Chapter 15 - Vivian
I went home and cried it all out before Mason got home. I didn’t want him to see me like this and had always made an effort to be strong for him. I decided that we’d go out for pizza at the little place nearby that he loved and just have a good time. I had no intentions of quitting my job, I simply couldn’t afford it. I only wanted a transfer to an office where I would never see Carter again. I might have hidden something from him which I shouldn’t have, but he’d done the same to me. He used me for fun with his friend and given our past, that hurt even more than if I would have been just a random new PA. It wasn’t acceptable.
Mason and I had a great night at dinner and walked back home to have a bath and do some reading before he went to sleep. It was then that I let myself feel the pain all over again as I curled up in my bed and cried my eyes out.
A part of me wanted to just leave the job and find something else, but my life was not all about me anymore. I needed to do the best thing for Mason and I could work there and not see Carter. There had to be thousands of employees and most of them probably didn’t even know Carter. I wanted to be one of those people.
I thought about the trip to LA and how badly I wanted him that first night we made love. It felt so perfect to me, just like the nights that followed. He romanced me so well the weeks following that trip and I felt my eyes well with tears as I remembered how I had believed that he was sincere.
I wondered if he told his friend that we slept together and if it was in time for him to win the bet. How much money was I worth? It made my stomach turn to think that he had done this before with other women. The text message had mentioned a fuck list and I pinched my eyes closed.
Carter had a list. He slept with women and he and his friend bet money over it. It was sick, but I shouldn’t be surprised. He’d been a player in high school, and now he was the big man in New York City. He probably had women throwing themselves at him and I cringed as I thought about the unprotected sex that we had so many times. I would go and get tested as soon as possible. I would never be so stupid again.
Ever.
I slept poorly that night. In the morning, I took a shower before waking Mason up. I dressed in black slacks and a white shirt. I looked in the mirror and saw my red eyes. I did what I could so Mason wouldn’t notice, pulling my hair into an easy ponytail.
He got off to school fine and I took the train in, sipping coffee as I thought about talking to Pam from HR. She was a nice woman and I’d just tell her that I wasn’t comfortable working with Carter. There didn’t have to be any accusations or knowledge of us sleeping together. She’d work with me if I wasn’t comfortable. It was a big company.
I heard the announcement of my stop and glanced up with wide eyes. I was mentally drained and forced myself to get off with the crowd. I walked the few blocks to the beautiful building that used to hold so much hope to me.
I was later than usual. I had no intention of going to Carter’s office so I went to Pam’s office and asked her PA if I could have a word with Pam. The girl’s face took on a fearful expression when I told her my name. She said that she’d notify Pam that I was here. I dropped down into a seat and sighed heavily as I grasped the little strength that I had left.
Not much later, Pam came up to me and told me to come in, scanning the hallway behind us. I followed her to her office and looked out at the buildings as I mustered up the courage to tell her what I wanted. She settled into her seat and sipped her coffee. “What can I do for you, Vivian?” I took a deep breath.
“I was hoping for a transfer, to be honest.”
“Why?” she asked, frowning at me. Concern laced her voice.
“I’m just not comfortable working for him,” I said, hoping she wouldn’t ask further.
“Is he harassing you?” she pressed on. I heard the door open behind me and her eyes stared past me. I turned to see Carter standing in the doorway. I pushed back against the seat as he strode in and stared at Pam.
“Can you leave us alone? Vivian and I need to talk,” he said coldly to her. She pushed away from her desk and shot me a sympathetic look. He was her boss and she had to do what he wanted. I closed my eyes as she left and he closed the door.
“What do you want?” I asked weakly, feeling all of my pain return.
“What are you doing here?” His voice was ragged and demanding and I sighed.
“I was asking for a transfer, Carter. I want to work here but I can’t bear the idea of working with you. I can’t see you after knowing about that text and what you did.” I stared at the floor as he pulled up a chair and sat in front of me.
“The bet was wrong but I think that you might be hiding something from me as well.” I looked at him, trying to calm down the sudden pounding of my heart. “Your son has my grandmother’s eyes, Vivian. Why the fuck does he have her eyes and I have never known a thing about him? I don’t even know his name.” I started to cry as he leaned closer. “Is he my son?”
I rested my face in my hands and cried harder. “I’m so sorry, Carter,” I said in between two sobs. “Yes. Mason is your son.” I heard him push back the chair. He said something to Pam before leaving the room. I reached for a tissue from her desk to clean myself up before she’d come in. But it was useless.
“He said that you won’t be leaving the company, Vivian,” Pam said as she closed the door behind her. “Listen, I don’t know what happened between you but go ahead and take the day off until I hear more. It will be paid per his orders.” She looked sad and curious as I nodded and reached for another tissue.
“Thank you. I’ll wait for your call,” I said in a shaking voice. I stood and took a deep breath. I had no idea what was going to happen but it sounded like I still had a job. I just didn’t have Carter.
I left the building and took the train home, ignoring the looks from the other passengers as I kept crying. Everything was uncertain right now, apart from the fact that I was getting paid for today. I was getting paid to lose my mind and know that my son’s father hated me. I was pretty sure I hated him for what he did as well but that didn’t seem to matter as much right now. I was in love with him and my lie ruined any chances with him.
I made my way home once I was at my stop, locking myself inside the house for a few hours before Mason came home. It was a repeat of yesterday with an even more uncertain future. I didn’t know what I was going to do except try the best I could for my son. We’d be okay together. I had always taken care of him on my own and I could keep doing that.
I could do this without Carter. I could get over him all over again and be stronger for it. I cried until it was time for Mason to come home. I rinsed my face with cold water before calling Lainie to tell her that I’d get him today.