Allie barely slept.

She’d gotten home and her father’s car had still been gone. Her mother had passed out on the couch so she’d just gone up to her room, changed into her pajamas and crawled into bed.

As she’d lain in bed she’d been numb. The best moment of her life had turned into the worst and she was having a hard time processing everything.

Ben had told her he loved her. They’d made love. She’d lost her virginity to him, and then while they should have been enjoying the afterglow they’d been interrupted.

She was humiliated and felt a little violated. Ashley had never been nice to her. When Ashley and Ben had had their little fling around Christmas she’d openly blamed Allie for getting in the way when Ben had told her they weren’t going to be serious. Josh wasn’t a bad guy but he could be a bit of a jerk to people who weren’t popular. It was true he’d never been mean to her because of her friendship with Ben, but he’d been mean to her friends in the past.

To have them see such an intimate moment was mortifying, and then to hear what Ashley had said after the interruption had been too much.

She knew Ben. They’d been best friends for a decade. If he’d told her that he loved her, if he’d made love to her, then he meant it. He would never hurt her, she knew that. If he told her he wasn’t interested in Ashley and he hadn’t invited her to his room than she believed him. Ashley was a catty bitch and a liar so Allie would believe Ben over her any day.

She’d been in love with Ben for years, since she’d been old enough to understand what she was feeling. After all those years of wishing she could tell him how she felt and trying to push her feelings aside, he’d told her that he loved her too. He’d wanted to be with her and he’d been so incredible and perfect. All of the love she felt for him had been poured into their lovemaking, and to have it interrupted that way had almost ruined it.

They should have had a chance to process, to enjoy what had happened and to cuddle and maybe talk about it, but all that had been interrupted and she’d lost the moment.

* * * * *

When Allie woke up in the morning she felt unrested. She’d only managed to catch a few hours sleep and was still tired and cranky.

She had no idea when Ben would be home and she had no idea what the rest of his night had been like, but she’d put off calling him after she’d dragged herself out of bed at noon. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to talk to him, it was that she didn’t know what to say.

Everything had changed last night. Nothing about their relationship was the same and she didn’t know what he wanted. She loved him, and now that they’d been together she needed to keep being with him. There was no way she could turn her feelings off and go back to being friends. If he didn’t want to be with her than she would lose him, and that terrified her.

By two o’clock she was tired of hiding in her room. They had to talk about it, there was no use stalling the inevitable. With a sigh she picked up her extension and dialed his number. His sister picked up on the third ring.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Nicole, is Ben home?”

“Yeah, one second.” She heard a muffled shouting through the phone and a moment later Ben came over the line.

“Allie?”

“Hi.”

“I was worried you weren’t going to call.”

“I promised I would. I think we need to talk.”

“Do you want me to pick you up?”

“Please.”

“Twenty minutes?”

“I’ll be outside.”

She heard him hang up the phone and couldn’t help smiling. Ben wasn’t a goodbye kind of guy. He always hung up without saying goodbye. Even in person he usually didn’t say goodbye before leaving.

She went downstairs and headed into the kitchen. She needed to eat something before she met up with him.

“Allie, your dad left us again.”

She heard the tearful voice behind her and rolled her eyes, her hand still on the door to the fridge.

Her father had moved in and out of the house so many times she hardly even noticed it now. The first time she remembered it happening she’d been five years old. She’d come home with her school pictures and found her dad in the hallway with a suitcase next to him. He’d told her he had to leave for a while and he didn’t know when he would see her again.

She’d cried and grabbed him in a hug and begged him to stay or take her with him. He’d pried her off of him, picked up his suitcase and walked out of the door.

She’d cried for days and watched at the window for hours. After two weeks he’d come home and she’d been so happy she hadn’t left his side for a full day.

That had been the start of a cycle that was so common now she hardly noticed if he was home or not. If it had been a few days and she hadn’t seen him she would look for his spare work boots. If his boots were gone that meant he’d left, again.

Her mother had never left. She’d just kicked him out then welcomed him back before booting him out again.

