Teagan

“This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done,” I say while looking around at the colorful crystals that decorate the room.

“Really? With all the choices you’ve made lately, you think this is the one that tops the stupid charts?” Paisley fires back.

“Okay, maybe it doesn’t rank that high, but come on, this is ridiculous.”

“You didn’t like therapy. So, this is just another alternative. Besides, it was a Burke-approved activity to get you out of the house. I’m sure, after two weeks of being cooped up inside, you need to get out of your own head and see some scenery besides your bedroom walls. Stay open, and maybe this will help. If not, at least we’re out of the house, and we can laugh about it later.”

Guided meditation.

Crap or accredited?

I guess we’ll find out.

Paisley and I are waiting for the instructor for our first session. There are yoga mats on the floor, and incense burns in the corner. Crystals flank the walls, and low, soothing music filters through the dimly lit space. The tension in my back stiffens with each minute we wait. The door opens, and I think about sneaking out while our instructor waltzes in. Like a child with my hand caught in the cookie jar, I take my hand off the hippie decorations and slink back to my mat.

“Good morning, girls! I’m Reece,” the woman greets in a serene whisper.

“Good morning! I’m Paisley, and this is Teagan.” Paisley gestures my way.

It’s like she and I have switched personalities. When we met, she was the dark and closed-off one, and I was the chipper and sunshine one. Oh, how the tables have turned. Really, Paisley hasn’t changed as much as I have. She’s just putting on a bubbly persona for my benefit, to try to keep me open to this experience. I’m not thrilled, but I really do need to give it a shot. If I’m going to kick the drugs, then I need to find something that will fill the void. I’m trying to want to clean up for myself, but if I were being honest, right now, I’m probably making an effort for Kai.

Guilt.

It’s powerful. It fuels my cravings for more heroin, the shame for my actions, and my drive to make an effort for the wrong I’ve done onto the people who love me. I need their love because their care is the only thing that might be enough to help me find my own emotions that have been shut off.

How interesting that my decision to jump into the rabbit hole was, in part, made because of my need to escape their help and is currently part of the reason for me to get better.

“Where are our areas of focus today?” Paisley opens her mouth to speak, but I cut her off. Time to step up.

“I’ve been going through a rough time lately and have been using drugs to self-medicate. I’m looking for a healthier outlet. So, we’re here. Paisley is here to support me.”

“Thank you for being open with me, Teagan.” She folds her hands like she’s praying. “Are you comfortable sharing in front of your friend? Because, if you’re willing, we’ll dig really deep in here. This won’t just be a bunch of deep breathing. We’re going to work to get to the root of your troubles.”

“Um, I’d like it if Paisley stayed for at least the first session. Maybe we don’t dig too deep today?” I bob nervously from foot to foot.

“I’m your guide, but you’re always the one in control. During each session, I’ll push, but we can only go as far as your mind and body will allow. It’s important for you to know that you’re the one driving this train.”

I nod cautiously, unsure of what that means or where I’m driving.

“Perfect! Let’s get started then. Please have a seat on your mats.” Reece’s bare feet glide across the floor, moving us along. “Lie back and relax your body, center your core, and clear your mind’s daily organizer.”

Try not to think. Easier said than done, lady. If she’d told me not to feel, I’d be a pro. I follow directions though. There Paisley and I lie … on the floor, in a place that smells like burning flowers, and ready for not much of anything, except maybe a good nap. Low expectations gain plentiful rewards. Or is it low expectations bring satisfaction and not happiness? It’s one or the other.

“During this first session, we’ll simply work on your ability to compartmentalize and take control of your mind. Later, we can get more into the strengthening of your body and soul. Breathe in deep and focus on the chimes of the music. Relax and take count of the form of your body.”

Two arms. One head. Two legs. Yep, my body is still there.

“Breathe out and recognize the work your organs are doing to give you life. Appreciate the miracle that is your existence.”

I think my right foot is falling asleep. Where’s the miracle there?

“Close off your mind to the negativity and doubt.”

Is she a mind reader, too?

“Imagine yourself happy.”

What?

