A part of Ben was shocked when Allie didn’t run screaming from him the moment he suggested leaving. They’d spoken for maybe twenty minutes after fourteen years apart, and he’d offered her sex.

From the moment he’d sat down and they’d begun talking, every feeling he’d ever had for her had come rushing back. He’d remembered how her lips had felt on his skin as he’d watched her talk. He could almost feel her soft hand running over his body as she’d held his hand. The emotions he’d felt had been strong, and his physical desire for her had been almost palpable.

He wasn’t a monk. He’d been with his share of women since he and Allie had broken up, but no one had ever affected him the way she had.

While he’d been overseas he’d been celibate. Even after breaking up with Allie he’d kept to himself. Fraternization was strictly forbidden but it happened, a lot. There weren’t many women on the base but a few of them had shown him interest, only they weren’t Allie. After his tour had been over it had been almost six months before he’d felt the desire to be with someone again, and that had started a decade of short term and really short term relationships with a liberal sprinkling of one night stands mixed in. He’d spent his entire twenties going from casual fling to meaningless relationship, but by the time he’d turned thirty it had gotten old.

In the past three years he’d essentially stayed away from sex and relationships. He’d had a few casual things with exes or friends just to take the edge off when it had been too long, but there had been no promise of anything more than sex.

Allie was the only woman he’d ever loved. He wasn’t sure if it was because he’d closed himself off to ever feeling love again after they’d broken up, or because he’d never found another woman like her.

He wasn’t sure what he felt for her now, but he wanted her. Every fiber of his being was screaming for her, and it was taking all of his self-control not to pull her into his arms and kiss her breathless.

“Do you want to come to my place?” she asked as she came around the table and stood in front of him.

Fuck she was hot. She’d definitely mastered using her eyes to seduce someone. The way she was looking at him, biting her lip as she waited for his response, was incredibly hot. He wondered what else she did now that she hadn’t done back then.

“I have to get to mine, is that okay?”

“Sure. Did you drive?”

“I did. You?”

“Yes.”

“Meet me there?”

“Address?”

“2120 Lamira Way. It’s off Elkin and Bronson.”

“I know the area. Meet you there?”

“God yes.” He had to bite back his groan as Allie raked her eyes up his body, letting him see the passion and desire she was feeling for him. “Are you okay around dogs?”

“What?” She looked confused at the sudden change in conversation, and he didn’t blame her.

“Dogs. I have a dog.”

“Oh, yeah. I love dogs.”

“Great, so my place?”

“Your place.”

She fell into step beside him as they left the shop, then stayed by his side as he headed toward his car. He was about to ask her where she’d parked when she pulled a set of keys with a remote starter out of her hand and clicked the button. The car next to his beeped as it unlocked.

Allie didn’t saw a word as they went up to their cars, she just shook her head and laughed. He grinned at her and pulled open his door. Out of all of the parking spaces in the lot, somehow they’d ended up parked next to each other.

Ben climbed into his car and started it up, waiting a few seconds before putting it in gear. As he pulled out of the lot he saw Allie pull her car out behind him. It looked like she’d follow him back to his house.

He had no idea where her head was at or what she was looking for. He didn’t even know what he wanted or what he could offer. Right now all he knew was that he was getting another chance to be with the only woman he’d ever craved, the only one he’d never been able to shake or forget.

He was getting the chance to experience her as an adult, after they’d both had a chance to find their sexual identities.

* * * * *

Allie didn’t think as she followed Ben’s car. She just drove behind him and kept her thoughts on the fact that she was driving, and off the fact that she was going to Ben’s place to have sex with him.

He drove them to a decent area that was only a few minutes away from their old high school. It was a rental housing development that consisted mostly of row houses and some duplexes. It was a decent area and as far as she knew the rents were fair. A part of her was surprised he’d settle into a house if he wasn’t planning on staying permanently. An apartment would be a lot less work and a lot cheaper.

He lived off the main street on the outskirts of the development. She watched him pull into a parking spot in front of a rather large duplex, and looked around for a visitors’ lot. She was about to drive down to the end of the block when she saw the space next to him had a ‘V’ on the pole in front of it. It looked like he had his own visitor spot.

