BRITTANY
Cuddled up in my bed after taking a nice hot shower, Jason and I are settling into sleep. The day has been long and hard and neither of us is up to any more than holding each other and catching some z’s. I suppose we’re like some old couple already.
Feeling his chest rise and fall as I lie across it with his arm flung over my back, I think how this could be every night. A thing I haven’t wanted in the last six years is all I can think about now.
How can things change so damn fast?
His cell phone lights up on the nightstand. I reach out and pick it up and find he really is fast asleep. Along with the name of Pamela Watterson comes his app. Her picture comes up and so does a list of things I suppose he uses to keep track of who she is and what it is they do together.
I don’t answer it. I let the call go to voicemail on its own. What I do, however, is click his little app and see what all he has about her in it. He has the name he uses with her in the little file.
As I look around the app some more, I see where his phone can be tracked by it and I click that button that wasn’t clicked before. Putting his phone down, I pick mine up and search for the app he made.
I nearly crap when I see it costs one hundred and fifty bucks each month. But I want to keep track of his ass, so I get it. When I enter his info and put in his phone number, I see a little green dot come up on the map.
Sure enough, it shows him at my address and I think what a great invention this really is. With this, I won’t have to guess if he’s lying to me. I will know without a doubt.
The only hard thing for me is that I’ll have to keep this information to myself, and I am terrible at keeping things hidden. But I have to, in order to find out if this man can really change that drastically.
There’s no reason to keep putting time into him if he’s only going to play me. I know I had no intention of getting married and settling down anyway, but since he does, or so he says, I need to know the truth about him.
He is a master liar, after all. I don’t think guarding myself for the first little bit of our relationship is a bad thing. Not with a man like this one.
Looking through his phone again, I see the number of women he’s keeping track of and the number is staggering at forty-eight. And from a few different countries, too.
There’s one from Mexico and in the notes it says she doesn’t speak English. I wonder how he communicates with her then. He didn’t use to speak Spanish.
My heart starts a downward spiral as I look at one profile after another of the women who are part of his life now. Although with most he uses aliases, there are a few who he uses his real name with.
It’s hard to imagine that this is really the guy I knew when I was young. The man whose chest I’m lying across and who’s holding me like he really cares about me, even in his sleep, is a man whose been living a lie for many years.
He can’t change. There’s no way. I know I’m setting myself up for failure with him. And I know I’m going to go through with this, anyway.
As I talked to that poor woman, I knew it would be me who has the greatest chance of getting Jason to see what he’s doing is wrong. First of all, I’m like the only one who knows the entire real him.
These women all think he’s some faithful man. A lot of them think one day he’ll marry them. That’s just not fair to them.
Even if it ends up hurting me in the end, I need to try to help Jason. I’m considering it a humanitarian effort. Someone has to step in and make the man feel some shame about lying to women.
A deep snore rattles his chest and I can see he’s really fallen into a deep sleep now and the alcohol is going to have him snoring. Rolling off him, I put my head on one pillow and use another to cover my head to muffle the loud sound.
I cannot believe I’m doing this. I must really love this man. This isn’t a thing I do.
I don’t sleep with anyone. Not since ending the very last relationship I had. I gave two more a shot after Jason. Both were short-lived after I caught them cheating.
With them, though, I ended it right away and no amount of begging and crying got either of them a second chance. I was done. And after the third man cheated on me, I decided not to even attempt a normal relationship.
The men in my life now are easy to get along with and happy with any time I spend with them. Each one has been in my life for two to three years, so all the kinks have been worked out.
They know I don’t deal with kinks, so they don’t make any. And just like that, it hits me.
I sat there in the car earlier and told Jason about how he doesn’t deal with problems he has with people. I told him he just moves on to another situation, and fuck if I don’t do the same thing.
Pulling the pillow off my head, I turn over and look at the man lying next to me. His arm is back up on his chest. His mouth is slightly open as he snores like a buzz saw.
The knowledge that I’m a hypocrite isn’t a thing I like to see in myself. I wonder if having a relationship with him will bring out any more things about myself I don’t like in other people.
Maybe he’s right. Maybe I do need him.
