Teagan

My eyelids stick together as I fight to open them, and it feels like a thousand wasps are stinging my brain. When I move my hand, I quickly find my reach is limited. Feeling stiff, I pry my eyes open and find Paisley almost nose-to-nose, staring at me. Blinking a few times, I attempt to regain my bearings and remember what the hell happened.

“Water,” I croak.

Paisley scurries to get it for me from my nightstand and then holds the straw to my lips.

“How long have you been on babysitting duty?” I push the water away.

“I’m not babysitting. I’ve been waiting for my friend to rejoin us.”

“Well, keep waiting because that girl is gone. I’m the new and severely worsened version of the girl your friend used to be.”

My brother has been hard at work. A full hospital room has been set up in my bedroom. An IV is stuck into my arm, and there are some other monitors connected to me and hooked up to a machine.

A foul stench stings me in the eyes as I adjust the blankets covering me.

“Fuck, I stink,” I admit, covering my nose.

“Trust me; I know. It hasn’t been the most pleasant bedside visit for me either.”

Let’s get this over with.

“Just say what you want to, Paisley. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter anymore. I can hear you biting your tongue in every single one of your clipped words.”

“You’re being selfish. You’ve been through a lot lately, and everyone has given you more than a few passes because of it, but things are getting ridiculous. The way we’re overlooking your behavior isn’t helping you. You need a kick in the ass.”

“You don’t know shit about what I’ve been through.”

“You’re right; I don’t. Did you hear me say in any part of what I just said that I did? Your brother has done a lot for you. So has Kai. They both love you more than they love themselves. The things you said to both of them were beyond cruel, and I know the way Kai found you shook him to his core. You’ve been through a lot, but that doesn’t give you the right to put them both through hell. So, if they aren’t going to tell you off, I will.”

“I don’t need this.” My frustration skyrockets as I pull the sticky things hooked up to the machine from my skin.

Paisley stands and clears my way to the door.

“You do need this. You need to hear the truth, and the truth is, you’re being fucking selfish. I love you, but you’re hurting the other people I love, and in my life, love doesn’t come around very often. You, Kai, and Burke showed me what love is. And, right now, you’re acting like a spoiled princess, and someone needs to tell you that before you bring everyone else down with you.”

I wiggle the IV in my arm and assess the damage ripping it out will do.

“Good. Then, I’ll leave, and this time, you should tell them not to come looking for a girl who obviously doesn’t want to be found. Everyone will be better off.”

“You want to go? I’m not going to stop you, but you’re dumber than you’re acting if you think you won’t have to go through those two men in order to get out the front door.”

Pissed at knowing she’s right, I tear the IV from my skin without another thought. A throbbing sting travels up my arm, but I’m already sitting up in the bed, ready to sprint.

“You don’t understand. None of you do. I can’t stay here, and I can’t stay sober. I don’t care what I need to do, but I’m leaving.”

Paisley makes no move to stop me as I push from the bed.

“And go where? Are you going to go back to whatever hole Kai just rescued you from? Are you going to go back to the man or men who have you crying out in your sleep? Are you going to put yourself back in a situation to be taken advantage of, Teagan?”

“I haven’t been taken advantage of, you fucking know-it-all. Everything I’ve done was what I wanted to do in order to cut my life off from you people. I’d rather be a whore, fucking for drugs, than be suffocated!”

My breath cuts out, and I have to hold myself up with my hands on the mattress.

“You’re good with the choices you’ve made?” Sarcasm spews from her mouth.

“That’s what I said, isn’t it?”

“That’s bullshit!” She shakes her head, clearly judging my every word.

“Whatever, Paisley.”

“Do you know why I’m the one sitting at your bedside and Burke and Kai aren’t?”

“Because they’re building a bubble inside a cage inside a vault for me to live in?”

Two can play the sarcasm game.

Paisley’s stiff and pinched face tells me she’d really like to hit me.

“Because, the entire time you’ve been unconscious, you’ve been having night terrors, and neither man can bear to hear the words you’re mumbling in your sleep. Since you’ve been home, you’ve cried and begged for help and shrieked in fear from whatever you see once you close your eyes. That doesn’t sound like someone who wants to go back to wherever you were, whatever you were doing, or whatever was being done to you.”

The emotions that swarm me almost knock me off my feet. I’ll chalk the quick flip-flop from pissed to on the verge of tears to the lack of drugs quieting the monsters inside me. The carpet doesn’t cushion my fall as I drop to my knees. With open palms, my hands slam against the floor.

“What am I doing?” A sob pours from me. “Everything is such a mess, Paisley.”

