JASON
My entire way of thinking has changed very rapidly. I can’t tell if it’s only my body which craves the woman I’ve managed to get into my bed or my mind, too. All I know is I want her right where she is forever.
I’ve loved Brittany Caldwell for as long as I can remember. The way her dark hair falls in waves over her back brings me right back to when we were young. We’d have to sneak in times to actually sleep together since she still lived at home then, but when we did manage it, it was always amazing.
Holding Britt has always been better than any sex I’ve had with any other woman. I don’t know why I fucked around on her. I really don’t.
Brittany always was the whole package and now that she’s grown and has managed to make something great out of herself, well, she’s even more of a fantastic package.
She’s making me so hard for her as she runs her hand over my chest. I can feel her breasts smash into my side and her breathing is rhythmically making them move against me.
Maybe she’ll stop this silly notion of giving me tonight or a week with her. Maybe I can have both. She seems to be getting back into me. Her angry demeanor seems to have gone away.
I’ll test the waters a little. “Baby?”
“Hmm?” she moans.
My insides go all shaky with the sound. I want to hear her moan for the next few hours. But I want to hear her do that every night for a really long time. My patience has never been good.
“Can we start the week right now?” I close my eyes and cross my fingers.
She moves her body up mine and looks down at me. “Jason, do you really think you can do this?”
She has every reason not to trust me. I’ve never done one single thing to earn that trust. Her green eyes are wide and seem to be searching mine for the truth.
I can say all the words I want to, but it’s my actions that will make her believe in me. I have to have her believe in me. For reasons I cannot understand, it’s essential.
Running my hands through her hair to push it back out of her face, I lean up and kiss her cheek. “Baby, I’m going to try harder than I’ve ever tried to do anything.”
She sighs and sits all the way up. I see this as a bad sign. “Jason, you shouldn’t have to try. It should come naturally to you. This isn’t going to work. I tell you what. Let’s just have sex, because the truth is I want you really bad. I’ll pretend you’re someone else. Anyone else but who you really are. The man who has a hold on my heart. Then in the morning, I’ll go and pretend I never saw you again.”
I sit up and shake my head. “No fucking way! I never want you to make love to me and pretend I’m anyone but me. That’s fucked up, Britt! Really, what the fuck has happened to that girl who could forgive and forget and go right back to being the sweet, loving, adorable, trusting person she was?”
“You killed that girl.”
And just like that, she’s cut me to the quick. I have no idea of what to say to that. She’s not exactly lying, but she’s giving me too damn much credit for what she’s become.
So I level my eyes on her and say, “You need to tell me about some of the other guys you dated right after we broke up. Because, baby, this can’t all come from only me.”
“What do you want to hear, Jason? That six months after I went to college I found a guy who I thought was going to be a good guy, and he turned out to be a damn cheater too? Because that happened, I stayed the hell away from men for a whole year after that. When I decided to give another guy who seemed to be sweet and honest a chance, he cheated on me too.”
“I knew it! I knew it couldn’t just have been me to make you this fucked up. So, why do I get the entire blame, Britt? That’s not fair.” I glare at her, as I’m pretty fucking pissed she left this shit out before.
“I suppose because you started the trend,” she says. Then she pulls the T-shirt off. “So fuck me and let’s get this over with.”
“Ha!” I get out of the bed and pull the pillow and the top blanket off and walk away.
“What the hell are you doing?” she shouts as she climbs out of the bed stark naked.
I stop and turn around and fight myself not to look at her gorgeous body. “Get back in the bed, Brittany. Just get back in that bed and sleep alone tonight. Start thinking about why it is you need to blame me for all of your problems. It has to be a real cop-out never taking responsibility for your own actions.”
“Jason, you don’t know a thing about me!”
I drop the pillow and blanket and pick her up and toss her over my shoulder and take her back to the bed. Tossing her on it, I throw the blanket over her and tuck it in tight.
With her body covered, I can think again. “Brittany, I will not ever be fucking you. Not ever. If that’s all you want from me, forget it. I want something real with you. But I only want that with the old you. This new you who blames someone else for your apparent misery isn’t an attractive person on the inside.”
“How dare you. I’m going home!” She tries to get out of the bed, but I sit on the side and hold her down.
“You are not going anywhere, Missy. You’re going to stay right here and you’re going to think about what it is you’ve become and how in the hell you think that’s going to work out for you in the future. No family will be there in your future if this is how you plan to live.”
