CHAPTER 26
Lauren
Several hours later we landed at a small airport in Crystal River, Florida. Graham hadn’t yet told me where we were going, but the location was enough of a hint that I guessed. The area was known for manatees.
As soon as we stepped out of the plane I hugged Graham. I couldn’t help myself. Continuing on with my list was his way of keeping a promise I’d convinced myself to let go of.
He held me tight then kissed my forehead. “This is what you get for calling me a pussy. It’s a pride thing.”
“Sure it is,” I said against his strong chest. Then, because we were about to go somewhere neither of us was ready for, I stepped back. “Let’s see what song you’re singing when your butt is in the water with them.”
He smiled broadly. “I researched the perfect tour. I’ll be fine.”
I walked with him to the car that was waiting for us and loved how easy it was once again becoming between us. This was how Aspen would have felt had it not started the way it had. “By research you mean you asked one guy and this was the place he knew.”
Graham tried to look offended, then simply smiled back. “I resemble that comment.”
“Yes, you do.”
We slid into the back of the car together and he took my hand. It felt as natural as breathing. “They say this is the absolute best place to swim with them.”
“They?”
“Are you doubting my sources? My doorman says his aunt’s neighbor’s dentist did the tour and it was amazing.”
The data collector in me shuddered but I refused to give in to it. “It sounds fantastic.”
Graham sat back and squared his shoulders as if I’d offended him, but there was a playful light in his eyes. “I can give you the name of the tour company and you can research it. . .” He gave me soulful don’t-do-that-to-me eyes. “If you want to kill all the fun in this.”
I threw my free hand up and conceded with a laugh. “If it’s good enough for your doorman’s aunt’s neighbor’s dentist, it’s good enough for me.” I turned to look out the window. It was my first trip to Florida. The lush foliage and palm trees reminded me of California, but we weren’t in a commercialized tourist area like Orlando. I was itching to check the population, demographics and history on my phone but I didn’t. Instead I took the average density of homes, estimated the number of people who might live in each according to size and wildly guessed two thousand, depending on how accurate my memory of the size of the town was from the time I’d seen a story about it on the news. Had they mentioned the population? Was I correct? Did it matter? I smiled as I realized it didn’t. I was so used to people expecting me to always be correct that I had begun to hold myself to that impossible standard.
“What are you thinking?” Graham asked with a slight squeeze of my hand.
I turned back to him. With anyone else I would have kept my thoughts to myself, but this was the Graham I’d grown up with, the one who accepted me the way I was. “I was estimating the number of people in Crystal River based solely on what I can see. I realized my guess might be completely off but that it doesn’t matter. Sometimes it’s fun to not know. I get it now. This is an adventure.”
“Exactly,” he studied my expression and looked like he wanted to say more, but didn’t.
We pulled up to a small hotel on the water. The driver stopped before pulling up to the office and turned in his seat. “Is this the right place?”
Less than pleased, Graham looked around and said the name again.
I scanned for signs. “That’s where we are.”
The driver pulled up to the check in office. “I’ll wait.”
Graham shook his head. “There has to be somewhere nicer than this. Let’s go.”
I touched his arm, hating that he looked disappointed. “It looks fine, Graham. And it’s right on the water. I don’t need anything fancy. Let’s try it. How bad could it be?”
A few minutes later we were standing just inside the doorway of my room. I wanted to love it—after all I was in adventure mode. The room was warm and smelled like something might be decaying in a corner of it. The blinds on one window were hanging slightly askew and beneath our feet was a large, dark stain.
“All that’s missing is an outline of a body,” Graham joked.
I was relieved that he was having a similar response to the room. “How did you find this place?”
A slight flush rose on Graham’s cheeks and I began to question the recentness of that dentist’s last trip to Crystal River. “I bet this was a nice place—fifty years ago.”
Graham looked irritated, but not with me. “Fuck. I really wanted this to be nice for you.”
I pulled him back out into the hallway. “I’m fine, Graham. Do I look disappointed?”
He met my gaze. “No, but I should have booked a room at the four-star Hilton a few towns away. My doorman said he’d heard you could see manatee right from this place’s boardwalk.”
I touched his face gently and joked, “I bet you see a lot of things here.”
I felt his smile before it spread across his face. “You deserve better than this.”
I glanced over my shoulder. “I sure as shit do,” I answered, but I was smiling, too. “You think the driver is still waiting for us?”
Graham took my hand in his and started to lead me back toward the front office. “He didn’t look like he wanted us to get out of the car here so I’m sure he is.”
We turned in our keys at the front office to a young man who was not surprised that we did. I explained about the smell and the stain, but he looked bored with the topic before I even finished.
Graham leaned in. “We’re going on The Greatest Manatee Tour tomorrow. Have you heard of it?”
The young man’s attention perked up. “With Captain Sid?”
Graham frowned. “I think so. It meets a few buildings down from here.”
The man laughed like he was in on a private joke he wasn’t prepared to share. Then he sobered slightly and said, “Don’t do everything he says. We have strict laws about not disturbing the manatees. People get in trouble for it. Look, don’t touch and you’ll be fine.”
“Okay, thanks,” Graham said and guided me away. Once in the car again, he asked the driver for the best local hotel. After seeing the area’s potential, I didn’t argue with that.
After checking in to an upscale chain hotel, we had dinner and listened to a live band in the downstairs bar. Neither of us drank. We laughed. Conversation was light and easy. There were things we still needed to work out, but we also needed this reprieve.
And it felt good—so good.
Until he walked me to my door and I clung to the door handle like a lifeline. My body hummed for his and he appeared equally affected by me. It would have been so easy to ask him in. “Good night, Graham,” I said as I opened the door behind me.
He leaned closer. “Lauren—”
I heard the hunger in his voice and it seared through me. I countered it with a memory of me yelling obscenities to his voicemail. I never wanted to be that person again. “Good night,” I said quickly and shut the door in his face.
Right in his face.
Yep, real mature.
I leaned back against the closed door and imagined him still there, waiting for me to open it. In reality he’d probably walked away, but I stayed there for a long time, fighting the desire to open the door and check.
There or not, I needed to stay the course I’d chosen. We’d tried fast and free and it didn’t work for us. Graham wasn’t proclaiming a love for me. He wanted me back in his life. Part of me rejoiced at the knowledge that I was indeed important to him, but I forced myself to face that he wasn’t defining our relationship. Friends? Lovers? Did he even know what he wanted?
I wasn’t sure I did anymore. Being with him was wonderful and painful at the same time. Was this our new normal? Pretending we could go back to how things were before? I didn’t know how long I could sustain that.