2017

 

“Keep your pants on,” Allie muttered to herself as she rushed across her apartment. Her cell phone was ringing, but it was plugged into the wall near her front door and she’d been in the kitchen.

She skidded to a stop in front of the small table where her phone was, and checked the number as she picked it up. It was blocked.

“Hello?”

There was no reply. She could hear some background noise, like traffic or something to that effect, and light breathing.

“Hello? Hello?” She rolled her eyes and hung up the phone. It wasn’t the first call like this she’d gotten in the past few days. They were starting to get really annoying. She plugged her phone back in and headed toward the kitchen. There was a bottle of merlot sitting on her counter and it was calling to her.

Allie put the mysterious phone call out of her mind and went on with her evening. She had dinner, cleaned up and took another glass of wine into the living room to watch some TV. There wasn’t anything on, but she had about thirty hours of shows recorded on her PVR. She would be able to find something to watch.

She’d just settled on the pilot episode of a new comedy that had looked good, when her phone rang.

As she picked it up she glanced at the call display. Another blocked call.

“Hello?”

There was different background noise this time. It sounded like people talking, like in a coffee shop or a restaurant. There was the same light breathing and no answer.

“Hello? Is someone there or am I getting butt-dialed by a stranger? Hello?”

With a curse she hung up the phone and tossed it on the couch next to her. Great, a prank caller had gotten hold of her number and they weren’t giving up on the gag.

Twenty minutes later her phone rang again. She picked it up and wasn’t surprised to see the number had been blocked.

“Hello?” The background was silent, but she could hear breathing, so someone was listening on the other end of the line.

“Look, asshole. I don’t know what kind of jollies you’re getting from these calls, but fuck off. If you’re going to try and do the pervy heavy breathing thing, you should probably work on your delivery—”

“Allie?”

She paused at the use of her nickname. No one called her Allie, not for a long time.

“Who is this?”

“It’s me, Allie Cat.”

A wave of dizziness washed over her as the voice clicked.

“Ben?”

“Yeah, hi.”

“Hi.” She had no idea what to say to him. He was the last person she ever expected to hear from. “Wow, it’s been a long time.”

“Yeah, it has.”

“Um, what’s up, Ben? What-uh, do you want?”

“I was wondering if we could meet up.”

“Wow. Meet up?”

“Yeah. I think we should talk.”

“Talk, okay. Wow. Um, sure. Tomorrow?”

“That works.”

“How about six at the Coffee Gallery on Warden and Gilmore?”

“Sounds great. So I’ll see you then?”

“Sure. See you then.”

“Okay, bye, Allie.”

“Bye, Ben.”

Allie hung up the phone and sat back on the couch in a daze.

She hadn’t heard from Ben in fourteen years, not since he’d sent her whatever the opposite of a “Dear John” letter was. There was a time when she’d thought that maybe he’d try and reconnect with her. That he’d call or email her and tell her how wrong he’d been and how much he still needed her. She’d spent years hoping and praying he would reach out to her and explain why he’d broken her heart, but he never had.

Fourteen years had passed. They’d been nineteen the last time he’d been part of her life, and she’d lived enough for two lifetimes in the past decade and a half.

So much had changed. She’d changed and her entire world had changed several times over. She could only imagine how much had changed in Ben’s life. Hell, the entire world had changed.

Fourteen years ago they’d had to rely on email and answering machines to talk to each other. The Internet had still been in its infancy so social media hadn’t been a thing yet. Now there were cell phones, and text messaging and instant social media connections you could carry with you. The entire world was plugged in, and everyone was always connected to something.

The war had ended and it had seemed as though another one was about to start any day. In her eyes social views had shifted from right to left, and now seemed to be hovering between staying left or creeping back right, and everyone now had a way to express every opinion they had about any issue.

They were constantly being bombarded with bad news and videos and photos of all the terrible things in the world, and everyone with a phone was dying for online praise or to find the next ‘viral’ whatever.

It was a world Allie wasn’t so sure she liked and still held back from. It was a world that had dealt her hand after hand of shitty circumstances and situations. No matter what she did Allie never felt like things were getting better, only staying stagnant and occasionally going backward.

She was thirty-three and her life was still a mess. From the outside she appeared to have her life in order and seemed put together and happy, but the truth was most days she was barely hanging on. She didn’t feel in control and she’d never really had a period of prolonged happiness.

There were times she’d been happy and things had gone well, but then something would happen and it would knock her back into a shitty reality where she felt as though she was constantly treading water and fighting not to drown

And now Ben was reaching out to her.

After a decade and a half of silence he wanted to talk to her? After breaking her heart and fucking up her perception of the world and relationships for years, he thought now was the time to reconnect?

