August 2003

 

 

Allie was exhausted.

She’d worked every day for the last two and a half weeks and it was almost time to start getting ready to go back to school. Now that she’d had a chance to get into a routine she was starting to feel normal again.

She worried about Ben constantly, but had stopped watching the news and didn’t read the papers. She didn’t search out the names of the fallen or any other information. Not knowing was hard, but speculating had been killing her.

“You got a letter.”

“What?” She jumped at the voice behind her.

She’d been standing in the kitchen staring at her shelf in the fridge as she tried to figure out what to eat. It looked like it was either a tunafish sandwich or leftover spaghetti.

“You got a letter,” Casey repeated as he reached around her and grabbed a carton of juice. “I tossed it on your bed.”

“Thanks.” She pulled out the bowl of pasta and moved around him as he drank down what was left in the carton. “Is Chantal coming over?”

“Sabrina.” He grinned.

She laughed and put the bowl in the microwave. “What happened to Chantal?”

“She found out about Sabrina.”

“Well, whoever you have over tonight, can you try to keep it down a bit?”

“You gotta work tomorrow? I thought you had a few days off?”

“I do, and I’d actually like to get some sleep.”

“I’ll do my best, but you might want to put on the white noise maker I got you.”

“That works fine until you forget we have a shared wall.” She grinned as she pulled her half-warmed food out of the microwave. “One of these days you’re going to put your headboard right through it and end up in my room.”

“I’ll pull the bed back,” he promised.

“I appreciate it. Have fun with Sabrina.”

“I plan too.”

Chuckling Allie took her bowl, a fork and a can of soda up to her room. She didn’t feel like sitting at the table and being proper. She just wanted to put her pajamas on and read until she fell asleep.

When she got to her room she saw the letter Casey had been talking about, and she almost dropped her bowl and drink.

She knew the stamp on it. It had gone through the military mail system.

She put her food on her desk and rushed over to her bed. Ben hadn’t sent her a written letter yet and she excitedly ripped it open.

 

 

Dear Allie,

 

I know I’m breaking protocol by sending you this letter, and it’s usually the other way around, but I wanted you to be able to read it in my handwriting and not on a screen.

I need you to know I love you more than life itself. I meant what I said, you are my soulmate and my one true love. You are the only woman I’ve ever loved, and that’s why it’s killing me to write this.

Things are hard here. There’s so much going on I can’t tell you about, can’t talk about. It’s different from what I imagined, and it’s harder. I’m changing. The world is changing, and I know you’re changing.

Nothing would make me happier than coming home to you and starting the life we’d planned, but it can’t be like that anymore. You need to find someone else. You need to find someone better who better fits into your life. I was that person, but I honestly don’t know who I am anymore.

I wish it could be different. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write or even think. It’s over between us. I’m sorry and I love you so much, but it’s the way it has to be.

Take care of yourself. Have the best life you possibly can. Enjoy every moment and reach for your dreams and goals. I love you, Allie, and I hope you have a wonderful and fulfilling life.

 

Love, always and forever,

Ben

 

 

Allie stared at the letter as a wave of cold washed over her. There was a weird sound in her ears, it almost sounded like ocean waves crashing against a rocky shore. Her hand started to shake as her eyes misted over, and it was as if all of her energy rushed out of her body at the same moment.

She didn’t remember falling, didn’t realize it was happening, but she found herself on the floor of her room with Ben’s letter clutched in her hand. Time seemed to stand still. It was as though the entire world stopped spinning and she was trapped in the moment.

“Allie? Are you okay?”

Casey’s voice sounded weird, like it was coming through a filter and was very far away.

“Allie? Come on. Answer me or I’m coming in.”

The room around her began to shift and tilt and her vision began to fade in and out. What was happening to her?

“Allie? Holy shit, Allie!”

She felt two hands on her shoulders but couldn’t focus enough to look to see who was touching her.

“Allie? Come on. Help me get you off the floor.”

As Casey started to lift her she was brought back to reality. The veil of numbness and cold lifted as her mind and vision cleared, and then it was as if the world came crumbling down on top of her.

“Shhhh, it’s okay.”

Casey sat her down on the bed and knelt in front of her as she began to cry. Her entire body was shaking from the force of her sobs, and it felt as though she would break in two.

“Let go of the letter, Allie. Let me read it.”

It took a moment for her to open her hand, and when he’d pulled the letter away she crossed her arms over her chest, trying to keep herself upright.

“Oh Allie, I’m so sorry.”

She felt the bed dip as Casey sat next to her, and when his arm slid around her waist she gratefully turned toward him. He pulled her close and held her as she cried, rubbing her back as he soothed her.

It was over. Ben had broken up with her in a letter and that was that.

She had no way to call him to talk about this, to beg him to reconsider. He’d ended things and she’d lost not only her fiancée and lover, but also her best friend and soulmate.

He’d been her other half for eleven years and he’d promised her forever. They were supposed to be together for the rest of their lives, and he’d ended things while he was half a world away.

Ben was gone from her life and she didn’t know how she was supposed to live without him.