JASON
The plane ride to Bora Bora was very, very nice. I think Brittany is letting her walls come down with me. I see a shine in her eyes that wasn’t there before.
Lying on the front porch of our bungalow, looking at the moon as it reflects off the clear water, I have my arm wrapped around her and venture into a subject that might upset her a little, but I have to go there.
I kiss the side of her head as she’s gazing up at the night sky and say, “I don’t know if this is a good time to bring this up or not, but I couldn’t help thinking about the fact that we’ve made love unprotected three times now.”
“Only the one time, Jason. The first time. The last two times I’ve used protection. It’s an insert thing. A spermicide.” She continues to look up at the sky instead of at me.
Caressing her cheek, I turn her to look at me. “You didn’t want to tell me that?”
“I didn’t think it mattered. But if you want to know all things birth control-wise, I didn’t take that morning-after pill.”
“Thank you,” I say, then kiss her lips. “And just so you know, you don’t need to use any more spermicides either. I’m going to marry you next week. We’re going to Vegas and I’m going to fly our families in for it. Then you can pick a place to go for a month-long honeymoon.”
She looks at me for the longest time. I can see her wheels spinning, but nothing is coming out of her mouth. Until she says, “We’ll see.”
I don’t know what it is with her. “What do you mean by that? We’re getting along better than I ever even imagined possible. We’ll see isn’t a thing to say.”
She cocks her head a bit and her expression goes into her stubborn face. “You haven’t asked me once to marry you. You’ve told me we’re getting married, but never asked. And I see no ring. So let that shit go.”
I look up at the sky and say, “I’m not letting it go. As far as asking you to marry me, I see no need. At this point, you’d only tell me no. And as far as a ring goes, I thought we could pick out a nice wedding set in Vegas.”
“You’re right. I would tell you no at this point. Three days into our relationship is too soon to decide something so important.” She looks up at the sky, too.
I catch her smiling out of the corner of my eye and hate that she thinks she’s won this little controversy. “Britt, we are three years and three days into this relationship, with a brief, six-year hiatus in between times. That’s how I look at it.”
“Well, you’re crazy.” She looks at me with a smile. “I do love you, though. And I do think this is amazing, what we have going on. I will admit that to you. But the marriage thing, in my mind, is permanent.”
I sit up and pull her to sit up with me. The way the moonlight catches the golden strands in her dark hair is beautiful, and I hope our daughters all have her hair. I run my hand through it and pull a chunk up to smell it.
The coconut and brown sugar shampoo the bungalow came with smells amazing in her hair. When I look into her eyes, I can see the brilliant blue water reflecting in them, mixing with the green of her eyes. It’s magical.
“Marriage is permanent in my mind, too. I want that with you. I want security, permanence. I want it all, Britt. I don’t want the insecurity of knowing you could decide to walk away at any moment and that I would be powerless to stop you.”
“So, you want power over me? Is that what you’re saying?” She bites her bottom lip when she’s done talking, and I see the nervousness boiling inside her.
Taking her by the shoulders, I try to ease her nerves. “I don’t want power over you. Maybe the way I’m saying things is all wrong. Look, here’s the bottom line. I want a life with you. Not with anyone else. I’ve had plenty of other women and none compare to you. None hold my attention the way you do. None fit me the way you do. None make me crazier and happier than you do. I want you, and I want the security of marriage to keep our asses in line.”
“You know, you and I both have a lot of money now. It would be smart to draw up a prenup. If one of us was to have an affair and there was no prenup, the other could end up with half or more of their money.” She searches my eyes for what I know is fear.
I laugh. “I’m not going to cheat, and I’ll kill anyone who thinks they’re going to have sex with you or attempt to take you away from me, so we’re safe as far as that’s concerned.”
She is moving around to sit in an Indian position, wearing only the tiny, red, two-piece bathing suit she put on when we first got here, and I find it hard not to center my attention on her open center. But I try to keep looking at her face.
“Along with a very fast marriage would be a baby as soon as possible, too, huh?”
I move my hands up her arms, loving how her skin feels so soft and cool. “I want you to have my babies, Brittany. I want to see your belly all round with my baby inside of you. I want to hold your hand when you bring him or her into this world and I want to see your face when you lay your eyes on what our love made for the very first time.”
