CHAPTER 22
Graham
THE PRESENT…
Lauren was opening the door, and I knew she’d probably run like her ass was on fire.
It wasn’t like I didn’t know I was being a prick, but my need to get her out of my condo was my biggest fucking goal. Or it was…until I heard her breath hitch as she swung the door open, making a whimpering noise that sounded very much like she was in pain.
“Fuck!” I growled, and then slapped my hand on the door above her head, making it slam closed with her still inside my condo. “I can’t do this. I cannot do this,” I said as I leaned my weight on the door, cutting off her escape. My breath was audibly ragged as I kept her trapped with me.
“Just let me go,” Lauren demanded with a tiny sob. “I already made an ass out of myself. I’d like to salvage a little bit of my pride.”
I put my hands on her shoulders and turned her around.
The tears flowing down her cheeks lashed at my heart.
She’d been so brave, trying to complete every challenge I’d given her even though she had nothing to really prove. She was fucking perfect. And I was being the biggest coward in the world.
Finally, I answered through gritted teeth, “I can’t let you leave like this. You’re upset. You shouldn’t drive when you can’t completely focus on what you’re doing.”
“I’m fine,” she said angrily. “I just realized that I care about a guy who doesn’t give a damn about me. My mistake. I wanted some kind of closure since we had the best sex of my life, but it doesn’t matter anymore.”
I’d always loved her tenacity, but I knew it would get her in trouble eventually. I just hadn’t imagined it would involve me. “You don’t understand. I do care.”
She looked at me dubiously. “No offense, but your behavior says differently.”
I had to force myself not to touch her, not to wipe away every single tear on her face.
“I’m not a man worth putting your emotions into, Lauren. I never will be.”
She pushed at my chest, and I let her slip past me. “Fine,” she said in a clipped voice. “Then just let me leave. I don’t plan on bothering you again.”
I turned and leaned against the door. “I don’t want to leave things like this. I never meant to hurt you.”
“You don’t always get everything you want,” she replied bitterly.
“You don’t have to tell me that,” I rasped, trying to hold my anger in check. “I learned that lesson a long time ago.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “Since we’re never going to see each other again, why don’t you just tell me why you left. Tell me why you couldn’t even bring yourself to talk to me again. Was it that bad for you? Were you disappointed?”
Shit! That pissed me off. I hated it when she said anything derogatory about herself or even insinuated that she wasn’t good enough. “You know damn well it wasn’t bad. It was the best sex I’ve ever had, too.” I’d had a lot of sex to compare that night to, and not a single one of those experiences even compared to the night I’d spent with Lauren.
“So do you always run away when you have a great orgasm?” she asked sarcastically.
“I had to go,” I told her. “I never should have touched you. You were one of my best friends. One of my only friends.”
“It’s your choice to end that relationship,” she snapped. “You made it perfectly clear that you regret what happened.”
“I don’t regret it,” I answered hotly.
“But you don’t want it to happen again,” she countered.
“It can’t happen again,” I said.
“Why?” she pressed.
My hands were starting to shake from suppressed frustration, so I dropped my arms to my sides and clenched my fists, trying to get myself under control before I lost it.
I wanted to touch Lauren so badly that it physically hurt.
“Tell me,” she prodded.
“I can’t,” I said gruffly.
“You won’t,” she corrected. “You can do anything you want. You could always tell me anything. What happened to that? What happened to us?”
“I’ve never told you everything,” I said roughly.
“I know,” she answered simply. “But that was your choice, too. Jack and I would have listened if you had wanted to talk. We were always there for you.”
I’d already lost Jack, and I was going to lose Lauren, too. My heart was so damn heavy that I didn’t give a shit about my secrets anymore. It didn’t matter what anybody thought about me because I was about to lose the best friend I’d ever had, all to keep my damn secrets.
Lauren probably hated me right now, and I didn’t blame her. Maybe it was just better to tell her, and then she’d understand. It was a hell of a lot kinder for her to know I wasn’t rejecting her. I needed to stop being so damn selfish, trying to protect myself, and let her see who I really was. She needed to understand why a woman like her could never be with a guy like me. If she already thought the worst, what did it matter anymore?
Both of the people I cared about the most weren’t going to be in my life in the future. I had absolutely nothing to lose.
I pushed off the door and wandered into the living room, more confused than I’d ever been in my life. I knew Lauren had followed as I sat down in a chair, feeling completely defeated. “I left because I knew I wasn’t good for you,” I told her honestly.
