BRITTANY
Holding the little girl in one arm as she lays her head on my shoulder, I take Jason’s hand. “Baby, it’s going to be okay.”
He doesn’t nod or speak. He just looks into my eyes then past me, up into the sky.
I feel this odd sensation of him slipping away from me. Slipping into another world. And then I realize he’s shutting himself down. Closing himself off.
“Jason. Baby, I love you,” I say softly as he continues to look up.
Running my hand over his cheek has him looking back at me. His eyes look a bit cloudy as he simply stares at me. Then, like some kind of robot, he sits up. “I’ll be fine.”
I get up as he does and find his body language very cold all of a sudden. “Stay over here, away from all of that over there, baby.” I pull on his arm to get him to follow me away from all the turmoil.
Leaning against one of the policeman’s cruisers, I rock the little girl in my arms as Jason leans on it next to me. His arms are crossed, as if he’s closing himself off.
A truck honking as it drives up the access road draws everyone’s attention as it screeches to a stop. A man comes out of the passenger side, screeching, “My wife! My kids!”
The little girl raises her head off my shoulder and shouts, “Daddy!”
The man makes a beeline toward me. “Abby!”
She’s wiggling, so I put her down and she runs to her father. I reach over to take Jason’s hand but his arms are still crossed. “Poor bastard,” he mumbles.
A few officers go to the man. I overhear one of them say, “Sir, are you the husband of Rose?”
The man nods as tears fall over his red face. Another officer takes his attention as he says, “You should come sit in my car. It’s cool in there and away from everyone.”
“I want to see my wife. And where’s our son?” the man asks as he follows the officers to the car.
“Dead,” Jason mutters under his breath. “They’re all dead, dude.”
Taking Jason by the arm, I pull him along with me. “We can leave now. This is messing your head up too much.”
He comes with me, but seems so distant. We pass the car they took the man and little girl to and the wailing coming from the backseat makes me stop and look over at the poor guy.
The word no keeps coming out of his mouth as his daughter holds him and cries. It’s a horrible scene that should never occur. Unfortunately, it does, more than once a day, even, and all over the planet.
“His life will never be the same. All because he fell in love,” Jason mumbles.
I start moving again, pulling him along with me. “Death happens, Jason. Living a life with no love doesn’t stop that.”
“It stops you from being devastated.”
We get to the car and I take him around to the passenger side. “I’m driving.”
He gets in with no argument whatsoever. I find that odd and the thing he just said is seeping into my brain and I’m not liking the words nor his actions at all.
Starting the car, I pull away and follow the other traffic that’s been diverted from the highway. Through the little median I go and end up on the access road. As I pass the truck the man came up in, I see Jason looking at it.
“I wonder what kind of day he was having up until that moment.”
“Terrible things happen all the time. It’s not for us to question,” I say as I drive away from the tragic scene.
“I’m not questioning it. I’m just becoming very aware of the reality of life.” He stares out the window and I notice how he keeps looking up at the sky. “You’d think the sky wouldn’t look so peaceful. You’d think the day wouldn’t be so beautiful. You’d think the powers that be might see fit to send a little rain down to show the sorrow for the loss of lives.”
“That’s not how things work, baby.”
Pulling back onto the highway, I head toward our hometown. I think we should go visit some of the people who helped make us who we are. A couple of broken people in need of some real help.
He glances at me. “Still going home?”
I nod. “I think I’d like to give Mom and Dad a hug. Maybe see if my sister wants to bring her kids over and visit with them some.”
He looks back out the window. “I’d like to go somewhere else. Just have quiet time in a hotel room. Maybe buy a fifth of whiskey and try to forget I ever saw that back there.”
“Well, we aren’t going to hide from the pain, baby. You think you feel bad, imagine how the people who know them are feeling.”
“I am. That’s really all I can think about. When you love someone, it makes you a target for pain and anguish.” He clasps his hands together in his lap.
“You’re shutting yourself off. I recognize that look. I had it once. It’s not the way to let this affect you. You should be thinking about how little time there is and how you should enjoy it the best you can and try to touch as many lives as you can in great ways.” I reach out for him, but he pulls his hands even further out of my reach.
“I’d rather not be touched right now.”
“I can see that. And tell me if you think that’s healthy, Jason?”
“Don’t care.”
I watch him out of the corner of my eye. His face is void of expression. His mouth is held tight and his body is rigid.
The thought sneaks through my mind that I am losing him. I have no idea of what to do.
Should I take him to a hotel like he said he wants? Or home to see his family like he should want?
I have no idea what the right thing to do is. I’ve never seen anyone this bad off. Not even I was this fucked up when I caught him with his pants down six years ago.