One tear rolls down her cheek. I take my thumb and wipe it away. “You make it sound beautiful, Jason.”
“It is.” I kiss her cheek. “It’s the number one thing I see when I look at you and think of life with you. I know you’ll be an amazing wife and mother and I want to get to that already. I don’t want to introduce you as my girlfriend. I want everyone to know you are mine. My wife.”
The way she looks at me has me thinking she has this internal war going on, her heart against her brain. I know I hurt her when we were young and I wish I could go back in time and change it all.
Her lips quirk up into a half smile. “That would be something, wouldn’t it?” She looks up, then back at me. Maybe offering up a prayer. “I’ll let you know at the end of the week what my decision is.”
I almost tell her, no, that it’s not all up to her. But something inside of me tells me to shut the hell up or I’ll really piss her off. I can’t treat her the way I did when we were young.
I kind of bossed her around a lot. I didn’t realize it until I really looked back at us back then. I have to allow her to be the grown woman she’s become.
As hard as it is, I have to let her make her own decision about her part in this. I’m so used to forcing things with her. Forcing her to forgive me for my indiscretions. Forcing her to let me kiss her and make everything better between us.
I can’t force her to marry me. That would be wrong on so many levels.
So I sit and look back at her and nod. “Okay. That’s better than nothing, I suppose. And to make this a bit more official ...” I move around and get on both knees and take her left hand in mine. “Brittany Caldwell, will you marry me?” I hold up my hand. “Don’t answer me right now.” I wink at her. “Take a few days to think about it.”
She laughs and pushes at my shoulders. “You’re goofy now, Jason.” She looks out over the water. “Wanna get in?”
I nod, and we get up and take the stairs into the warm water. She moves into my arms as we go into the deeper water. The underwater lights keep things lit up and tiny fish move around, looking for something to eat.
“How about a snorkeling trip tomorrow?” I ask her.
Her dark brows rise and she looks excited. “I think that would be so cool. Tell me how in the world we could top this trip for a honeymoon, Jason.”
Good, she’s thinking about that!
“Hmm, how about something totally opposite, like somewhere snowy and secluded, like a mountain cabin in say Switzerland?” I find her eyes lighting up.
“That does sound romantic.” She kisses me. “When did you get so romantic?”
“The day you came back into my life.” I kiss her again, with a soft kiss.
She wraps her body around me and holds me tight to her. I can feel her letting me in. I get a little deeper into her heart all the time.
It would be nice to have the power to erase certain memories. The one where she caught me in my truck with that slut would be the first to go!
As I kiss her, my mind loops around to why I’ve done what I’ve done with my life. I feel as if I’ve wasted a lot of years on bagging various women, duping them into thinking what we had was real.
What purpose did that even serve?
When I’m with Brittany, all of the feelings are real. They always have been. I was like an actor in some play with all the rest of the women, going through the motions without any real connection.
And now I wonder how the truth is going to affect them all. Will finding out I’m married to someone do something awful to them? Will it break something in them like I broke something in Brittany?
Britt pulls her mouth away and looks at me with concern. “What’s wrong?”
“You could sense that, baby?” I ask, as I had no idea I was doing a thing in the world to show my inner conflict as I kissed her.
“Yes.” She runs her hands over my shoulders and wraps her legs around my waist as we float in the water. “So tell me what has you feeling tense.”
“I really don’t want to talk about it right now. This is not the time. I don’t know why it even went through my head.” I move to kiss her again.
She leans back and shakes her head. “No, talk to me.”
With a sigh, I say, “I’m feeling bad for how I’ve been living and the hurt I’m about to cause a bunch of women.”
Her body goes tense. “You can keep on living that life if you want, Jason. Only I won’t be a part of that life.”
“I’m not even thinking that way. You’re reading it all wrong. I’m only feeling bad that I did things that are going to cause other people pain, and I hope none of it is as extensive as the pain I caused you,” I pull her to me and try to kiss her again.
She shakes me off again. “Do they all think you love them?”
“I told them the words. But truth be told, more than one of them has accused me of not loving them. When those kinds of things get brought up, though, I suddenly have to leave town.” I look at her to see if there is any kind of compassion in her eyes and only see anger building.
“You’ve told them all that you love them? So those words flow out of your mouth very easily then. How am I to believe you mean them with me?”
My damn mouth seems to get me into more fucking arguments!