What did he want? Why now? What could he possibly want to talk about? Was he even the same Ben she remembered?

There were so many questions rolling around in her head. She just closed her eyes and put her head in her hands, as she tried to shut her mind down and stop thinking about Ben and his mysterious and unexpected phone call.

She didn’t know why he’d called. All she knew was the only boy she’d ever loved had reached out to her after a lifetime, and she had no idea how she felt about that.

* * * * *

Ben was nervous.

He still didn’t know what he was doing, or even why he’d done it. Ever since he’d talked to Allie and set up their coffee meeting he’d felt a pit in his stomach and random rushes of adrenaline as his nerves would kick in.

Fourteen years had passed since he’d last spoken to her. Fourteen long years since he made the hardest decision of his life. He’d spent years trying to get over her and to stop thinking about her, but no matter what he did he couldn’t shake her.

He had no idea what kind of person she was now, or what kind of life she’d lived. He had no idea if she was happy or if she’d spared him a second thought over the years. All he knew was what his sister had told him.

Allie was living in town, in her parents’ old house, and she was an adjustor at Nicole’s insurance agency. As far as Nicole knew Allie was single, but she’d only been back in town for about a year, and she didn’t know what Allie had been up to while she’d been away.

He had no idea if she was still anything like the girl he remembered, the girl who had been his best friend and other half for eleven years. He had no idea if she was still his Allie Cat, or if she’d changed and would be a complete stranger.

He’d spent two days wondering what the hell he was doing as he tried not to talk himself out of meeting with her. He’d looked her up on impulse, called her out of desperation and spoken to her out of hope. He needed to see her one last time, if only to make sure she was living a great life and happy.

Now he was standing outside the coffee shop ten minutes before they were supposed to meet, and he was so nervous he was sweating. He had no idea what he hoped would come out of this meeting. All he knew was that he needed to see her again.

Screwing up his courage he took a deep breath and headed into the shop. It was only coffee with an old friend. There was nothing to be nervous about. Unless she still hated him.

As he walked through the door his eyes swept the shop and landed on a woman sitting at a small booth in the back corner. It was her.

Allie looked up and caught his eye, and he could barely follow the myriad of expressions that flashed across her face. There was surprise, what looked like it could be nerves, and a little appreciation. There were a few others he couldn’t quite decipher, but none of them had looked angry. That was a start.

Realizing he was still standing in the doorway staring at her, Ben shook off the last of his nerves and began walking toward the back of the shop.

Allie’s eyes followed him as he drew closer, and when he was about a foot away she hastily stood.

“Hi, Allie.”

“Ben, hi.” She gave him a smile that reached her eyes. The same smile she used to give him when they were kids, and stuck out her hand.

He was a little surprised by the gesture, but happy she was being so open. He took her hand and gripped it lightly, noticing the pulse that shot into his palm at the contact.

It was as though time stood still for a minute. Their eyes and hands were locked together, and they stared at each other.

She looked like the same Allie on the outside. Her dark-brown hair was still shiny and thick. She still wore it long, but now she’d put layers in it so it gave it a flirty wave. Her green eyes were open and beautiful, but they were a little guarded now, almost weary. Her face had matured, but she still looked like Allie, and her body was incredible.

He’d always loved her curves, and over the years she’d filled out in all the right places. Her trim legs looked incredible in a pair of black leggings and her long sweater skimmed her body, showing off the generous curve of her hips and the dip of her waist. Her breasts seemed bigger and he noticed how she stood with her shoulders back and her head up. She was gorgeous. She looked confident and capable, and he felt like a hot mess compared to her.

Something deep inside him tugged, and it wasn’t just his arousal. He could feel his cock hardening as he pictured what she’d looked like the last time together, but the real tug was in his chest. He couldn’t explain it, but she still felt like Allie.

“Do you want to sit?” she asked, tearing her eyes away from his as she pulled her hand free. A blush crept over her cheeks and he wondered what had triggered it.

“Thank you.” He sat across the booth from her and glanced over at the counter, hoping to distract himself for a moment so he could calm his libido before he popped a full on boner in the middle of the shop. “What would you like to drink?”

“I can get it—”

“I’ve got it.”

“Are you sure?”

“I invited you out. It’s proper etiquette.”

He was relieved when she grinned and sat back in her chair. “Coffee with two milk and honey.”

“Would you like anything else?”

“The coffee will be fine.”

“I’ll be right back.”

 

Allie watched Ben stand and head toward the counter. As soon as he was out of earshot she let out a huge sigh and shook her head.

She’d expected to feel a jumble of crap when she saw him. She’d assumed she’d feel out of sorts and need a moment to figure things out, but she hadn’t been prepared for just how much she felt.