She pulled into the space and turned off her car. Ben had already climbed out and was waiting for her on the sidewalk.

Taking a deep breath she put her hand on the car door and pushed it open. It wasn’t until she was climbing out of her car that she realized she wasn’t nervous. They both knew why she was there and she knew it was nothing more than a hook-up between past lovers.

Normally she would have been nervous. Allie wasn’t cold or frigid, but she had a crippling fear of rejection, and had a hard time finding her confidence if she wasn’t familiar or comfortable with the person she was with. The best sexual encounters she’d had always happened after a few drinks, when her inhibitions were stripped away and she could be in the moment and stop overthinking everything.

She hadn’t had a drink since last night, and currently had a bucket load of caffeine booting through her system which was making her hyperaware of everything. She hoped she could keep her nerves at bay. If she was only going to have one more time with Ben then she wanted to experience everything.

When she was out of her car she pressed the lock button on her remote starter, and walked up to where he was waiting for her. His expression was so dark, so male and intense, she shivered slightly. When he reached out for her hand another pulse of electricity shot through her body and she had to stifle a gasp. If him holding her hand could make her react so strongly, what the hell would happen to her when he kissed her?

“Come on.” His voice was low and rumbled slightly as he nodded for her to follow him up the path to his house. She just swallowed and fell into step beside him.

She waited as he unlocked the door, but before opening it and leading her inside he paused and turned to her.

“Zeus is a service dog. When he sees us holding hands he’ll know you’re not a threat and he’ll accept you as a friend. He’s big and looks mean, but he’s a giant softie. Are you okay with all that?”

“Yeah.” She nodded and gripped his hand a little tighter. “Can I pet him if he’s a working dog?”

“You can.” He grinned. “Just let him come to you.”

“Okay.” She nodded again and waited as he opened the door.

As soon as the door swung open Allie understood why Ben had opted for a house over an apartment. There was an absolutely huge German Shepherd sitting right in front of the door. It was the biggest one she’d ever seen, and for a moment she was scared.

The dog was staring at her, almost as though it was sizing her up. His tail wasn’t wagging and his tongue wasn’t out. He wasn’t showing any of the familiar markers of being happy or friendly, and she was afraid he might attack her.

After a very long and tense moment Zeus got up and backed away from the door. Ben stepped inside first and pulled her in behind him.

“Hey buddy, this is Allie. Can you say hi to her?”

Allie held her breath as Zeus looked at her and then looked at her and Ben’s entwined hands. As soon as his gaze settled on their hands his face was transformed. His mouth dropped open so his tongue could fall out of his mouth, and his eyes widened. His tail wagged so hard it looked as though his butt might flop over if he wasn’t careful, and he bounded toward them.

She had no idea how a dog as big as Zeus could leap and bound so gracefully, but couldn’t help smiling as he came to a halt in front of her.

“Hi Zeus,” she said softly as she put out her free hand, and crouched down a bit so she wasn’t looming over him. “How are you?”

Zeus sniffed her hand and then slipped his head under her palm so it was resting on the top of his head. Then he looked up at her with begging eyes and she giggled.

“Good boy. You’re such a sweetie.” She rubbed her hand over his head, smiling as he pushed against her palm, forcing her to pet him harder. “It’s nice to meet you, too.”

Zeus closed his eyes for a moment and she swore he was grinning as she pet him. He might be huge, but Ben was right. He was a sweet dog.

“Okay buddy. Give daddy and Allie some alone time.”

Zeus’ eyes snapped open and he pulled his head away from her hand. His tongue darted out and he licked her fingers playfully before turning to Ben.

“Yes, Zeus. I’m happy to see you too.” Ben rubbed Zeus’ head for a second, and when Zeus seemed placated he whirled around and bounded away.

She felt Ben grip her hand a little tighter and turned to look at him. The moment her eyes landed on his she felt her breath catch. He was absolutely smoldering. Every thought outside of getting him upstairs to his room so she could rip his clothes off flew from her mind and her body tightened almost painfully.

Ben gave her a secret smile and pulled her into the house.

She didn’t think as she followed him up the stairs. She didn’t worry about what was going to happen, and if she would be able to let go as he brought her into a bedroom. Her mind went absolutely blank as he closed the door behind them and pressed her up against it.