Sparks shoot from her eyes as she hisses, “What do you care?”
“I love your fucked-up ass.” I kiss her forehead and she thrashes around, trying to get me to let her go. “Tell me, Britt. When was the last time you went to see your family?”
The way she stops moving and starts thinking lets me know it’s been some time. “I can’t really remember.”
“When’s the last time you talked to any of them?”
“I got a text from my sister, I think, about a month ago. What does that matter?” Confusion radiates off her.
“You, my used-to-be sweet girl, are cutting yourself off from life. This will not end well for you if you continue down this path. Now, I accept my role in your downfall, but I won’t take the entire rap for it. You need to look inside of yourself and figure out why you want to take things so damn personally. I can tell you about myself that it wasn’t you who made me do the things I did. It was me and only me.”
She looks into my eyes and one tear falls over her cheek that’s turned red from her being so pissed. “It has to be me, Jason. Why would I have three boyfriends who all found the need to be with other women?”
“It seems you go for a certain type. Do you know that I never seriously dated anyone until you? I was twenty-one when you and I started hanging out. I’d been messing with girls since I was fifteen and not one of them had caught my attention enough to call them my girlfriend.”
“I knew that,” she says as she seems to be thinking about things. “The truth is, I knew you were a wild boy. I was surprised that you said yes when I asked you to come over for dinner with my family.”
“You seemed cool and all chill with everything. I found it really easy to be around you because you didn’t make me feel like you were as demanding as other females.” I stop holding her down, as she seems to be calmer now.
“Do you think you messed around because you thought I’d eventually calm down and get back to our normal life?” Her lower lip is between her teeth and she’s chewing it. It’s a nervous thing I’ve never seen her do before.
So much about her shows me she’s become a nervous person. The way she’s eating to keep herself so skinny. The way she’s so untrusting of others.
“If I knew why I messed around, I’d tell you. The truth is, my head did not compute that my actions might really cause me to lose you one day. Once I did lose you, I knew I never wanted to try to have a normal relationship again. I felt like I was different and unable to be monogamous. That’s why I came up with that app. So I didn’t hurt anyone again.” I run my hand over her cheek that’s beginning to go from red to pink.
Her head cocks to the side. “So, since you and I ended you’ve been commitment-free?”
“Not exactly. You see, most of the women I’m seeing do think we’re in a committed relationship.” I watch her face go pale.
Her voice is soft and has no hint of judgment. It’s just truth flowing from her as she says, “Jason, that’s awful.”
“I haven’t thought it was awful. I thought it was a way of giving them something they needed while I still get what I need. But you saying that just made my heart ache. So it must really be awful. I’ve just masked that little fact from myself.”
Turning away from her, I find myself feeling like a real asshole. That’s a thing I let go of a long time ago. I was shameless in my actions. This woman can actually make me feel shame for what I’ve done.
No one else has managed to do that. Not even my mother.
Her hand on my shoulder makes me turn back around to look at her. “Jason, I’m sorry. Your life is your life, and I certainly shouldn’t judge you. You, at the very least, are giving these women something they want. I’m honest, but I don’t give the men in my life anything to hold onto, real or not.”
“Britt, the fact is we’re both messed up and I think we need each other more than either of us has ever needed anything or anyone. I know I said this before, but it bears repeating: we aren’t getting any younger.” I run my hands over her shoulders. “We can help one another. I know we can.”
“How can I help you, Jason? As you’ve just pointed out, I’m fucked up real good.” Her eyes cut away from mine and she looks sad.
I hate anyone to look sad. It’s part of why I am the way I am. But when Brittany’s sad it turns me up to another level. I take her chin in my hand to make her look at me. “Come on, baby. I think we’ve been harsh enough with each other for one night. Let’s just hold each other and sleep and tomorrow we can figure things out.”
She nods and settles in as I go get my pillow and blanket and get back into the bed with her. Cradling her close to me again, I feel strange. Like I’m on the cusp of a great change.
It’s almost like waiting for an earthquake. There will be massive destruction, but you get some awesome cliffs out of it and, sometimes, hidden treasure comes to the surface.
I hope she and I both find some strands of gold inside of us. We both need to find the good in us. And I’ve never felt more needed by anyone than I do with her.
Whether she realizes she needs me or not, she does!