“I hope that baby isn’t mine. I don’t want one anymore,” he says.
I nearly pull the car over, I want to knock the shit out of him so damn bad!
“You know what? That’s the most selfish shit I’ve ever heard. And what if I’m pregnant?” I shriek.
My loud words haven’t fazed him. He sits silently for a while, then says, “You thought I’d fuck around on you, anyway. What do you care?”
I take the next exit and pull into the first parking lot I can find. A Home Depot parking lot seems to be where we’re about to hash this out or go our separate ways.
I park, then turn to him. “You need to snap out of it. I know that scene was bad but damn it, you’re taking it too damn personal.”
“I love you, and now I’m afraid of what that can do to me.” He looks out the window. “I don’t like the weight of that.”
“So, shutting yourself off and maybe losing me is a thing you find yourself thinking about doing? You’re going to let thirty minutes of awful take away a whole future of love, companionship, and your own family?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. Take me to a liquor store and a hotel to let me drink this off my mind.”
With no idea of how to handle this, I put my seatbelt back on and find the nearest liquor store. Driving up at the drive-thru window I get him a fifth of Jack Daniels and head over to the nicest hotel I can find in the little town we pulled off the highway into.
With no hotels in the town, I find the nicest motel and go inside to get us a room. I feel as if Jason has turned into a zombie. Maybe this is how zombies are really created.
With the little keycard in hand, I go back to find Jason sucking on the whiskey bottle and he seems to be a little more relaxed, which I will take as a good sign.
“I got us a king bed, and she said there’s a jet tub in the room. Maybe a nice hot bath in a bubbling tub will help you.”
Parking in front of the room, I turn the car off and pop the trunk. Jason walks toward the door and waits while I grab both of our suitcases.
This is so unlike him.
I take our things and open the door. He walks inside and falls onto the bed with a loud huff.
After making sure I locked the car, I sit on the chair next to a tiny table and look around the room. It’s okay, but not near what we’re used to.
Jason’s eyes are closed as he’s laid out crossways on the orange bedspread.
“It’s crazy how these motels use the ugliest colors and fabrics to decorate,” I say.
“They don’t want you to steal it. They use this ugly shit on purpose,” he slurs.
Great! Drunk already.
I guess I should be thankful. Maybe he’ll go to sleep and wake up the real Jason again. This man isn’t him at all.
It occurs to me that I have never been through one tragedy with him. He may react like this to bad things anytime they happen.
Once I hear him making little snores, I get his phone and find his mother’s phone number. Maybe she’ll have some idea for me.
I feel a little odd about calling her and talking about him behind his back but I’ve never seen him like this and frankly, it’s freaking me out.
“Hey, Jason,” his mother says as she answers the phone.
“No, Mrs. Brennan. It’s me, Brittany.”
“Oh, hi, dear. Are you guys on your way?”
“There was an accident. We weren’t in it, but we stopped as it happened right in front of us. People were killed and Jason saw too much, I think. He’s not taking it well at all. He had me bring him to a motel room and after rapidly downing some liquor, he’s asleep on the bed.”
“Lord have mercy!” she says. “He’s so soft-hearted.”
“That’s what I wanted to know. I’ve never seen him like this. He’s shutting down. Saying he doesn’t want to love anyone and things like that.”
“Hmm. This reminds me of when he was young and his grandpa died. He and my dad were very close. Too close, I think, as I saw a change happen in him when my daddy died. Jason turned into a different kid after that. He was fifteen then.”
I sit back and think about what Jason had told me about getting into girls when he was fifteen and never finding any who caught his attention enough to make them his girlfriend. He was twenty-one when he set his sights on me. I was his first real girlfriend, although he never could remain faithful.
“Do you think something as tragic as seeing dead people could change him again?” I ask as my stomach tightens.
“God, please don’t let that happen! He’s been so happy since he found you again, Brittany. He’s never sounded better in his life. He’s told me about his plans for your future. If this has derailed him, that would be awful.”
My heart sinks. “Do you have any ideas of what I should do to help him not fall into some kind of depression?”
“He may make it hard, but you should try very hard not to leave him alone. I’m sure that’s what he’s asking you to do, isn’t it?” she asks.
“It is.” I look at him as he’s sleeping at four o’clock on a Wednesday afternoon. “I’ll do what I can. I’ll make sure he or I call you tomorrow to let you know if we’re coming or not.”
“Okay, darling. Bye now.”
I end the call and bite my lip as I strip away my clothes and go to Jason and start pulling his shoes off. Maybe lying naked with him, skin to skin, will help him to see that feeling things like love aren’t bad things.
I hope so, anyway.