Allie’s head was spinning. There was so much information out there on PTSD, and the stats that Nicole had avoided telling her were staggering. It was thought that ten percent of all homeless people were veterans. Alcohol and drug dependency was extremely high in vets, and only getting higher, and suicides were at crisis level.

Twenty veterans committed suicide each and every day. That number was so terrifying it made her heart nearly skip a beat. She’d known there was a problem but she’d been ignorant as to how high the numbers were, or just how serious a problem it was. Ben could have been one of those twenty a day. He’d admitted to her that he’d had a problem with alcohol, and he’d said that without Zeus he would never have been able to deal with his trauma.

After reading everything she could get hold of, and finding out as much about PTSD and how to help someone who suffers from it, she made up her mind.

She could dance around the truth and deny it until she was blue in the face, but she would never be able to change the fact that she was still in love with Ben. Nicole was right. He was her soulmate, and she wanted him in her life.

It wasn’t just because she was pregnant or because she wanted to ‘save’ him. It was because she loved him. She would want him if she wasn’t carrying his child or if he wasn’t suffering from PTSD. She wanted him because he was Ben. Her Ben.

She would reach out to him and see what he wanted. She was hopeful he’d want the same as her, but she was willing to wait for him. If he needed time than she would give it to him. She was willing to wait as long as she had to for him.

* * * * *

When Allie got home from work she was feeling off. Her stomach had felt sour all day and nothing she’d eaten had sat well. She’d felt tired and drained from the moment she’d woken up, and every time she’d looked in the mirror she’d been pale and a little drawn. She’d managed to keep her food down, but half of her office had asked if she was sick and her boss had even suggested she take a half day off.

She had to save her sick days so she’d told her boss she was fine and had eaten something that didn’t agree with her. Everyone had dropped it but she knew they were all wondering what the hell was wrong with her.

After changing into some more comfortable clothes Allie picked up her phone and texted Ben.

 

Are you busy tonight?

 

No. Not tonight.

 

Do you want to come over so we can talk?

 

What time?

 

An hour?

 

I can do that.

 

Ok. See you then.

 

See you.

 

She put down her phone and sighed. She had an hour to try and get some food into her system, and figure out how she was going to tell Ben she was still in love with him.

* * * * *

Allie was sitting on her couch, nervously tapping her foot as she waited for Ben to come over. She’d managed to eat a few slices of bread, but nothing else had looked appetizing.

She still hadn’t figured out how she was going to tell him how she felt, and she wasn’t even sure how to start the conversation. The thought of him rejecting her was horrifying, but they didn’t have time to play games. They were adults and they were going to be parents together. It was time for her to put on her big girl pants and tell him what she wanted and how she was feeling. Then it would be up to him to decide what he wanted.

She was so deep in thought she jumped when the doorbell rang and broke into her thoughts. She’d been so nervous she hadn’t unlocked the door for him.

“Hi.” She opened the door and bit her lip when she saw him standing on her porch.

He looked incredible. The dark t-shirt and jeans he was wearing were wonderfully tight and showed off every inch of his spectacular body, and his eyes were open and a little apprehensive.

He also had a cloth bag in his hand.

“Hi.” He smiled as he looked her up and down.

She knew she was a bit of a mess. She’d taken the time to put on a pair of comfy leggings and a soft sweater, but she hadn’t bothered to put any makeup on or done more with her hair than brush it.

“Come in.” She stepped aside to let him in and couldn’t help letting her eyes fall on his ass as he walked by.

“How are you feeling?” he asked as they headed into to the living room. They sat on the couch and he put the canvas bag at his feet.

“Okay, not great.”

“Have you been feeling sick?”

“It’s been getting worse the past few days. I was ready for morning sickness, but not for the all-day sickness.”

“Is that normal? Should we be worried?”

“Nicole said some women never feel even a cramp and others are sick morning, noon, and night.” She sighed. “I’m hoping it goes away after the first three months like hers did.”

“Are you okay with me giving her your number?”

“It was a little weird at first, but yeah. I’m grateful to have another woman to talk to.”

“I’m sorry you don’t have a lot of people in your life.”

“That was my choice.” She shrugged. “I didn’t choose my family, that sucked, but I chose to isolate myself.”

“I know what isolation feels like.” He blew out a breath and gave her a forced smile. “Especially self-imposed isolation.”

“You don’t have to be alone anymore.” The words slipped out before she could stop them.

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying we need to figure out where we stand and what we want. I know the baby has thrown a wrench in things and is making us move fast, but maybe it isn’t the worst thing.”