I laugh a little. No way! How in the hell is he going to help me?
His dark lashes flutter a little as he rolls over and the snoring stops. He’s turned my way, and he throws his arm over me and pulls me to him as he mumbles, “Come here, Britt.”
He pulls me until my body is up against his. He’s warm, and there’s something about how he makes me do things that I usually hate in other men, but love in him.
Why is it that he can get away with things others can’t with me?
He’s gorgeous, but I have a few gorgeous guys too. He’s all muscles. But I have one with almost as good a body as he has.
As I look all over Jason’s face, I realize he gets away with things others don’t because I love this jerk. I love the way his nose slightly flips up at the end. The way his jawline is only slightly squared.
I love the caramel color of his lips. The bottom one is bigger than the top. It’s the perfect mixture of hard on top and soft on bottom.
The way his bottom lip feels between my teeth is amazing. And that thought alone makes me hot for him.
That’s the other thing he does to me. No matter what, his touch makes me want him. That’s all he ever had to do when I caught him messing around. If he could catch me and hold me for only a moment or two, I’d be putty in his hands.
That’s the only reason the last time was the one that counted. I got on a plane and left. He couldn’t come knocking at my bedroom window and crying for me to let him in.
I remember one time I managed to stay away from him for three days after I caught him with someone else. We ran into each other in the grocery store. I turned to walk away from him as fast as my feet would take me.
He caught me and pulled me into his strong arms. The he whispered how sorry he was and how he loved me and would never do it again. And I left the damn store with him.
I was way too easy where he was concerned and it does occur to me I’m being way too easy again. Looking at his face makes my heart ache. No matter how hard I might try to walk away from him again, I know I can’t until he does something wrong.
Which I do think he’ll do. But damn it, I hope and pray he doesn’t. I want him so damn bad, it’s not logical.
I want to see a little boy running around our house who looks just like him. I want to see that face when it’s full of wrinkles, and I bet I’ll still find it the best thing I’ve ever seen.
My world is in this man and I have no idea why. Without him, my heart has grown hard and cold. My mind has ruled my life.
If nothing else, hopefully this time with him will heal me somehow. I didn’t realize I was so broken. Not until he came back into my life.
Back when I was young, I had aspirations for my life. One day, I was going to have a family. Back then it was always Jason who I saw as the man I’d have a family with. He’d be the daddy, and I’d be the mommy, and we’d be a happy family.
And somewhere inside me, I think it could really happen. He does seem to want to change. But then again, he always did before, too.
I believed him every single time he told me he’d never cheat again. Every damn time, I believed him.
Looking back, I can see how stupid I was. Stupid as hell over only this man right here. Maybe that’s my curse in this life.
At least I’m not stupid over every man. I have that going for me, at the very least.
I should thank my lucky stars that the powers that be decided only one man would be my weakness. I could’ve been dealt a hand where all men were.
Time has been put into the men who now have tiny parts in my life. I wonder, if this thing with Jason doesn’t work out, if any of them will want anything to do with me again.
I’ve maintained with each of them that I do not want any kind of relationship as each one of them has asked me to give them a shot at something real with me. I’ve declined the numerous invitations to become a couple with all of them.
What will they think about me giving Jason this shot? What will happen if he cheats on me and I end it for good? Will any of my men be there for me? Or will they all hate me for being a liar?
Because I suppose that’s how they’ll think of me after this. I told them all I would be single forever. I told each one of them I would never be in a serious relationship and not to take it personally.
Staying the night isn’t a thing I’ve done with any of them. And here it is, the second night I’ve stayed with Jason.
And I cannot believe Ugly Ryan wanted to fight with Jason over me. I did not see him doing that. I really do need to make Jason apologize to the poor guy.
I’m no better than Jason is. He may be lying to those women, and I may be telling the men in my life the truth, but we’re both wrong. In different ways and in the same ways. We are both wrong.
Perhaps we can help each other and in the process, create something good out of all the crap we’ve made out of our lives.
I cuddle back into Jason and close my eyes. Tomorrow is a new day, and I think taking one day at a time is what I need to do.
It sounds good, anyway.