June 23rd 2002
Dear Ben,
I know writing you the day you leave is a little clingy and silly. It’s only been three hours since you left, but I need to feel close to you.
I love you and I support you. I know you’re doing what you have to do and I’m proud of you, but watching you drive away in that bus was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I know this has to be harder on you, we might have watched you drive away but you’re the one who’s leaving. You’re the one who’s going to be doing something incredible while we’re going to continue on with our lives.
I just want to tell you I love you and I don’t want you to worry about me. You need to focus on you and on getting through this. I’ll be here and I’ll be okay. I have less than three months until school starts so I’ll be busy. I’ll miss you, but I won’t sit around moping. We’ll both be doing what we need to do so we can start our lives together.
Good luck on your new adventure, and I hope it’s everything you hope it is. I promise to look in on your mom too, make sure she’s okay. Your family has been better to me than my own and I feel like a part of it already. This has to be harder on her than it is on me. You’re my partner, but you’re her baby.
Stay safe, love you forever,
Allie
July 6th 2002
Dear Allie,
I can’t tell you how amazing it was to get your letter so soon. When I saw your name on the envelope it was like my entire day turned around, and when I read your words it made me feel like you were sitting with me.
Things are different than I thought they would be. I watched the videos and talked to the recruiters, but I never thought it would be like this. Fifty guys to a room, bunk beds and footlockers, and every day it’s inspections, drills, class and punishment. I know they’re doing this to break us so they can build us back up, but it’s really hard to remember that when the entire barracks gets trashed because some asshole didn’t put his boots out right or didn’t organize his locker the right way.
We really have no time off. We’re busy and it keeps us in line, but I miss privacy. I miss being able to eat at a normal pace or shower for more than ten seconds, but it’s not so bad.
Some of the guys here are struggling and I don’t think everyone is going to make it. Physically it’s not bad but mentally it’s tough.
Thanks for taking care of Mom, I hate how I’m hurting everyone but it’s what I need to do, and you’re right, they are your family too. You’re going to be my wife, and that thought keeps me going. It looks like it takes at least a week to get a letter, so if you don’t hear from me right away know that I wrote as soon as I could.
Love you always,
Ben
July 10th 2002
Dear Ben,
I got your letter today and it was so good to hear from you. I’m glad tat things are settling in for you and you’re doing okay. You’re the strongest man I know. I believe in you. You can do anything you set your mind to so I know you can do this.
Things here are the same. Everyone is getting ready for school and it sucks to be the only one to stay behind and have to live at home and commute. Everyone else is leaving and starting fresh in their dorms and I still have to stay in my parent’s house and travel for more than an hour to get to class, but I’m going and I’m going to get it done.
I want to make you proud too. I want you to be proud to call me your wife, and I want to be your partner. We can do this. We can both do what we need to do and I know we’ll be okay.
Your parents have invited me over for Sunday dinners now that they’ve gotten into a routine. It will be nice to see them, to have that support every week, and I’m really looking forward to it.
People know we’re engaged. I wear my ring and your sister gossips so everyone knows. People can be so judgmental. A few of your friends have told me we’ll never work and Ashley made a point to seek me out at Andy’s party to tell me you’ll be banging every chick you can find and I’m a fool for thinking I’d ever be enough for you, but she’s just a jealous bitch and I told her as much. A few others asked when the baby was due, like the only reason you’d want to marry me is because I was pregnant.
It kind of sucks but I don’t really care what anyone else thinks. I trust you and love you. I know you’d never do anything to hurt me, just like I could never even think of hurting you.
Stay safe, love you forever,
Allie
July 23rd 2002
Allie,
I was so happy to talk to you yesterday. It was the first time they actually let us use the phones and I was so worried you wouldn’t be home or your mom would pick up. Hearing your voice and then getting your letter the next day was amazing.
I wish we’d had more time to talk, and I wish I’d had some privacy so I could tell you all the dirty thoughts I’ve been having about you.
I miss you so much. I don’t know what day it is half the time and I have no idea what’s going on out there except for what you and Mom say in your letters.
It’s nuts here. It’s the same day over and over again and sometimes it’s like the day is on rewind. We’re up until late, up with the sun and it’s run here, run there, pushups here, obstacle course there. We barely have time to eat, we hardly have time to think and it’s getting brutal. It’s so hot here and our staff likes to ‘make it rain’. They close up the windows and then we do burpees and pushups until moisture is literally coming down from the ceiling and raining down on us.