She sat in a chair across from me. “I think that’s my decision to make,” she said quietly.
“Why do you have to be so damn stubborn?”
“Why do you have to be such a jerk?” she said in an ornery tone I’d never heard come out of her mouth before. “Who are you to tell me what I should do? I’m all grown up, Graham. I make my own decisions.”
“Then you should be running out that door right now,” he warned. “Because every time I see you I’m always going to want to get you naked. I can’t take that back. I can’t make what happened go away.”
“I don’t want it to go away,” she answered stubbornly. “I don’t regret what happened because for one damn night, I felt like I was beautiful. I felt special, and not in a weird and different way. I felt desired. Why would I want that experience erased like it never happened?”
Goddammit! I didn’t want it to disappear, either. And I should want that, but I didn’t. “I’m a selfish bastard,” I growled.
“Right now, I’m not going to argue with you about that,” she said drily.
I finally looked up at her, and I could see her eyes glistening with unshed tears. She was upset, and she had every right to be. It sucked that I had fucked her and left her. “I didn’t have a choice, Lauren.”
“You had a choice,” she argued. “At least be accountable for the fact that you hurt me.”
“I could have hurt you more if I hadn’t left,” I said, casting my eyes down again so I couldn’t see her face. It was killing me to see her damaged expression.
She got up. “I disagree. I couldn’t have been more confused than I was at the cabin. I waited for you, Graham. I thought you would come back. It never even occurred to me that you’d left me there alone without even a note, a text or phone call because I’ve always had faith in you. I sat there like an idiot waiting for your explanation, and it never came.”
I didn’t move. I had to let her go, even though every cell in my body wanted her to stay.
“Goodbye, Graham,” she said in a quiet, resigned voice.
I looked up just in time to see her walking away.
Jesus Christ! I couldn’t let her go without an explanation. Not like this. I couldn’t let all those years be nothing. Lauren and Jack had saved my life when we were young, and they’d been my motivation after that. “Wait,” I bellowed, just as Lauren was reaching for the doorknob.
I got to my feet and crossed the distance between us. “I did it because I really didn’t feel like I was good enough for you. And I knew that when you woke up, I’d fuck you again. I can’t be with you without wanting that anymore.”
She froze, but she didn’t turn around. “Why is that so bad? I know we were entering into a relationship we’d never had before, but I wanted it to happen.”
I had to will myself to speak. “I can’t be with anybody, Lauren. It isn’t you, it’s me. I know that someday, I could drag you down in my issues, and you don’t need that. You deserve everything, and I can’t give it to you.”
She still didn’t turn around. “Everybody has issues, Graham.”
I ran an irritated hand through my hair. “Not like mine. Most people don’t have to wonder if they are going to lose their fucking mind. I do.”
“What are you trying to say?” she asked cautiously.
I saw her shoulders tense, but she still kept her back to me.
“I’m trying to tell you that I’m not right in the head. I’m not fucking normal. I’ve always had problems, but it wasn’t until college that I found out why. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, Lauren. I was drinking pretty heavy to try to make it go away, but it didn’t help. It screwed me up even worse. I ended up in the hospital at the university after I’d gotten so confused that my roommates had to take me in. I almost lost my scholarship over it. After they got my medications right, I was able to play football again, but my chances of being picked up pro weren’t very good since I’d spent two years on a fucking roller coaster before they found the right med combination for me. I played well in my last year, so I did get a pro gig, but just barely.”
Lauren finally turned around as she asked, “Why didn’t you call me if you were in the hospital?”
“And tell you what exactly?” I asked curtly. “Should I have told you that I’d lost my mind so badly that I needed to be hospitalized for my safety and everybody else’s?”
“Yes.”
“I couldn’t. I had to make sure I wasn’t going to end up like my mother.”
“What was wrong with your mother?”
“She was bipolar, too,” I told her flatly. “She didn’t care about anything after my father was killed in the line of duty. She didn’t take her meds, and she got to the point where she didn’t even know I existed anymore. And then, she committed suicide. I came home from school one day and she was dead. She’d left me alone, even though she knew I didn’t have anybody else.”
Forcing myself to stay numb, I turned away from Lauren and returned to the living room, pretty sure that after my confession, she wasn’t going to follow me.
If nothing else, the truth would force Lauren away, just like I’d wanted.