December 25th 2002
To: Ben
From: Allie
I know you’re on duty tonight so I won’t get a chance to talk to you, but I wanted to tell you how much I love you, and Merry Christmas. I left you a message earlier but then shit happened, of course.
Mom and Dad are at it again. Dad came home a few days ago and mom found something, panties or some chick’s phone number and she flipped out on him. They were screaming and mom just started hitting him. I don’t know what made me care this time but I tried to step in and get her to stop, and she hit me. First time she’s ever done that, but then dad started in on me. Instead of thanking me or feeling like an ass because I had to step in, he lit into me too and I just left. Christmas day and I had to leave my house because my parents can’t control themselves. I got home ten minutes ago and Dad was gone and Mom was gone too, that’s new.
So yeah, my Christmas sucks but thinking of you makes it better. Love you.
December 26th 2002
To: Allie
From: Ben
I’m sorry baby. I tried to call you but there was no answer, I hope you’re okay. Why didn’t you go to my parents for Christmas? I’m sure they would have loved to have you, especially if they knew what happened. I’ve been thinking about you so much since you left. I miss you, baby. I’m half tempted to tell you to quit school and come here, but we both know this is the way it has to be. You have to get your education and I have to get established. It’s hard now but we’re setting ourselves up for the rest of our lives.
I don’t know when I’ll be able to call you. Try calling me when you get home, hopefully we catch each other. Love you.
December 29th 2002
To: Ben
From: Allie
Tried calling but your messages never clicked on. Mom came home last night. She must have found some guy to have a bender with. Dad’s still gone, but what else is new. I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of the drama and the fighting and the routine. Why can’t my family be normal? Well, I feel better, call me when you can, I miss you. Love you.
December 31st
To: Ben
From: Allie
Happy New Year’s Eve! Hopefully you have fun at your party, I’m just about to head over to Jacklyn’s for her party. It’s going to be weird seeing everyone again. It’s funny how they’ve been home for weeks but I’ve only seen them a few times. Really only Jacklyn and Toby have reached out to me. Out of sight out of mind I guess. Anyway, have fun, love you.
January 1st 2003
To: Allie
From: Ben
Hey babe, call me when you get this. I called your house but your mom answered and I’m way too hungover to deal with that right now. You might have to call twice. Love you.
January 7th 2003
To: Ben
From: Allie
Haven’t heard from you in a few days, if you’re calling I’m not getting the message. I’m home for the rest of the night, it would be nice to talk to you…
January 8th 2003
To: Allie
From: Ben
Hey babe, I’m going to have to go dark for a few weeks, we’re doing some field training so I won’t be able to call or email. Should be back beginning of February. Email me your hours again, I really don’t want to play Russian roulette with talking to your mom anymore. Love you, sorry for the short notice.
January 13th 2003
To: Ben
From: Allie
Happy birthday baby! I love you, and wish I could be there with you today. Even though you won’t get this for weeks I wanted you to know I was thinking about you today. I miss you like crazy, can’t wait for you to get home so I can talk to you.
January 28th 2003
To: Ben
From: Allie
So don’t bother calling me when you get back. I don’t live at home anymore. Mom kicked me out. Guess the fact that I’m eighteen and in college means she’s done her mothering, and now she and Dad are going to ‘work on their relationship with no distractions’. So I guess I’m the distraction that’s kept them apart all these years?
So sick of the drama. I’m crashing at Casey’s house for now, that friend I told you about from philosophy class. I don’t work enough to pay for school and life so I have no idea what I’m going to do. Casey said I could stay here, and rent out the spare room since someone moved out after last semester. I honestly have no idea how I’m going to pay for everything. If I stay here I’m going to have to get another job because commuting two hours to pour coffee just isn’t worth it, plus add school to that…it looks like it’s going to be a mountain of student loans for me.
I left you a message with my new number. It’s the house line but if I stay I’ll get my own so at least it will be easier to talk. I check my email every day at school and the house has Internet so it should be easier to catch up.
Yeah…so hope you had fun. I really wish I could talk to you. I miss you and it’s hard not having you around the corner anymore. Your parents have pretty much stopped Sunday dinners. I thought it was because of the holidays but it looks permanent. I have no idea why but whatever. Guess I really have nothing keeping me home now.
Sorry to dump all of this on you in an email. I’ll talk to you when you get back. Love you.
