Teagan

My eyes open. The soft pillowcase suddenly feels scratchy against my face, and my hands shake with adrenaline. Goose bumps rise against my warm skin. An eerie sensation of being watched consumes me. My chin lifts from my chest, and my sight glances toward my open door.

Tall and powerful. Dark and shattered. Handsome and frightening.

Kai Grant stands in my doorway, looking at me with a crippling stare.

He moves forward and crawls into bed with me. His hands graze my flesh as his arms envelop my body, and his scent crowds me. We haven’t touched like this in what feels like forever. My emotions battle against his comforting presence, and I tense.

“Please, Teagan. Don’t pull away. I need you for a little while.” His voice is muffled because his lips are pressed against the top of my head, but it’s clear he’s in pain.

Without another thought, I give him what he needs.

My body molds to his, and we fit as perfectly as we did years before.

I know the men in this house, and I know them well. I only need one guess to know what Kai was up to today and that it had everything to do with that package that was delivered.

“Did you kill him?” My tone wavers with my indecision. I hate the idea of Kai taking anyone’s life for me, but then I remember the taste of blood in my throat as Smith kicked me without reserve, and I wouldn’t be bereaved if his life was over.

“Not yet,” he grunts the words and pulls me closer, his fingers clutching me tightly.

I close my eyes and let myself imagine that life turned out differently. I was never taken to the farmhouse, and Kai and I never went our separate ways. My hand snakes up under his shirt so that I can touch his chest and feel his heart as I imagine we’re simply two people in love with uncomplicated lives. The erratic beat within his chest matches my pulse.

“What happened?” My fingers trace the curves of his muscles.

His words are barely a whisper. “I saw a glimpse into your pain.”

Breaking our physical connection only slightly, I move so that my head is no longer tucked beneath his chin. My free hand moves to his jaw, and I line his eyes up to mine.

“What does that mean, Kai? You’re scaring me.”

“Sometimes, when you push me away so hard and I’m trying to honor what you want, I forget how badly I need you. In doing what’s best for you, I push down the truth that you’re what’s best for me. Today was a reminder that, despite my trying to give you what you want, I’ll always need you. So, I just need to pretend for a little while that everything isn’t all fucked up. Just let me pretend.”

His emerald-colored eyes pierce through me and paralyze me with emotion.

For once, I don’t see Jacoby when I look at him.

“I’m not what’s best for you. Maybe I was at one time, but I’m not anymore.” Kai never felt he was right or good enough for me, and he was always wrong, but now, it’s me who isn’t good enough for him. He’s too good to be with a person who has done the things I have.

“You’ll always be what’s best for me, Teagan. You are my vengeance.” I’m more than familiar with his mom’s ideas about the good in life being vengeance against the bad, but this is the first time he’s ever said those words aloud to me. “But, somehow, I turned into your detriment.”

“That isn’t true.” I mean it even though I’ve done nothing but lead him to believe he was connected to anything and everything that has caused me pain. The truth is that it was him and our memories that were my anchor for survival. Without them, I would never have been able to hang on through the shitstorm that has been the last year. I’ve just had trouble untangling the good memories from the bad lately. Or maybe the bad are just too all-consuming and have had me acting more than a little selfish. I can see now how badly I’ve hurt him, and I never wanted that.

“Maybe things would have been different if I had fought harder after my ultimatum to you. I could have pushed you or stuck it out until you were ready to tell Burke. I shouldn’t have given up so easily.”

My legs tangle with his, and his hands lace against the small of my back.

“The ultimatum sucked, but you’re wrong. I would have resented you if you had forced my hand in telling my brother. You were right not to push it.”

“This is a conversation we should have had years ago that we ignored. I wish we hadn’t swept it under the rug. You’re worth so much more than unspoken sentiments or emotions brushed off to the side for too long.”

“I was young, Kai, and I was scared—”

“No, let me finish. I knew from the first night you were in my bed that I wanted you forever and not because of the sex, but because you were my best friend. I held you in my arms, and everything clicked perfectly. No one would ever fit beside me like you did. But I let everything slip between my fingers. I let you fade away from that spot beside me. I never fought for you the way I should have, and it’s one of my biggest regrets.”

Tears roll from my eyes, and Kai smooths his palms over my cheeks.

Our disconnection breaks my heart. I do believe we were meant to be. It’s just that I’m not sure I can ever get back to that space.

“Please don’t blame yourself, Kai. There’s so much more to the story than just that simple retelling. We both made choices, and I always loved that you allowed me mine. Things have gotten complicated in our lives, but you’ve always supported what I wanted.”

“I just wish you had wanted me and that our choices had led us to each other.”

His eyes stray from mine, so I pull him back to face me as well as my truth.

“It was never a matter of wanting you. I longed for you way before it was even appropriate. I think I just needed some time to grow up, and then I was growing up way too fast.”

“It’s probably not right to say, but I think I wanted you long before it was appropriate, too, which isn’t something I’ll expand on. It’s just another reason you’re better off without me.”

It’s hard to hear him be so negative about himself.

I did that to him.

Our bodies cling to each other. His nose tickles against mine. Our touches are desperate, and our glances brim with emotions. My lips brush his tentatively, and my tears wet our connection as his hands gently twist into my hair. I release a sob into his mouth, and Kai deepens our kiss. My hands lock around his neck while his tongue soothes my aches. A kiss from Kai Grant is like heaven falling into hell and mixing dark with light. He’s the best of everything from both realms, and after everything, all the drama and stress, it feels damn good to just simply be in his embrace.

Tomorrow probably won’t bring more kisses, but for now, this is just right.

Also, I don’t miss that he never actually told me what happened today, but for the first time in a long time, the monsters of my past aren’t interrupting my time with him. Right now, he’s a man who needs me, and I’m the girl he loves. No ghosts and no resentments. Only two people who care more about the other than anything else. I’m a woman who hasn’t been raped, which means I never turned to heroin and haven’t been constantly disappointing my family since. It means I’m not the girl who sold herself for drugs. When I look at Kai, the monsters aren’t there, growling back at me.

With his lips on mine, I pretend, for just a little while, that all of that’s true.