“Oh!” She gasped as he moved his body so it was right up against hers, pushing her against the hard door.

“Allie,” he breathed as he moved his head so his lips were hovering right over hers.

“God, Ben.” She could barely think, hardly breathe, as his eyes bore into hers. All she could see was heat and desire, and wetness pooled between her legs as her nipples hardened against her bra.

Suddenly she could feel him growing hard against her abdomen, and almost whimpered as he gently ground his erection against her.

“Fuck.” She was having a hard time breathing. Every fiber of her being was tight and ready for him. She wanted him so badly she actually ached.

No one had ever had this much of an effect on her, and she let her eyes flutter closed as his lips moved toward hers.

His kiss was soft and exploratory. She’d expected it to be hot and hard, even a little rushed. In her experience kissing was the precursor to touching, and after the touching came sex. Men didn’t linger on the kissing or the touching because it was all about sex, not foreplay.

Ben didn’t seem to be in any hurry as his lips played and moved over hers. He didn’t push for her to go harder or even for her to open her mouth to him. He just kissed her.

She couldn’t stop the moan that escaped her throat, and after a long few minutes of just tasting and teasing each other, she needed more.

She parted her lips for him, moaning again when his tongue gently traced over her bottom lip before it slipped inside her mouth and came to rest against hers.

It was as though lust and sensuality were dripping from his very pores. There was so much feeling, so much desire and even promise behind each and every movement. It was as if he was getting lost in her.

She’d never, ever, been kissed like this before in her life, and she started to feel a little lightheaded.

Ben must have sensed that she was feeling a bit unsteady, and he gripped her waist a little tighter. She thought he was just helping her stay on her feet, but he had other plans.

“Oh!” she cried out against his kiss as she found herself being lifted off the ground and hauled against his hard and strong body. She tried to pull her lips from his, terrified he would drop her, or worse, fall down with her, but he kept his kiss hard and insistent.

She wrapped her legs around his waist as she gripped his shoulders, half in fear of falling and half out of desire to feel more of him.

He just held her tight and slowly began walking them toward his queen-sized bed.

He stopped when his legs hit the mattress and gently lowered her down until she was lying on the bed. Keeping one arm around her waist and using the other for leverage, he pulled her up until she was in the middle of the mattress, and then lay over her.

Allie’s head was spinning. Between his kisses, his strength and the sheer masculinity he was exuding, she was getting overwhelmed.

“God!” She blinked as he pulled his lips from hers and smiled down at her. “Fuck.” She didn’t have the brainpower to think of something more eloquent to say, not while he was on top of her and staring down at her as though she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

He gave her a quick, nipping kiss and set to pulling off her clothes.

She lay back as he undressed her, lifting her body and hips so he could get her clothes off and toss them aside. When she was left in just her bra and panties he sat back on his heels and reached into his pocket.

He pulled out a beat up leather wallet and thumbed out a condom. She bit her lip as he tossed the wallet aside and pressed the condom into her hand. It took a moment for him to rip off his clothes, and she could only stare at him.

The last time she’d seen him naked he’d been lean and strong, but had still had a youthful body. Now he was strong and built. His muscles didn’t ripple or bulge, but they were still defined and incredible. She noticed several scars on his torso and a few on his arms, and briefly wondered what had happened to him, but her gaze was drawn downwards. Her eyes ran down his tight and taut stomach until she settled on his cock.

He was still as perfect as she remembered, but he seemed bigger. Was that even possible?

When she looked up at his face she found him grinning at her. She blushed and bit her lip. At least he appreciated her staring at him.

She opened her mouth to apologize but he just lay back over her, kissing her silent before slipping his hands behind her to unclasp her bra. As he moved his body down he stripped it off, stopping when his mouth was lined up with her breast.

“God!” she cried out as his tongue traced around her nipple, teasing the sensitive nub as his hand gripped and squeezed her breast.

Allie had always had extremely sensitive nipples, and pleasure shot through her body and right into her womb as he closed his mouth over it and began suckling her.

“Fuck, oh god!”

