December 2002

 

Allie had never been on a plane before and she was terrified the entire flight. Her ears had popped and her stomach had felt like it was dropping right out of her body as they’d landed, and she’d almost passed out when they’d hit turbulence.

She wasn’t a fan of flying, that was for sure. As she walked out of the arrivals gate she saw Ben standing there in the front of the crowd with a small bouquet of roses in his hand and a smile on his face, and she’d felt so much it had been overwhelming.

She ran right into his arms, and he scooped her up and swung her around as he hugged her so tight she felt her ribs crack.  She just clung to him as he held her and let the tears flow down her cheeks. Her heart felt like it was swelling and she might burst she was so happy.

“I missed you so much,” she whispered in his ear as he hugged her.

“God I missed you, Allie.” He pulled away so he could look into her eyes. “I missed you so much.”

His kiss was crushing and hard, and she kissed him back. She vaguely remembered they were in public, but she honestly didn’t care. After a long moment he pulled away from her, and smiled as he looked her up and down.

Allie stared at him as he studied her. She had to admit the short haircut was a little strange on him. He looked amazing but she wasn’t used to it. Ever since they were kids he’d always worn his hair on the longer side, and his new look was cleaner and made him look older. He was still in the same shape as he’d been after basic training so he was harder and more muscular, but everything else was the same. He was still her Ben.

They stared at each other, almost lost in a spell, then Allie was bumped from behind and they were brought back into reality.

“Did you check a bag?” he asked as he took her hand in his and handed her the flowers.

“I did.” She nodded. “I didn’t actually realize you can take those tiny suitcases on the plane with you so I checked it.”

He grinned. “Well, now we know for your flight home.”

“Thanks for the flowers.” She smiled as he led her to the baggage claim.

It didn’t take long to get her bag, and he took her coat from her as he started to lead her to the parking garage. It was a lot warmer here than back home, her sweater would be warm enough.

“So this is your new car.” She grinned as she settled into the front seat.

“The very one.” He nodded as he slid into the car with her. “It’s not fancy but it gets me from A to B.”

“You’re such a grown up.” She laughed as he started the car.

“What do you mean?” He pulled the parking ticket out from the visor and headed toward the exit.

“Just last week I was freaking out about my exams and final papers, and here you are with your own car and bills and all that other adult crap.”

“Yeah, I guess if you look at it that way I kind of am.” He grinned. “Although to be fair the bills for my room and meal plan come out of my pay so I don’t really pay them, they just get paid.”

“So it’s more like you’re in college.” She laughed. “Like you live in a dorm and you go to the meal hall.”

“Only I don’t have to worry about finals or exams, and I’m getting paid,” he teased.

“Yeah, and you don’t have to pour coffee all day, or make it.” She paused as they made it to the exit and waited while he paid.

“Job still suck?”

“I like my boss. Marla is great and I don’t hate the work, I just hate the customers.”

“You never were a people person.”

“Still not. People suck.”

“All people?” he asked teasingly.

“No, not all people,” she conceded. “Your mom made me bring your Christmas presents so I don’t have a lot of clothes in my bag. Not a lot of things I can wear outside that is.”

 

Ben groaned and glanced over at her. She was looking him up and down and licking her lip. The look in her eyes was pure heat and hunger, something he’d never seen in her before, and he shifted as he got hard.

“You keep looking at me like that and I’m going to pull over and toss you into the backseat so I can fuck you senseless,” he said in a low voice as he looked back at the road.

Even as he was saying the words he had to remind himself why they had to wait until they got into some sort of room.

He still couldn’t believe she was really there. He’d only gotten off work an hour before her flight had landed, and he was grateful his Sergeant had worked it so he could have the afternoon off to meet her.

She was still his perfect Allie, but there was something different about her. She had a confidence she hadn’t had before, and he loved how she was teasing him back. Before he’d left they’d experimented a lot. She’d always been happy and willing to try whatever he suggested, and she’d enjoyed a lot of it, but she’d never taken the initiative and shown him how much she wanted him.

Even when they’d be on the phone and he’d try to start some dirty talk she’d kind of giggle and listen to him. He’d hoped they could figure out a way to have phone sex, but it had been way outside Allie’s comfort zone. Maybe that would change.

“Hmmmm. Promise?” she asked coquettishly.

He groaned again and tried not to speed as he drove down the street. It was a good half an hour to the base, and he wanted her so badly he felt like he was going to burst.

“So it’s been in for a few months now,” she said after a moment.

“And?”

