CHAPTER 11
Lauren
I started hyperventilating halfway to my room. Did that just happen? Had Graham just confessed he wanted me and then shown me an impressive amount of proof? I closed the door of my bedroom and leaned forward, closed my eyes and braced my hands on my knees.
Okay, first it was necessary to determine if I was dreaming. To do this I used a method I’d come up with as a child. I imagined a hatch door in my head and opened it. My subconscious could take me to some scary places but I’d never let it beat me. The method was effective with nightmares so it was reasonable to theorize it would be with fantasy fulfilling dreams as well. I didn’t want to buy into the idea of Graham wanting me only to wake and realize I was still on the couch waiting for him to arrive after Jack and Hope left.
I opened my eyes. Still here.
Oh, my God. So, this was real.
I called Jack but he didn’t answer. He obviously didn’t want to hear my opinion. Telling him off wasn’t the purpose of my call, though, so I kept to what was. I told him Graham needed time to work through what had happened before he’d talk to either of them. I was debating what else to add when the voicemail beeped and asked me if I was satisfied with my message. I said yes because, really, what else was there to say?
I straightened then, and on autopilot began to hunt through my suitcase for my ski pants. I couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d said. Last night wasn’t about any woman—he wanted me.
I hugged my pants to my chest and sat on the edge of my bed. I might have been offered my one and only chance with him and ruined it. I made things complicated when they could have been gloriously simple.
How simple would the next day have been even if we’d gone all the way?
I took several calming breaths. Very few things in life or nature were one-time occurrences. Patterns were everywhere.
And they often repeated.
Over-thinking a situation until I couldn’t enjoy it was a prime example.
I mentally ran through Graham’s additions to my list. There wasn’t a single thing on there that I normally would have chosen to do. It wasn’t that I was afraid, per se. I just knew myself. Snow tubing sounded fun in theory, but casualties happened each year—some fatal. The circular nature of the tube provided a rider with only a minimal amount of control. Ice. Speed. Trajectory. Path obstructions. There were too many unknown variables for me to ever enjoy it.
Unknown variables—just like sex with Graham held.
The night before I had held myself back and it had cost me my chance to know an intimate side of him. If I said no to the list I would cheat myself of knowing another piece of him.
Was mitigating risk worth the cost of what it kept me from experiencing? The concept of risk itself was subjective and relied on more than external observable factors. People viewed the same event differently based on personality, experience, or cultural norms—and those variables were not constants—making growth and change possible. Graham applied that philosophy to his football career. He’d designed a plan for me to grow from.
Snow tubing.
Sky diving.
Disney.
At least, that was what I wanted to believe the list was about. He might be trying to regain control of an impossible situation. Or his goal might be to prove to himself that we’re too different for each other.
A memory came back to me from years before. I was on the porch bench swing of my parents’ home—crying. Jack walked by, but Graham stopped and asked me if I was okay. I’d tried to say I was, but had ended up gushing to him that no one at the college I was attending talked to me. He sat next to me on the swing and gave me a playful punch to the arm. “Fuck them, you’ve got me.” I smiled at the memory.
I no longer had to ask why he’d written the list. In my heart I knew. He knew I needed this—we needed this. Suddenly I was less opposed to the idea of skiing one of the more challenging hills. Broken bones heal; I never would if I lost Graham.
Life was full of repeating patterns, and if doing everything on that list gave me another chance with Graham, I was all in. I stood and stepped into my ski pants. I gathered the rest of my gear and headed out of my room to find Graham.
He was dressed and waiting for me near the door. His expression was dark until he saw me and a teasing smile lit his face. “I thought I might have to come in after you.”
I almost said, “I would have liked that.” Instead, I rolled my eyes skyward. He said he couldn’t do complicated and that was understandable considering everything that was going on with Jack and Hope. “You aren’t going to be unbearably smug the whole day, are you?”
He shrugged as if it were a distinct possibility.
I added, “Because then I may have to leave your ass in my dust.”
“Oh, really?” he chuckled, as he held my jacket out for me.
I turned, slid my arms in and glanced at him over my shoulder. “Really,” I said cheekily. Desire flashed in his eyes and it set my heart thudding wildly. Maybe we couldn’t go back to exactly how we were before last night, but maybe, just maybe, if I took it slowly and didn’t over-think it we could have something even better.
His smile turned tender and he turned to open the door for me. When I stepped forward and next to him, he said, “All it takes, Lauren, is believing you can and you will.”
It might have sounded like recycled locker room speech, but his expression was tender. Referencing us and not the challenges, I said, “I’m not afraid anymore.”
We exchanged a long look.
He closed the door behind me. “Don’t look at me that way, Peanut. What Jack and Hope did was fucked up, but I can handle it. If I hurt you, it would gut me. I’d never be the same. I look at you and I want to carry you right to my bed and finish what we started. But I need you to be the strong one. Don’t let me become someone I’ll hate.”
In my mind we were back on the swing at my parents’ house and this time he needed me. I could over-think it and make it all about me or I could be the kind of friend he’d always been to me. Wherever this went, the idea of hurting him gutted me as well. So, I gave him what he was asking for. I punched him playfully in the arm and said, “I don’t know about you, but I came here to ski. Can we forget all the other shit and hit the slopes?”
His smile returned. “Please.”
We talked about the weather and the run options on the way to the lifts. He looked torn about which one to choose. I dragged him toward the one with a black diamond, the toughest course. I told myself I wasn’t scared, but I could barely breathe as I took a seat next to him and our feet left the ground.
“I’ve done this hill before. It’s not so bad.”
There was no time to confirm his impression of the hills with statistics. No time to check the conditions or the challenges of the course. I would soon be racing forward with no idea of what lay ahead. Enjoying it would require believing in myself as well as Graham.
We reached the top of the run and slid off the ski lift. The view was breathtaking, unlike anything I’d seen from below. Okay, let’s do this.
Graham was at my side. “Take it slow, Peanut. You don’t have to become a daredevil all in one day. In fact, I’d prefer that you wouldn’t.”
I felt the first rush of adrenaline but this time embraced it. “I’m fine, Graham. I know I can do it. Do you know why?”
He looked at me in bemusement. “No.”
I pushed off instead of answering. I’d tell him one day, but not that day. The pitch brought speed I’d never experienced. I dug in, used what I’d learned from years of instruction to go even faster.
A side glance confirmed he was skiing with me but at a distance, there to pick me up if I fell—just as he’d been doing most of my life. How could I not love him?
I returned my attention to the course and let myself really fly for the first time in my life.