The fingers on his other hand flicked and tweaked her other nipple, and she involuntarily squeezed her legs together as she tried not to scream. Pressure was building as pleasure spiraled around inside her body, and she felt as though she was on the brink of orgasm.

“Fuck, oh my god.” She bit her lip and squeezed her eyes closed. She didn’t think she could actually come from having her nipples stimulated, but it felt incredible.

After a moment Ben grunted against her skin and released her breasts. She was about to cry out in protest, until he began moving lower down her body.

He pushed her legs apart so he could settle between them, and Allie looked down the line of her body at him. He grinned up at her and she lifted her hand to bite her fingers. If his tongue was half as nimble on her clit as it had been on her nipples, she would be screaming in no time.

She watched as Ben lowered his mouth to her, and fell back with a cry the moment he ran just the tip of his tongue up her slit.

“Oh my god. Oh my god!” She ripped her hand away from her mouth and instead gripped the surface of the comforter. There was no point trying to keep silent as he brought her higher and higher toward her release.

“Oh fuck. Yes, yes baby! Just like that,” she encouraged as he moved his tongue hard and fast against her. “Yes, like that. Please baby, a little more!”

She felt two of his fingers slide deep inside her channel and she was lost.

Her orgasm didn’t just break, it exploded. She screamed and writhed, crying out to him and for him as she let the pleasure wash over her.

Ben pulled his mouth from her mound and moved up her body so he could kiss her, swallowing her cries as she jerked and shook beneath him.

“Oh god. Ben.” When the last of the pleasure subsided she opened her eyes and looked up at him. “Wow.”

“God, Allie. You’re still perfect. Every inch of you is perfect.”

She blushed at his words, only then realizing his fingers were still deep inside her. It should have felt weird. Normally that would have made her uncomfortable, but with Ben the physical connection was nice. It made her feel closer to him after sharing something so earth shattering. It made her feel like he wanted to be in the moment with her and share her pleasure, instead of just taking his own.

As he lay over her she smiled and began moving her hand between them. After that mind-bending orgasm, she could certainly return the favor.

“It’s okay. I’m good to go after watching you.” He shook his head and shifted away from her before she could touch him.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” He nodded and smiled down at her. “Seeing your pleasure was enough for me.”

She blushed at his words and fumbled with the condom package she was still gripping in her hand, and ripped it open. If he wouldn’t let her pleasure him then she at least wanted to touch him as she rolled the condom on.

Ben sucked in a breath as she quickly put the condom on him, relishing the feel of his hard cock under her hands. She really wanted to stroke him and feel all of him in her hand, but he didn’t seem to want to wait a second longer before he was inside her.

He shifted slightly so he was resting between her legs with their pelvises pressed together. He bent his head and kissed her deeply as he shifted so his cock was right at her opening before slowly pushing into her.

“Oh!” She gasped against his lips as he filled her. At eighteen Ben had seemed very large to her, and now that he was older he seemed bigger than she remembered. It was true he was long, but it was his girth that set him apart from the other men she’d been with.

“Fuck. God, Allie. You feel so fucking good.”

“Oh yes, yes, Ben.”

He groaned and buried his face in her shoulder as he began to move inside her. His strokes were a little erratic and fast, but after the first few thrusts he slipped into the perfect spot. The tip of his cock tickled her G-spot, and she thought she might scream as her body tightened in a way she’d never felt before.

“Oh yes. Yes!” she cried out as she held Ben tight, running one hand through his hair as the other pulled his chiseled body against hers. “Oh yes, yes!”

“Fuck, Allie.” He grunted and pressed his lips into the crook of her neck. “Oh shit.”

She could feel his muscles tighten as his breathing became very choppy and almost uncontrolled. It was then she realized he was close.

She wasn’t, and there was no point trying to drag it out. It didn’t matter if sex lasted one minute or one hour, she wasn’t built to have vaginal orgasms and she’d accepted it. After so many years of never reaching that end, she’d learned to find pleasure in the connection she shared with someone, not just the feelings they created in her body. Plus he’d given her an incredibly powerful orgasm during the foreplay, so she was technically already ahead.

“Yes, come on, Ben,” she whispered in his ear as she held him close. “Come for me, baby.”

