Teagan

Two Years and Eight Months Ago

I’ve lost him.

I’ve lost him, and there is no one to blame but myself. I had everything I ever wanted. The man that made me blush and giggle when I was younger, the one who was off-limits and miles and miles out of my league—Kai Grant. For a little while, he was mine. He opened his eyes. He saw me. He wanted me in a way that felt like it rivaled even the way I wanted him. I had it all. I had him.

Until I didn’t. Until I threw it all away. Until I fucked up in epic proportions.

And, now, he’s gone. I see that clearer than ever.

With my eyes closed tight, I whisper, “Please, don’t.”

The giggling from the kitchen grows louder, but the deep, sultry, baritone voice that I know so well goes mute. I hold my breath, knowing that my strangled plea was heard despite my low tone. With a shaky grip, I pull the blanket higher up my body, my emotions rending me in two.

Don’t let him see you sweat.

Throw caution to the wind!

Keep your cool, Teagan.

Pull him down onto this couch with you and tell him you’re sorry!

He can’t know how much you’re hurting. He can’t see your regret.

Tell him you’re ready to go to Burke. Tell him!

But I’m not, and I don’t think I ever will be. Burke has always made his decisions based on my best interest. He would never understand this, and I can’t be the person who comes between Kai and Burke. I can’t let Burke’s refusal to accept come between me and Burke. What would I do? If forced to pick a side, am I supposed to forget everything Burke has ever done for me and choose Kai? No. I’ve already turned in circles inside my head, going over all this shit. There is no compromise. That’s why we’re here.

An impasse. An exasperating stalemate where no one gets what they want.

“I didn’t know you were here. You’re supposed to be at the shop.” Kai leans over the couch, looking down at me. He remains stoic, but there is a tiny wrinkle of shame around his eyes. Only someone who knows him so intimately would be able to spot it, someone like me, not that bimbo in the kitchen.

“Sick day.” I cough into my hand. “Wasn’t feeling so well this morning.” And, now, I feel even worse. Does he do this often? Bring girls here when I’m at work.

He brings the back of his hand to my forehead, but I pull away.

The flare of his nostrils and the tic of his jaw are unmistakable.

Frustration and anger—that’s about all I’ve felt from him for the last few months.

“Right, well, don’t let us disturb you. You need your rest. I’ll just take Jill upstairs.” His words are harsh, like a carefully doled out punishment.

Please don’t.

I want to scream it, but I can’t. I have no right.

He hesitates, looking me over, but when I say nothing, he leaves.

He leaves with her, with Jill, and takes her up to his room.

I pull the blanket over my head and shrivel into a ball, shaking, partly from the fever and partly from the jealousy. Has he been with anyone since me, or is she the first? Oh, whom am I kidding? Kai fucked like it was a sport before me. He twisted me like a pretzel, sometimes multiple times a day when he had me. So, I’m sure he’s gone back to his old ways. Jill is probably the latest on a long list since me.

A door on the floor above slams shut, and my mind runs with salacious images.

Grief and loss suffocate me. My heart sinks from my chest and beats against my gut. Through my closed eyes, the tears begin to rush down my cheeks. My gasping breath runs short and heavy. Every muscle in my body aches, and each joint feels like fragile glass, ready to be snapped. The heartbreak, the one I created and the one I chose, is all-consuming.

With a fuzzy brain from the head cold, I rise from the couch more than a little light-headed. My feet drag like lead despite my best efforts to move faster, and my knees wobble. Every step I take away from Kai stabs me in the chest. Which is funny because the close proximity to him with another woman was doing the same thing. A pulsing pain resonates through my left palm and up my arm as I push against the front door to escape this house. In a way that doesn’t display manners or etiquette in any way shape or form, I sneeze, and bitterness smears across my face, mixed with warm, drippy snot.

Drip. Drop. Splish. Splash. BOOM. CRACK.

What I thought was a light rain is really a complete downpour with roaring thunder and lightning from the depths of hell to accompany the storm. My hair sticks to my neck in wet tangles, and my skimpy loungewear becomes heavy and saggy. The colossal amount of pathetic wreckage on this front yard is staggering.

One foot in front of the other. It’s that easy. Until it isn’t.

My back leg tangles with my front, and my big toe jams on something right before my knees hit the dirt. Sick, wet, and in the middle of an emotional tailspin, I let my open palms slam against the ground again and again. So, now, let’s add ass covered in mud to the damages of the day.

I ruined this with my stubbornness and fear. Somehow, that doesn’t make it any easier.

The only man I’ll ever love is gone.

Kai is gone.