By the time Allie got home from work she was exhausted and it had nothing to do with her pregnancy.

She’d had a hell of a time sleeping, again, and her day had been extremely busy. She’d barely managed to grab some food at lunch and had ended up working right through her usual afternoon break.

Normally being busy was a blessing as it made the day go faster, but now that she’d given up coffee and wasn’t sleeping well it was brutal.

She hadn’t told anyone she was pregnant. She figured she had about three or four months before she would have to switch to maternity clothes and could always wear layers or say she was gaining weight until then.

She had a doctor’s appointment scheduled for the next week to confirm what she already knew and to set up her prenatal care schedule. She had all of her sick leave for the year saved up and hadn’t taken her two week of vacation time yet. That should cover the time off she’d need to take and give her a little extra time before and after her maternity leave.

She was extremely lucky to work at a progressive company. They allowed one day a month for personal absences and you could bank them so she still had all of her days for the year.

They also has extended maternity benefits. If she continued to work until she was no longer medically able and used her saved up days off to cover the time before, she’d be entitled to twelve weeks off after she gave birth and she would be paid half her salary for the first six of those weeks. It was a lot more than most women in the country were granted and she was grateful.

Her boss was very understanding, and as a mother herself would most likely be happy for her. A few of her colleagues wouldn’t approve of her not being married, but she’d stopped listening to their religious rhetoric almost as soon as they’d started. She might not have support at home, but she would have it at work and that was an incredible weight off her shoulders.

She’d picked up some prenatal vitamins and had gotten rid of all of the wine, beer and coffee in her house the moment she’d gotten home from work. The only person she’d had over since she’d moved home was Ben, and she didn’t think he’d mind if she didn’t stock booze or caffeine.

There was still so much to think about and plan for, but being proactive was helping her feel more settled. She wasn’t sure if it was because she was processing everything or pushing it all aside, but she was able to focus and that was really all she could hope for at this point.

As soon as she’d changed into a pair of yoga pants and a light sweater Allie went down to the kitchen and looked for something to eat. She had a fridge full of healthy food but absolutely no drive to cook.

After a long pause she pulled some leftover roasted chicken, mayonnaise, a head of lettuce, and a tomato out of the fridge. She grabbed a frozen portion of butternut squash soup out of the freezer and a loaf of bread out of the cupboard and set to making herself some dinner.

A few weeks ago she would have either skipped eating or had snacks all night, now she had make sure she ate better. She wasn’t just feeding herself anymore.

When her meal was done she cleaned up and grabbed a glass of water to bring to the living room with her while she waited for Ben. On her way into the other room she unlocked the door.

 

Come on in when you get here. The door is unlocked for you.

 

A text came back almost immediately.

 

Okay.

 

She flopped down on the couch and picked up the remote. Before she could turn the TV on she put it back down. She wasn’t in the mood to concentrate on anything. Instead she lay back on the soft cushions and took a deep breath. Maybe she’d be able to rest and relax a bit before Ben showed up.

* * * * *

Allie woke up to the feel of a soft yet strong hand on her cheek.

It took her a moment to open her eyes, and when she did she saw Ben kneeling beside the couch, smiling as he stroked her cheek.

“Ben.” She smiled and blinked a few times. “This is a nice way to wake up,” she said groggily.

“How so?” he asked with a grin as he helped her sit up and slid onto the couch. “Lie down if you’re tired.”

Allie was still a bit out of it and the thought of lying on his strong lap was just too tempting and she nodded, smiling contentedly as he helped her lie down so her head was nestled on his warm thigh.

“Seeing you when I open my eyes. We didn’t get a lot of chances to wake up together. I missed that while you were gone.”

“I missed it too.” He sighed and gently ran his fingers through her hair. “And falling asleep with you.”

“Yeah. I really missed that. No one ever made me feel as safe as you did.”

“Were you happy with me? Even with the distance and the circumstances?”

“Being with you is the only time in my life I was happy,” she confessed, biting her lip. “There were times the distance or not being able to talk to you drove me crazy, but only because I missed you.”

“You ever think you would be better off with someone else? Someone stable and who could be there for you every day?”

“You were there for me every day,” she said softly as she looked up at him. “Even when I couldn’t talk to you or we were fighting, you were there for me because you loved me.”

“I felt like I was constantly letting you down.”

“You never did. I was proud of you. I loved you. I would have spent ten years apart if I had to in order to keep you in my life. You weren’t just my first love, Ben, you were my best friend and I lost everything when you broke up with me.”

“I thought I was saving you.”

“From what?” She struggled to sit up. She needed to know the truth as to why he’d ended things all those years ago, and that wasn’t a conversation she wanted to have unless she could look into his eyes.

“From me, my life. All the shit that came with where I was and what I was doing.”

“Would you have ended things if you hadn’t gone on tour? If you’d stayed on a base until I graduated, would you have broken up with me?”