“I don’t know if he’s ever coming home.”

She sighed and turned around to face her mother, half curious as to what she would be wearing today.

Her mother was thirty-five and dressed like a stripper. She was attractive and had a great body, and she loved to show off her assets. She paraded around in skin-tight cutout dresses, miniskirts, halter tops, leggings, and shirts so tight they looked painted on. Her hair was always big, her makeup was always heavy and she doused herself in a very strong and cheap smelling perfume.

Everyone at school knew about her mother’s reputation, and more than one boy had tried to become friends with her in hopes of getting close to her mother.

By Allie’s count her mom had slept with seven guys in her class. She’d seen four of them in her house while her dad was moved out, and the other three had been sure to tell her at school how they’d banged her mom.

Today she was wearing jean shorts so short her butt cheeks were hanging out of them and a shirt so tiny it looked like a sports bra. Her hair was kind of flat and her makeup was smeared. She looked horrible, but it could be the hangover and not the emotional pain of dad being gone, again.

“He’ll be home, Mom.” She purposely ignored her mother’s outfit. “He always comes home.”

“I don’t know if I want him to,” her mother said, her tone going from tearful to angry instantly. “He’s a fucking asshole. I hate him.”

This was also part of the routine. Her mom would be sad that dad left, then she would be angry, then she would blame Allie. It was so predictable it didn’t even phase her anymore.

“It’s your fault, you ruined us,” her mother said angrily as she glared at her. “Without you everything would be perfect.”

“I know, Mom. Sorry you decided to keep me.” Allie sighed and walked around her mother so she could put on her shoes. She wouldn’t be eating today.

“Where are you going?”

“Out.”

“With Ben?”

She couldn’t help but hear the tone her mother used, like she was talking about a hot man she was lusting after. It was disgusting.

“With no one.” She slipped on her shoes and rushed out of the door, not even bothering to say goodbye.

She walked halfway down the block to her and Ben’s usual meeting spot.

Ben had stopped coming by her house if her mother was home when they were sixteen. Her mother had always flirted with him and said some suggestive things, but since he’d been around for so long it had been pretty tame. When they’d turned sixteen she’d ramped it up, and one day while he’d been waiting for her to come down from changing her clothes, Allie had walked in on her mother sitting beside him on the couch. One of her hands had been on his thigh and the other slipping under the back of his shirt while he’d looked as though he didn’t know whether to bolt or die of embarrassment. That was the last time he’d come over when her mother was home.

She had just reached their spot when she saw his car come around the corner. When he pulled up and leaned over to open the door for her she couldn’t help grinning as she looked at him. He truly was the most handsome boy she’d ever seen, and as soon as she saw him every feeling she had for him came rushing back to her.

“Hi,” he said as she slid into the car.

“Hi.” She blushed as she looked at him.

Taking a deep breath he leaned forward and kissed her. It wasn’t a really long or passionate kiss, but it was nice and made some of her fear melt away.

“You okay?” he asked as he pulled back onto the street. “I mean right now. Did something happen at home?”

“Mom.” She shook her head. “Dad left again last night so when she saw me she did the routine.”

“What did she say about you this time?”

“I ruined their lives. Apparently their lives would be perfect if I wasn’t around to ruin everything.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’ve heard it a thousand times in a hundred different ways.” She shrugged.

“Hungry?”

“How did you know?”

“Because I know you.” He grinned at her. “Burgers?”

“Oh yes.” She nodded and gave him a big grin.

They went through a drive-thru and picked up some burgers, fries and a chocolate shake to split. He parked the car in the back of the lot and they ate in the car, dipping their fries in the shake as they did.

It was comfortable, and when they finished eating he suggested they go to his house.

“Your family home?” she asked when he pulled into the driveway. Their other car was gone.

“Mom and dad are out for the day. They went up to see Nan. Nicole is doing something with someone, I have no idea.” He shrugged. “She was pissed at me for tying up the phone line.”

“We talked for like twenty seconds.” She laughed.

“I know. Apparently I ruined her life.”