There are a few fucktards on my course who are completely useless. We’re always getting punished and losing privileges because of those jackasses. One can’t be left alone, someone always has to buddy up with him and make sure his shit is done right, and there’s another who cries all the time. We want them to quit, but until they do or they get ganked from the course we have to carry them.
I’m sorry Ashley is such a bitch to you. I never should have hooked up with her. I told her it wasn’t serious and I never thought she’d hold a grudge this long, but I’m glad you stood up for yourself. I trust you too, babe, I know I have nothing to worry about. I’m also happy you’re getting support from my family and you’re getting ready for school. You’re right, baby, we’re both doing what we have to and we’ll come out the other end stronger and better off.
My bunkmate saw your picture, the one I promised no one would see. I’m sorry, it was an accident. The guys here are getting a little crude not being around any chicks. The stories they’re telling and the way they talk about their girlfriends is nuts. They’ve actually started a poll as to whose girl is the hottest. I swear I didn’t tell them anything about you. They all saw the photo I keep out, the one of us from my swearing in, but then Conway saw the other one and you moved up from fourteenth to fifth. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, I guess I want to be completely honest.
I love you, can’t wait to talk to you again.
Love always,
Ben
August 2nd 2002
Dear Ben,
Wow, it sounds like things are really hard. Hopefully it gets better and not worse. I wish we’d gotten a chance to talk again, I guess you weren’t allowed to use the phone this week.
I have to admit I’m a little torn about the photo. A part of me is mortified that others saw it, but then there’s the vain part of me that actually feels good about being ranked so high…it’s messed up, but I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m fine with it and you can tell me everything and anything. I don’t want you to hold back because you think I won’t get it or it will make me mad. I’m here for you. You’ve always told me everything before so I want you to keep telling me everything.
Dad left again. He’s been gone for two weeks and Mom is being impossible. She got let go from another job and she seems to forget you need money to live. Booze isn’t free, and neither is everything else we need like food and bills.
I’m getting a job when school starts. I don’t want to start before your grad so I can make sure I have the day off, but after that I’ll need my own money to make sure I don’t starve. Hopefully Dad comes back and starts paying the bills or he leaves for good and starts paying support. I think he’s working right now, but that could change.
I’m really looking forward to school. I want to get my life started and I want to get out of here. I hate this house and I hate how Mom and Dad act, but I can deal with them if it means getting my degree and being with you.
I love getting your letters. I love you so much.
Stay safe, love you forever,
Allie
August 17th 2002
Allie,
Well I didn’t get to talk to you on the phone again this week because of Morales. That fuckstick is as useless as a bag of hammers. He left a photo in his cap during inspection and they trashed the barracks and pulled our phone privilege, again. We finally got rid of Hanson and McNeil, the two I told you about earlier. They both quit, but now that they’re gone it’s like everyone else is just fucking up to fill the vacancies.
We’ve spent a lot of time in the field but I don’t mind it. I’ve learned that the human body doesn’t really need sleep, and I’ve learned that I can fall asleep on my feet while leaning on a shovel.
I miss you so much. I think about you every night and I dream about you constantly. I’m so sleep fucked and out of it most of the time that the days are a blur. I really have no idea what’s happening. I only know when we’ve either fucked up or moved on to the next thing.
The guys here are okay. The guy on the top bunk is getting on my nerves. He jacks off every night, right in the bed above me, and he’s not the only one. I’m a little more discreet, I use the bathroom, but some of the guys here just don’t give a fuck. A few of them are passing around their girlfriend’s photos to switch things up or give someone else something to think about. It’s fucked up. We’ve been here for weeks, not years, and they’re acting like sex-starved animals, and they’re a little too comfortable with each other. I get how we’re supposed to become brothers, but last time I checked brothers didn’t share dirty pictures of their girls.
Anyway, I have to go. Hopefully I’ll get to talk to you soon. Only a few more weeks of hell left and then I’ll get to see you.
Love you,
Ben
August 21st 2002
Dear Ben,
It was so good to talk to you on the phone. I missed hearing your voice so much but I wish we’d had more time to talk, ten minutes just isn’t enough.