“No.”

“So what changed?”

“A lot of shit happened over there, Allie. A lot of stuff I’m still not okay with.”

“Like what?” She could see his breathing pick up as he looked away. “I don’t want to upset or trigger you, but I think I deserve an explanation as to why. It’s been killing me for fourteen years, Ben. Why did you break my heart?”

“The day before I wrote you that letter, I watched my LT die.”

“Ben?”

“We were on patrol.” He looked away and she put her hand on his, offering him some comfort if he needed it.

“We were sweeping a village. They told us it was friendly and we were just making sure there were no insurgents or people who needed help. We were almost done when someone in the village tossed a grenade in front of us. Lieutenant Wallace, my mentor and friend, dove on it and took the blast for us. He sacrificed himself so we would survive, and he didn’t even hesitate.”

“I’m so sorry, Ben. I can’t imagine how traumatizing that was.”

“It was hard. I still see it and hear the blast in my nightmares and when things are really bad, but there was something else that really fucked me up.”

“What?”

“The day before we were sent on patrol Lieutenant Wallace’s wife went into premature labor. She gave birth to twins and they were rushed to the NICU. She’d had some complications too and they were working on sending him home. From what we were told they were just waiting on transport to get him home when we were sent out. It was supposed to be a quick sweep and when we got back there would be a vehicle ready to take him to the airfield.

“He died knowing his babies were sick and fighting for their lives, and his wife was alone and in rough shape. He never got to talk to her or even see a picture of his babies. He was a dad for a day when he sacrificed himself to save us, a bunch of wet behind the ears privates with no babies waiting for us to come home. He gave his life for me when he had people a hell of a lot more important to go home to.”

“Is it the guilt that he died while you lived? That he saved you?”

“That’s a part of it, but the biggest part was fear.”

“Fear?”

He looked right at her. “I would have done the same thing. Without pause or even thinking about it, I would have done the exact same thing to save my men. We weren’t just soldiers, we were brothers.”

“And that scared you?”

“The thought of leaving you like Lieutenant Wallace’s wife did. What if I died over there? I would be leaving you alone to pick up the pieces and deal with losing me to a war you never agreed with in the first place. What if I survived the tour? I knew I would be going out on others. I was a marine, it’s what we trained for. What if I came home and we got married and lived the life we wanted. What if you got pregnant, like we planned, and then I had to go again? Would I die and leave you a widow with a baby, maybe two, to raise alone? Would you ever be able to get over the grief of losing the father of your kids, and how could I leave children behind knowing I might not come back? You grew up with shitty parents, I didn’t want my kids to grow up without a dad because he’d been blown up a world away while they were babies.”

She listened to his words, completely shocked that he’d thought any of this. That was the reason he’d ended things? Because he was afraid he’d leave her alone?

“I knew it would be better for you to live your life with someone who had a normal job. Where the occasional overtime shift was all you’d have to worry about. Not him going to war.”

“Ben, I understand the logic and why you thought that, but did you ever think it wasn’t your decision to make?”

“What?” he looked at her sharply.

“I made the choice to accept your proposal. I chose to be with you and support you joining the marines. I decided I wanted to wait for you. I knew the risk. I watched the news every day for months. I saw the caskets coming home and watched the pictures of the fallen being splashed all over the news. I know how many people were dying over there, and while I prayed and hoped to a god I’m not sure even exists, I knew there was a chance you wouldn’t come home to me.”

“Allie—”

“No, Ben. Listen to me for a second. I can’t imagine what you went through, the things you saw or did, or even had done to you. I know you could tell me every story in detail and I’d still never be able to comprehend because I wasn’t there. I get that, but you need to understand what I went through after you tried to save me.”

He bit his lip when she paused and Allie could tell he was physically restraining himself from interrupting her.

“I was heartbroken. I could barely function for months. The only reason I didn’t fail the next semester was because Casey took care of me. He made sure I got up and ate, that I went to class and he spent hours letting me cry and try to figure out why you’d hurt me. I watched the news every day, I read every newspaper I could to see if you were one of the soldiers who’d never come home. I scoured the Internet for some hint of your name or status, and every time my phone rang I almost had a panic attack because I thought it was your parents telling me you were gone.

“Casey helped me understand that you were doing what you had to. He thought it was because you needed to focus on you and not worry about me while you were over there. I accepted that because the only alternative I could think of was that you didn’t love me anymore, and I couldn’t handle that.

“When your tour was up and you should have come home I waited for you to get in touch with me, and tell me you still loved me and wanted me. I waited for a year, shutting everyone and everything out except school and the few friends who I managed to keep despite being a raging mess. When the year passed and there was nothing it was like my heart was breaking all over again.