“Allie…” his voice trailed off as he looked at her.

“I know why you said those things to me the other day. And I want you to know I understand. I did some research on PTSD and how it can affect people.”

“I hate how I lashed out at you.”

“I’m not exactly pleased with what you said, but I know why. Now that I have a better idea of what you’re going through I want to help you.”

“I never wanted to drag you into this.”

“You didn’t. I’m choosing to be involved.”

“I’m sorry, Allie. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I did, and not just the last time we talked. I mean when I sent you that letter. It was the wrong way to deal with my grief and I hurt you.”

“You were nineteen and at war. I wish things had been different, but it’s in the past. I want to focus on now, and on the future. What’s done is done, Ben. We need to stop using the past as a reason to sabotage the future.”

“I agree.”

“So, what are you thinking?”

“I don’t think I got around to telling you this, but I’m happy.”

“Ben?”

“I’m happy you’re back in my life. That you’re still the same Allie I knew. I’m really happy about the baby, and I want to be here for you in any way I can.”

“What do you mean?” She had to hear him say exactly what he wanted.

“I’m here for you, Allie. I’m here to support you no matter what. If you need something, I’ll get it. If you want something, I’ll find it. I want to be there for you.”

“And if I wasn’t pregnant? Would you still want to be there for me?”

“No.”

Her heart fell at his words. He only wanted her because she was carrying his child.

“Not like that. I’m sorry. That came out wrong.” He shook his head. “I mean I wouldn’t want to be there for you. I’d want to be with you.”

She just stared at him.

“I love you, Allie Cat. I’ve loved you since I was fourteen, and I never stopped. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved, and I’ll be in your life in any capacity you’ll let me.”

Allie had to take a second to blink back the tears prickling in her eyes. He loved her? After all this time he was still in love with her? She felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders, and a wave of happiness and relief washed over her.

“I love you too, Ben. I always have.”

He gave her a huge, beaming smile as he reached out for her, and that look of pure joy on his face was her undoing.

Tears spilled over her eyes as a sob escaped her lips.

“Come here.” Ben reached out and pulled her onto his lap so he could hold her. “It’s okay, Allie. Just let it all out. I’ve got you.”

At his words she gave into her tears, crying out all of the fear, pain and loneliness she’d bottled up inside. With every falling tear or hiccupping sob, she felt better. When she was finished crying it actually felt as though her chest had opened up and she was able to pull in a full breath for the first time in almost three weeks.

“Better?” he asked as he tipped her chin up so he could look into her eyes.

“I’m a mess.” She tried to look away. “I’m an ugly crier.”

“You’re beautiful. I’ve seen you cry a lot over the years and you’ve never once been anything but beautiful to me.”

“I’m going to cry again if you keep saying such nice things.”

“I guess I’ll have to tone down the awesome while your hormones are running wild.” He grinned slyly at her.

“Yeah, that did it.” She laughed and shook her head. “Sappy tear mood broken.”

“I meant what I said, Allie. I love you. I’ve loved you as a friend since we were eight, and as my soulmate for almost twenty years.”

“I love you too, Ben. I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember. No matter where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing, I’ve loved you.”

He pressed their foreheads together and drew in a ragged breath.

“The last thing I’m ever going to say about the past is I’m sorry I robbed us of the last fourteen years.” He looked into her eyes before giving her a deep and hot kiss. “I swear I’ll spend the rest of my life making up for it.”

“Just love me.” She shook her head and kissed him briefly. “Don’t try to make up for anything. Just love me and be with me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted or needed.”

“I do love you.”

“Then that’s all I need.”

“I want to show you something.” He shifted so he could reach into his back pocket. She watched as he pulled his arms away from her and opened his wallet.

“You kept it?” she asked in a breathy voice when she saw what he’d been looking for.

He’d pulled the silver promise ring she’d bought him out of the billfold.

“I’ve kept it on me since the day you gave it to me. When I couldn’t wear it I had it on my dogtags. When I came home I put it in my wallet. I’ve carried it, and you, with me every day.”

“Wait right here.” She grinned and slid off his lap.

She hurried upstairs and into her room. She pulled a memory box out of her closet and opened it.

Right there on the top was the ring he’d given her. She pulled it out of the box and went back downstairs.

“You kept your ring? Even after what I did?” he asked as she sat next to him and handed him the ring.

“I might have taken it off but I couldn’t let it go. It was the symbol of our love and I needed to keep it close. I never once thought of getting rid of it.”

