CHAPTER 14
Graham
It had been almost a perfect day.
But I’d spoiled it somewhat by opening my stupid mouth about my faults. There had been tension between me and Lauren since I’d blurted out the fact that I hadn’t loved Hope.
Maybe she’d thought it was cold, and maybe it was, but the relationship had fit my life.
Being with Hope had seemed like a brilliant idea at the time, and it had worked for both of us.
Now, I was starting to realize that it might not have been the brightest idea I’d ever had.
Lauren and I had come back to the cabin lighthearted and laughing like the old days, but I knew it wasn’t going to last. Lauren wasn’t going to let me get away with not explaining my earlier words. She’d just delayed it for a while.
I gave her credit. We’d eaten a take-out pizza and were settled on the couch before she opened that door again.
“So you didn’t love Hope, and she didn’t love you,” she mused as she sipped a glass of Merlot. “If you were both okay with that kind of relationship, that doesn’t really make it bad. But you deserve so much more, Graham.”
I took a slug of my beer before I answered. “It’s completely fucked up. And we obviously weren’t happy. Hope had her mouth wrapped around another guy’s dick.”
“It’s not your fault that Hope cheated. And everybody makes mistakes, Graham.”
“I’ve made a shit-ton of them, Peanut.”
“Tell me,” she encouraged.
“Other than the times I spent with you and Jack, I’ve always been a prick. You know I was always moving from one foster home to another.”
“You never said why. Was it because of your attention deficit hyperactivity disorder?”
“I was a hard kid to handle, and I didn’t have much impulse control. I’d do something and then regret it later. I fought constantly. I was always angry. There were some homes that really weren’t good for me, but after a while, I didn’t even try to make my foster parents like me anymore. Most of them had kids of their own, and I couldn’t compete with them.”
“You shouldn’t have had to compete. You just needed somebody to care about you.”
I shrugged. “None of them did. So I didn’t give a damn about them, either.”
“You could have,” Lauren argued. “I think you needed someone to care about you.”
“I just wanted to survive. I’m not sure you can understand that, but all I wanted was to feel safe. I got into some pretty bad situations in the beginning. By the time I hit my teens, I was just pissed off. All the time. You, Jack, and football were the only things that kept me grounded.”
“You were afraid,” she corrected. “I could always see that, but I didn’t know how to help you.”
I shrugged. “You didn’t need to help me. I had to help myself.”
It was strange how Lauren had seen my fear when everybody else had seen me as just a bad kid. “Football was my only out. I needed to be somebody, and I promised myself that it would happen no matter what. I wanted to make you and Jack proud.”
“You have a lot to be proud of. But I’ve always admired you. You didn’t have to be a millionaire for me to care about you.”
My gut ached from the words I wanted to hear so much—that somebody cared regardless of my profession or wealth. She cared about me. But I wondered if she still would if she knew everything.
“I have a lot to regret, too,” I told her. “I was an asshole to anybody who might have shown me some kindness. Then when I went to play in college, I wasn’t exactly a team player. I cared about me. I didn’t care about my team or my teammates. It didn’t matter whether we won or lost. My stats and performance were my only concern. Did I have enough completions and passing yards for the NFL to look at me? To hell with the team.”
“Graham, you were struggling to survive. Considering your background, it’s understandable. It’s admirable that you can even do a self-evaluation and recognize that you don’t like some of the things you did. But you can’t keep blaming yourself. You’ve never been a jerk to me or to Jack.”
“You two were the exception,” I rasped.
Lauren slid across the couch and put her hand on my face. “There’s nothing you’re ever going to tell me that’s going to make me hate you. Whether you realize it or not…I do know you. I knew that you were scared when we were kids. Yes, you let it out in anger, but who in the hell was listening to you? Who really cared? I’d get angry, too. And since you had to fight your way out of a really shitty life with football, I don’t care if you were selfish. You deserved to be selfish. Nobody had ever taken care of you. And if you didn’t know what love was, it wasn’t your fault. Nobody ever taught you how to love anybody.”
“Maybe I didn’t want to know,” I argued.
“I call bullshit.”
I looked into her eyes, and I knew I was fucked. Her trust in me was way more than I deserved. But I was getting addicted to it. I was getting addicted to her. Maybe I always had been.
“So there’s nothing I can tell you that will make you run away screaming?”
She rolled her eyes in that adorable way that made me want to get her naked and show her who was boss.
Of course, just about everything she did now made me want to fuck her.
“Not a thing,” she said as she dropped her hands and made herself comfortable next to me. “Honestly, it’s nothing I didn’t already know. I was younger, but I knew every time you got in trouble in school for fighting. And I knew you’d have to be completely focused to become a pro starter. You aren’t a dick. You were just protecting yourself emotionally. You were driven.”
“Nope. I’m an asshole. Most of my teammates hated me. And I don’t blame them. Every game was about me instead of being about our team.”