“Picture yourself in the future, getting everything that would make you truly happy. I’m not talking about superficial stuff or material objects. I’m saying, look at your life and imagine ten years from now; picture yourself living your best life where you’re completely at peace.”

Peace. That word again.

Okay, peace.

Heroin. The high. Life off the grid.

That’s Iris.

I need to find peace for Teagan.

Drawing beautiful imagery on people’s skin. Simple, but I love it. My work has always brought order to my life, given me purpose, and made me feel accomplished. I’d definitely still like to be tattooing ten years from now. Really, I’d like to be doing it again now. I haven’t since I ran away, except to score drugs. Getting back to work would probably help with getting my life back in order.

The real dream though, what I see that makes me truly happy, would be a family.

Ten years from now, I’d love to have children running around the house and climbing on their uncle Burke and filling my home with pure innocence and authentic gratification.

The person I always saw having this dream with was Kai. Even though I’ve been having trouble separating him from the nightmares, I can’t imagine anyone ever standing in his place. I just need to figure out if I can see him next to me in the fantasy again.

No one would take care of my family or love me like he could, like he does.

“Have you found your place? Are you imagining exactly where you’d like your life to go?” She continues guiding out the meditation session with a soothing voice.

Three kids, two little boys and an adorable girl, each with the most beautiful green eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re horseplaying with Burke while Paisley sits next to me, beaming while she watches her man get tackled by toddlers. It’s always been the dream, and even through the haze of my recent drug abuse, my want for that life is still there.

I can see it, and I recognize those green eyes.

“Feel your smile. The way the muscles in your face change as your expression morphs with your imagery. Hold on to those emotions and bring them to your here and now.”

She’s right; without noticing, the visualization has brought out a full-on beam.

“Life may not look exactly as it does in your head ten years from now, but it’s you who has the power to make things happen in your life. If you want something, then reach out and grab it. Take life and live it for you; live it in a way that will bring you the warmth you feel right now. Don’t just imagine it. Do it. Bring your dreams to fruition.”

Is it really that simple?

She makes it sound like it is, but I don’t know.

Maybe if I got out of my own damn way.

The session continues with a lot less spoken words, and tranquil chimes are introduced. The sounds that fill the room help alleviate my mind from the worry I’ve been carrying around with me, and for the rest of my time on the floor, I simply just relax.

It feels good.

Life has been so full of traumatic tribulations and burdensome effects lately that it’s nice to just exist in a realm of calm. The drugs were numbing, but this is more like a pause. I’m still present but getting a much-needed break.

When it’s over, Paisley takes me to a place around the corner for lunch. Once our orders are in and we’re waiting for the food, I realize how long it’s been since I sat in a restaurant. Normal. I guess this is what getting back to normal looks like.

“So, what did you think?” she asks after releasing her straw from between her lips. “And the real version of your thoughts, not what you think I want to hear.”

“I liked it, honestly. It was an energy refuel after everything that’s been going on. Full disclosure though: I am nervous that she said it was just an ease into what the sessions are really like. I don’t love opening up to strangers, and I’m still not sure if that’s what is expected of me.”

“Are you willing to go back?”

“Yes.” It’s a truthful answer. “At least until I discover what it’s all about.”

Relief floods her.

“I just appreciate that you’re willing. We’ll cross the bridge of whether it’s right for you if we get there.” She nods with acceptance as our food lands on the table.

“I want to get better, Paisley. I want the bleakness inside me to disappear. Some days, it just seems like an impossible feat. Today, it feels more manageable. So, thank you.”

“No thanks are needed.” She digs into her lunch.

“No, really, just take my appreciation. I’m grateful you came today and that you’ve even stuck around in general. Thank you. After all the negativity I’ve brought on everyone lately, please let me give my gratitude.”

“I’ll take it, but know that I’ll be here for good or bad. We’re family, and I love you.”

“I love you, too, Paisley.”

A little bit of the old me resurfaces, and it feels good.

I do love Paisley, and I’ve always known that, but my heart is finally allowing me to let that emotion back in. It feels like progress.

If I could learn to love myself again, I’d have a lot more room for all the people in my life that have stuck by me.

Love is tricky. Especially when you have to look at the person inside.