“It’s all good. We don’t have to use condoms.”

She’d had an IUD put in back in October in anticipation of seeing him at Christmas. It had been ridiculously expensive, but her student health plan had covered a small portion of it and he’d paid the rest out of his wages. 

He grinned and reached out to take her hand in one of his. He didn’t mind wearing protection if it would keep her from getting pregnant, but she’d told him she wanted to get one for other reasons he didn’t quite understand. Something about lightening her flow and stopping cramps, and the bonus would be that she wouldn’t need any other kind of birth control.

When she’d told him how much it was he’d been shocked. It was way more than she could afford, so he’d sent her the money for it without even thinking. It was for her health, and they didn’t have to worry about her getting pregnant.

They’d talked about having kids a few times and they both wanted to be parents, but they’d agreed they didn’t want them for a while. He wanted Allie to get her education and get established in her own career before they started, and he was selfish. He wanted some time with just her since they would be apart for so long. They’d decided they would look at getting married when they were twenty-five, and maybe have kids at around twenty-eight. It gave them lots of time to work on their careers, and to enjoy their lives together without rushing into parenthood before they were ready.

They might have found each other young, he might have proposed to her at eighteen, but it was the promise he’d wanted to give her. He’d wanted to show her how much he loved her and how much he wanted to be with her, and to promise that he wanted her forever.

With a smile he tilted her hand so he could see her ring and grinned as it caught the light and sparkled gently. He’d also had a slightly selfish reason for proposing. By putting his ring on her it would show the world she was taken. It might not keep the guys away from her, but it would show them her heart belonged to him.

* * * * *

The drive to the base was long and there wasn’t much to look at, but Allie was just happy to sit and hold Ben’s hand.

She’d missed him so much over the past six months. Only talking on the phone and emailing when she was used to seeing him every day had been hard. Plus they’d had a few rough patches where they weren’t communicating very well, and one or both of them would get angry or get their feelings hurt.

She’d had to deal with some issues at home with her parents and she’d missed being able to go over to his house and hide out and talk with him. She also felt like neither of them had enough time.

She was going to school full time, commuting two hours a day, and she was working nearly full time hours at her job. Add homework and the occasional social thing and she felt like there weren’t enough hours in the day.

He was so busy with work and duty and going into the field his schedule was even more erratic than hers, and he still needed to go out on the weekends or his off days so he could decompress.

They’d gone days without being able to talk, and a quick email here and there didn’t go too far when she was feeling overwhelmed and needed to talk to her best friend.

It had been a rough six months, but she was with him now and that’s what she was going to focus on. She didn’t want to sour the weekend by being angry at the past.

When they got to the base it was as if they entered a different world. He’d had to show his ID at a gate that was guarded by an actual armed guard. Then he’d driven through the many streets and buildings, and after about three turns she was lost.

He drove her up to a square building that seemed to have five floors and parked in the lot. He grabbed her bag out of the back, leaving her coat in the car, and took her hand as he led her into the building.

She wasn’t sure what she’d expected, but a small sitting area with chairs and books, a couple of vending machines, a desk with an older and slightly bored looking man in uniform, and elevators right in front of the doors wasn’t it. It looked like the bottom floor of a dorm, just with a guy in uniform at the desk instead of a student.

“We’re on the fifth floor,” Ben said as he nodded to the man at the desk and led her to the elevator.

When they stepped out onto the fifth floor and she looked around. It looked like a dorm hallway.

“What?” he asked as he pulled her down the hall, digging a key card out of his pocket as he did.

“It looks like a dorm.”

“What did you expect it to look like?” he asked with a grin as he stopped in front of a door and swiped the card.

“I don’t know, more military.” 

“And what does military look like?”

“I don’t know. Camo, those mesh things they put over things to cover them, at least lots of green.” She grinned.

He laughed and pulled her into the room. As soon as the door closed she didn’t even have a chance to look around. He dropped her bag and swept her into his arms as he pressed her against the door.

She gasped when she felt his hands running over her body, and a moment later his lips were on hers in a crushing kiss. She moaned against his lips when he pressed his pelvis against her so she could feel how hard and ready he was.

“Ben.” She gasped as she pulled away from his kiss so she could look up at him. “I want you, right now.”

He reached down and picked her up by the backs of her thighs, pulling her legs so they wrapped around his waist as he lifted her. He sealed his mouth over hers and carried her over to the bed as he kissed her. The moment his knees hit the side of the mattress he crawled up on the bed, and lay her down as he pressed his body over hers.

