Ben felt like he was in a constant state of conflict. For days he’d tried to think of anything other than Allie and if she was or wasn’t pregnant, but no matter what he did she was always on his mind.

He needed to talk to someone, and the only person he could think of was an old army buddy who lived less than twenty minutes from his childhood home. After some stalling he picked up the phone to call him.

“Hello?”

“Davidson, hey. It’s Egan.”

“Ben, what’s up?” Tyler’s voice was surprised, and Ben didn’t blame him. They hadn’t talked in months, not since Tyler reached out to him when he’d moved home.

“Did you want to get together? I could use a friend.”

“Sure, you want to go out or come over?”

“You don’t mind having company?”

“Are you kidding? Kenzie would love it. She’s been dying to have people over now that the house is finally in order.”

“Yeah, that would be great.”

“We’re free today. Why don’t you come over around seven? Kenzie’s friend and her son are coming over for dinner and I have a feeling you might not want to be around a six year old.”

“That would be perfect. Thanks.”

“Of course. You have our new address?”

“I got it.”

“Alright. We’ll see you at seven.”

Ben hung up the phone and sighed. It would be nice to talk to Tyler again, and he was dying to meet the mysterious Kenzie who’d made Davidson hang up his playboy ways.

* * * * *

At exactly seven Ben rang the doorbell to Tyler’s house. It was on the smaller side but it was well maintained and in a nice area.

“Hey, come on in.” Tyler grinned as he opened the door.

As Ben stepped into the house he couldn’t help grinning. Tyler looked exactly the same as he had seven years ago when they’d gone on tour together. It was as though the man didn’t age, and he had to admit he was really glad to see him.

One thing about military friends was it never seemed to matter how much time had passed, they could pick up right where they left off. It could have been ten years or ten days, they never stopped being buddies.

“I like your place,” he commented as he looked around. It would seem Tyler was a minimalist too, and while there were little touches here and there that made the house seem like a home, it was neat and clean and very open.

“That’s all Kenzie.” He grinned. “Speak of the devil.”

Ben saw a look of pure love fall over Tyler’s face as a woman came into view, and felt a small pang of longing. It was obvious Tyler was happy, and while he was happy for him, Ben wished he had that in his life. Kenzie was very pretty, but nothing like the women he’d seen Tyler with in the past. Her hair was long and dark blonde, her eyes were a warm brown and had a welcoming smile. She was a little on the tall side and her figure was a bit full, but she had great curves.

“Devil? Really?” Kenzie asked with a grin. “Tell me how you really feel.”

“You know I love you.” Tyler laughed and looped his arm around Kenzie as she came to stand next to him. “Kenz, this is Ben. Ben, my fiancée Kenzie.”

“Fiancée?” Ben’s eyes immediately swept down to look at Kenzie’s left hand. She was wearing what looked like a wedding band set with diamonds all the way around. “Congratulations. When did this happen?”

“On her birthday.” Tyler kissed Kenzie’s temple and smiled tenderly at her. “So about three weeks ago.”

“I’m really happy for you,” Ben said sincerely.

“Thank you.” Kenzie flushed. “Did you want anything? Beer?”

“I don’t drink, not anymore.”

“We have soda, or non-alcoholic beer.”

“You dry too?” He glanced at Tyler.

“Some days, but I’ve found a lot of guys have given up booze so we always keep some on hand.”

“Sure, that sounds great. Thank you.”

“Why don’t you two go to the man cave and I’ll bring down some drinks.”

“Thanks babe.” Tyler gave Kenzie a quick kiss and watched her as she walked away. After a moment he nodded for Ben to follow him into the basement.

The man cave was basically a rec room. The room had been split into a TV room with lots of seating, and the other side was a home gym. Tyler led him over to the sitting part and sat on the couch as Ben sat in the plush chair.

“I still can’t believe you settled down.” Ben grinned. “You were the biggest playboy I’ve ever known.”

“I wasn’t looking, that’s for damn sure. But when you meet the right person it hits you.”

“It does.”

“Are you okay?” Tyler leaned back and looked at him. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy you called. But you’ve been in town for a few months and this is the first time you’ve reached out.”

“I was dealing with some shit.”

“I know. I get it.” Tyler nodded. “I heard, about your release.”

“Yeah.” Ben sighed. “It’s been a bit rough.”

“Is it army shit that brought you here?”

“Believe it or not, no.”

“Woman shit?”

“Yeah.”

“How can I help?”

“I need to talk to someone about what’s going on, and you understand the added crap that goes with relationships after war.”

Tyler nodded solemnly. “I was a wreck when I met Kenzie. I almost lost her a few times because of my PTSD and how I was dealing with it. I’m lucky she stuck around.”

“I’m not feeling all that put together right now.”