The moment Ben’s incredible blue eyes had settled on hers from across the shop it was as though her heart had skipped a beat. Every feeling she’d ever had for him had come rushing back to her.

He still looked like Ben. He still had the same kind and beautiful eyes, and the hint of smile she’d seen had been exactly what she remembered. His face was a little more rugged and he definitely looked older, but still held a shadow of the charming and handsome nineteen-year-old she remembered. He was still tall and broad, but he’d filled out and now looked built and strong.

He was gorgeous, but there was something about him that was different.

She leaned back in her seat and watched Ben step up to the counter and order their drinks. It wasn’t the way he carried himself, he still moved with quiet confidence. It was his aura.

Allie had never been one to put stock in auras or any other new age ideas. After feeling the energy around Ben, and being taken back to the last time she’d seen him almost fifteen years ago, she was beginning to think there was some merit to it.

He seemed guarded and a little weary. It was as though there was a shadow around him that was weighing him down. She had no idea how she knew, or thought she knew, this after only exchanging a few sentences with him and watching him walk away, but she felt he was being burdened by something big.

As she watched him pick up two huge cups and turn back toward her she felt something she’d half expected and half hoped she wouldn’t have to deal with.

There was a pulse deep in her body, right in the center of her womb. It was so strong it made goosebumps raise up on her arms as her body tightened slightly. Physically she reacted to him, but there was more to it than that.

She felt a sense of familiarity and calm. It was as though she instinctively knew he was still the same Ben inside. He was still the boy she’d fallen in love with and given her everything to. And the same boy who’d not only broken her heart, but shattered her world.

“Thanks.” She smiled as Ben put one of the cups in front of her. “Need a boost?”

He looked up and grinned when he saw her nodding to the cups.

“I didn’t know what size to get so I went with what I needed.”

“Not to sleep for a week?” She wrapped her hands around the base of the cup and sighed as heat seeped into her skin. It was just beginning to get cold outside. Fall would be starting in earnest any day.

“I wish caffeine affected me.” He ruefully shook his head. “I can drink espresso right before bed and not have it do anything.”

“You often drink espresso before bed?” She popped the top of her drink open to let some of the steam escape, and hopefully cool the coffee down so she could drink it.

“Not since I found out it wouldn’t keep me awake.”

She smiled but then shook her head.

“Why did you call me?”

“What do you mean?”

“After what happened between us, after things ending the way they did. After all this time, why? Why now?”

Ben sat back in his chair and sighed. “I’m not sure.”

“You have to have some idea. You looked me up and called my phone multiple times before you talked to me. If it was a drunk dial or a random online message I’d buy that, but not for something so calculated.”

“I don’t know if you can still read me like a book, or if you’re just a hell of a lot smarter than me.” He smirked and pulled the lid off his cup. “You always could call me on my bullshit.”

“I think it’s more instinct.” She shrugged. “I knew you, better than I knew myself most days, but now I’m just going with my gut.”

“Is that why you agreed to meet with me? Your gut?”

“That’s why I actually showed up. But agreeing? No, that was shock.”

“And now that the shock has worn off?”

“It hasn’t, not completely.” She looked away and sighed. “A part of me still doesn’t believe this is real.”

“It’s real, Allie.”

“You know, you’re the first person to call me that in five, six years now.”

“What do you go by?”

“Alison. Apparently I’m a grown up now and Allie is a kids name.”

“I’ve never called you Alison.” He grinned and sipped his coffee. “I don’t know if I could get used to that.”

“You used to call me that when you were pissed.” She smiled at the memory. “You’d say ‘Alison Krystyna, I’m getting frustrated with you’.”

“I almost forgot about that. And you’d respond with ‘Benjamin Randall, I’m already frustrated with you’.” He laughed and shook his head. “God, when did we stop doing that? Middle school?”

She nodded, biting back a grin. “We were weird kids.”

“That we were.” The smile dropped off his face as he looked at her. “But we had some great times.”

“The best.” This time when she bit her lip it was to try and keep her emotions at bay. “So, why did you call me, Ben?”

“I needed to see you.”

“After all this time? Now you need to see me?”

“I’ve been thinking about looking you up for a long time, years. Then I was talking with Nicole and she mentioned how she’d seen you at your work.” He shook his head. “I don’t know. I guess that made it go from a desire to a need.”

“And now that you’ve seen me?”

“I have no idea.”

“Yeah. That I understand.” She bit her lip again and then took a sip of her coffee, grateful when the hot liquid burned a trail down her throat and made her think of something other than Ben and how incredible he looked.

“Did you ever think of me?” he asked, his voice quiet as he looked at the table between them.

“Yes, a lot.”

“Did you ever think of looking me up?”