Ben grunted against her skin and pulled away, his cock falling right out of her as he did. There was fire and desire blazing in his eyes, and a touch of something she couldn’t quite place.

“Fuck!” she cried out as he shoved two fingers deep inside her and began fucking her with them.

“Come for me, Allie. Come now. I want to watch you again.”

“Oh god. Oh god, Ben. Fuck.”

“Come on, babe.” His pace was really erratic and she could feel his back muscles bulging as she held him tight.

“A little more.” She squeezed her eyes closed and gave herself over to the moment. She’d never felt this close to orgasm so fast before, and when he pressed the heel of his hand against her clit she was lost.

“Oh fuck!”

Her orgasm hit her hard and fast and she gave herself over to it. When the last of the pleasure dissipated he pulled his fingers from her and slipped inside her once again.

“Fuck.” She shook her head. “Oh god, fuck you feel good.”

Ben grinned down at her and began stroking in and out of her. He kept his pace constant and hard, and she loved every second of it. 

“Oh, oh…oh fuck,”

“Yeah, come on, Allie.”

“Fuck, Ben.” She bit her lip hard as the pleasure began to build and she felt herself hovering in that moment between pleasure and orgasm. “Fuck!”

The pressure broke and she was almost consumed with pleasure as her mind clouded over. She’d never been able to have more than one orgasm in a single session before, but Ben had already brought her to new heights with the three she’d already had. She wouldn’t be able to hit a fourth one, not without some sort of extra stimulation, but that wasn’t such a bad thing. Her mind was already cloudy and her skin and body felt hyperaware. Three had been incredible, four just might be too much. She stopped thinking about it and instead focused on Ben and on staying present in the moment with him.

Between the attention he’d shown her and the effort he’d put into pleasuring her, this was the best sex of her life, and it had nothing to do with her orgasms.

With a groan Ben pressed his forehead against hers, closing his eyes as he gave into his pleasure.

Allie felt him pulse inside her a moment before he jerked against her and cried out. The moment he stopped moving her skin began to tingle and her arousal began to fade. She was utterly and completely satisfied. That had been perfect.

She just held him close as he lay over her. The majority of his weight was being supported by his arms so she pulled him down so he was laying on her. She didn’t care how heavy he was, she needed to feel him.

After a long moment Ben rolled them over, keeping her tight against his body as he lay on his back. She snuggled up against his chest and smiled as he kissed her forehead.

“Wow, Allie.”

“Yeah, wow,” she agreed.

“So, better than you remember it?”

Allie laughed and looked up at him. He was grinning down at her and she shook her head.

“You were great before, considering our age, but that was beyond anything I could have imagined.”

“Really?” He raised his eyebrow and gave her a cocky grin. “You enjoyed it then?”

“You know I did.” She playfully slapped him on the stomach. “You certainly did.”

“I did.” A serious look fell over his face and she wondered what he was thinking about.

“Ben?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Okay, if you’re sure.”

“It’s been a while for me,” he said slowly after a long pause. “And it hasn’t really ever been like that.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. There was a time, my whole twenties really, where I fucked everyone and anyone I wanted. It was all empty. I guess it was a way to escape feeling anything. I substituted sex for emotions and I thought that would be enough.”

“Like a sex addict?”

“Not quite to that level. It wasn’t a compulsion. It was a coping skill. A bad one, mind you, but a way to feel better. Even though the high only lasted until the glow wore off, I couldn’t seem to find a way to shut it down.”

“What changed?”

“I turned thirty and realized I wasn’t happy with anything. I was tired of being the playboy asshole. I didn’t want to have an endless stream of meaningless sex because I finally figured out that’s not what I was looking for. I wanted more, so I stopped being that guy and tried to be someone better.”

She was a little surprised at the confession, but pleased he seemed to trust her. It was at that moment she decided to tell him the truth.

“It’s been a long time for me too.” Her voice caught as she had to force the words out. “The last time was…not very good.”

“Allie? What do you mean?” Ben shifted so he could cradle her body as he looked down at her.

“It was…”

“What happened to you?” he asked softly. “You can tell me.”

