CHAPTER 27
Lauren
Dressed in bathing suits beneath our clothing, we headed out early the next morning. Captain Sid met us at his office and explained that we would be snorkeling off the side of his houseboat near where he had exclusive knowledge of where many manatees gathered this season. Each time he bragged, he flashed us a sparsely-toothed smile. I told myself that his personal hygiene habits did not necessarily predict his ability to safely guide us along the river.
Graham and I exchanged a look just before we boarded his houseboat. He was adorably uncertain and my doubts fell away. Unlike the first hotel room, I would love this tour—regardless of how it went because Graham was with me and doing this solely for me.
The water around the boat was covered with a plant I didn’t recognize but that reminded me of ocean seaweed. The idea of swimming in it wasn’t appealing, but I would do it. “Is the plant covering the surface native?” I asked. I remembered once hearing that Florida, like many places in the United States, was constantly battling invasive species.
Captain Sid looked from me to the plants. “It’s harmless.” He picked up a piece and stuffed it in his mouth. “Don’t know if it’s invasive, but it won’t kill you.”
Graham and I exchanged another look and I burst out laughing. “Good to know.”
Graham put his arm around me. When Captain Sid walked away to navigate the boat away from the dock, Graham said, “Go ahead. Say it. I should have read up on him as well.”
I tucked myself into his side. “What kind of adventure would it have been then? This is perfect. I have no idea if we’re going to swim with or be fed to the manatees by this guy. It’s kind of exciting.”
He hugged me closer. “Manatees don’t bite.”
“They’re mammals. There are documented cases of them attacking people.”
He tensed beside me. “What the fuck?”
“But it’s rare.”
He grumbled. “That would be my luck to be injured this way before the season starts. I can just imagine trying to explain that one. Taken out by a fucking sea cow. If you’re going to feed me to something can it at least be something cool like a shark or a gator?”
“There must be gators in here, too.”
“You’re serious.”
I waved a hand at our captain. “I’m sure Sid would never take us anywhere dangerous.”
Graham chuckled, then laughed louder. “We’re so fucked.”
The tour surprised both of us by being both informative and fun. We saw a good portion of river coastline and heard all about Sid’s life there. What he lacked in teeth he made up for with his storytelling abilities and number of local family.
We snorkeled several times. I tried to keep my focus each time off how Graham’s body looked incredible in and out of the water. Most of the time we watched manatee from a distance but during one swim a cow approached us with her baby. The mother stayed a distance away, but the baby was curious and swam under us several times. It was so close I could have reached out and touched it, but I remembered what the man at the shady hotel had said and didn’t.
The mother seemed to approve of our restraint because she allowed her baby to stay and interact with us for a significant amount of time. I was impressed by how well Graham handled being around them—at least until one large manatee swam up in front of him and looked as if he wanted to dance with Graham.
I couldn’t blame Graham for motioning that it was time to return to the boat. Captain Sid was shocked when we told him what had happened. He said some people waited their whole lives for a manatee to engage with them that way and that Graham had missed a real opportunity.
Neither of us asked him what that meant.
We ended the tour by swimming in a cold, but crystal clear spring that was truly beautiful. Sid aside, we were alone and dove repeatedly to explore. It was perfection.
Too soon Sid announced it was time to return to the boat. I swam up to Graham. “Tell your doorman’s aunt’s neighbor’s dentist that he sure knows how to pick a tour. This was perfect.”
Graham pulled me closer and my body slid along the length of his. “I’m glad you liked it.”
Oh, I liked it and the feel of him against me, but I pushed off slightly. The only way this would work was if we were physically careful. It was a bit like juggling dynamite. One false move and we’d be right back where we were in Aspen.
That possibility was as exciting as it was frightening. It reminded me that neither of us was who we’d been before Aspen and all the pretending in the world couldn’t change that. Eventually we’d have to face it.
But not that day.
Graham had promised me manatees, Disney, and a tandem bike ride. I needed to finish the list with him even though I wouldn’t have been able to explain to Kelley why. Rationally it didn’t make sense, but being with Graham wasn’t a decision I was making based on logic and facts.
With a few inches of cold water between us, I looked into his eyes and saw a similar confusion. Even before he spoke, my heart began to pound wildly.
“We’re going back tonight,” he growled.
“Back?”
“To Denver.”
My heart sunk. No Disney. “Okay.”
“Don’t look at me that way.”
“I’m fine. If you want to go back tonight, we’ll go back tonight,” I said, irritation rising within me. “It’s better than you just disappearing the first time I look away.”
“You don’t understand.”
I started to swim away. “Now that is something we agree on.”
He grabbed my arm to stop me, but wet as I was I slid out of his grasp easily. “Could you try to appreciate that I’m trying to do the right thing, Lauren? I could just haul you off to my bed and do what both of us can’t stop thinking about.”
I pulled myself up the ladder of the houseboat, snapping at him over my shoulder, “No you couldn’t because I told you we’re not going there—not again—not until we figure out what we’re doing.”
He was standing behind me, around me, on the ladder. “What we’re doing is driving each other insane. I thought—I hoped—”
Captain Sid wisely retreated to the other side of the houseboat.
“We can’t, Graham. We can’t go back.” There, I’d said it. I picked up a towel, wrapped it around myself and sat down on one of the benches.
Graham, all two hundred twenty-five pounds of him, hauled himself onto the boat, began to towel himself off as well and sat across from me.
He glared at me.
I glared at him.
“Then I don’t know where we go,” he said and a piece of me cried for him. “All I know is that I never meant to hurt you and I don’t want it to happen again.”
Some of my anger dissolved. I’d wanted honesty and he’d given it to me. I could hold his feet to the fire over it, or I could appreciate that he cared enough to want to protect me. “Let’s go home, Graham. Disney can wait. Or I can go on my own.”
“I’ll take you to Disney, Peanut. Just not tomorrow.”
“It’ll be okay. Either way, we’ll be okay.” It wasn’t the conversation a woman yearns to hear from the man she loves, but it was the best either of us could do in that moment.
We separated after the tour, showered, changed and headed back to the airport. The jovial mood of the day before was gone. I was tense. Graham was tense. I didn’t want to say anything that would make things worse and Graham seemed to feel the same way.
Several hours later he dropped me off at my house and spent a few minutes talking to my dad before telling me he’d call me soon and leaving. My father gave me a long searching look then asked how I was.
I shook my head sadly and let my father rock me against his chest. Soon I’d be in Washington proving to people twice my age that I was capable of comprehending any project they assigned me. Then convince them that I could return to Denver and advance that project forward. They’d test me intensively but I was confident that I could impress them. In the safety of my father’s arms, however, I let myself admit that there were still a great many things I didn’t understand.
Like life.
And love.
Or how to be strong enough to let go of Graham if that ended up being what was best for both of us.