“Clean slate,” she said. “You’re starting with a brand-new team.”
She was right. It was a whole new group of guys. I’d known some of them from college or by reputation, but I was starting over in a way. “So what you’re saying is that I can become a nice guy.”
“You already are. You always have been. What I’m saying is that you can let more people know who you really are.”
Honestly, I wasn’t sure I could do that. “I don’t trust easily.”
“There are valid reasons for that. So you take your time.”
Maybe it was a bit clichéd, but for some reason, Lauren made me want to be a better guy. “I’ll try.”
“Good. Because I’ll care whether you win or lose because the Wildcats are my team. So you better win.”
“I want to win our division this time,” I confessed. “I want the Super Bowl.”
“Then you’ll have to be a team player,” she observed. “Those teams succeed because all areas of the team are the best.”
“I know,” I answered. “I’m just not sure how to trust other team members.” But I was aware that something had to change if I wanted to go all the way.
I looked at Lauren and frowned. “Shit! Don’t cry.” I hated seeing tears in her beautiful eyes.
“I can’t help it. I hate what happened to you. It wasn’t fair.”
“Life often isn’t fair,” I told her. “But I’ve got a new shot at something great now.”
She swiped a tear from her cheek. “You deserve it, Graham. And you earned it.”
I had earned it with sweat, blood and plenty of injuries.
“I’m going to be the best I can be next season, Lauren.” No way was I willing to let my favorite Cats fan down.
“I’ll help any way that I can,” she vowed.
I was taking her up on coming with me when I was practicing my throws. She was a genius. I’d be crazy not to let her try to help me figure things out to be better. Peanut was way too good at finding ways to help me understand things I couldn’t figure out myself.
Now that I’d dumped out how I felt about myself, I was ready to leave it all behind. Maybe Lauren was right. Maybe some of my behavior had been justified. But I still didn’t like my darker side. It took me to places I didn’t want to go. But I was doing all I could to get that side of me under control.
“I think I need ice cream,” I declared, trying to lighten the mood.
What the hell. If I was going to blow my healthy eating routine while we were in Aspen, I might as well go all the way. It had been too long since I’d had ice cream.
“Your favorite is in the freezer.”
“With whipped cream?”
Damn! I could think of so many uses for whipped cream, and all of them entailed licking it off Lauren’s gorgeous body.
“Do I ever forget?”
Nope. She never did. Lauren did sweet little things that I’d probably taken for granted. “No. You never forget.”
She started to rise to go to the kitchen, but I stopped her. “Thanks for today,” I said huskily.
Lauren smiled at me as she said, “It probably wasn’t all that thrilling for you. You’ve done those runs so many times.”
“I don’t mean that. Thanks for believing in me even after I told you what a dick I can be.”
“You believe in me. Why wouldn’t I feel the same way?”
I stood and pulled her to her feet. “Because it’s unusual for anybody to support me.”
“I’ve always been there for you, Graham, and I’ve always known you’d be successful.”
Yeah, I’d just never opened my eyes to really see her as a woman before yesterday. If I had, I would have broken down and told her every crappy thing I’d ever done. I would have known she’d still support me even if I’d made some mistakes.
Lauren was forgiving; I was not.
Now that I did see her, I was starting to realize that I fucking needed her.
Mine!
A possessive instinct slammed me in the gut so hard I nearly flinched. I didn’t know how I was going to keep myself from touching her.
The more I was around Lauren, the more desperately I needed her to belong to me. I didn’t understand why I had to have her. But the primitive emotions were all too real, and something I’d never experienced before.
Before Hope, I’d fucked plenty of women. Maybe too many. And I hadn’t ever needed any of them. I hadn’t needed Hope, either.
Yeah, my contract had made me wealthy, but I wasn’t exactly a great partner. Hell, I’d realized that fact since the moment Lauren had told me about Hope and Jack. I hadn’t been enough for Hope, so I knew I’d never be the kind of guy Lauren would want. I’d never be able to satisfy her long-term because I had no clue how to love somebody the way she deserved to be loved.
I hadn’t been lying when I’d told her I didn’t know how to love. I just…didn’t. That was part of the reason I’d proposed to Hope. I wasn’t really into needing romantic love. I think Hope and I were both convinced it didn’t exist. We understood each other, or we had before she’d needed…more.
“Need ice cream,” I growled playfully as I slapped her on the ass.
“Grouch,” she countered.
I wasn’t unhappy. I just needed something to cool me down. Food was also a great distraction for me. But I had a feeling that whipped cream would fuel more fantasies than I needed to consider right now.
When she went to open the refrigerator door, I stopped her by putting a hand and some of my weight on the door. “Hold the whipped cream,” I requested gruffly.
She looked up at me in surprise, possibly reading the raw desire on my face before she agreed, “Probably not good for either of us.”
Shooting me a knowing smile, she moved my hand away and opened the freezer.
She only took out the ice cream.