“I was always kind of the opposite. I didn’t want sex if there wasn’t something emotional there. I guess I supplemented the physical when the emotional was lacking a bit just to try and feel something. I was always looking for love but settled for attraction and attention.”

“Go on,” he urged when she paused.

“I’ve always had a hard time letting go and being present. Basically if I wasn’t drunk or on my way to drunk, my mind would go a mile a minute and I could never relax. About a year ago I went out with some friends. We were having fun, having some drinks, flirting…you know, the normal stuff.”

“I get it. We’ve all done it,” he said softly.

“I was talking with this guy. He was charming and after buying me a few drinks I started feeling sick. I was woozy and out of it. I had trouble talking and could barely stand …”

“Was it the alcohol or something else?” Ben’s arm tightened around her and she could hear the tension in his voice.

“It was something else. I don’t have a lot of memories, but I remember enough. The clearest part is when I woke up the next morning in my front hallway with half my clothes missing …” She shook her head and looked away.

“Oh, Allie. I’m so sorry.” Ben pulled her into a hug and she fought the tears prickling in her eyes.

“That was the last time I was with someone. I haven’t been able to trust anyone I don’t know since that. What he did was horrible enough, but the fact that it was in my home and I was helpless is the part I really couldn’t get over. It’s the reason I moved back here. I had to get away from that life and those memories, and that house.”

“I’m so sorry, Allie. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”

As he gently pressed his lips against her temple he began stroking her hair. That touch was her undoing. Nothing comforted her more than having her hair stroked, and Ben had always known exactly when she needed it.

She didn’t try to stop her tears as they spilled out of her eyes and a deep sob escaped her lips. Ben pulled her tighter against his body, running his hand through her hair as he kissed her forehead over and over again. He didn’t try and soothe her or tell her that everything was going to be okay. He just held her and let her cry.

This was the first time Allie had given into the pain and humiliation since that night. It was the first time she’d let herself be vulnerable in a year, and the first time she’d truly let herself feel everything.

Being raped had been hard enough to deal with, but the fact that she’d been incapacitated had made it harder for her. She hadn’t had the option of saying no or fighting, she’d been completely at her attacker’s mercy. The drugs had affected her memory so she didn’t have too many clear recollections of the man himself, just generally what he looked like and the obviously fake name he’d given her.

Not remembering everything was hard too because her mind kept filling in the blanks even when she didn’t want it to. The entire assault had been incredibly traumatizing, but it was the fact that this man had been able to take her out of a bar and to her house while she’d been incapacitated that really fucked with her head.

How many people had seen her being dragged out of there, unable to stand or speak for herself? How many people had wondered if she was okay or in trouble but never bothered to look into it? And how many people had ignored her while she’d been at the mercy of a rapist.

It was hard to think about how many people chose not to help her, but the hardest part was that he’d taken her home.

Her house had been her sanctuary. It was the one place in the world where she had complete control and felt comfortable and at ease. When he’d brought her home and raped her in her hallway before leaving her like a piece of discarded trash, that’s when her world had been truly shattered.

He’d destroyed her sanctuary. She didn’t feel safe in her own home anymore and she could never escape what had happened. She’d put her house up for sale within the week and she’d moved as soon as it sold. On a whim she’d come home, hoping to escape the memories and pain.

“Shhh, it’s okay, Allie,” Ben soothed. “I’m here. I’ve got you.”

At his words she began to cry even harder. He used to say that when she was hurt or scared, when he was giving her one of his awesome hugs or comforting her. Hearing it again was so soothing and incredible, but what did it all mean?

Was he there for her in the sense that he was holding her and comforting her, or was he saying he wanted to be in her life again?

When she’d come to his house the only thing on her mind was having one more night with Ben. One night of sex so she could experience what it was like to be with him as an adult. Confessing what had happened to her had never been part of the plan, and she had to wonder why she’d told him.

He’d opened up and confessed something big to her, but she’d spilled her deepest and darkest demon to him without a second thought. After spending so long bottling it up inside, never even seeking help beyond testing for STIs and pregnancy, and never telling her friends the truth.

Ben was the first person she’d ever told the whole story to, and he was a virtual stranger now.

“Allie, look at me.”

At his words she blinked her eyes and shook her head slightly. She hadn’t even realized she’d stopped crying and was laying against him passive and limp.

