CHAPTER 37
Lauren
I woke the next morning with a moan of contentment and a smile on my face. Flashes of the night before danced behind my still closed eyelids. Wild, carnal sex. Tender, sweet sex. He’d given me both in abundance. I licked my lips loving that the taste of him was still with me.
Breakfast. I’d need sustenance before another marathon of sex. I rolled onto my side and threw my arm out, seeking him. My eyes flew open when I felt only an empty bed beside me.
No. I refused to panic. This was different. I had no reason to doubt Graham. He’d said he loved me. He said he was mine. What kind of relationship would we have if I lost my shit every time he was out of my sight? Love was based on trust, wasn’t it? I needed to trust him.
I listened for the sound of him in the adjoining bathroom.
Nothing.
I held my breath and listened for any indication that he was in the apartment.
Nothing.
I sat up, hugged my suddenly uncertain stomach, and whipped my legs around. Naked, I gave in to my fear and sprinted from room to room. I counseled myself to stay calm. I reminded myself of every time he’d been there for me, every promise he’d kept.
But I couldn’t stop the memories of the last time I’d believed in him and woken up alone. I tried to distinguish how this time was different, but reason fell as doubt set in.
He’d once said he didn’t know how to love. What if this was what he’d meant? What if he could say all the right words and still repeat the cycle of leaving me?
It wasn’t the same. This time, if he left me without a word, if he refused to take my calls or see me, my heart would break in a way I wasn’t sure would ever heal.
His keys were gone.
His phone was gone.
No note.
The room spun slightly and my legs went weak beneath me. My clothing was folded up neatly on the table beside the couch. To make it easier for me to get dressed and leave before he returned?
My stomach heaved. I ran to the bathroom and stood over the toilet, wishing I could retch and get it over with.
That was when I heard the door of the apartment open and close, followed by the sound of his car remote being tossed on a table. I was a jumble of relief, anger, fear and shame.
“Hey,” he said softly from the door of the bathroom.
I straightened and stood there shaking. “I thought you were gone.”
He stepped forward and pulled me into his arms. “After last night, I woke up hungry and thought you might be, too. I decided to surprise you with muffins but realized I didn’t have the mix. There’s a store two minutes away. I thought I’d be back before you woke.”
I told myself I wouldn’t cry. I was done crying. I chastised myself for overreacting and tried to compose myself, but I couldn’t. Raw and unsure, I wanted to be better than I was in that moment. I wanted to tell him that the past was done and gone.
I couldn’t, though. I couldn’t stop shaking. I raised my fists between us, and pummeled them on his chest. Not to hurt him because I didn’t want to hurt him. I did it because I didn’t have the words to express how angry I was with myself. We had come so far. He was offering me everything. What if I was the one who ruined it this time? What if while he had spent so much time worrying about his diagnosis and how that would affect me, he hadn’t considered my challenges?
I was still my own worst enemy.
He hugged me and murmured, “It’s okay, Peanut. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” And he kept hugging my tense frame until eventually I laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I croaked.
He kissed my temple. “I love you, Lauren.”
“I know.” I could have lied to him then, but I needed my friend as much as I needed my lover. “I love you, too. You should be able to go out to the store without worrying that I’ll lose my mind.” I searched his face for any sign that I was driving him away.
His arms tightened around me. “It’s okay. We’re okay. I shouldn’t have left. I should have considered how you might feel if you woke without me and waited.”
Tears filled my eyes but I sniffed and blinked them back. “Last night was perfect and I—”
He smiled down at me, but I knew I’d hurt him. “I don’t need perfect, Lauren. I need you.”
I sniffed again and chuckled only because of the way he’d said it. “Thanks?”
He growled and kissed me then. Somewhere in the passion I found my footing again. When he raised his head, desire was clouding what had already been a difficult conversation. “Trust takes time and I shook yours. I’m willing to prove to you that I’m not going anywhere this time.”
I caressed one of his cheeks and let his words wash over me. “I want to tell you that you already have.”
He kissed me briefly. “I’d rather you tell me the truth—always.”
I nodded. “I love you so much, Graham. I don’t want to imagine my life without you in it, but I panicked when I woke up alone. I hate that I did. I’m embarrassed and angry with myself.”
He tipped my chin up. “Be angry with me instead. I put that doubt in you.”
My heart ached for him. “You’ve been through so much. I understand why—”
He ran a thumb over my lips. “You need to promise me something right now.”
I would have promised him almost anything just then, but I didn’t say it. I simply waited.
He said, “Don’t cut me excuses. I don’t want or need them. I may need your support one day, but I know you will be there for me. I need to know that I’m that for you. If I fall short, you kick my ass until I get it right. We clear?”
I swallowed hard. Graham could have gotten defensive or told me how he thought I should feel, but then he wouldn’t have been the man I’d spent my whole life loving. He saw me, even the sides of me that I wasn’t proud of, and he accepted them. “Okay.”
He swung me up into his arms as if I were the size zero woman I’d never be. “Good, then how about we cook breakfast together?”
I wrapped my arms around his neck. “I’d like that.”
A lusty smile returned to his face. “But stay naked. It’s my favorite look on you.”
He placed me down on my feet just inside his kitchen. I waved at his fully clothed body. “Then you strip as well,” I challenged.
His eyebrows wiggled then while holding my gaze he began to slowly remove all of his clothing. By the time he was fully naked, his cock waved fully erect at me and I had trouble remembering what had brought us to the kitchen.
With his hands on my hips, he lifted me onto the counter and spread my legs for him. I leaned back, loving the way he cupped my sex and leaned closer. “Relax and let this one be all about you, Peanut.” With one sure move he pulled a chair over and sat between my legs. He pulled me forward until I hung off the edge a bit, parted my sex with his fingers, then blew his hot breath against it before swiping his tongue down the length of me.
There were still things I didn’t know—like how many times I needed to wake up beside him before waking without him wouldn’t topple me—but I did know that none of those thoughts belonged in that moment. I gripped the back of his head, guided his tongue to my clit, and thankfully didn’t have a damn thought outside of how good it felt.