Teagan

My eyes fog up as the tears of humiliation race down my face.

Is that really me?

My stomach rolls, and the meatloaf dinner I made for Kai threatens to come back up.

That girl looks helpless and weak.

A weight settles over me, and my limbs are too heavy to move.

As much as I pretended Iris and Teagan were two separate people, that isn’t the truth. The choices I made were my own. There isn’t an alter ego to blame. I fucked up, and the woman in this video with the multiple men passing her around is me. I fucked them to fuel my habit. As sick as it is, watching this video, the realization, all of it makes me desperate to use.

Heroin. Heroin. Heroin.

The drug screams my name and seduces me to indulge in a taste.

My body aches for the high.

Slut. Whore. Junkie Bitch.

That’s what they’ll say. That’s what everyone will say when they see this video.

The track marks on my arms are highly visible. The trashy clothes look too sleazy for even a cheap porn star. They took me raw and rough, and I responded like a blow-up doll, limp and motionless on the floor. Prostitutes and porn stars put on a show, they’re working a job, but me? It was like I was an inanimate object with holes for their pleasure.

Lifeless. Vacant. Dead.

Strung out and desperate.

My hollow whimpers ring in my ears until sound ceases, and it’s as if I go deaf.

The floor creaks at that warped spot in the stairs, and I wipe my eyes. Heavy, slow steps trek in the direction of my room, and I close the computer and stash it beneath my bed like it’s my deepest, darkest secret. My fingers smooth through my hair, and after closing my eyes tight, I take a deep breath. I startle as the world’s loudest hiccup jumps from my throat and then another.

Hiccup.

Annoyance colors my face red.

Hiccup.

I hold my breath but …

Hiccup.

Fuck.

Anxiety twists around my spine, and distemper heats my ears. Knuckles tap against my bedroom door. I don’t move to get up and let the world into my space, and I don’t voice an invitation to come in, but I know that this won’t stop the person on the other side of the door. Everyone in this house is way too intrusive, especially on emotionally draining days like today. Yet they don’t know the half of it.

All that money, and it was for nothing.

There’s a slight rattle as the doorknob twists.

With his bright green eyes, he takes one look at me and closes the distance between us. “What’s wrong? What is it?” Kai doesn’t hesitate to lie beside me and take me into his arms. The evidence rests on that fucking computer.

“How is it you can read me so well?” My voice breaks, and my throat is dry and raw.

“Because I’ve known you your whole life. Because I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of time studying you, your habits, your features, and everything about you, really. Because I love you.” He takes my shaky hand between his warm, strong ones. The world could be breaking apart and falling piece by piece around me, and somehow, his touch would reassure me. I lean my head on his shoulder and let his existence calm me.

“It’s out. The video is online.” He’s already seen it, but I still hate ever talking to him about it. Especially after what I just saw. I don’t know how he can even look at me.

I expect a reaction, a big one.

Explosive alpha-aggression bombs detonated. Over-reactive verbal missiles fired off. Popping veins and pulled eyebrows. Deep rumbles of threats and violence. Muscles being strained as he flies off the handle and out of control.

But none of that happens. Not even a little.

Instead, he wraps his body around mine and whispers, “I’m sorry.” Those two words are full of sorrow and regret as he looks down at me like my disappointment is his only concern. “I can’t scrub this from the internet, but I can promise you that we have a plan in place.”

Strangers will see me at my lowest and get off on it. People around town will recognize me as the junkie with easily spread legs. And, while that fucking sucks, it sucks a little less, knowing Kai’s only worry is about my pain. My whole life, he’s been my ideal, and through my darkness, I forgot that, but he never did. He’s my rock, even when I’ve used him to skip stones into the bleak waters of self-destruction.

“I love you.” I can’t even count the number of times we’ve told each other we loved one another. “I’m deeply in love with you and everything that you are. You both challenge and complete me. You’re patient yet fierce. You’re the only man I’ve ever felt I could be entirely myself with. I love you. I love you in the kind of way that makes my head dizzy and heart erratic. I’m in love with you.”