He looked at the ring and then up at her, a soft smile playing on his full lips.

“Alison Chase, will you wear my ring again?”

“Ben?” Her heart fluttered in her chest at his words.

“This time as a promise ring. I promise to be there for you and with you, and when the time is right I’ll get you a new ring. One that symbolizes our new love and family.”

“Are you asking me to marry you?”

“Not yet. When I do, I’ll do it properly and the way you deserve. Right now I’m asking you to accept my commitment to you, and to show you how I feel and what I want.”

“Oh, Ben.”

“It’s us, Allie. We’re meant for each other.”

“Yes. I will wear your ring again.”

He grinned as he slipped the ring on the third finger of her left hand.

“I’m going to keep this ring with me forever.” He nodded to the ring he was still holding. “It’s been to hell and back with me, and helped me through some rough times.”

“We’ll get you a new one when the time is right.” She smiled and gave him a quick kiss. “A new symbol for a new commitment.”

“I’d like that.”

She waited as he put the ring back in his wallet and slipped it into his pocket. When the ring was safe he smiled up at her and wrapped his arms around her body again.

“Mmmmm, this feels really nice.” She sighed as she leaned against his strong frame.

“It feels right.”

“It does,” she agreed.

They sat in silence for a while, just enjoying feeling the other. Allie didn’t know if it was Ben or just good timing, but she was feeling a lot better now. Her stomach was settled and the tension in her body was gone. 

“So, what’s in the bag?” she asked casually as she glanced up at him.

“I was wondering how long you’d be able to hold back.” He chuckled and kissed the tip of her nose.

“I think I did pretty good.”

“I’d say so. I figured you’d last until I sat down.”

She laughed and kissed the crook of his neck. “I’ve become a little more patient over the years.”

“That’s good to know.” He helped her slide off his lap. “Here. See for yourself.”

He handed her the bag and she looked at him curiously before peeking inside. The first thing she saw was a plastic container. She pulled it out of the bag and saw another underneath the first. She pulled the second one out of the bag and set them both on the table. At the bottom of the bag was an envelope.

She pulled the envelope out and looked at Ben. He was grinning at her. With a shrug she opened the envelope and pulled out a card. As her eyes scanned the front she burst out laughing.

“I couldn’t find a card that said what I wanted.” Ben shrugged as he laughed with her.

The message should have read ‘Sorry for your loss’, but Ben had crossed out everything except the ‘Sorry’ and had written in his own message.

“Sorry for being such a dick.” She laughed even harder as she read the card out loud.

“Open it up.”

She shook her head at him and opened the card. A piece of folded paper fell out into her hand and she put it aside for a moment. Again he’d crossed out what was written and put in his own message.

“I can’t promise it won’t happen again, but next time you get a free shot.” She looked up at him. “That’s very generous of you, but I don’t think I’ll cash in on those.”

“No?”

“Not my thing.”

“Hmmm. How about you get a massage?” He grinned wickedly at her. “I give a mean back and foot massage.”

“That is definitely my thing. I’ll take it.”

“So, does this one count?”

“Consider this one your freebie. Next time those hands are mine.”

“Deal.”

“So, what’s that?” She nodded to the letter.

“It’s to show you that I’m serious about making this work.”

She opened the letter and scanned through it. “Am I reading this wrong, or are you starting work with a local company in four days.”

“It’s not your reading skills.”

“Ben? That’s fantastic!”

“I need to prove to you that I’m willing to settle here and get a job, be a productive member of society. I have a purpose and I’ll be able to take care of you.”

“Wow. This is really great. I knew you would never do it, but there was a part of me that worried you might bolt in a few months if it all became too much.”

“I’m in it for the long haul. I’m not going to lose you again. Not ever.”

“This means a lot to me. It really shows me that you want to stay and build a home here, with us.”

“I plan to. You are my home, Allie. Both of you.”

She smiled and glanced at the containers. She had no idea what was in them and was dying to find out.

He laughed and nodded to the bowls. “Curious?”

“Dying.”

“Why don’t you open them and see?”

With a grin she pulled the top off the container closest to her and immediately burst out in new peals of laughter as she opened the other one.

He’d brought a big container of strawberries and another of chocolate pudding.

“Where did you find strawberries this time of year? They’re way off season. The ones at the grocery stores look pretty sad at the moment, these look incredible.”

“I had to hunt them down. They’re from an organic farm, grown in a greenhouse.” He shrugged and gave her a crooked smile. “I didn’t understand half of what they told me. I just know they’re awesome.”