“Oh to be fifteen again.” She giggled as they climbed out of the car. “When everything is the end of the world.”

“I was never like that at fifteen.”

“No, but you weren’t a girl.”

“You weren’t like that,” he pointed out as they headed up to his room.

“Yeah, that’s true.” She grinned. “But pretty much every other girl we know was.”

“True.” He laughed. “Guess I’m lucky you skipped that phase.”

“You are,” she agreed and followed him into his room.

Even though there was no one home he still closed the door behind them, and when he turned toward her she was suddenly nervous again.

“Allie?” he asked as he looked at her.

“Can we sit?”

He nodded and they sat on his bed, a few feet apart and facing each other.

“You got home okay?” he asked when she didn’t start.

“It was fine.” She nodded and looked down at the bedspread as she ran her hand over it.

“I’m sorry about what happened.”

“I know. It wasn’t your fault, I know that.”

“How are you? Like how are you feeling?”

“I’m mortified,” she admitted. “But I’ve had a chance to think things through.”

“And?”

“I believe you. I know you never invited her. That she lied to me.”

He let out a breath and closed his eyes for a moment. “How are you feeling about what happened between us?” he asked quietly as he looked at her again.

She blushed and looked up at him. “It was amazing, Ben. It was the best moment of my life.”

He grabbed her hand and held it tight. “Mine too, Allie. I didn’t hurt you too bad, did I?”

“No, it wasn’t too bad.” She blushed as a rush of memories came back to her. “Just at first.”

“And before, that was okay?”

“That was amazing.” She knew her face was scarlet, but she managed to hold his gaze. “You’re good at that.”

He chuckled and shook his head. “My research paid off.”

“What?”

“I’ve never done that for someone before. I just kind of copied what I’d seen.”

“Seen?”

“In porn.”

“Oh.” She blushed again, but grinned at him. It was nice to hear she was the only girl he’d ever given oral sex to. It made her feel special. “You’re a quick study.”

“I’m just glad you enjoyed it, and I didn’t hurt you too badly.”

“I really did. I wish it hadn’t ended like that. It kind of ruined things.”

“But you don’t regret it?”

“Of course not. I could never regret anything that happens between us.”

“I’m so glad. Tell me honestly, were you drunk at all?” he asked seriously. “I’m worried you might have had too much to drink and I took ad—“

“I was a little tipsy. But I wasn’t drunk, not at all.”

“Thank god.” He gripped her hand even tighter.

“What happens now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are we together? Are we friends again? What are we?”

“We’re still best friends, but I kind of thought we’d be together. Do you not want that?”

“I want that.” She gripped his hand in both of hers. “That’s all I want.”

He let out another breath and moved closer to her on the bed, pulling her against his body so he could hug her.

She melted against him and sighed into his strong chest.

“I love you,” he said as he kissed her hair. “I’ve loved you for years.”

“I love you too,” she said with a smile as she snuggled closer to him. “I have for a long time.”

“We’re soulmates, Allie. I can’t imagine not having you in my life.”

“I feel the same way.” She smiled as he pulled away from her so he could look down at her.

“I…”

“What?” she asked when he paused. “Ben?”

“I have to tell you something. I was going to tell you last night but I didn’t get a chance.”

“What?”

“It’s about when school is over,” he started.

“What about it? I know it’s going to be hard going to schools in different cities, but your family is here and you swore we wouldn’t lose touch—”

“I’m not going to college,” he cut in.

“What?” She just stared at him. “Why not?”

“Because I’m enlisting in the marines.”

It felt as though the world just stopped for a moment and time stood still as his words echoed in her ears.

“What?” she asked when she was finally able to speak.

“I’m enlisting.”

“In the marines?”

“Yes.”

“Why?” She pulled out of his arms and shook her head. “What?”

“I have to. I’ve been thinking about it all year, since the attacks in September.”

“And when were you going to tell me about this?” She jumped up. She couldn’t sit with him right then. So many thoughts were cascading around in her head she could barely stand still as she tried to process what was happening.