My bottom lip trembles with nerves, and his eyes lock on the slight wobble.

Do it.

My lips part, and my chest rises quickly and falls hard.

Do it.

His intense eyes set me on fire and soak me between my legs.

Do it.

Please just kiss me already! He leans down so fucking slowly; I want to cry in impatience. The closer he gets, the more it seems like it’ll be forever until his mouth tastes mine. His lips, so full, have my complete focus. I waited years to kiss this man and then squandered too much time after. As unrealistic as it is, I never want Kai to release his hold on me again. His thumb grazes the corner of my lips. Do it! A growl-like sound snarls from deep within him. Do it. Kiss me, damn it. Kiss me!

Finally. At last. After too long. Forever.

Never before have I been kissed so ravenously. Kai pushes down on my shoulders as he climbs on top of me. His lower half drags across mine, and a gasp sneaks out. Every bit of frustration and anger and each ounce of love fuels our hurried pace. His lips move against mine, and it’s as if I’m finally home, better than falling into bed after a hard day and snuggling into warm, soft sheets. Our touches grow hotter. His tongue needs no invitation, and our mouths move together with carnal passion.

His kiss, the way he touches me, his soul, all of it hits me straight in the heart.

“I love you too, Teagan.” The confirmation sounds like a command as his hands roam up my stomach. A promise. His decree. My shirt rises with the pull from his fingers, and my hips lift, arching my body into his, needing to be closer, begging to be his. His callous fingers tickle my flesh. There is nothing like being touched by strong, masculine hands. My shorts are torn from my hips, and before I can push out a breath, he tears my panties in one quick motion.

“Kai.” His name from my lips is a not-so-subtle plea.

I’m begging for it all, for him, and for the feel of his cock inside me.

In hurried motions, I pull his clothes off as he helps me in the process. As his flesh is revealed to me, it’s like no time has gone by at all, and I remember every inch of his body. His lips kiss my neck while the drag of his teeth sets me on fire. My hands grip his broad arms, and I gear up for my favorite ride. He cups me between my legs. I push up into his palm, shamelessly rubbing against him. Kai stalks down my body, his head dipping lower, and his mouth lazily trails my skin as he spreads my legs wide with both his hands. He groans as his face nears my pussy, causing me to tremble with anticipation. My legs hook around his shoulders, and I lock my feet, ankle over ankle.

“You smell so good when you get wet for me, baby.”

My head launches back after he opens his mouth and covers my pussy. He hums while he sucks and groans as he licks. His nose digs into my skin, and he holds nothing back. My hips lift as he grabs my ass and holds me to him. Without warning, Kai flips me onto my stomach and doesn’t miss a beat after I hit the mattress before returning his lips to my clit. My ass sits up high in the air, and his hands spread me completely open to him.

“I fucking love your sweet cunt in my mouth, Teagan.”

He shifts us again—this time, diving between my legs on his back. With urgency, he yanks on my hips and pulls me back to him, so I’m sitting on his face. His eyes stare up at me with so much hunger. My hands slide to the back of his head, and I grind my hips. His tongue moves with me as I fuck his face. I cry out in intense pleasure as I convulse, the sensations overwhelming. I fight to hold eye contact with him as my knees simultaneously lock and shake. The way he looks at me is intoxicating. His green eyes deepen, growing animalistic, and the affection beaming from within this badass alpha—the only person I’ve ever truly cared about—is enough to make me shiver with pleasure.

My palms fall flat on the mattress.

“Kai!”

The swivel of my hips becomes erratic.

“Don’t stop! Please, don’t stop!”

His fingers dig into my thighs.

That dizzy feeling when you come hard hits me tenfold. My arched back slackens lazily, and tingles multiply from my over-stimulated pussy. I stare down at the man beneath me as my lungs struggle to remember how to work. He keeps his flattened tongue pressed hard against my clit. Once again, under his hands, my body rolls until I’m flat on my back, increasing the post-orgasm dizziness swimming inside my head.

“I need to be inside you.” His fingers tangle in my hair.

Need. Need. Need.

