it—they had already been falling apart, and this not so small event had just forced me to accept it. In a way, I was glad it had happened, although I sure wish it would have been any other day but today.
I checked my face in the mirror. Despite my anger and sadness, my eyes glistened with determination from underneath my mascara-clad eyelashes. “Okay, Mandy,” I said to myself. “Let’s get to work.”
I drove down the street to my new job and my new destiny. Rebel would’ve been proud.