It sounds like things are hard. I’m sorry your guys or whatever they’re called are making things harder for you, and I can’t believe they’re sharing pictures like that. I don’t care if you want to tell the guys what we’ve done. I kind of assumed that’s something everyone would be talking about, and if you wanted to talk about us I’d be okay with that, but not with the picture sharing. That’s just too much.
Dad came home last week and Mom got a new job. I can’t believe these idiots keep hiring her, but it looks like Dad will be working until they close down the construction sites for the winter so hopefully they can keep things together, at least for a while.
I really love going to your house for Sunday dinner. Your family is so wonderful and it’s awesome to have something normal to do with a family. Everyone has left for school now. It’s lonely but I’m trying to think of it as the next big adventure. Your parents have been so supportive and we’re all so proud of you. Only a few more weeks, baby, I know you can do this.
Stay safe, love you forever,
Allie
September 6th 2002
Baby,
Two more weeks. Two more weeks of this hellhole and I’m done. Looks like no phone again this week. Too many shitheads being dicks and ruining it for everyone.
I’m really starting to hate everyone here. They go on about being brothers and building a brotherhood but right now there are only a few guys I wouldn’t punch in the face if given the chance. A few are okay, but of course they’re not infantry and the guys who are are useless, so it looks like I’m going to be spending even more time with those assholes.
I would never lend out your picture, baby, never. I don’t really talk about you. It’s fucked up but I talk about the girls before you. You’re my fiancée and you’re going to be my wife. I don’t want the guys to know about you and what we’ve shared. That’s just for me. That’s for me to hold onto and think about when I need something to ground me or get me through another day or night.
Those other girls were just a way to get my dick wet. They meant nothing to me so I tell everyone everything about them, but you’re different. You’re the girl I love so I keep you just for me.
We’re spending more and more time in the field and it’s not bad. I can deal with the actual field work, but again it’s the fucktards around that make it impossible. Hopefully things get better in AIT and I don’t have to worry about babysitting morons.
Two more weeks, baby, and we can see each other. We’ll only have a few hours, but I swear the moment I have you alone I’m going to rip your clothes off and fuck you senseless. Wear a skirt and don’t wear underwear. I want to be able to think about what I’m going to do to you the moment I see you.
God I miss you so much. I wonder if you think about me half as much as I think about you, because I think about you all the time. You’re the reason I’m getting through the day. You’re the reason I make it through the night.
Love you,
Ben
September 13th 2002
Ben,
I hope you actually get this letter and it arrives before your course is over. Only one more week until I get to see you and I feel like I’m going crazy.
When I read your letter, when I read what you said about seeing me again it was so hot I almost dropped the pages. I think about you constantly. All the time day and night, and I try to remember everything about when we were together. I love you so much, baby.
I can’t wait to see you, to be held by you, to kiss you and to be with you again. I want you so badly, and I will definitely wear a skirt and no panties, and I don’t care if we have to hide behind a tree and do it outside I want you so bad.
I started school two weeks ago. It’s okay. The commute kind of sucks but my classes are all around the same time with no big breaks so it’s not too bad. The only class that’s rough is my intro to philosophy class. It’s a prerequisite and the only time I could take it was from 4 until 7 every Wednesday. All my other classes are done by four and while it’s still early enough I don’t really like coming home after it gets dark. There are a lot of weirdos out, but when I start working I’ll have to deal with lots of weirdos.
I got a job lined up. It’s nothing fancy, just a coffee shop, but they’ll work around my class schedule and they’ll let me start after I come home from your grad. The owner’s son is in the air force and she’s really understanding.
A lot of people ask about my ring and they can’t believe that at eighteen I want to get married. They ask if we’re religious, and a few have even asked if we’re virgins getting married so we can sleep together. I like to tell them that we’ve been together for ten years, and when they try to do the math I tell them we had a really long courtship and we’re definitely not virgins. I’m proud to tell them how you’re in basic training and you’re going into the marines. Most people are really nice and tell me to thank you for your service. You have more than just your family supporting you, babe, you have a whole country.
I can’t wait to see you, I can’t guarantee I won’t make a fool out of myself in front of your guys and staff or whatever they’re called. I love you so much Ben. ONE MORE WEEK!
Stay safe, love you forever,
Allie.