Allie didn’t sleep at all. She managed to doze because she was exhausted, but couldn’t fall into a deep sleep.

There was only one other time she’d ever been in this situation before, and that was when she’d gone to Ben’s graduation.

She’d made the difficult choice of getting the morning after pill then, and had never told him. It had taken her a long time to get over that decision, and now she was in the same predicament with the same man.

She wanted kids. She’d always seen herself as a mother, but she’d never pictured herself as a single mom.

She believed Ben when he said he would support her, but they weren’t together.

They’d had a handful of conversations and had sex twice. He wasn’t sure if he was even staying in town, and they’d never made any plans beyond their date.

The easiest and the smartest thing would be to go and get the pill again, but she couldn’t do it.

She was thirty-three years old and single. Her clock had been ticking for a few years now and she didn’t know if marriage and children were in her future. She could spend the next few years searching for her forever person only to end up alone and past her baby making expiry date.

Then she would be stuck either adopting or spending a fortune on fertility treatments and donor sperm, and she’d still be single.

At least now it was with Ben. It wouldn’t be a stranger’s baby in her womb, it would be his. She would raise it alone, but at least she’d have his support.

The more she thought about it the more she knew she couldn’t take the pill, not this time. If it was meant to be than she would be a mom. If it wasn’t than she would get her period and she’d wait until she was in a better place.

She was grateful it was Saturday and she could hide for the next few days. She might be at peace with her decision, but that didn’t mean she was calm.

There were so many things to think about and plan for, but first she had to get through the next two weeks to see if she was pregnant or not.

Ben didn’t call and she was grateful. He was giving her the space she needed, but eventually she would have to tell him what she’d decided.

It was true that it was her body, but it was his seed. He was involved and this impacted him as well. She needed to be honest and upfront with him, but she needed time before she could talk to him.

* * * * *

 “Hello?” Ben knew who it was before he answered the call and did everything he could to keep his voice calm.

“Ben, hi.”

“Allie. Hi.”

“I didn’t take the pill.”

He felt a rush of emotions rise in his body, and he was shocked that relief was the strongest one.

“Oh. Okay.”

“I still have at least a week and a half before I can take a test.”

“Okay, sure.”

He felt like a tool only offering one word answers and monosyllables, but he had no idea what to say.

He’d spent days obsessing over their predicament, trying to think about things rationally. This was the first time he’d ever had a pregnancy scare, and as he’d thought about it he’d realized he didn’t want her to terminate it.

He would have supported her no matter what, but he was so happy she was waiting. He’d always wanted a family and kids, but he’d spent so long running from finding either he’d figured his window was closed.

He was a mess. He was single and unemployed. His PTSD was still a major factor in his everyday life and he felt like a loser.

The last thing he could do was invite a stranger into his life as it was. He couldn’t bring in a partner who didn’t know him until he was ‘fixed’, and he wasn’t sure he’d ever feel ‘fixed’.

Allie wasn’t a stranger. She’d been his best friend and then his fiancée. She was the only woman he’d ever loved, and even though they weren’t together, she was the only person he felt comfortable with.

If he was ever going to have a child with someone, Allie was the only option. The situation wasn’t ideal and it was so far removed from what he’d pictured, but it was happening and he was actually happy.

If it turned out she wasn’t pregnant than all of this worry would have been for naught, but if she was then he would do whatever he needed to in order to support her. If they were going to have a baby together then he was going to be an active part of her and their child’s life.

“Are you okay with everything?” she asked after a pause.

“I am. I told you I’d support whatever choice you made. I meant it.”

“Thanks for being so great, and not running for the hills.”

“We’re in this together, no matter what. Do you want some company?”

“I think I just need to be alone for a while.”

“For how long?”

“I’ll call you if I’m going to take a test.”

“Oh, okay.”

His heart fell at her words. He might be happy and ready for this but it sounded like she wasn’t. Did she decide to wait it out because she didn’t believe in terminating and it had nothing to do with him? Was he literally a sperm donor now and a child support check later?

He felt his defenses rise and knew he had to get off the phone before he said something he couldn’t take back.

“Okay. Well. Give me a call if you need anything.”

“Oh, sure. I will.”

“Okay. Good.”

He hung up the phone before she could say anything more and shook his head.

He was spiraling. He could feel himself losing control of his emotions and his chest tightened as his vision started fading in and out. A rush of thoughts swirled around in his mind, their flow unpredictable and uncontrollable. His skin tingled and there was white noise filling his ears.

He felt Zeus’s wet tongue against his cheek and began to snap out of his panic. When he felt Zeus’s warm body and slightly bristly fur pressing against his chest he was able to pull in a deep breath.

His vision cleared as Zeus pressed his face against the side of his neck and his body relaxed as he felt Zeus’s long and slow breaths against him.

It took a moment but he was able to shake the panic attack. He just wrapped his arms around his dog and waited for everything to pass. Without Zeus he would have lost complete control and it could be days before he’d be able to shake the full effect of a panic attack. Zeus had helped him more times than he could count. He’d pulled him out of the darkest recesses of despair, and moments where it had felt like the only way to stop the pain and panic was to end it all.

Zeus might be his dog, but he was also his guardian angel.