She drops to the floor with me and wraps her arms around me. It’s the first time I’ve felt safe since masked men invaded my home.

“We’ll fix it. We can get through this together. We’re here for you, Teagan.”

“The drugs.” I pause, nervous to admit how far I’ve sunk. “I need them.”

“You don’t. They’re only making things worse, my friend.” Her bitter tone is completely gone, and she’s nothing but tender as she holds me.

“You don’t understand,” I insist. Because she doesn’t. She couldn’t.

“Help me understand. Explain it to me.”

I wipe the snot running from my nose onto my arms, unable at this current time to care about manners or even simple regard for my self-preservation. Modesty and pride aren’t virtues I’ve really been worried about lately.

“Before I left, everything was a chore. Breathing was a burden. Getting out of bed was a strain on my body and mind. I’d wake up, and heavy anxiety and depression would just swallow me whole. It was a battle to decide if the day was even worth it.”

She strokes my hair and doesn’t say a word. Maybe she can understand pieces of what I’m saying, or maybe she can’t, but somehow, she knows what I really need is someone to just listen.

“Maybe I was paranoid or self-conscious, but having to interact with people when I felt like this made things even worse. Every interaction felt judged. Every look my way felt like pity. My existence became an encumbrance to myself. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Really, all these things are still true, especially now while I’m in withdrawal.”

“Teagan—”

“No. Don’t. I know you want to disagree with me and tell me that you all love me and that you want to be there for me. I get that, and somewhere deep down, I probably believe it, but I’m telling you how I felt—how I still feel. My internal thoughts were screaming at me that everyone would be better off without me. That the rest of my life would be draining for me and for everyone around me.”

“I’ll only say I love you then in response to how you felt,” she says.

“I love you, too. I do. But … I love the heroin, too. It washed away everything I’ve just told you, every negative thought and depressing mentality. Finally, after months of pain, I found relief. Where I came from, where Kai found me, wasn’t a good healthy place, and the people weren’t good people, but it’s where I found the silence from the agony. I can’t go back to the way I was living before I left. I won’t make it through.”

“Can I chime in now?” she asks hesitantly, but compassion fills her tone.

I nod.

“I’m not going to say I get it—that isn’t what you need or want to hear—but you didn’t find a cure. You found a Band-Aid. All the stuff you haven’t dealt with is still there. The longer you hide from it, the worse it will get. You realize that, right?”

I don’t answer because the tiny slice of logical that is left within me says she’s right.

Her hands shake, and her eyes water. I can’t say that I’m not an emotional mess during my own confessions as well. All of this crap and honesty is a lot for both of us. Everything I’ve admitted was easier to say to Paisley than it would have been to say to Burke or Kai though.

“Kai got you methadone to help with the withdrawal. Stay. Let us help. We’ll do whatever we can, but we’ll need some effort from you, too. Give us thirty days, and then we’ll talk again, reassess. Just promise you won’t disappear and that, if you can’t open up like this to Burke or Kai, you’ll at least be honest with me. Give us a chance to help you without the running or the drugs.”

I can still taste the heroin. The methadone won’t do anything to quench my thirst for shooting up. Right now, I want to pull every trick in the book to get one over on Paisley and escape to go score. My veins ache, and my head is rioting with hunger for a fix. At the same time, I’m tired.

Tired of fighting, of being dirty, of the things I’ve had to do. I’m tired of maintaining what it means to be a junkie, and I’m tired of hurting my family.

I’m just tired.

“Thirty days? What happens after thirty days? You’ll just let me leave?”

“We’ll talk. After thirty days, we’ll talk. You’ll tell me if things are getting better or worse. We’ll talk about you leaving if that’s still what you really want to do, but, Teagan, you know better than I do that those men down there will never let you leave without a fight. I’m asking for at least a thirty-day cease-fire. Can you do that?”

“I can try, but really, I don’t know. Through this whole conversation, I’ve been contemplating different escape routes. Heroin and getting out of here haven’t completely left my thoughts since I woke up. I’m not sure I can resist it.”

“But you’ll try, and you’ll promise me honesty for thirty days?”

The amount of time I’m silent has the air between us growing tense, but I genuinely contemplate her offer. Paisley sits patiently and waits for me to come to my own conclusion.

“I promise,” I finally tell her.

But, as soon as the vow leaves my lips, I’m already wondering if I can hold up my end of the bargain. Part of me hopes so, but the other part of me knows I’m a broken and lost cause. Maybe they just need to put in a little more fight before the war is lost, and when they give up, I’ll be able to live out my doomed existence without the guilt.