“They look awesome.”

“Can you eat them? Or are you still feeling sick?”

“I feel great right now. I don’t know if it was working things out or just a coincidence, but I feel better than I have in weeks.”

“You were under a lot of stress.” He picked up one of the berries and dipped it in the chocolate pudding. “And most of it was because of me.” He extended the berry out to her and she delicately took it from his fingers.

“Not all of it was you. Some of it was from me,” she said once she finished chewing.

“Nicole gave me her old baby books to read. Do you have some? I read pretty fast so I can pass them on to you when I’m done.” He popped a huge pudding laden berry in his mouth and chewed.

“You want to read baby books?” She had to admit, she was impressed.

“I really don’t know much about pregnancy and babies.” He shrugged and dipped a strawberry in the pudding for her. “I need to know what’s going on and what’s going to happen so I can help you.”

“You have no idea how much the fact that you took it on yourself to read the books means to me.” She took the berry from him and smiled as she chewed. “It really shows how much you care and you want to be a part of everything.”

“You might be carrying it, but we made it. I’m going to do whatever I can to make this as easy as possible for you.”

“Even when it gets crazy?”

“Nicole told me about a few of her more insane moments. I think I’m prepared for pretty much anything you throw my way.” He laughed and popped a berry in his mouth.

“Really? Like what?”

“Like the time she made Eric get up at three in the morning and drive half an hour to an open grocery store to get her a specific kind of ice cream.”

“Ice cream is a very important dietary staple for a pregnant woman.” She laughed and picked up one of the berries. She dipped it in the pudding and held it out to him, smiling as he took it.

“Then there was the time she spilled a glass of milk and cried for nearly an hour about how she’ll never be able to take care of a baby if she couldn’t even manage to not spill her drink.”

“Yikes.” She giggled and picked up another berry and popped it in her mouth.

“I think the craziest one she told me was about how she spent four days trying to move the living room furniture around. She wasn’t allowed to lift anything heavier than twenty pounds so Eric had to do it. After a dozen different configurations over four days she found one she liked.”

“Please don’t tell me it was the same as how it had been in the first place.”

“You got it.”

“Oh man, that’s a level of crazy I hope I don’t get to.”

“Same here. I can handle tears and rushing out for cravings in the middle of the night, but moving the furniture around for days might be too much for my patience.”

“I’ll try to keep my episodes to a single day.”

“I’d appreciate it.”

“It’s been so long since I had this.” She sighed as he held a berry out for her.

“You never made it for yourself?”

“It just wasn’t the same.” She shook her head. “I switched to berries and whipped cream.”

“Still yummy.”

“Very.” She nodded, grinning as Ben scooped up a huge amount of pudding on a relatively small berry and crammed it in his mouth to avoid dropping any part of it.

“I haven’t had it since our last time either,” he said when he was able to swallow his huge bite. “It’s like you said, it just wasn’t the same.”

“How about we have this as ‘our’ dessert?”

“I thought it always had been?”

“I mean, officially. We have it whenever we want to celebrate something.”

“Deal.” He grinned and picked up the largest berry in the container.

He held the berry out to her and Allie took a delicate bite, leaving half of the berry behind as she stared at him.

The look in his eyes was intense as he ate the rest of the berry, and when he licked the juice off his fingers Allie felt her body tighten.

Ben didn’t say anything. He just reached out for her hand.

Allie took it and allowed him to help her stand so she was right in front of him.

“You still in your old room?” he asked in a husky voice.

“Yeah, but it looks a lot different now.”

“I’m not really interested in the décor at the moment.” He gave her a heated grin and wrapped his arms around her.

Allie was about to say something witty and sarcastic when he suddenly lifted her in the air, holding her against his body so her feet dangled off the floor.

“Ben!” she almost shrieked as she wrapped her arms and legs around him, holding on tight. “I don’t want to hurt you—”

“You couldn’t.” He held her a little tighter. “I’ve got you, Allie Cat.”

She smiled contentedly and pressed her ear against his strong shoulder as he began to carry her out of the living room and toward the stairs.

An hour ago the only thing she’d been certain of was that she was still in love with Ben and needed to find a way to tell him.

Now she knew that he loved her, and he was going to settle in town and do whatever he could to help her.

She felt lighter and happier than she had since she was nineteen.

Ben was back in her life and he’d promised to stay. The future was filled with unknowns and obstacles, but she would never have to face anything alone again.

She finally had the family she’d always hoped for.

 

 

The End