“I tried,” she admitted softly.

“What?”

“I looked for you on social media. I searched for your name, scanned all your old friends’ profiles, or at least the ones I could see. You had no digital footprint that I could find so I assumed you didn’t want to be found.”

“I didn’t, you’re right about that.” He sighed and drank down a huge gulp of his coffee. “There was awhile there where I didn’t want to be found, didn’t feel like I could be.”

“So what changed?”

“My entire life got flipped upside down.” He shook his head and leaned back in his seat. “I left the marines a few months ago.”

“By choice?”

“Sort of.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Things have been rough for me, job wise, for the past few years. I toughed it out as best I could, but it wasn’t good for me, not anymore. I had fifteen years of service so I wasn’t eligible for retirement. I couldn’t do another five years, so I got out and received an honorable discharge.”

“But you would have stayed in?”

“If the circumstances had been different.” He nodded. “But they weren’t, so this was the best option for me.”

“Oh, I see.” She took another sip of her coffee as her mind raced. He was out of the military, did that mean he was moving home? “Are you staying in town?”

“I’m renting a place for now. I’m not sure if I’ll hang my hat here permanently, but it’s nice to be back with my family.”

“Your mother must be overjoyed to have you home.”

“She is, my dad too. I wasn’t around for a lot. It was really hard on them.”

“Oh?” She wanted to ask him what he’d missed and why, but didn’t want him to clam up and shut down.

“Things have been…not great, for a while.”

“I hear you on that.” She sighed.

Even after all this time she still felt inherently comfortable around Ben. Usually she did everything she could to hide how she was feeling and just how much life was affecting her, but she didn’t want to hide from Ben. He was still the only person she was able to open up to, and he was a virtual stranger now.

“Are you not happy?”

She looked away and put her cup down. “Not really.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Isn’t it?”

“It took me a long time to figure this out, Ben, but no. The crap in my life isn’t your fault. You broke my heart and set me on a different path than I thought I’d be on, but my choices are what put me in the place I am now.”

“I still feel responsible.”

“I never felt you were.”

“You’re amazing, Allie.” He shook his head. “I half expected you to rip me a new one after what happened.”

“It was a long time ago.”

“You still have every right to hate me.”

“I never hated you.”

“No?”

“No.” She sighed. “I was confused and angry for a long time, and heartbroken for even longer, but I never hated you or wished ill on you. I didn’t understand why, but figured whatever reason you had made sense to you.”

“It did make sense to me.”

“That’s what I thought. I knew you, Ben. I knew what a good heart you had. There must have been a reason for what happened. A few months apart wouldn’t have been enough time for your entire personality to change.”

“I’m still sorry I hurt you.”

“I believe you.” She nodded and looked away for a moment. “Are you happy?”

“Not really. Not in a long time.” He shook his head and ran his hand through his hair distractedly. “Shit, this is the first time I’ve been able to admit that out loud to someone.”

“Really?”

“I’ve been pretending for so long. Trying to make sure the guys in my unit didn’t catch on, that the shrinks and the padres I was forced to talk to didn’t figure it out. I had to hide it from my parents and sister and by default everyone I met. I knew it, but could never admit it to anyone. Then one conversation with you and I’m spilling my guts.”

“I’m in the same boat.” She reached across the table and put her hand over his. The moment her skin touched his a jolt of pure electricity went through her and she shivered involuntarily. “There’s something about you that made me tell you the truth when I usually do my damnedest to hide it from everyone.”

“Is it strange to say you still feel like you?” He flipped his hand over so he could press their palms together.

There was that feeling again. The one where she felt electricity and desire and familiarity rush through her all at the same time.

“No, because I know exactly what you mean.”

“Do you want to get out of here?”

Allie felt her body tighten as a flush moved over her skin. Ben was giving her the look he used to, the one that said he wanted nothing more than to devour her.

At that moment she didn’t care about anything except living in the moment. It had been almost a year since she’d been with someone and she missed sex. She missed feeling a hard body over hers, hands running over her skin, and the connection of sharing herself with someone.

She wanted to experience what it would be like to be with Ben again, now that she had some experience and he might have gained some stamina. They’d been nineteen the last time they’d been together, and she’d been a virgin while he’d been a speedster. It had been great at the time, but she had a feeling things would be a lot different now.

“Let’s go.” She nodded and stood.

This was probably one of the rashest and more reckless decisions of her life, but she wasn’t going to talk herself out of it.

She was going to sleep with a man who hadn’t promised her a damn thing. Who’d randomly come back into her life a decade and a half after breaking her heart. She had no idea if he was fucking her because she was familiar, available, or desirable, but she didn’t care. He couldn’t break her heart a second time, not unless she gave it to him again.