CHAPTER 17
Since she wasn’t allowed on engine number five and sent home for the day, Jessie began to walk, fury and terror challenging one another as she battled with herself over whether or not walking back to town or home was a great idea, given the fact she just learned Jason was, indeed, in McKenzie. For all she knew, he was nearby, lurking in the woods, waiting for an opportunity just like this. She was alone, vulnerable, exactly what he liked. Given the amount of anger and rage she was fueled with in that moment, she’d almost welcome his presence.
“Get in the car; I’ll take you,” Blake said, pulling up next to her in his SUV.
“No.”
“Jessie, get in the car. I’m taking you to the ER,” he said more directly.
“Not going.”
“You are, or you lose your job,” he reminded her.
Jessie gave him a tight eyed look and replied, “Don’t fucking care.”
“Yes, you do. You worked your ass off to get in the House and on that engine. So, you do fucking care
.”
Blake was right; Jessie had worked her ass off to get where she was. Not only was she working her way up in what’s typically considered a man’s world
, but she had additional challenges. At only five feet and a handful of inches, she was short with a petite build, which made proving herself even harder.
She was working with, or sometimes against, men two and three times her size, but she held her own. She could do everything they did. Sure, it took more effort, but she welcomed the challenge. It was liberating; it was freeing. Something she had needed so desperately when she started down this career path.
Jessie was stubborn, though, and had trouble seeing beyond the moment, hence her hostile reply, “Shit changes. I’m done.”
“Get your ass
in the car, Jessica
.”
She stopped in her tracks. “Jessica
? Seriously?”
“Am I in trouble…officer
?” she finished in a sultry voice.
Sitting in the middle of the road, Blake threw his vehicle in park and stared her down. “Get your ass
in the fucking
car, or…”
Jessie was tired of being told what she was and wasn’t going to do. “Or what, Coop?”
“Or, I’ll toss you over my shoulder and put you there myself – in front of everyone.”
Shaking her head, unimpressed, she continued to walk. “Fuck…you.”
Blake made good on his word. He jumped out of his vehicle, circling the front, and stood right in front of her, blocking her path. “You getting in?”
Without a word, she stepped around him, making her answer clear. So, he put his hands on her waist, which in turn made her panic.
“Don’t you dare, Blake, or I’ll…”
“Or you’ll what, Jessie…”
Standing in silence for a brief moment, he decided to follow through on his promise when she didn’t respond. Though she protested the entire time, he hoisted her up, tossed her over his shoulder and carried her to the passenger side of the car.
“Damn it, put me down, you…bully
.”
“Is that seriously the best you got? Bully?”
When she began to kick and fight him, he swatted her on the ass and said, “Calm down, damn it. Or, I’ll do it again…harder
.”
Hoots and hollers came from the gawking crew, much to Jessie’s humiliation, so she stopped fighting and chose to flip them off instead. Blake put her inside, even buckled her in for good measure.
With his finger pointed at her and a stern look, he said, “Move from that seat, and I’ll spank you again.”
It didn’t matter how upset and angry she was in the moment, a threat like that from Blake Cooper felt more like a promise. She scolded herself for allowing her mind to drift there, even if for only a moment…he was tempting her. So much so, she had to cross her legs a little tighter.
When he jumped in the driver side, he was quick to get out of there, driving far more than the speed limit allowed. She had pissed him off.
“You’re driving a little fast…”
“Stop it,” he said. “It isn’t cute. Not cute at all – your attitude, your behavior, what you did back there. Not cute.”
“I wasn’t trying to be…”
“I said stop. That means quiet. I talk; you listen…got it?” He tossed her a look of fury that easily matched her own. “You could have died back there, you know it? Died, Jessie. I know you are dealing with something – something big – and I get that you aren’t ready to or just don’t want to talk about it, but let’s get something clear. You don’t get to kill yourself. You don’t get to die, running from whatever the hell you’re running from. You don’t get to leave us, or…me.”
Blakes words stung. She wasn’t sure how to respond or even how to interpret what he was saying. Jessie had been so overwhelmed by the fear driven emotion that seeing those symbols drawn on the church walls created that she hadn’t thought about how her response impacted those around her, and it certainly hadn’t been intentional. She was caught off guard, much like she was right now.
“I wasn’t trying to leave anyone. I was…”
“I’m still talking. I don’t care what you thought you were or weren’t doing back there, but it stops. Now. If you won’t tell me how to help you, fine. Don’t tell me.” He looked at her for only a moment before turning his attention back to the road. “You need to stop fighting me and everyone else and let us help however we can. However I can. The tough girl bit – I see right through it, Jess. Right frickin’ through it. You’re scared, petrified even – I’ve seen it on your face when you wake up from those nightmares. Saw it when you reacted to the fire at the House and in your backyard. Saw it just now in that burning church. I know that look because I’ve seen it in the mirror myself. You don’t have to do this alone; I won’t let you.”
Blake just handed her ass back to her in a sling, and she deserved it. He was right about everything, but she didn’t know how to let him in or let him help. It was frightening enough for her. It would only be worse if she had to worry about him, too, but how was she supposed to say that, especially now?
