Teagan

Rain splatters against the window, and my eyes cross while following the path of the angry downpour outside the car. Burke’s incessant tapping barely breaks through my foggy head, and Paisley looks over her shoulder just about every thirty seconds to check on me.

Their worry is an irritation.

The constant questions and pointless chatter lately are a hassle.

The stares and the looks of concern make my skin crawl.

I can’t even stand to lay my eyes on Kai. His sadness and regard open wounds inside me that are already festering. He’s a relic of everything I used to want and everything that will never be. I brought him into that place with me. It was my imagination that interconnected him with the horror I endured, but now, I can’t forget it. Kai and everything I suffered go hand in hand. Even though he was part of my rescue, he’ll always be mixed with my misery. Bringing him into my hell was the only way I could get through it, but in the process, I dirtied our connection, and nothing can right that wrong.

“We’re almost there, Teagan. Are you doing okay?” My strong, feared-by-most brother sounds nothing like the alpha caveman I know him to be. His words come out low and careful. Yeah, Paisley has softened him a bit, but this is definitely about me.

Everything has been about me lately, and I want the focus somewhere else.

Anywhere else.

“I’m fine.” That must be the three thousandth thirty-second time I’ve said those two words, and they aren’t any truer now than they were the first time. The car hits a pothole, and I’m jostled but go right back to looking out the window and attempting to freeze them out. Once we get to the clinic, I’ll be free from the burden of their uneasy temperament and worry.

The clinic. I want to scoff but don’t. It would only draw their attention, which is what I’m trying to avoid. I don’t really know whose idea going to this fucking place was, so I’ve decided they are all to blame. Burke was the one who approached me about it, and Paisley was the one who hammered it home. At first, I told them to go fuck themselves, but after I thought about it, my mind quickly changed. The clinic gets me away from them, and in my mind, their suggestion morphed into the perfect escape.

“This place is really good, Teagan. I read the testimonials. I really think this is exactly what you need.”

Bullshit. Burke doesn’t believe in rehabilitation centers. This is so far outside his realm of methods; it’s almost shocking. Almost because it takes emotions to be shocked, and my emotions died right along with my hopes and dreams. He simply doesn’t know what else to do with me. He and I both know it, but he’s trying to put on a brave face.

I don’t answer.

Crisis mode is over. Our adrenaline has waned. Jacoby, the man who orchestrated my abduction and tried to kill Burke and have Kai imprisoned, is dead. The threat against our family has been extinguished. So, why does it feel like the crisis is only just starting for me now? Everyone has tiptoed around me as I’ve since fallen apart. Nowhere is safe, not even inside my own head.

“Do you want something to eat before we get there?”

A last meal? Paisley isn’t a normal chick. How could she be when she managed to end up with my brother? But, when she asks me if I want to eat, she sounds more like a nagging mother than my badass best friend who burned that farmhouse to the ground.

She should have left me inside.

“I’m not hungry.”

Paisley was the first to notice that my disinterest in life was more than just normal depression, probably because she was the one who covered for me while I skipped my therapy appointments. Burke didn’t want to see it, and Kai only observed from a distance.

I stopped eating. Every day, I stayed in bed a little longer until, eventually, I just stayed in bed. Showers were pointless and a hassle. I couldn’t stomach the sight of myself naked, see the marks that monster left on me. I’d lie under the covers with my eyes closed and relive everything over and over again until I vomited.

Paisley may have cut me loose from my restraints in that farmhouse, but everything that happened before she found me keeps me frozen like I never left. Burke has been unrecognizable since he realized he couldn’t simply fix me. Around me, he’s become this mild-mannered and cautious observer like he’s afraid of every possible wrong turn.