February 3rd 2003
To: Allie
From: Ben
SERIOUSLY? I call your new place hoping to talk to my girlfriend and some random dude answers, says you’re busy and then hangs up on me?! I’ve been gone for a month and what, you replace me? Who the fuck was the guy? If you’re fucking around on me then at least have the decency to tell me instead of getting your fuck toy to tell me.
February 3rd 2003
To: Ben
From: Allie
WHAT? You think I’m fucking around on you? What the hell is wrong with you? I told you I’m staying with Casey. Casey is a guy. I’m in my own room and he’s in his own room. I would never do that to you. I wouldn’t even dream of it and the first thing you do when you hear a guy’s voice is assume I’m cheating? What have you been doing? Are you messing around on me and that’s why you’re accusing me? And pick up your damn phone, I don’t want to have this fight over email but I will if you don’t answer my damn calls.
February 4th 2003
To: Allie
From: Ben
Me? You’re accusing me? I’m in the infantry genius. THERE ARE NO CHICKS IN THE INFANTRY. You think I’m fucking around with a guy, or are you just trying to change the subject off the fact that YOU’RE LIVING WITH A GUY!
February 4th 2003
To: Ben
From: Allie
Your whole base isn’t infantry asshole. I know there are women on your base, I saw a whole bunch of them when I was there. How do I know you’re not fucking them while you’re partying every weekend? I go to school full time and I work full time hours, when am I supposed to have time to cheat on you?
February 5th 2003
To: Allie
From: Ben
YOU’RE LIVING WITH A GUY. You have all the time in the world to cheat on me. There may be chicks on base, but I live in men’s barracks and I work with men.
February 5th 2003
To: Ben
From: Allie
Can you stop with the caps lock, it’s fucking annoying. Answer the damn phone, I’m not going to email you back, so either call me or pick up my fucking call. I’m done with the fighting over email crap.
February 7th 2003
To: Allie
From: Ben
Allie, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about the stupid fight and I know we talked it out, but I really feel like I should apologize again and say what I really wanted to say on the phone.
I work with men and I live surrounded by men. Yeah there are chicks around, but I really don’t see them. I worry about you being in the real world. You’re in school with all these smart guys, guys who are getting educated and then I come back from the field and I find out something horrible happened to you and I wasn’t there.
You needed me, Allie, and I wasn’t there for you. And while I’m feeling like shit I call you and a guy answers. I don’t worry you’ll cheat on me, Allie Cat, I worry you’re going to realize you could do so much better than me and you’ll want more than I can give you.
I’m sorry I reacted that way. I’m sorry I kept the stupid fight going so long, and I kept being an asshole. I love you, Allie, but I worry you’ll outgrow me.
February 8th 2003
To: Ben
From: Allie
I’ll never outgrow you, Ben. I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember. You’re the only person I’ve ever loved. Being apart is hard, it makes us question things, but while you’re worried about me moving on I’m worried about you moving on. You’re out there in a world I can never be part of. You’re working and making a difference and I’m stuck in school. I’m so scared you’ll find some badass army chick who can understand your life. Who can be there for you while I can’t, and one who’s there for you when you need someone.
You’re the only guy I’ve ever been with, and I’m scared you’ll find someone better than me. Someone with experience who can do things for you I can’t, even if I was there. You love me, I know that, but at the end of the day I’m not there and I’m terrified you’ll find someone else.
I swear to you that I would never even think of being with someone else. My heart belongs to you, Ben, and only you. You’re the only one I want and I’m not about to walk away from my soulmate. I love you so much. Can we just acknowledge that we both have insecurities, but try not to let them get between us again?
Call me tomorrow. I’ll be home by 10. Love you forever.
February 14th 2003
To: Allie
From: Ben
Happy Valentine’s Day Allie, hope you got my package. It should arrive tomorrow if not today (yeah, I was late putting it in the mail, I know). I’m sorry about not being able to be there for spring break. I really tried to get my leave approved, but we’re going into the field for three days next week and I couldn’t skip it. They should let me take some leave soon, I have days to burn. Love you, I’ll call you tonight.
February 15th 2003
To: Ben
From: Allie
Thank you so much babe, I love the necklace. It’s so beautiful! I’ll call you in a few hours but I wanted to thank you right away!
February 27th 2003
To: Allie
From: Ben
Hi babe, I just got word I’m going for training. I leave in the morning and I’ll be gone for six weeks. I don’t think I’ll have access to a computer, but hopefully I’ll be able to call a few times. I love you, sorry for not being able to get hold of you to tell you in person.
April 13th 2003
To: Allie
From: Ben
Call me, please. Something happened I need to talk to you Allie. Please.