“Drinks,” Kenzie said loudly as she came down the stairs. It was obvious she was letting them know she was within earshot in case they were talking about something he wanted to keep between him and Tyler.

“Thanks.” Ben accepted the drink when she handed it to him.

“Thanks, babe.” Tyler pulled her down for a quick kiss and gave her a pat on the ass when she turned to leave.

Kenzie laughed and gave him a wink as she headed back toward the stairs.

“So what’s going on?” Tyler asked when Kenzie was out of sight.

“Remember how I told you I was engaged when I was younger?”

“Sure.”

“Well, that girl was my high school love. She was my best friend and I loved her, but I ended things when I was on my first tour.”

“Did you see her again?”

“I called her. We met up.”

“And? I’m guessing there was something there.”

“Yeah. We’re different people now—it’s been fourteen years since we were together, but she’s still the same Allie.”

Tyler didn’t say anything, he just waited as Ben pulled in a deep breath.

“We were starting something, had a few dates, then…”

“What?”

“She might be pregnant.”

“Wow.” Tyler stared at Ben. “How do you feel about that?”

“Happy…as crazy as that is.”

“It’s not crazy, but it has to be messing with you.”

“Oh yeah. One second I feel like I know exactly what I want and I’m ready to move forward, and an hour later I feel like the world is spinning out of control and I’m barely treading water.”

“I can understand that.” Tyler nodded.

“If she is then I want to be a dad. I mean, it’s Allie. She’s the only woman I’ve ever loved and I still love her. If she isn’t I still want to be with her, but this is such a huge thing, especially so soon.”

“How does she feel?”

“I don’t know. Allie always dealt with things alone. She had a shitty home life. Her parents were drunks and her dad was always and in and out of her life, and her mom had a reputation around town as being a bit…loose with her affections. Whenever something would happen she’d need to process it on her own before she could talk about it.”

“And she’s processing?”

“Yeah.” He sighed and drank down some of his beer. The taste was a bit shocking after so long not drinking, but it was familiar, and it was comforting.

“When things ended, were they bad?”

“I sent her a letter and never saw her again.”

“Shit…”

“I know. I thought I was doing the right thing and it was the right way, but now…”

“You can’t change the past. I know it’s impossible not to wonder and think about it, but it’ll eat you alive if you let it. You need to focus on right now.”

“I know you’re right. But it’s hard.”

“It is.” Tyler nodded. “I still do it, even though I know I shouldn’t.”

“How did you get past it? How did you flip the switch and go from soldier to civilian? How did you make that transition?”

“I don’t know, exactly.” Tyler drank down some of his beer and shook his head. “Kenzie was the catalyst. I met her when I was fucked up. I was living in a shit-pit going from job to job. I had no real friends, no direction and I was ruled by fear and guilt. After I met her I realized I didn’t want to be the same asshole I’d been since I got out. I wanted more, but it took time and a few personal revelations before I was ready to make the changes I needed to.”

“Like when you started dating?”

“No. That actually came later. First I had to figure out what I really wanted. Then I had to get the motivation to actually do it and stop holding myself back. In all honesty I hurt her, bad. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying away from her, but I left her hanging after promising not to hurt her. I got my shit together on my own. Started training for the fire services and met up with her by chance. That’s when I knew she was it, and I would do anything to make sure I never lost her again.”

“I don’t know if I’m at that point yet.”

“You’ll get there. It takes time.”

“What if I don’t have the time?”

“For Allie, or the potential baby?”

“Both.”

“Kenzie told me something, the first day I met her. She told me I wasn’t a broken man and I was a survivor. I felt broken. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy because I survived. It didn’t register then, but later on it clicked. I was alive and I was here, and I was wasting my life by living in the past. I didn’t want to be that man anymore so I had to change. PTSD doesn’t just go away, but for me it became manageable because I found a reason to move forward.”

“Do you still have problems with it?” Ben asked quietly, almost afraid of the answer.

“Some days.” Tyler nodded. “I still have the nightmares, and I still feel guilty for a lot of shit. I think about what we saw, what we did all the time, but it’s getting easier as time passes.”

“I worry I’ll never get over it.”

“I feel the same way.”

“But you just said—”

“I may never get over what we went through, but I know I’m going to be okay. Some days are going to be harder than others, but eventually it’ll all be a memory and I’ll be in control of it.”

“I hope that day happens soon, for both of us.”

“It will. Feel better?”

“Surprisingly.” Ben grinned. “Thanks.”

“Anytime.”

“So, let’s talk about some normal shit. And Kenzie can join us. I have a few stories I think she needs to hear.”

“Sounds good.” Tyler laughed. “Just don’t get me in too much trouble.”

“Deal.”