“Allie, what happened to you isn’t your fault. I know how you used to be. You always internalized everything and blamed yourself for anything that happened around you. This had nothing to do with you and there’s nothing you did to cause it, and there’s nothing you could have done to prevent it.”

She bit her lip as adrenaline poured out of her glands and swirled through her body. He’d just touched on her deepest fear about the whole incident. She blamed herself.

“If you ever believe anything I tell you, believe this. That asshole did this. It was him. It doesn’t matter if you flirted or what you were wearing. It doesn’t matter if you took the drinks or if you were thinking about leaving with him. He took your power away because he’s a sick, disgusting excuse for a man. He did this to you. Him, not you.”

“How can you still know me like this?” she asked softly, blinking back a fresh layer of tears. She was done crying about what had happened. She was done letting him make her feel like she was still a victim.

“You were my best friend for eleven years. We might be older and have lived separate lives, but I don’t believe you’d ever fundamentally change who you are.”

“You still feel like you, if that makes any sense.”

“I thought the same thing when you shook my hand.”

“I don’t know what any of this means.”

“Neither do I.”

“I don’t know what I want or what I can handle.”

“I’ve been trying to figure that out for years.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Why do you have Zeus? Normally people get service dogs for a reason…”

He looked at her and then sighed. “I have PTSD.”

“And that’s why you got out?”

“I tried to deal with it. I tried for years to put it aside and compartmentalize it. There was a lot of shit that built-up and I couldn’t handle it. I kept quiet and tried to push past it, but then four years ago I was in a training accident. We were on our way to the range when the Jeep I was in rolled over. I was lucky. When we settled two other guys in the Jeep weren’t. Ian, the driver, he hadn’t put on his seatbelt and had ended up under the Jeep. Kevin, in the back behind me, hit the rollbar and broke his neck. I walked away with only scratches from the shattering glass. They both died.”

“I’m so sorry, I can only imagine how hard that was for you.”

“It fucked me up. I did three tours overseas. I saw a lot of guys get hurt, a lot die, but other than some superficial shit I survived. I was one of the lucky ones. The big difference with the accident was that we were at home. We were only a few clicks from the base, and it was a Tuesday morning.” He shook his head and closed his eyes for a moment, his arm tightening around her slightly. “It was a routine exercise. We’d done it a dozen times and should have been out and back in a few hours. When I was on tour I expected shit to happen. You didn’t leave the FOB, sorry, forward operating base, without expecting to be shot at and to have to shoot back. We knew that every time we got in a vehicle it could drive over a mine and every trip out could be our last.

“I made it through all of that when so many didn’t, my own fucking men didn’t, and then I lost two friends at home where we were supposed to be safe.”

“Do you feel guilty for surviving?” she asked softly.

“Every damn day.”

“It’s not your fault. You know that, right?”

“I do, but I can’t help thinking that at least one of those times it should have been me. Why was I so lucky when I was right there?”

“You mean the car accident?”

“Not just that.” He shook his head and then kissed her hair. She could tell he was struggling with telling her about this. He was staring straight up at the ceiling and his body was tense and rigid.

“You don’t have to tell me if it’s too hard.” The last thing she wanted to do was trigger and hurt him.

“I’m okay. I feel the need to tell you, if that makes sense.”

“It does.” She nodded. “Do you need Zeus?”

He shook his head and looked into her eyes.

“Tell me what you need, okay? Tell me if I’m making things harder or if you need something—”

“I just need you.”

“You’ve got me.”

His jaw tightened at her words and he nodded.

“I watched a lot of men die. Friendlies and enemies. Ours and theirs. Some standing next to me, or in front of me would get hit, blown up, and I’d be fine. I seemed to have a horseshoe up my ass, and better men than me were dying when it could have been me.