He doesn’t want me. I’m not convenient. He needs me.

“I need you inside me.” I return my own voice of need.

Gently, he kisses me, but in a moment, his momentum changes.

He stiffens and hesitates.

“What is it?” I ask.

“I don’t have a condom, babe.” Never before have I been so relieved to hear those words. Well, as long as I can get Kai on the same page.

“You don’t need one.” My nails drag down his back, softly and slowly.

He gives me a wicked little smirk. “Oh, you have one?”

“No,” I stutter. “That isn’t what I meant.”

His eyes flash with … understanding … with desire.

“I went and got tested a few weeks ago and got back on birth control. I don’t want anything between us while you’re inside me.” If I’m being completely honest—and I hate that I’m thinking about anyone else besides Kai right now, but my desire does have a bit of an ulterior motive—no one, not ever, never even Kai, had been inside me without a condom. Until I got sloppy. Until I got lost. Until I let junkies trade me for heroin. Those men, Smith and his goons, are the only ones to have ever been inside me raw. One of the most intimate things I could ever do with someone, and I threw it away for drugs and a lack of self-esteem.

I want Kai to erase that, to dissolve the imprint of their memory, to cleanse the filth.

“I need to feel you, Kai. I need you without the condom,” I tell him with maybe more than a slight beg to my tone. He doesn’t move or speak. His hands don’t seek me out. I close my eyes, attempting to hide the hurt because the rejection immediately stings. My chin lowers to my chest, and an ache swallows my heart. What was I thinking? Of course, he wouldn’t want to be that intimate with a girl who chucked away her decency. “Sorry, it was a stupid idea. Just forget about it. I wasn’t thinking straight.”

Kai stands from the bed, leaving me feeling rejected, and I fight back tears.

“You have it so wrong, Teagan.” Kai pulls me by my ankles and cradles my legs against his chest. A few pathetic, wet tears leak out as I look up at him. With tenderness, his lips kiss the inside of my ankle, and his hands caress the backs of my thighs. “I want you so bad. I want to be inside your pussy without anything, except you and me. The thought alone makes me fucking nuts.”

His raging cock rubs against the backs of my legs, proving his point.

“But you didn’t seem into the idea. I mean, I understand if …”

Doubt. Crippling self-doubt.

“Teagan Hensley, I am more than into it. I want you so bad without a fucking barrier. You have no idea how much that idea drives me fucking insane.”

“But?” There was a hesitation. I saw it in him.

“But you’ve been through a lot. It’s been a really fucking shitty day before now. It’s been so long since we’ve been with one another. I just didn’t want you to make that decision in haste. I didn’t want your reasoning to be a rash, in-the-moment thing. I want you to really want it. Because, fuck, baby, I want it so bad.”

His harsh breaths blow the stray hairs from my eyes as he studies my face intently.

Not in haste and nothing rash. I want it because I love him. With all of me.

“Fuck me, Kai. Fuck me exactly how I asked you to. It’s everything I want.” With affection in my touch, I pull him closer so that our bodies mold and his lips hover mine. “You’re everything I want.”

His cock teases my wet pussy. Our hips grind salaciously. My hands run across his chest as I spread my legs for his access as he lines himself up to enter me.

He pushes in. Unhurried. I am stretched until completely full.

Never before have I seen him so vulnerable. Never before have I been so connected to another person. The moan that rockets from my mouth releases years’ worth of pent-up yearning. How could I have ever pushed this man away when all he’s ever wanted is to be with me? Tears build in my eyes when he lets out a guttural groan, and when he rolls his hips, I let them fall.

He stills. “Am I hurting you?” Panic traces the worry on his face.

“No, not at all … you’re making it all better. You’re helping me heal. Please don’t stop, Kai. Please don’t stop.” My hips eagerly thrust upward, and he again meets my pace.

This. This is my favorite way to get lost.

Piece by piece. Bit by bit. With my self-work and Kai’s love, I finally feel like I’m on my way to whole again, back to Teagan Hensley. Not the old person I used to be, but a new and more-in-love version.