* * * * *

Allie spent the next ten days in a fog. She got up, went to work, did what she was supposed to and came home. She felt like a zombie half the time and was paying such close attention to her body it was bordering on ridiculous.

Every time she felt anything near her lower abdomen, be it a hunger pain or an itch, she would panic and try to figure out if it could be pregnancy related. She constantly checked her underwear to see if she’d started bleeding, and she stopped drinking.

Ben didn’t call and a part of her was hurt. It was true she’d said she needed time and would get in touch with him, but he could have at least tried to reach out to her.

She had no idea what he was thinking or feeling. Was he happy, scared? Was he planning on bolting the moment he found out? Would he want anything to do with her if she was, or would he disappear and send her money every month? If she wasn’t, would this be the end of them? Would this event put so much pressure on him that he wouldn’t be able to handle seeing her anymore?

There were also all the practical things to think about. Trying to set up for and have a baby alone was daunting, almost terrifying. Her mind was constantly spinning as she tried to simultaneously figure out what she needed to do and not think about it.

She felt as though she was constantly in knots and couldn’t relax. People at work noticed, but she just told them she was having trouble sleeping.

She was also feeling guilty about lying to Ben all those years ago, the first time he’d forgotten a condom. She hadn’t wanted to worry him so she’d lied and taken the pill. She’d sworn she’d never lie to him, but she’d hidden that experience from him and everyone else in her life for fifteen years.

The day her period was due it still hadn’t shown up. It wasn’t unusual for her to be a few days late but she couldn’t wait any longer.

She went to work and picked up a pregnancy test on the way home. She knew she was supposed to wait for her first morning urine when testing this early, but she couldn’t stand to wait even an hour longer, so instead bought a box with two digital tests in it.

The moment she was inside her house she made a beeline for the bathroom. She ripped open the package, pulled the test free and skimmed through the instructions to see if there was anything different about these ones. There didn’t seem to be.

It had taken her a few moments, but she managed to pee on the stick like the insert had instructed.

As soon as she was done she capped the test and put in on the window sill. Now she had to wait two minutes and she would have her results.

After fifteen seconds she couldn’t take it anymore and went into her kitchen to distract herself. She would drive herself crazy if she stared at the test, waiting for it to develop. She might as well get something in her system.

She grabbed a granola bar out of the box and drank down some chocolate milk. She knew it was juvenile, but she loved having a glass of chocolate milk before bed most nights and used it as a sort of comfort drink when she was upset or in a bad mood. When the granola bar was eaten and the milk container put away, she headed back into the bathroom.

“Fuck me.”

Allie stared at the test on the windowsill. In the window there was a single word.

She was pregnant. It had happened.

Adrenaline and shock rose up in her body at dizzying rates and she suddenly felt light-headed. The world tipped and spun around her and she had to grab onto the counter to stay standing.

She was pregnant. At that moment she was carrying Ben’s baby. She didn’t know how to react or what to feel, and did her best to push everything down. She would deal with her emotions later. Right now she had to wrap her brain around the fact that she was growing a baby inside her body.

Putting her hands on her stomach she bit her lip. She was happy, terrified and worried too, but happy. She was going to be a mom. Ben was going to be a dad. As she thought about Ben her chest tightened.

How would he react? Would he be happy? If he was, would he be happy nine months from now, or five years from now?

Ben was an honorable and honest man, she knew that. She also knew the likelihood of him actually leaving her was slim, but she worried this would make him feel as though they had to be together and he would feel trapped.

This pregnancy had come before she could fully figure out what she wanted. She liked Ben, there was part of her that was still in love with him, but were they compatible long term? Did he even want to be with her? Did she want to be with him?

She felt as if her options were being ripped away from her. Instead of trying to sort out what she wanted and how she was feeling, she had another life to think about. Her time to be selfish and to worry about only herself was over.

Now it was time to be a parent and put her baby first. 

She had to tell him. She had to pick up her phone and tell him she was pregnant, but the thought of saying the words out loud was terrifying. It might be the coward’s way and completely against etiquette, but she was going to text him. She needed time to get over the shock and figure out what she wanted and how she was feeling, and he needed time to think about it and process before they talked in person.

After a moment she pulled out her phone and went to her contacts. She called up his number and hit the message icon.

Now was as good a time as any. She might as well get it over with.

 

I took a test. It was positive. I’m pregnant.

 

As she hit send she felt a wave of fear wash over her, followed closely by a wave of disgust with herself. This wasn’t the proper way to tell him he was going to be a father. He might have broken her heart fourteen years ago and only recently come back into her life, but he was still the best friend she’d ever had, and the only man she’d ever loved.

Shaking her head she hit the call icon next to his name and prayed he hadn’t read her message yet.