“When we were in camp it was relatively safe. There were a few times we had to worry about mortars or other attacks, but it was the one place we could relax and try to forget where we were. At the end of my third tour one of the men under me was struggling. I was trying to get him out of there, to get him home, but the fucking paperwork was taking forever. We were short bodies and they were dragging their heels. One night I went to check on him. I’d managed to arrange a Skype call with his wife for later that night and I wanted to give him something to look forward to. I was halfway there when I heard a single shot…”

“Oh god…”

“I should have taken his gun. I knew he wasn’t stable. I knew he was struggling, but I was so busy trying to arrange a transfer I didn’t think of what he might do in the meantime. I wasn’t worried about him hurting one of ours so I never thought of him hurting himself.”

“Ben, you can’t blame yourself for that.”

“He had his gun because I didn’t take it from him.”

“Do you really think that would have stopped him? I have no idea what it’s like on a base, but wouldn’t he have access to other guns?”

“Yeah.” He looked down at her.

“If he was determined to do it, to take his own life, then he would have found a way. You were trying to help him. You saw what he was going through and you were trying to get him help. That’s what you need to focus on. Your actions, not his.”

“It’s hard not to play the ‘what if’ game.”

“I know, believe me.”

“I’ve never been able to tell anyone that. Not the whole story.”

“No?”

“No.” He shifted her so she was laying over his body and he could look up at her. “That incident with Vince fucked me up. Seeing my friends, the men I was supposed to be in charge of and keeping safe hurt and dying…holding bloody hands and lying to them as they were dying, telling them they were going to be fine when I knew they weren’t. I’ve written dozens and dozens, if not hundreds, of letters to widows and kids who lost their dads, parents who lost a son. Girlfriends, boyfriends, even grandparents. If there was someone on their file then I wrote them a letter telling them about their loved one. I tried to give the last moments of their life meaning, and made the letters as personal as I could so they felt like someone cared. That their lives mattered and they weren’t just a number. I wanted to make sure they knew I would always remember them as a person and hold a part of them with me. I wanted to make sure they knew how much I cared about them.”

She just stared at him as he held her tight.

“I came home. I was one of the lucky ones. I don’t know why or how those bullets, the RPGs and the IEDs missed me. I have no idea how I survived three fucking years over there while some guys didn’t even see a week. I just knew that I had to make their families understand that their sacrifice wasn’t in vain. They weren’t just a number or a rank or a name on a wall. They were my friends, my brothers…”

Allie shifted up his body as tears spilled over his eyes. He was crying silently, the same as he used to when they were kids.

“You did a wonderful thing, Ben. You gave their families closure and you did exactly what you set out to. You showed them that their son or husband or brother was loved and he wasn’t alone. He mattered and his legacy would always live on.”

“The first letter I wrote, I was still a private. It was during my first tour, three weeks in. I was a nobody and I barely knew Tim, but all I could think about was what my death would do to my parents, my family. To you. I couldn’t let it go and I wrote three letters. I sent one to his mom, his dad and his sister, and I felt like I was writing to my own family.”

“And you kept doing it?”

“Every time.” He nodded. “I heard back from a lot of them thanking me, and a few stayed in touch for a while. Some of the letters were returned unopened and others wrote back and poured their anger and grief onto me.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I was just glad they had an outlet. It’s better they lashed out at me, a stranger, than their family or kids. If they needed to curse me out and use me as a sounding board to help get over their anger than I was glad to be there.”

“You have an incredible heart, Ben. I’ve known that since the day I met you, but you’ve only become kinder and better.”

“You do too, Allie. I’ve always thought you were the kindest and most resilient person I’ve ever known.”

“I don’t feel so resilient now.”

“Trust me when I say you’re one of the strongest people I know. You’ve dealt with so much. Things no child or woman ever should, and you’re still perfect.”

“I’m far from perfect.” She shook her head and gave him a small smile.

“Join the club.” He grinned, all traces of his tears or bad mood gone.

“As long as I get to be president.”

“Fine, but I get to be your second.”

“Deal.” She glanced up and saw a clock next to the bed. It was getting late. “I have to work tomorrow. I should get home.”

“Yeah, and I need to clean up.” He grinned. “Things are a little…”

“Crusty?”

“Gross. I was going to say dry.”

“That works too.”

He leaned up to give her a kiss and squeezed her tight.

She closed her eyes and pulled as much comfort and familiarity out of the hug as she could. She had no idea what the hell was going on or what she was doing. Right then she just wanted to enjoy his hug and think about all that crap later.