Jessie turned to him and studied his expression. He was hurt by her actions it seemed. “Blake, I…”
“No. You don’t get to say anything right now. Nothing.” He paused and let out a deep sigh. “You were standing in the middle of a blazing inferno when the roof came down on you. When I saw you hit the ground, I thought…I thought you…”
This was a side of Blake she hadn’t witnessed before. He wasn’t angry…he was hurt… because of her. He was trying to tell her something more and couldn’t because whatever he was feeling was far too deep for even him.
“I’m…I…”
“No. I don’t want to hear it right now. Right now, I just want to be mad at you.” He sat at a four way stop sign, on a rural backroad, longer than he needed to before he turned to her and said, “It’s okay to be scared – but it’s also okay to let me help you.”
The next ten minutes to the hospital felt like hours. Blake was still fuming and mumbling under his breath while Jessie sat quietly, trying to reconcile all that he’d said. He cared, no doubt, but there was more. He was truly frightened by what had happened, what he witnessed. She couldn’t blame him because if the roles had been reversed, she would have felt the same. What did that mean, though?
Thoughts of Jason Bolton battled with her thoughts of Blake – her two worlds were colliding, and she didn’t like it. She couldn’t control it either. What she did know was that her fear of Jason Bolton was greater than her desire to let Blake in because letting him in meant sharing the threat. Jason was just too damn dangerous, and Blake was becoming more than just her friend, the cop.
In a small voice, without even looking his way, she said, “I want to tell you, but I can’t.”
Jessie sat on the gurney, still in her fire turnouts, in a small room in the ER, waiting to be evaluated. She wasn’t talking to anyone. She was done with that after Blake unloaded on her. Doc Charles and Carly were both working, which was a bonus. At least, she didn’t have to deal with people she didn’t know.
She could hear Blake in the hall, getting them up to speed on what happened so they didn’t waste any more time than needed. That was fine with her; she really didn’t want to talk about it. It was bad enough she had to think about it.
Doc walked in and stood in the doorway, but Blake came right up to her bedside and stared at her, his anger with her still apparent.
“What?” she asked, sharply.
He let out an annoyed guffaw and walked off, stopping at the doorway to talk to Doc, making sure he was loud enough for her to hear, too. “I’ll be back. Don’t discharge her until then. She isn’t to leave here without me.”
Doc first looked to her then back at Blake, likely deciding who the bigger threat was and who he should fear more. When Jessie rolled her eyes without even protesting, Doc nodded at Blake. She silently laughed to herself – how they even had friends was beyond her. The look on Doc’s face was priceless, but it wasn’t a fair position to put him or the others in. Normally, she would enjoy it, but today, she just couldn’t.
After Blake left, she went through a series of tests and exams to make sure there wasn’t anything more than smoke inhalation that she was combating. Initially, she had nurses and techs in and out of her room quickly, one after another, unlike a typical hospital visit where you waited for hours just to be seen. It paid to have friends in the right places it seemed – friends who were maybe a little afraid of you even.
But, when the revolving door of medical staff became fewer and fewer, and she was sitting there with her thoughts only, she decided that she was likely done, just waiting on Blake’s return. She wondered where he had gone – work or maybe to blow off steam.
Her mind wandered places she hoped to avoid, but the room was quiet – it was just her, and there wasn’t T.V. or even a magazine to distract her. Thinking about what ultimately landed her in that hospital room sent a shiver down her spine. Seeing those red symbols, one on each church wall, was some sort of trigger. It instantly took her back to that place, all those years ago, when Jason Bolton had held her.
The fire wasn’t just a way to get her there or even a means to kill her. No, the church fire had been symbolic too. It was a reminder of everything he did to her by the campfire and how he used it to hurt her – Jason knew exactly what he was doing. That’s just how much control he still had over her, and he knew it…he enjoyed it. It was all part of his game.
As much as she knew she was safe – or as safe as standing in the middle of a burning building could be – she couldn’t pull her mind back to present until it had almost been too late. Thinking back to her recovery, she remembered a social worker who came by her hospital room. He had said that there were some wounds that never healed and could be triggered by the simplest of things. It’s called PTSD
, he’d said, and don’t be surprised by it. Just get help.
Growing up, she hadn’t wanted to be a firefighter. She didn’t know what she wanted to be really. It was after the ordeal with Jason Bolton, and that man’s talk about PTSD, that generated the desire to become a firefighter. She wanted to face her fear – or trigger if you will – daily. It was her way of winning back a part of herself. It could no longer frighten her or take her back to that place of terror if she faced it and conquered it in her everyday life.
It had worked…until now. Fire was a welcome challenge with each call and a victory for more reasons than anyone knew. Until today. Today was different because Jason was clever, far more clever than she or anyone had given him credit for. It was the perfect combination, a recipe for disaster. The fire, the church, the symbols on the wall. They each meant something, and together, they were that trigger.
She couldn’t give it any more thought; it was overwhelming her just thinking about it. How she behaved at the scene was out of character and embarrassing, to say the least. It was the only way she knew how to act at the time, though. She didn’t understand what was happening, where the emotions were coming from. She just ran with them – acting out was oddly her only way to keep it together.
It was either fight the Chief, or lose her shit right there in front of everyone, including Blake. She wouldn’t do that, though. She had vowed to never show vulnerability again; she was a fighter, not a crier. So today, she fought…just with the wrong people. She’d find a way to fix it.