“You sent me a fucking text?”

Although she understood his anger, Allie was feeling very vulnerable and exposed at the moment so her defenses instantly went up, and logic and reason flew out of her thoughts.

“I called too.”

“After texting me.”

“I thought it was the best way—”

“To what? Tell me this life altering moment had happened? To inform me that I’m going to be a father? You really thought so little of my feelings that you texted it to me?”

“Your feelings? Your fucking feelings, Ben? Sorry I didn’t put you first here, but I’m the one who’s fucking pregnant.”

“With my child!”

“In my body!”

“So that trumps everything?”

“You said it was my choice.”

“So what do you choose? Are you keeping it?”

“Yes, I’m keeping it.”

“And what about me? Am I just an ATM or—”

“The stick isn’t even dry yet. I took the damn test and called you as soon as I read the results. I haven’t thought about any of this and I can still barely wrap my brain around the fact that you knocked me up.”

“I already apologized about not putting a condom on. I lost my head, but you didn’t stop me.”

“Just like I didn’t stop you fifteen years ago.”

“What?”

“At your grad. You forgot then too. Why are you the only man I’m so careless with? I’ve never, ever gone without before you, and I let you do it twice.”

“We were young. We hadn’t seen each other in months and we hadn’t been sleeping together for long. It happened but it wasn’t a big deal. You couldn’t have gotten pregnant then. I was clean, you were a virgin before me. Why would you even think about that now—”

“Because it was the same then.”

“What?” His voice dropped to almost a whisper.

She’d been angry and feeling overwhelmed so she’d lashed out at him. For some stupid reason that had come tumbling out of her mouth and it was too late to try and take it back. She would have to tell him the truth.

“That night, evening, whatever. I told you it was right after my period. It wasn’t. It was the middle of my cycle again. You were about to leave for AIT and I didn’t want to freak you out.”

“You lied to me, and then kept lying for two weeks? How could you not tell me?”

“I didn’t lie for two weeks.” She bit her lip, contemplating if she should tell him the whole truth.

What she’d done had weighed on her for years. She couldn’t only tell him half the truth. For her own sanity and because he deserved to hear everything, she would tell him.

“I went to the hospital the next day and got the morning after pill. I took it and I never told a soul.”

“But…how…why…?”

“I couldn’t wait to know if I was or wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to have a baby. The thought of having one and giving it away was too much, and I was afraid I wouldn’t go through with an abortion. Plus there was more than just me to think about. You helped make it so I would have had to do what we decided.”

“And instead of letting me make a decision you took care of it and never told me?”

“I was eighteen and terrified. I was about to start college and you were halfway across the country. I was scared and felt alone and did the only thing I could think to protect myself. You said it was my choice this time, so it wouldn’t have been back then?”

“It would always have been your choice.” She could hear his voice shaking slightly. He was angry but trying to keep calm. “I understand why you decided to take the pill, and I mostly likely would have agreed with you back then. I’m not pissed you did it, I’m angry that you lied and kept that from me.”

“I’ve never told anyone about that. Not a soul until now.”

“What else did you keep from me?”

“That was it.”

“Did you ever fuck your college roommate?”

“Casey? Where the fuck did that come from?”

“Did you?”

“No, not once.”

“No?”

“No. We were friends. I lived with him until we both graduated, but we were never physically involved with each other.” She bit her lip. It was much easier asking him these questions on the phone. “Did you ever cheat on me?”

“I never even considered it.”

“And when you dumped me? Was it for another woman?”

“No, Allie. That had nothing to do with anyone but me. I didn’t sleep with another woman until almost six months after I came home from my tour.”

“Oh.”

“How long did you wait, after we broke up?”

“Does it matter?”

“It does to me.”

“Over a year.”

“Oh.”

She wanted to ask him why he’d ever sent her that stupid letter, but kept her mouth shut. With everything going on at the moment, she might not be able to handle the truth.

“So what are we going to do?” he asked slowly. “How are we going to figure this out?”

“I’m going to call my doctor tomorrow and make an appointment, start the medical part of it as soon as I can.”

“And me? Us?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can we talk about this in person? I really hate phones and this isn’t something we can just figure out on a whim.”

“You’re right. When?”

“Tomorrow after work?”

“Do you want to come here again?”

“Sure, what time?”

“I’ll be home by six, so how about eight? That way I have a chance to change and get something to eat.”

“Eight is fine.”

“Okay. I’ll talk to you then.”

“Yeah.”

The phone went dead in her hand and she put it on the table. He hadn’t seemed angry until she’d told him about her first and only other pregnancy scare, and that was because she’d lied to him. He’d been shocked, but had sounded happy at the same time.

She had no idea what she was going to do, she just knew that tomorrow would be a very long day.