Their hands fumbled as they rushed to strip off their clothes. As soon as they were naked she grabbed him and pulled him down on top of her.

“Now, Ben. Please.” She begged when he reached down and slid his fingers over her. “I’m ready for you.”

The moment she felt him push inside her it wasn’t so much the physical feelings as the emotional connection that hit her. It felt wonderful to have his hard body over hers, his lips against hers and to feel him inside her, but it was the love she felt for him and the anticipation of the moment that was almost overwhelming.

“Fuck, Allie. I can’t. I—” He came on the very next thrust and jerked against her as he cried out.

Allie held him against her body, wrapping her arms and legs around him to keep him in place so she could enjoy the moment.

It was true she hadn’t found any release and it had been quick, but she felt completely satisfied, and happy.

“I’m sorry—”

She reached up and put her finger over his lips, silencing him. “Don’t. That was perfect.”

He looked like he wanted to argue with her, but he just nodded and smiled as he kissed her forehead.

“I missed you so much, Ben,” she said as she cuddled up to him. “It’s hard to be apart.”

“I know, baby.”

“But you’re happy? You’re doing what you want?” she asked as she looked up at him.

“Yeah, this is what I want.” He nodded.

“Then that’s what matters.” She smiled and snuggled against him again.

“Allie…” he trailed off.

“What is it?” she asked as she looked up at him. “Ben?”

“There’s a rumor going around,” he said as he shifted so he was facing her a little more. “I don’t want to lie and keep it from you, but I don’t know if I should tell you.”

“What’s the rumor?” she asked as she stared at him.

“We might be getting deployed.”

“Deployed?” She sat up and stared at him. “What? When? Where? How long?”

“It’s all rumor right now,” he said as he sat up with her.

“What’s the rumor then?”

“There’s a chance we could deploy next year. They’re saying it could be March, maybe as late as June.”

“Okay. Wow. Where and how long?”

“It would be Iraq, probably a year.”

“When will you know?”

“We’d get the orders in the New Year. They give you some warning but it’s not a lot of time.”

“Like how long before will you know?”

“A few months. We’d have to go for training, so there wouldn’t be much time between the orders and leaving to train for the deployment.”

“Wow.” She shook her head. “I’m not sure how I’m supposed to take that.”

“I just want to be honest with you. Nothing is set until the orders are cut, but it’s a very real possibility.”

“I guess. I know it’s pretty much been a guarantee since you joined, but wow.” She looked up at him. “It’s just so soon.”

“Are you okay?”

“In shock.”

“Like I said, it’s not set. I just didn’t want to spring it on you without giving you a chance to prepare.” He took her hand and held it tight. “Baby?”

“I’m scared,” she said honestly. “So many have died, so many more will die. What if it’s you, what if you die over there—”

“Shhhh, shhhh.” He grabbed her by the shoulders as he looked into her eyes. “Allie, it’s okay. Take a deep breath,” he soothed.

“You could die over there, Ben.” She shook her head. “You’d be going to a war zone—”

“Allie, baby. Stop.” He shook her gently. “Take a breath, don’t let this snowball on you.”

“Sorry, thanks.” She bit her lip. He always knew how to calm her down and stop her from panicking.

“I told you to prepare you, but nothing is set yet. Until I get my orders don’t think about that. Don’t think about any of that and just be here in the moment with me.”

She stared at him. He dropped that bomb on her and now he wanted her to not think about it?

“I only have three days with you, Allie, don’t let this ruin them.”

He was right. This was the first time they’d gotten to spend any time together in months, and they only had a few days. She didn’t want to ruin their time together. She nodded and scooted closer so she could push him back down and lie with him. “Just promise me one thing,” she said as she put her head on his shoulder.

“Anything.”

“Do whatever you have to do to come home,” she said softly. “I don’t care about what you might have to do. I don’t care what you might be forced to do. I will never stop loving you. I will never stop supporting you, no matter what.” She moved so she was lying over him and could look into his eyes. “You swear to come home to me, Benjamin Egan, or I will never forgive you.”

“I promise, Allie.” He pushed her hair back from her face and looked into her eyes. “I swear.”

* * * * *

For the next three days they didn’t leave the room unless it was to eat or go for a short walk. The guys in Ben’s unit had all wanted to meet her, but they had so little time together he’d told her he didn’t want to share her and she could meet them another time.

They spent their time talking and making love, just enjoying being together. They’d exchanged Christmas gifts and Allie had been worried he would take hers the wrong way, but he’d loved it.

