CHAPTER 24
Lauren
The next day I was in my bedroom at my childhood desk looking over my hiring packet from the Jeffersonian. Jack knocked on my door even though it was open. “May I come in?”
I closed the binder before answering. “Sure.” I hadn’t seen Jack in person since Aspen. He was still on my shit list, but he was also my only sibling. The thought of losing him as well as Graham was unsettling.
He sat on the edge of my bed and rested his elbows on his knees. “Hope and I broke up.”
I was tempted to cheer, but I didn’t. Dad had told me several times that he had never seen Jack behave the way he had recently. “Love makes men stupid sometimes,” he’d said.
I could have told him it wasn’t an exclusively male affliction. No matter how many times Graham pushed me away, no matter what my rational brain told me, my heart refused to give up on him. So, really, could I judge Jack for following his heart? “Sorry to hear that.”
“Actually, she broke it off with me.”
If he was looking for pity from me I didn’t have any for him. Not yet. I put a hand on my hip and simply stared at him.
His shoulders slumped forward. “She was already dating someone new.”
“Shocker.”
“I thought she was the one. I’m such a fucking idiot.”
I moved to sit beside him. “Yeah, you are.”
He shook his head with a sad smile. “Dad said you saw Graham. How was he?”
“I thought you no longer gave a shit about him.”
“You know I didn’t mean that. I was angry.”
“You had no right to be. You deserved that punch.”
“I know. I feel like someone gutted me. Nothing matters right now. Not my new job. Nothing. What is fucking wrong with me? Why would I do this?”
I sighed and remembered something Kelley had once said regarding couple counseling. “Most people don’t set out to hurt anyone. Betrayals start as small lapses in judgment. Like a married person who goes to bars every night without their spouse. Purely based on statistical probability, eventually they will meet someone who makes them take a second look, then laugh—or yearn. I don’t think you set out to break Hope and Graham up. Knowing you, at first you were just trying to be nice to her. The two of you clicked. That led to—well, we know where that led.”
“It felt real, you know? When I was with her nothing else mattered. My brain knew it was wrong, but my di—my heart had other plans.”
I totally understood that feeling. “I’m glad you’re sorry. Not glad you’re sad or that Hope left you, but I didn’t feel like I knew you when you were with her.”
“I didn’t know myself.”
We sat in silence for a long time. I didn’t know what else to say and it seemed that Jack felt the same way. Eventually, he asked, “Is Graham okay?”
It was a simple question that if answered honestly would require a complicated response. Graham had shared a side of himself with me that I didn’t think he’d ever even shared with Jack. It wouldn’t have felt right to divulge what I had learned. One day, if Graham wanted him to know, he would tell him in his own time and on his terms.
How was Graham? He’d sought treatment early and was maintaining a lifestyle to support it. If he continued on that path, there was no reason to believe he couldn’t succeed both in football and in his personal relationships. Good communication with someone who understood the challenges he’d face and who could support him if he faltered. Medications sometimes required adjustments, but if he remained proactive he would be more than okay.
Me? I still felt like everything I cared about was sand slipping away between my fingers. How could I be so widely accepted as intelligent and feel so lost when it came to knowing what to do next? Gutted. Yes, Jack had described exactly how I felt. “He’s doing better than I am. I miss him.”
“Me, too. I didn’t believe Graham really loved her. I knew she didn’t love him. She couldn’t and look at me the way she did. I feel even worse knowing I messed up your friendship with Graham, too. If I could go back and undo it, I would.”
I looked across the room at my collage of the three of us over the years. Never, ever had I imagined it would end. “It wasn’t all you. I screwed up, too.”
“You slept with Graham?”
He didn’t sound shocked so I didn’t deny it. “I thought it was our chance to finally be together. I was just as stupid as you were. I rushed him and it fell apart. We’re not friends now. I don’t know what we are.”
Jack put his arm around my shoulders. “You’ve always had a thing for him.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry, Lauren. I know how much it sucks to love someone who doesn’t feel the same way.”
I sighed.
“Do you remember when he brought his prom date here so Dad could take photos of them? And you spilled your chocolate milk on her dress?”
“By accident,” I defended even as the memory brought nostalgic warm feelings back.
“Sure. That story might have worked with Dad and Graham, but I saw you flash your braces at her before you tripped. You wanted to bite her.”
“I have never and would never bite anyone.” I remembered hating that the perfect body and features of his date that night had made me wonder if we were the same species. I wondered how I’d feel if I were faced with that scenario again. Being with Graham had taught me as much about myself as it had him. I no longer thought I was ugly. In my own way, I was beautiful. And brave. And resilient.
Jack chuckled then sobered. “You’re human. Just like me. Just like Graham. Do you remember when you were thirteen and had a crush on some geek at school?”
That felt like another lifetime, but I vaguely remembered it. “Yes, Steven Bins. He asked me out on a date then he stood me up.”
Jack smiled. “Oh, he showed up, but Graham and I agreed you were too young to date. We were tossing a ball around the front yard. Graham and I asked him a few questions, just to make sure we were all on the same page as far as how he would behave with you, and he pissed himself when Graham described exactly what would happen if he touched you.”
“Oh, my God, he didn’t.”
“It was fucking hilarious.”
“Why didn’t you say anything? You let me believe I was stood up.” I shook my head. “No wonder Steve never looked me in the eye again. I thought he’d changed his mind about liking me.”
“No, he pissed himself like a scared five-year-old and is probably still in therapy about it.”
“That’s not funny.”
Jack cocked his head to one side and measured an inch in the air. “Not even this much?”
I shook my head.
Jack shrugged. “I’m just saying that none of us are perfect. Maybe that’s why we all get along so well.”
I smiled reluctantly and pinched the air. “I’m this much less fucked up than you are.”
Jack shook his head and showed a smaller section of nothing. “This much if at all.”
Just like that Jack and I were back. I took a moment to soak it in. My brother could be the bane of my life. Over the years he’d often been the reason I would go into my room and slam the door. Later, though, we always made up because there was a better side to him—this side. I knew he loved me, and I knew he loved Graham.
Jack stood. “Dad’s cooking dinner. You coming down?”
I looked over at the binder on my desk. I still had time before my job started, but thinking about the extensive probationary process was a welcome escape I wasn’t ready to put aside. “I don’t know.”
Jack picked up one of my pillows and wacked me on the arm with it. “You’re not staying in your room. Come on.”
I grabbed the pillow from him and threw it at him. “Don’t tell me what to do.”
He wacked me with the pillow again. “Get up.” When I rose to my feet, he said, “You’re going to be okay.”
“I know.” I hugged the pillow to my chest. “It’ll take time, though.”
“Everything that’s worth it does.”
I tossed the pillow back on the bed. “Stop. Wait. Grab a calendar. Did you just say something that might be considered mature? I need to document this anomaly.”
“Says the woman who still sleeps with a teddy bear.” He held up a stuffed animal from my bed and waved it in my face.
“It’s better than your VHS porn collection.” I grabbed the bear from him and threw a pillow at him. He threw it back.
Dad popped his head in the door of my bedroom. “Still trying to kill each other. Looks like things are back to normal. Who’s hungry?”