“I didn’t tell anyone. I haven’t even told my parents yet.”

“So you’re just going to join the marines because of what happened in September?”

“You know how much it affected me—”

“It affected everyone,” she cut in desperately. “But that doesn’t mean you have to join the marines and go to war.”

“I have to do something, Allie.”

“Why?”

“All those people. Seeing the towers fall like that? People jumping—”

“It was horrible, awful. But why you? Why do you have to do something about it?”

“I just have to.”

“And what about me? I’m just supposed to be okay with this?”

“You were fine with me going to school seven hours away.”

“Yeah, but that was school.” She shook her head. “The worst thing I would have to worry about was you getting drunk and fucking some skank. Not you being shipped off to a war to be killed.”

“Allie—”

“How can you do this? In one breath you tell me you love me and we’re soulmates, and the next you’re telling me how you’re going to enlist in the marines.” She shook her head as the world started to spin the slightest bit around her. “So I get a summer with you and then you’ll be gone for god knows how long and end up god knows where?”

“I’m leaving before the summer is over.”

“What?”

“I’ve already talked to the recruiter. I did the interview and I took the aptitude test. I just have the medical left and then I should get an offer right away.”

“What?”

“I’ve been eighteen for six months. Three months ago I went in to talk to them and I started the process.”

“So you just have to do the medical and they’ll give you a job and you’ll be leaving for basic training? How long do we have?”

“They said it could be as little as three weeks. My medical is on Monday after my exams.”

“We graduate in two weeks. It’s the start of finals.”

“They said they would let me graduate, but after that I don’t know.”

“So you’re really leaving?”

He nodded.

“I don’t know how to take this.” She could feel tears gathering in her eyes as the panic faded and sadness washed over her.

He was leaving. He was going to join the military while they were at war. He was going to go to war, and he could die. She could lose him.

At that last thought it was as though her heart broke and her body gave out. Her legs crumbled as a sob escaped her lips, and she couldn’t do anything to stop herself from falling. 

“Allie!” He jumped up and grabbed her as she started to fall, cradling her as he carried her over to his bed. She buried her face in his chest as she sobbed and cried, unable to get the image of his lifeless body in a coffin out of her mind.

 

Ben just held her close, stroking her hair as he let her cry.

He’d wanted to tell her last night. He’d started to tell her as they’d been dancing, but he’d lost his head and hadn’t had a chance to say anything before they’d made love.

He’d wanted to tell her before anyone else. He’d thought he’d be telling his best friend about his plan to enlist, not telling his girlfriend he was leaving her right after grad. Being with Allie was the best thing that had ever happened to him, but the timing was horrible. They’d only just gotten together and now he had to leave her.

“Allie,” he said softly. “This isn’t the end of us.”

“You’re leaving.” She pulled away from him. Her eyes were red and tears were still leaving wet trails on her cheeks. He felt horrible seeing her so upset. “We finally get together and you’re going to leave me.”

“Not forever.” He shook his head. “We would have been separated if we were both going to school. That wouldn’t have stopped us then.”

“You think we can make it work?” she asked as she wiped her eyes.

“I know we can.” He smiled at her. “We’ve pretty much been together for ten years. It’s not like we just met and are trying to drag out the inevitable.”

She looked at him hopefully.

“I don’t want to lose you, Allie. I want you to be proud to stand with me.”

“I’ll always be proud of you. I just wish you didn’t have to do this.”

“I know, but I do.”

“I know.” She sighed. “Can we at least make the most of the time we have left, until you have to leave?”

“Of course.” He hugged her tight and kissed her hair as he held her. “I want to spend as much time with you as possible.”

After a moment she started to kiss the side of his neck, and Ben groaned as her lips played over the sensitive skin under his ear. He’d thought she’d be angry at him. He’d half expected her to kick him in the shins and storm out swearing to never talk to him again. He’d never expected her to want him, but as her hand slid down his chest he pushed her back against the bed and lay over her.

He cleared his mind and gave himself over to the moment. He wanted to memorize every inch of her so he could hold onto her after he left.