She’d gotten him a sterling silver wedding band to wear. It was true they weren’t married but she was wearing his ring and she wanted him to wear hers. She’d worried it would come off as possessive and a little clingy, but he’d put it on his finger with a huge smile on his face and had thanked her over and over again.

He’d given her a gold necklace with their initials and birthstones in it. It was beautiful and so personal. She’d asked him to put it on her right away and she hadn’t taken it off the whole weekend.

Allie was starting school again in the new year and would be working on top of going to class. Ben was going to put in for leave to come home on her spring break, but there was a very real possibility he could be preparing to go overseas by then and the thought was killing her.

They had to cram six or more months of time together into three days. It just wasn’t enough.

When it was time for her to leave she’d been inconsolable. As she’d hugged him in the airport she’d felt like her heart was breaking and she couldn’t let him go.

He’d held her tight, whispered how much he loved her and that he’d see her soon before pulling away from her, forcing her to let go of him.

She’d been a mess the whole way through security, and she was pretty sure that if she hadn’t been at an airport near a military base waving goodbye to a guy with a short haircut and no facial hair she might have gotten hassled.

She’d made it to her gate and found a seat near the windows so she could try and get control over herself.

“Excuse me?”

She looked up and saw a woman who looked to be in her mid-thirties standing in front of her. She was pretty with light brown hair and grey eyes, and a curvy but still slender build. She also had a ‘support the troops’ jacket draped over her arm.

“I don’t mean to intrude, but were you by chance visiting someone on base?” the woman asked.

“My fiancée.” Allie nodded and then motioned to the seat next to her.

“My name is Terri.”

“Allie.”

“My husband has been in for nine years,” she said as she sat down. “His name is James, we have a son. What’s your fiancée’s name?”

“Ben, he’s been in for about six months. We don’t have any kids.”

“Is it your first separation?”

“Pretty much.” She nodded and wiped her eyes. “He joined right after school. Left for basic, AIT, got posted here, and this is the first time I’ve gotten to see him since he left.”

“What does he do?”

“Infantry. What about your husband?”

“Intelligence. It’s hard, to see them for a short time and then have to go back to your life.”

“Were you ever separated?

“A few times.” She nodded. “He’s done two deployments and a few courses, so about four and a half years total.”

“In nine years?”

She nodded.

“How do you deal with it?”

“You find a purpose. You find something that makes you happy. Something that keeps you busy. If you sit at home waiting for them to call or worrying than you’ll drive yourself crazy.”

“I have school, and my job. It’s the reason I’m not here with him. He wants me to finish school.”

“You have to have your own life,” Terri said seriously. “It’s fine and great to be involved in your husband’s career, but you have to have your own purpose and your own life. Something that’s just for you and makes you happy independent of him. If not, you’ll just get sucked into the bullshit of the military and it can eat you alive. Do you have a strong support system? Family, other wives?”

“Not really.” She shook her head. “Ben’s family has been better than my own, but I don’t know anyone else who has someone in. I don’t know anyone who can understand what I’m feeling.”

“The military has a lot of resources. You just have to find them, ask what they might be able to offer you. They’ll be a support system for you, get you answers to what it’s like to be a spouse. Even resources to read through about things like moves and entitlements.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Reach out. Find something local or close to you and see what they can offer to you help you through this. It’s true what they say, there really is no other life like it, and no one can do this alone.”

“Thank you. I’ve felt so isolated, so separate. It’s like I have this huge thing and no one around me understands what it’s like.”

“We all go through it. It’s hard, but if you love him it’s worth it.”

“I do love him.”

“Then it’s worth it.” Terri smiled reassuringly at her. “You might hit some walls, being how you’re engaged and not married. Some of the spouses can be kind of catty and if you’re not married they don’t think you understand what it’s like, but not everyone is like that.”

“Thank you.” She said as she gave the older woman a smile. It was nice to know she really wasn’t alone.

“I’m just glad I could help. So what do you study at school?” she asked and the two of them fell into an easy conversation.

It was nice to just talk to another woman about trivial things. The three days she’d been with Ben had been wonderful, but they’d also been intense. A part of her was angry he’d told her about the possibility of a deployment right off the bat like that, but the other part was glad he hadn’t lied to her or told her just before she’d left. She’d had three days to process it, if he’d told her before her flight she would be a basket case right now.

She didn’t know what would happen and she didn’t know what the future would hold, all she knew was that she loved Ben and she would be there for him. She would wait for him.