Chapter Fifteen – Healing
Would he believe her or think she was lying? Julia twisted her hands, willing herself to be strong and steady – to tell the bare truth and accept whatever came after. He had no reason to forgive her or take her back. Claiming love wasn't a reason for him not to be angry with her anymore. It didn't excuse what she had done.
"Are you being serious right now?" The prince was tense, making her want to take back Henry before they woke him.
Instead, she nodded. "I know it doesn't excuse anything. I just . . . I just wanted to tell you. I fell in love with you a little at a time and by the time I realized what I was doing, it was too late."
Benjamin grinned. Then he laughed out loud. Julia frowned, pulling her arms tighter around herself. She supposed she deserved it after what she pulled. Now he could gloat about it all he wanted. The confession burned her tongue, his laughter making her face burn. She reached for Henry, muttering about putting him down for a nap, and fled to the bedroom. There, she settled him into the bassinet and took deep gulps of air to calm herself down.
She fully expected that the prince would have left in the meantime, but when she stepped into the den, he was there. He grinned at her, his eyes soft and warm. Her heart jumped to her throat at the sight, but she forced herself not to react. It didn't mean what she thought.
"You love me, huh?" Benjamin reached for her, though she stayed stiff. "Well, I guess that means I might just have to marry you."
That again. Julia pulled away, hands clenching. "You don't have to mock me. I know what I did was wrong and I'm sorry for that. But I'm not going to let you treat me like I'm expendable. It was a mistake and I'm trying to make it right and I understand you can't forgive me, but you don't have to be cruel."
"Who said I can't forgive you?"
Julia gasped as his hands ran down her sides, ending on her hips. He pulled her flush against him, grinding against her. Heat rushed through her body as she felt him, already hard, through their clothing. Her cheeks flushed and her chest started heaving as much as she wanted to stop her reaction. Her jaw hung slack as she stared up at him.
"But . . . but . . . What I did," she choked out. "You can't be serious right now."
Benjamin dropped a kiss to her mouth. It made sparks burst under her skin, traveling to every part of her. Her lips tingled and something tightened inside of her.
"I am serious," he whispered. "Marry me, Julia."
Her body ached to say yes, but Julia shook her head. She had to think rationally. Had to stay in control. This wasn't going to end well, no matter how strong her feelings were. Yeah, she loved him, but she had also treated him horribly. He couldn’t just forget that, could he? Her fingers curled into his shirt, wanting to pull him closer but not daring to do so.
"I can't get married for political reasons," she blurted out.
"Then don't. Get married because you love me and I love you."
Tears flooded her eyes. Seriously? "But how can you love me after what I did?"
Another kiss had her blood firing. Her eyes drifted closed as Benjamin teased her mouth open. This wasn't an answer but she didn't care. With a moan, her hands drifted over his chest, beginning to unbutton his shirt. Her fingertips brushed over his hot, smooth skin.
"I love you," he whispered. "And maybe forgiveness will take a little while. But Julia? I'm well on my way there already."
It was all she needed to hear. Her arms wrapped around him as though moving of their own accord. The sound of their kissing filled the space between them. Benjamin's hands wrapped in Julia's hair, pulling her closer as he teased her mouth open, still grinding against her. She grasped his hips to bring herself against him as tightly as she could, desperation and warmth filling her.
Her heart felt like it was going to burst, it was so full of happiness and relief. She swung one leg over his hip and Benjamin caught it, then lifted the other. Holding her tightly, he carried her to the couch and set her down on it, kneeling between her legs. There were a tearing noise and the sound of buttons popping off as he ripped off his shirt before reaching for hers. Julia lifted her arms above her head so he could remove it more easily.
"No bra," he growled, both of his huge hands fondling her breasts. "Good. Don't need it. Love the way you look. So beautiful. So big."
Julia laughed. "So big that I need a bra or else they're bouncing all over the place and giving me a backache."
Benjamin shook his head. "I love watching them bounce all over the place. But I guess you can be on your back this time so you don't get a backache."
"That's not what I meant—"
His head dropped, mouth seeking out first one nipple and then the other. Her breasts tightened, shooting zings of pleasure down her spine and into her core. Julia's back bowed as she let out a throaty moan. The prince pulled her pants off before moving back to her mouth and giving her a slow, deep kiss that had her heart pounding.
"Are you okay with this?" he whispered. "I don't want to do anything you don't want."
"I want it," Julia gasped back breathlessly. "Don't stop."
His hands coasted over her body, leaving a glowing, tingling feeling in their wake. Her eyes closed as his mouth returned to her breasts and one hand slipped between her legs. He focused in quickly, finding the little nub that sent shivers jolting down Julia's legs. She gasped, pushing her hips back as the sensations burst through her. Benjamin's hands spread her legs further and he lowered his head between her thighs, quickly readying her. Julia's head fell back, her fingers digging into his scalp as her eyes rolled into the back of her head.
"Ready for me?" the prince moaned, breath wafting over her thighs.
"Yes," she breathed. "Always."
He moved back up, shifting her so she was laying down on the couch, one leg up over the back of it. He cupped her face in his hands, his thumb rubbing over her mouth as he slowly entered. It was so different from their first time. There was no confusion, no haze of lust blinding her. She saw every detail, the look of exquisite pleasure that crossed over his face, the way he held his mouth partially open, the way his eyes stayed on hers.
Watching him watching her as they made love set everything ablaze. If past times were explosive, this was the best yet. Not because of a fiery passion, but because for the first time, she felt like her body and his body were two parts of the same whole. As the tightening filled her, bringing her ever closer to the edge, it was as though their souls were combining.
They finished together with great cries of triumph and relief, backs arching, faces flushed, bodies crashing together on the final few thrusts. Benjamin dropped over her, just barely holding himself up with his arms. His hands cradled her skull as he moaned lightly in her ear.
Eventually, he pulled back enough for her to turn onto her stomach. They made love that way and then on their sides. At long last, they settled back on the couch together, bodies slick with sweat and weak from exertion. Benjamin's arms were tight around her, holding her as though he was never going to let her go. She didn't want him to. She wanted to spend the rest of her life in his arms.
"Benjamin?"
"Yeah?"
"I really am sorry. For using you."
"I know." He kissed the back of her neck. "And I understand why you did what you did. We can't undo what happened, but trust me when I say that I'll get over it. And honestly . . . maybe I did deserve it."
Julia shook her head. How could he even think that?
The prince chuckled. "Maybe I did. I don't remember Cynthia. I don't remember most of them. I could see them walking the street and not know their faces. I told myself that I was clear in what I wanted and that there was nothing besides the physical act. But I was so caught up in what I wanted, the pleasures I desired, that I didn't really think about whom I was using to achieve that. Who I was hurting. What I did was wrong."
She buried herself deeper into his arms, not knowing how to respond to that. There was something else hanging over them as well. She had managed to push it to the back of her mind while they were making love, but now it returned full-force. Her mouth was dry as she turned to look into his eyes.
"What are you going to do if Caitlyn accepts your offer of marriage?"
Benjamin flinched. "I don't know. If I refuse, we'll be back on the edge of war." A dark look passed over his face.