“You were done with me. You didn’t want me anymore and I was lost. My best friend, my lover and my fiancé was done with me and I didn’t know how to pick up the pieces. I made a lot of shitty choices because my views on relationships and love were skewed. I wanted so desperately to find what we’d had again that I put up with a lot of shit hoping someone would love me like you had, and I’d feel that kind of love again. But I never did.

“None of that is your fault.” She shook her head and looked away for a second. He looked so shocked and as though he was about to jump in and cut her off that she squeezed his hand, hoping he would let her finish. “Those were my choices and I don’t blame you for what I did, but I do blame you for breaking my heart. And now I find out it was because you were trying to save me from something I agreed to?”

“There was no way you could have really known what could happen—”

“So soldiers shouldn’t get married or have kids? Or police or firefighters? Only people who work in offices can have kids or partners? Construction workers, truckers, fishermen, even doctors can die at work. So with that logic no one should ever have a family because they might lose their partner or parent? What about car accidents, murder, even fucking cancer? People die all the time, but we shouldn’t live just in case it happens to us?”

“Allie—”

“No, Ben. I need to finish. I knew there was a chance you could die. The thought killed me, but I knew it could happen. It didn’t change how I felt for you or what I planned. I would have given anything, anything at all, to have one more conversation with you, to see you one more time after you came home. I never got to tell you how much I loved you. I never got to try and convince you to take it back. By sending me that letter it was as though you died over there anyway because I never had a chance to say goodbye or get any sort of closure. You were in my life one minute and gone the next, and I was still left to pick up the pieces.”

“I never thought of that…”

“You were filled with grief and traumatized. I get that. I just don’t understand why you didn’t let me help you after you came home. I would have done anything for you, Ben. But you turned your back on me when you needed me the most.”

“If I talked to you. If I saw you again than I knew I would never be able to walk away. Sending you that letter, being half a world away is the only way I could have let you go because there was no way to take it back.” He shook his head. “If I’d looked you up then I would have lost all resolve and begged you to take me back.”

“Why did you really call me? You have to have a real reason.”

“I never got you out of my head.” He sighed. “I told you about my past, about my less than stellar record with relationships. I acted like that because I was running away from your memory.”

“What?”

“I didn’t want to find love. I didn’t want to look for a partner or even think of having kids because you’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted that with. I lost you because of my shitty ass life, I wasn’t going to even bother seeing what else was out there.”

“That sounds incredibly lonely.”

“Lonelier than spending your life searching for a love you never found?”

“Ouch. That was a little harsh.”

“You tried to replace me. I guess I couldn’t let you go and you couldn’t wait to forget me. Seems we loved each other in different ways.”

“I never forgot you!” She snatched her hand away from his as tears sprung into her eyes. “No matter who I was with or what I was doing your ghost was always right there. Even when I didn’t want to think about you or about what we had, I thought about it. I compared every friend and man in my life to you. You were my standard and I never found anyone who even came close to you.”

“But you still wanted to find someone who wasn’t me.”

“Where the fuck is this coming from?” She stared at him in disbelief. “You broke up with me. You sent me a letter that shattered my world and I’m the bad one for trying to move on?”

“It’s just a little hard to know how I spent fourteen years pining for a woman who used me as a barometer for her future husband.”

“Get out.”

“What?”

“Get out of my house, Ben.” She jumped up.

“We have to talk about the baby—”

“No, we don’t. Right now you need to leave before you say something you can’t take back.”

“So that’s it? You’re just going to shut me out if I say something you don’t like?”

“No, I’m going to give you the chance to walk away before it escalates to a point we can’t come back from.”

“You honestly think I could hurt you like that?”

“Fourteen years ago I would have said no. Now I’m not so sure.”

“Allie—”

“Leave, Ben. I’m stressed, hormonal and freaking out. Plus you just dropped a huge bombshell on me. I need time to think about this before we make any decisions about the baby.”

“Allie—”

“Now, Ben.”

“Fine.” He stood and shook his head. “But we will talk about it.”

“We have nine months to figure shit out.” She looked away from him. “Just go. I’m tired and I’m feeling very vulnerable right now. I don’t want to cry in front of you and I’m afraid that if you don’t leave, I’ll break down.”

“Allie—”

“Please. I need to be alone right now.”

After a long pause he nodded and stuck his hands in his pockets as he turned to leave. She watched him until he was out of her house and then sat back down on the couch with a strangled sob.

Now that she knew why Ben had broken up with her all those years ago she felt even worse. He’d made the choice to protect her, but in reality he’d only hurt her. He’d apparently spent his adult life pining for her, but was angry that she’d looked for love after he’d told her to do just that in the damn letter.

She was so confused and hurt by his reaction. She didn’t know why he’d gotten so angry at her, and she was still reeling from everything that had been going on the past few days. The boy she’d known and loved was gone. Now she had to ask herself if the man in his place was someone she could love, or even someone she wanted to love.