NICHOLAI
As I close the door to the bedroom, leaving Natasha alone as she requested, I get the distinct impression she has many things haunting her right now. I don’t like it and I don’t like how I am handling any of this.
When her father told me about her past, I was shocked. I know I shouldn’t have been. It was me who knew she had something hidden inside of her after all. But hearing it out loud that she purposely seduced a married man, ending his marriage and family as well as getting his ass royally kicked by her father, well that left a mark on my soul.
She is not the sweet and nearly innocent women I thought she was. And why that’s bothering me so much is a complete mystery. I am by far no innocent. But I am not hiding anything either.
I play with the box in my pocket that holds the engagement ring I meant to give her today and have to hold back. It’s not the right time. Things are up in the air. Her spirit is weak as is her handle on life right now.
Making my way to the elevator to have the ring placed in a safe deposit box I have on the ground floor of the building, I find myself feeling a bit sad about things.
Nothing is working out as planned. I thought she and I would fall into each other’s arms and everything else would melt away. I was wrong. She has been drugged and neglected and even worse when she was in Hawthorne’s hands.
Liz is working the desk I see as I get off the elevator. “Can I have the key to the room where the safe deposit boxes are. I need to put something in mine?”
“Merry Christmas, Mr. Grimm,” she says with a smile.
“Oh! Yes, I forgot. Merry Christmas, Liz.”
She hands me the key. “Did you buy your lady something valuable for Christmas, sir?”
I nod then say, “I did. But I changed my mind about giving it to her. She’s in a frail state. Now is not the time.”
“Were you going to ask her to marry you, Mr. Grimm?” she asks and I find her curiosity annoying.
I simply walk away instead of biting her head off for being so intrusive. It is Christmas after all.
As I open the safety deposit box, I find the few things I keep in there, staring up at me. My grandparents’ wedding set is in here. My mother gave it to me when her mother passed on a few years back. She told me to keep it and maybe one day hand it down to one of my children.
The thought of having children had been on my mind a little over a year ago. I was going to ask Natasha to marry me on Christmas of last year but she had been taken away and that never happened.
I had so many plans that were halted. She’s so weak. Her body is much too frail to ask her to have children anytime in the next year. All my dreams and hopes have been dashed. And I have a couple of men I can blame for that. But then again, perhaps it’s Natasha’s own karma that got in our way.
Perhaps the fact she broke up a marriage means she’s not to have one. Or maybe she will have one in which someone will come along and break hers up. I would be the victim in that scenario. The role of victim is not one I like to play.
Pushing my thoughts aside, I place the black box inside and close it up, locking it away again. I was so sure this was the right time to ask her but things couldn’t be worse.
As I walk out of the room, I find the doctor coming inside the large stained glass doors. Bits of snow come in with her and she brushes off her coat on the mat.
“Hello Sandra,” I greet her.
She looks up and smiles at me. “Hi Nicholai. How are you?”
I take her hand and lead her to the elevator. “Not great. Glad you’re here.”
She kisses my cheek, a thing I didn’t use to allow her to do when she was my slave over three years ago. She stopped that lifestyle and with that, she began to treat me the way she wanted to.
I kiss her cheek back and run my arm around her shoulders, pulling her in for a hug as the elevator doors close. “What’s wrong?” she whispers as I hold her to me.
“So many things, Sandra. So many,” I say as I can’t stop hugging her.
“Nicholai, I talked to your father. He told me about what happened to the young woman. It’s a tragedy but she’ll be fine. I’ll make sure of that.”
I let her out of my tight hug and run my hand over her dark hair. “I can’t explain it all to you. It’s hard for me to take it all in. I love her but what she’s been through may have made huge changes in her. She’s dead set on there being no domination by me and I can’t stop that entirely. It’s how I was raised.”
She nods and seems to understand me. “I’ll talk to her as well as examine her.”
“She may not tell you this, she didn’t tell me. It was her father who told me. He had her locked up for over a year. He had the people who were watching over her, give her sedatives three times a day for that entire time. She’s been off them about four days now.”
Her eyes droop with sadness. “How terrible for her. I think she should also see a psychiatrist.”
“Me too. I’ll get that all set up for her,” I say as I open the door to my apartment.
“About how she’s changed, Nicholai. You should give this thing some time between you two. I know you’re a man who’s never been in love. To say you love her is a huge thing where you’re concerned. Don’t make any hasty decisions, either way. She’ll need time and you will too.”
I nod and take her to the bedroom. “She’s in here.”
Sandra stops as she sees I’ve let Natasha come into my bedroom. “You allow her in your personal bedroom?” she asks with a frown.
“Yes,” I say and watch the pain spread over her face.
“Nicholai, can I ask you a question?”
“You may,” I say and take her chin in my hand to get her to look at me as she was looking down.
“Why her? What did she have that I didn’t?” she asks me as tears pool behind her dark eyes.
“I cannot explain it at all. She had an unbreakable spirit that I admired. But I’m afraid that spirit has been broken and she seems to fight like a dog that’s been chained up and she looks at me like I am trying to chain her up again.”
“If she can’t be who you want anymore, would you ever think of giving me a chance again? In a normal relationship, not like what we had before.” Her eyes search mine and I find myself feeling bad about what I have to tell her.
“Sandra, you are a magnificent woman. Any man would be lucky to have you. I wish I could tell you what you want to hear. My heart beats only for Natasha. If she’s changed into a person I cannot live with or a person who cannot live with me, it will leave me very broken. You wouldn’t want a broken man, now would you?”
She shakes her head. “I see it in your eyes. You love her. You really do. I’ll go take care of her for you. I’ll do all I can to get her to see your love for her is real and you won’t hurt her. You won’t, right?”
“I will never hurt her,” I tell her, then open the door. “Thank you, Sandra.”
Natasha is asleep I see as Sandra goes to her. “I’ll wake her up. Wish me luck, Nicholai.”
I nod and close the door. Leaning my back against it, I wonder if I will ever get to be happy. Will things ever work out right for me?