September 21st 2002
To: Allie
From: Ben
Hey baby, I made it safe and sound. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to call you last night, but we had to check into the barracks, and by the time I was in and settled it was after midnight and I fell asleep. We have the weekend off before course starts on Monday. It will give me a chance to get to know the area and check out the base.
I just wanted to send you this email to let you know I’m thinking of you and I’ll call you tonight. Love you.
September 24th 2002
To: Allie
From: Ben
Hey baby, sorry I didn’t call you after my first day but things were nuts. They gave us the outline for the next seven weeks and it’s going to be brutal. Lots of long days, and we’ll be in the field a lot so I won’t be able to call when we’re out, or email.
I know your schedule is weird too. Can you email me your work schedule every week so I know when to call you? I’ll try to call tomorrow night. Love you.
September 27th, 2002
To: Ben
From: Allie
Hi babe, I missed your call, sorry. I got stuck doing that stupid group project I told you about after class and then I had to work. It’s the weekend, so hopefully you’ll have some time to talk. I’m working tomorrow from 4-10 and then Sunday from 12-6 but I’ll be home after that. Love you, talk soon
October 2nd 2002
To: Allie
From: Ben
Hi baby, we really need to work on getting you your own phone line. Your mom picked up when I called you last night and it got weird fast. Not going to give you details but she’d had a few. I can’t remember if you’re working on Friday. If you are, try calling me after you get home. I can’t guarantee I’ll be here because we’ll probably be hitting the bar, but you might catch me. Love you.
October 4th 2002
To: Ben
From: Allie
Guess I missed you. Called but no answer so I’ll just wait for you to call me this weekend. I’m working the same hours this week so try to catch me after. I barely make enough to pay for the Internet but I’ll see about getting my own line. I don’t want to know and I apologize for whatever Mom said to you. Love you.
October 7th 2002
To: Allie
From: Ben
It was great to talk to all of you at Sunday dinner last night. I’ll try to call every week that way I’ll be sure to actually get hold of you. We’re going into the field this week so I won’t be able to call or email. I’ll call you on Saturday, still work the same hours? Love you.
October 7th 2002
To: Ben
From: Allie
Yup, same hours. Have a good week, try not to get lost in the woods! I have a massive paper due so I’ll be busy, plus I picked up those extra hours I told you about. More money is good and staying away from my house is really good. They’re at it again and it’s bad. Anyway, don’t worry about me. Talk to you this weekend. Love you.
October 12th 2002
To: Ben
From: Allie
Well it’s nearly midnight and no call. I hope everything is okay. Are you even back from the field? Did you stay longer? Email me back, or call, just let me know you’re safe. I’ll be at Sunday dinner tomorrow night if you want to call then. Love you.
October 13th 2002
To: Allie
From: Ben
Sorry baby. Back yesterday. Little drunk. Call tomorrow. Love you.
October 14th 2002
To: Ben
From: Allie
I’m home now, call when you can. It’s been a long week.
October 15th 2002
To: Allie
From: Ben
I’m going to be in the field for most of the rest of course, so I won’t really get a chance to talk to you all that much. I’ll tell you more about it tonight. Call me when you’re done work. I’ll be up late.
October 31st 2002
To: Ben
From: Allie
Are you home yet? You said you’d be back this afternoon and it’s almost midnight. Call me or something so I know you’re safe.
November 1st 2002
To: Allie
From: Ben
All safe and sound. I like beer.
November 1st 2002
To: Allie
From: Ben
And vodka.
November 1st 2002
To: Allie
From: Ben
And rum.
November 1st 2002
To: Allie
From: Ben
I miss you. I wish you were here now so I could fuck you. I miss fucking you. I like fucking you. Fucking you is fun. I just said fucking a lot. A chick in a sexy nurse costume hit on me tonight. I said no. I told her I’m getting married to you and she offered me sex. Just like that she offered to take me to the bathroom and suck my dick. I said no, even when she said I could fuck her ass if I wanted to. That’s how much I love you. I said no to sex with a hot chick. Words are hard when you like beer and vodka and rum and whatever else was in that stuff Jeffries gave me. I like Jeffries. He’s a fun dude. You’d like him. He gets all the girls. He’s a player. I used to be a player. I still would be, but I love you. No more hot chicks for me. Jeffries can have them all. I have my Allie Cat. All I need.
