April 2003

 

 

“Ben?” Allie asked the moment the phone was picked up. She didn’t even wait for him to say a word.

“Allie, hi.”

“What’s wrong? You said something happened?”

“Do you have a few minutes? This isn’t something I can say quick.”

“Yeah. I’m home.”

“I thought you were working tonight.”

“I was supposed to but they cancelled my shift. I needed the time to study so it wasn’t a big deal. But enough about me. What’s going on?”

“I got my orders today.”

Fear and dread washed over her at his words. The only reason he would be so serious about anything was if it was bad news.

“Orders?” she almost whispered as she leaned back against the wall.

“We’re shipping out.”

“What? When?”

“Officially five weeks from now.”

“Where are you going?”

“Iraq.”

“Ben…”

“The tour is a year. I’ll be gone for a year.”

“But…”

“Allie?”

“Five weeks. Okay. We can deal with that. I’m done finals in less than a week and a half. When I’m done I can come to you. We’ll have three weeks together before you leave and—”

“I’m leaving for training in a week.”

“What?”

“We have to train for a month before we go. Desert warfare, other stuff that’s not important. I only have a week and then I’ll be gone.”

“Fine. I’ll go to wherever that place is, get a cheap motel room and see you when you’re not training—”

“You can’t, Allie. We’re not allowed visitors and it’s a secure base. Once I’m there it’s the same as me leaving.”

“No! It’s not fair.”

“Allie—”

“We were supposed to have the summer. We were supposed to have last summer. We were supposed to have time before this happened.”

“Baby—”

“Fuck school. I’ll blow off finals and come now. I can leave tomorrow, or tonight! Do they have flights overnight? I can be ready in an hour—”

“Baby, please, listen to me.”

“No. If I listen to you then you’ll tell me I can’t blow off school and I have to finish. Then you’ll tell me it’ll be too late and you’ll already be gone.”

“Allie—”

“I don’t want you to go, Ben. I don’t want you to go over there. People are dying over there. Every day people are dying and I don’t want you to die—”

“Allie—”

“You’re supposed to marry me. We’re supposed to live a long and happy life. You’re not supposed to die in a fucking desert on the other side of the planet—”

“Allie, stop!”

She bit her lip to keep quiet, and it was only then she noticed there were tears streaming down her face.

“I have to go. It’s my job.” His voice was clear but she could hear the emotion behind it. “It’s why I joined and it’s what I have to do. I hate leaving you for so long, but when I come home we’ll have lots of time together. I have to do this.”

“Ben…”

“We both knew it was going to happen. The moment I joined this was going to happen.”

“I know,” she whispered. “I just hate that it’s so soon.”

“I know. So do I.” He sighed heavily. “I have to call you back. I haven’t told Mom and Dad yet. I wanted to tell you first.”

“Sure, but you’ll call later?”

“I promise.”

“Okay.”

The phone clicked and the call ended.

Ben was leaving. He was going to war. He was leaving her to go to war.

She felt numb as she put the phone down and stared at the wall. He was right. They’d known this day was coming. He’d told her at Christmas it was probably going to happen. She’d known it, but that didn’t make it any easier to deal with.

Ben was leaving, and he might not come home.

* * * * *

For the next week Allie and Ben spent as much of their free time as they could on the phone. She looked forward to hearing his voice every day, but dreaded his calls because it meant they were one day closer to him leaving.

On the last day before he left they were on the phone until two in the morning. After they’d hung up Allie had spent an hour lying in her bed staring at the ceiling. She was numb again, and she was in shock.

Ben had promised to call her as much as he could, but he had no idea how much access to a phone he’d have, or what he’d be allowed to tell her. She’d wanted to quit her job so she could make sure she was home for the calls, but he’d reminded her she still had bills to pay and needed to keep working.

He managed to call once a week, but the calls weren’t long. He couldn’t tell her much about his training and tried not to talk about leaving. All she knew was the date, he wouldn’t tell her anything else.

He would have sporadic use of a phone and even less chance to use a computer. There would be weeks where she wouldn’t hear from him, but he promised to leave messages if she wasn’t home.

Saying goodbye to him on the last day before he shipped out had been the hardest moment of her life. Watching his bus drive away after basic training, leaving him after their short Christmas visit had been hard, but this was by far the most pain, fear, panic and dread she’d ever experienced.

He’d told her he loved her a dozen times, had promised to be safe and come home to her. She’d tried to be strong, but the moment his voice had cracked as he’d been telling her how she was the best thing to ever happen to him, she’d broken down and sobbed.

Through her tears she’d told him she loved him and had promised to wait for him to come home. He’d asked her to promise three times before he’d let it drop.

He’d said goodbye for the first time in all of their phone calls, and then hung up. She’d stayed curled up on her bed clutching the phone in her hand as she’d let out every bit of emotion she’d locked away since the day he’d told her he was enlisting. She was grateful Casey wasn’t home because he would have probably called an ambulance as she went into hysterics.

She didn’t sleep a wink the entire night and didn’t get out of bed for any reason other than to pee for almost twenty-four hours.

Ben was gone. He’d flown away and was going to fight in a war. The love of her life. Her other half and the only man she would ever love was gone, and he might never come home.