“We’re here.” Burke shuts off the car, and I get out without a word. Rain pelts me in the face, but I don’t even care. Our arrival couldn’t come soon enough. Somewhere deep inside, I love my brother and Paisley, but I’ve been counting down the minutes until I could get away from them. I doubt Burke will give an emotional good-bye, but he might stick around longer than I’d like. He’s never been any good at leaving me on my own, which is something that has only gotten exponentially worse over the last few months.

Front of the building is stark.

White.

The women’s health center is a glaring white. It’s a pearly distortion of reality. With Burke and Paisley hidden behind me, I roll my eyes. There is no way in a million years this place could help me. I’d only dirty the pristine structure with my filth.

“What do you think, Teagan?” Burke’s looming presence saddles up beside me. His dark features are a stark contrast to this clinical prison I’ve been brought to. Paisley hangs back, chewing her nails, seemingly more anxious than I am. Maybe because I know what’s coming, and she doesn’t.

“It looks just like it did in the brochure, Burke.” That isn’t the answer he wants, but he isn’t going to get any excitement from me on this.

“Should we go inside?” Paisley steps forward and takes Burke’s hand. He gives her a nervous glance, and she reassures him with a loving look. It’s all in the eyes. Even from the outside, I can see everything they are to one another. I used to have that—that support. The feeling that maybe you could handle anything so long as that person was standing next to you. Without answering, I take the first steps to go inside, silently wishing they wouldn’t tag along. The longer they stick around, the more time I have to hold back the hopelessness.

Inside, a staff of women goes about their duties. At the front desk, a pleasant woman stands to greet me. She’s a little plump with wispy hair and has a smile that would normally be contagious. However, her calming demeanor has no effect on me. Not much of anything anymore has much effect. The intake woman rattles off a pleasant welcome and explains some details while I fill out the forms for my voluntary stay. I don’t hear a word she says, but Burke and Paisley listen intently. The words on the forms blur together, and even my handwriting looks foreign. Time drags while the process continues, and then it’s time to say good-bye.

Burke looks uncertain, and Paisley seems emotional.

I can’t find it within myself to comfort them. There is nothing comfortable about what I’ve been through or where I’m about to go. I do know that I need them to leave though. Their existence in my world is suffocating.

“Are you going to be okay here?” Burke wraps his arms around my shoulders and cradles me against him. The familiar gesture weakens me, and his woodsy scent makes me nauseous. My brother used to be everything that made me feel safe. Now, he’s just one more hassle in my day. I nod against his chest, hoping that he’ll release me. “I love you, Teagan. Abandoning you here is about the last thing I want to do, but I just want you to get better. I haven’t been able to give you that.”

He can’t. No one can, and he’ll be better off when he realizes that.

His sister is gone.

“I love you, too, Burke.”

I force the words out because I don’t know when he’ll ever hear them again, but I ignore the part about him wanting me to get better. At some point, he’ll understand what this good-bye is really about. I pull back from him and hug Paisley. When our bodies connect, shivers rack me from neck to knees. Paisley and Kai brought Jacoby into our lives, and she sat, unharmed, in the same home where I was used as a toy. It isn’t their fault. I know it and don’t blame them, but they both set off triggers within my soul.

Reminders.

The intake nurse saves me from a drawn-out good-bye when she comes to show me to my room and tells them they are not allowed past the intake area.

There are last-minute hugs. Rushed words. Then, they are gone.

My breathing finally comes a little easier.

Once inside my room, I don’t unpack while I wait for nightfall. The darkness is both my greatest fear and my most protected ally. When the moon hangs high overhead, I open the small window in my room, thankful it isn’t sealed while letting in the sticky, humid air, and climb onto the windowsill and then drop down to the ground.

I escape the place I voluntarily committed myself to only hours ago.

To be fair, I never planned to stay, but leaving through the window is much less of a hassle than a proper outtake.

I’m free from the control that has been present in my life since I was a little girl.

The overwhelming chains from the people who love me are broken.

This clinic won’t make me better. I don’t want to get better.

For the first time in my life, I want to spiral.

There is no bottom I won’t chase.