November 2nd 2002
To: Ben
From: Allie
Seriously? Drunk calling me at 3am wasn’t enough you had to send me those emails? I don’t even know what to think. Don’t call me for a few days. I’m angry at you. I need time to cool off and I have a lot of work to do.
November 17th 2002
To: Allie
From: Ben
I called and your mom picked up again. You really need your own line. I know, I’m not happy about the posting either but what can I do? It’s where they need me so I have to go. And to answer the angry questions you dropped on me last night but never let me answer—yes, I put in for bases closer to you but they had no spots open—no, I’m not happy to be moving across the country but I really have no choice —no, I didn’t ask for a field unit, it’s where they put me.
Look, I get that you’re upset, I am too, but we need to talk about this. I’ll call you tomorrow, love you even though I’m a little pissed at the way you talked to me last night.
November 21st 2002
To: Ben
From: Allie
I’m home now babe, call me, please. Your grad is tomorrow and I want to talk to you before you leave, again. Hopefully you’ll have some sort of answering machine or voicemail so I don’t have to keep emailing you every time we miss each other. Love you.
December 2nd 2002
To: Ben
From: Allie
I really need to talk to you about something, please call me. I left you a dozen messages but you’re not answering. You didn’t say you were going to the field…whatever, just please call me.
December 3rd 2002
To: Ben
From: Allie
Please call me Ben. I’m about to freak out. I’ve filled your voicemail and you’re not answering. I haven’t heard from you in four days. I’m half a step away from calling your parents to see if they know where the hell you are, but I don’t want to freak them out.
December 4th 2002
To: Ben
From: Allie
Little pissed at you so I’m going to write this down instead of talking to you. I get that things are stressful for you and sometimes you don’t want to talk, but hiding and just not calling me back while you go to the bar with the guys and get drunk every night is not how you handle things. Just email me and tell me you can’t talk for a few days, that way I’m not freaking out and wondering if you’re hurt or dead or worse.
Things aren’t all perfect here either. School is crazy and I’m working so many hours I feel like I have no time for anything else. Mom and Dad are driving me nuts. I had to call the cops last night because Mom was throwing cutlery at Dad and she started throwing knives. Knives! She hit him with a few and he was bleeding and she started freaking. Then he started yelling and she started screaming and yeah, I called the cops.
Do you still love me? I feel like I never hear from you, and if I do it’s only for a few minutes and you’re distracted. If something’s going on then tell me, just let me know and I’ll back off. If you’re already changing your mind then tell me so. I love you Ben, but I don’t know you right now.
December 12th 2002
To: Allie
From: Ben
I’ve been trying to figure out a way to say this over the phone, but maybe reading it will be easier on you. I’m not coming home for Christmas. I didn’t get my leave approved and we’re not getting enough time off to justify a trip home. I’ll only have three days and then I’m pulling duty so my schedule will be all over the place. I’m sorry, I know we were planning on spending Christmas together but I’ll be stuck here. New Year’s Eve doesn’t look great either, but some of the guys are having their girlfriends come up for the holidays, maybe you could come here for a weekend? I have enough for your ticket, but even with the accommodations here I can’t commit to too long because I won’t have the time off. Think about it, three days is better than none, right? Love you, call me tomorrow when you get home, I’ll be here.
December 19th 2002
To: Ben
From: Allie
Can’t wait to see you tomorrow baby, I’m so excited! I wish it was longer than three days, but considering I haven’t had more than five hours with you since July I’ll take it! Still pissed you’re not getting Christmas off or enough time to come home but you’re right, it’s better than nothing. Six months have never seemed so long. I miss you so much. I bought a few things I think you might like, hopefully you don’t plan on leaving the room too much. Love you, can’t wait to see you.